Last week
M/L: 0-0
ATS: 0-0
Overall
M/L: 171-94-1
ATS: 133-124-9
SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 3RD
6:30pm EST, CBS
Baltimore v San Francisco (-3.5) - Welp, this is finally it. The two best football teams in the land are set to square off in Super Bowl XLVII. For all the complaining everyone does on this forum about how shitty this year's game will be, and how it's continuing a string of boring Super Bowls, I think it's time for a reality check. When I was a kid, I only remember two good games, Super Bowls XXIII and XXV. Everything else was a blowout, and I'd spend most of the evening throwing a nerf football with my dad and my sister, only half paying attention to what was going on in the game. Sure, Super Bowls XXII and XXVI were happy times in Breggy's house, but that's because my parents are Redskins fans, something which I have forgiven them for long ago. For me, quality Super Bowls began when we ushered in a new millennium, fresh off the hubris for not blowing up the Earth with some Y2K silliness or the wrath of a vengeful god for popularizing Creed. There were many moments -- Kevin Dyson's outstretched arm, Adam Vinatieri's first game-winning boot, John Kasay's kickoff out of bounds, Antwaan Randle El's touchdown strike to Hines Ward, David Tyree's helmet catch, Larry Fitzgerald torching the Steelers only to have Santonio Holmes ruin the moment minutes later -- the list goes on and on. The point is, no matter how this game turns out, we have been very lucky over the last fourteen games. Would the yearly blowout of the AFC's dreck at the hands of the 49ers, Cowboys, Giants, or Redskins be more enjoyable for everyone? (Leroy, don't answer that.)
With all that said, it's not like I'm terribly looking forward to what this game means. One of the Harbaugh boys, those rubber-faced ass clowns that cry and pout at every little thing that goes wrong, is going to be a Super Bowl champion. For all the stories about Jack Harbaugh being so proud and such a good teacher and father, maybe he should have taught his sons to stick a Roomba up their vaginas to clean out all the sand when they don't get a flag to go their way. And the awful effects of victory don't end with the coaches. Should Baltimore emerge with the Lombardi Trophy, the media knob-slobbering of Ray Lewis will reach dangerous levels, Joe Flacco will have "won" a Super Bowl (since quarterbacks alone determine the outcome), Torrey Smith gets a ring before JULIO, and we'll get some awful retrospective of Art Modell's legacy. I'll tell you what his legacy is, he stole my fucking football team. The only good thing about a Ravens win would be that it makes Cam Cameron look bad. A San Francisco win would be just as awful. I swear to Christ and sonny Jesus, if I hear any more Colin Kaepernick factoids about being the first quarterback to run for x yards and throw for y touchdowns while having z shitty tattoos or whatever, I'm going to fucking lose it. I love how Jim Harbaugh is viewed as a genius for benching Alex Smith. Guess what, analysts, I'm pretty sure every single 49ers fan on this forum would have done the same thing. And I don't even want to know what "Kaepernicking" is, get the fuck out with this sports "journalism" and do some real reporting. Also, if this is how Randy Moss gets his ring, it's a fucking joke. I don't want to hear from you mouthbreathers about how he's the GOAT. As my history lesson should have told you, the NFL existed before 1998. Worst of all, a San Fran win will make Tweek insufferable, and since I now have not one but two week-long bans to hand out thanks to the donation drive, I may be compelled to use them under extreme duress.
Therefore, to save my sanity and my bans, I'm picking the Ravens to win. There are some teams that defy logic, and this year's incarnation of Baltimore is one of them. They should have lost to Denver, but there are greater forces at work here. Two weeks ago, against my better judgment, I bet on them to beat New England, and was rewarded for my faith. The pundits are saying San Francisco's defense will be able to contain Baltimore's weapons, but they seem more balanced and efficient than Atlanta, a team that jumped all over the 49ers and was a Mike Smith away from going to the Super Bowl themselves. As for the '9ers, their offense in the NFC championship game was basically pounding Frank Gore and waiting for Vernon Davis to get wide open. I don't think they'll have the same success here. Kaepernick is the x-factor, and can take over a game with his playmaking ability, but I don't trust him to do so in a Super Bowl. Slow and steady wins the race, and the way I see it, slow and steady will be Flacco to Anquan Boldin on offense, and a severe Ngata'ing on defense. Fuck my life, go Ravens.