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  1. #1
    THIS IS BREGOR'S STORY
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    2015-16 NFL Week 5: Honor the Fallen - Joseph Philbin, District Florida





    (Yes, I'm stealing a bit from Colbert, shut up)


    WHY HE WAS HIRED: Spent nine years on Green Bay's staff under both Mike Sherman and Mike McCarthy. For the last five of those years he was offensive coordinator, where Brett Favre and Aaron Rodgers made him look really good I guess.

    TOTALLY LOOKS LIKE: Inspector Gadget

    MOMENT WHEN I KNEW HE SUCKED: Allowed Reggie Bush, Karlos Dansby, and Jake Long to form that dumb veteran leadership group or whatever during Hard Knocks three years ago. Sure, he was a rookie head coach, but there's no way anyone should be railroaded by his players like that.

    MOMENT WHEN EVERYONE ELSE SHOULD HAVE KNOWN HE SUCKED: #FreeINCOGNITO

    WAS IT HIS FAULT?: Hard to say. Jeff Ireland was the one who drafted Ryan Tannehill and put most of the talent on the field. Dennis Hickey threw truckloads of money at Donkey Kong Suh while trying to fix the offensive line with duct tape. In Philbin's defense, his third year with Tannehill led to 388 points for, good for 11th in the league which isn't terrible. But with the way this season started, the mind-boggling reports about telling the practice squad to go easy on Tannehill, and the lack of control seen in Hard Knocks and during the Incognito situation, the choice to fire him was obvious.

    WHAT'S NEXT FOR MIAMI: Dan Campbell, the journeyman tight end and Philbin assistant, is now the interim head coach. I'm guessing he'll talk about toughness and accountability and all that in what is sure to be an audition for the future. If the Dolphins didn't like having that pencil-neck tell them what to do, maybe Campbell can light a fire under them, but it's too late to think playoffs with how deep the AFC is.

    WHAT'S NEXT FOR PHILBIN: Just wait.




    Last week:

    M/L: 10-5
    ATS: 6-9

    Overall:

    M/L: 40-23
    ATS: 34-28-1

    The Steelers and Cowboys really fucked me good.



    BYE WEEK: Carolina, Miami, Minnesota, NY Jets


    THURSDAY, OCTOBER 8TH

    8:25pm EDT, CBS/NFL Network

    Indianapolis at Houston (+1) - Despite looking completely shitty and being outscored on the season by 21 points, the Colts are 2-2 and in first place in their division. Matt Hasselbeck piloted the good ship #ChuckStrong to an overtime win against the Jags. It was an awful game, as Indy lost two fumbles and managed a plodding 4.4 yards per play on offense. Andrew Luck is questionable to play here, but even if he does, can anyone trust them to move the ball effectively? Houston has actually been decent on both sides of the ball yardage wise, but are -6 in turnover differential. (Indy is even worse at -9!) I think the Texans are much better than a 1-3 team despite getting boatraced by Atlanta last week. They just need some big plays to go their way. Ryan Mallett will be starting again, so hopefully those big plays happen via JJ Watt and the defense. I'm gonna give Houston one last shot and pick the Texans in the upset.


    SUNDAY, OCTOBER 11TH

    1:00pm EDT, CBS

    Jacksonville at Tampa Bay (-3) - Much like Houston, Jacksonville was a team I thought improved during the off-season, and then week 4 showed me why they still have a long way to go. The inability to get out in front of a scuffling Indy team was really odd considering they were more productive offensively, won the turnover battle and time of posession, and had a backup quarterback on the ropes. Their posessions after halftime: punt, punt, punt, punt, punt, missed FG, punt, missed FG. Sure, you'd like to see Jason Myers hit one of those kicks, but the offense should have put the game away before that. Jameis Winston is off to a pretty bad start in Tampa. Last week he threw four more interceptions, had a passer rating of 57.0, and a QBR or 18.0. Duckin' and chuckin' might have worked in the ACC, but turning the ball over is a death sentence in the NFL. At least Doug Martin and Vincent Jackson looked spry enough, and every rep is another learning experience for Crab Legs. I just don't see them matching up well against a Gus Bradley defense. Jaguars in the upset.

    Cleveland at Baltimore (-6.5) - Well shut my mouth. Josh "The Chopper" McCown's stat line in San Diego last week: 32/41 - 356 - 2 - 0. That's some good shite right there. It keeps Johan Football on the bench another week but unfortunately Cleland still found itself in the loss column. Joe Haden unexpectedly missed the Bolts game after being listed as probable. Then Phil Rivers expectedly tore up the pitiful Brownies secondary. Joey Elite and his 10.5 QBR last week rallied the Ravens to an overtime win against Pittsburgh. Sure, he had some help from Mike Tomlin and Josh Scobee, but a win is a win. But already three games back of Cincy and with obvious holes on their roster, I don't think we'll get to see Playoff Joe Flacco this season, which sucks because only him or Playoff Eli Manning can take down the Shit-Ass. Ravens win, Browns with the points.

    St. Louis at Green Bay (-9) - Just as I was ready to write off the Rams, Todd Gurley happened. The explosive rookie from Georgia was a big part of St. Louis's upset win in Arizona. The four sacks and three turnovers by the defense helped too, but Gurley is creating some excitement about the Rams offense for the first time since Kurt Warner and his crew cut led the Greatest Show on Turf. The current greatest show on any surface today is Aaron Rodgers. He didn't put up gaudy numbers against the 49ers but the game never felt out of control for him. Most teams with this offensive skill try to run up tempo, but Green Bay is comfortable taking its time and executing about as well as anyone. They're also deadly at home, and I don't think the Rams can pull the same trick twice in a row. Packers win, Rams with the points.

    Buffalo at Tennessee (+2.5) - The Buffalo Bills, NFL WEEK 1 CHAMPIONS, now seem pretty average considering who they've beaten and how they looked last week. They're also down to third-string tailback Boobie Dixon as Shady McCoy and Karlos Williams are dealing with injuries this week. Their front seven also is having trouble, they were credited with only a one QB hit on Eli Manning and it was a sack by safety Corey Graham. Mario Williams and Marcell Dareus need to make some noise if they're going to catch the Pats or Jets. The Titans are off a bye, having plenty of time to lick their wounds after coming so close to knocking off the Colts. Marcus Mariota has looked pretty good so far, espectially in contrast to Jameis Winston, but the team as a whole looks like the same old vanilla Titans. Maybe if Dorial Green-Beckham can keep developing, he can provide some juice to the offense. But this week, Bills win and cover.

    1:00pm EDT, FOX

    Chicago at Kansas City (-9.5) - Oh yeah, Cutty does it! Everyone's favorite chain-smoking quarterback suited up and led the Bears to their first win of the season. It wasn't pretty, but it's better than the slop Chicago has been putting on the field without him. They even went for it on 4th down once, and picked it up! Good job, John Fox! The Chiefs are out of the murderer's row of their schedule and can hopefully take some steps forward. Everyone likes to blame Alex Smith for their woes, but the offense has been fine. The last three weeks they've given up a combined 105 points, but that should improve based on drawing Chicago and Minnesota as their next two opponents. Chiefs win and cover.

    Seattle at Cincinnati (-3) - Seattle's defense is back. Illegal bat or not, you have to love the impact Kam Chancellor had on Detroit's final offensive play, and on the team in general. What still looks lost is Seattle's offense. Marshawn Lynch is old and broken, Russell Wilson is turning the ball over, and Jimmy Graham only has 23 targets in 4 games, the same as other superstars like Larry Donnell. The Bengals rolled to an easy win against a quality opponent. The best part is I have a new Red Rifle gif:



    Aw yiss. I have no idea why Andy Dalton is playing so much better, but I can only assume it has to do with AJ McCarron pushing him so hard in practice. Atta boy, AJ. Bengals win and cover.

    Washington at Atlanta (-7.5) - I picked the Redskins to upset Philly last week, and they held up their end of the bargain to the tune of a 15-play, 90-yard touchdown drive to win the game. Maybe this team is finding their rhythm? Maybe benching RG3 was the right call? Nah, Washington will fuck it up in a hot second. Atlanta's offense is just clowning people at this point, and the Ryan/Freeman/JULIO triplets are here to stay. With a soft schedule coming up, this should be a fun ride. Falcons win and cover.

    New Orleans at Philadelphia (-4.5) - Much like the "PEYTON IS DONE LOL" talk was premature, so too was the same song about Brees. His performance against Dallas was outstanding, distributing the ball to the likes of Willie Snead and Old Ben Watson. Their defense is still trash, but it slowed up the Weeden attack enough to get the win. How deep does the rabbit hole go for Philly? Starting 0-2 in the division is bad, and getting torn up by Kirk Cousins is worse. Stud tailback DeMarco Murray had all of 10 touches last week, and even though Sam Bradford threw for 3 touchdowns, he took 5 sacks and was 4-for-12 on 3rd down. The Eagles ran only 51 offensive plays in DC, a far cry from the 75-80 Chip Kelly would like to run. Is this a failed experiment? Yes. Yes it is. Saints in the upset.

    4:05pm EDT, FOX

    Arizona at Detroit (+2.5) - Well, that sucked. Three turnovers doomed the Cards to their first loss, but I'm still on board the bandwagon. Carson Palmer is 2nd in touchdown passes and 5th in yards per attempt, and I think the defense will give them lots of short fields. While watching the Lions, my wife said she thought Matt Stafford was cute. I didn't show her this:



    Dare to dream, honey. Seriously, Stafford is like 50% jowl and 50% sadness. And while the Lions might be the best winless team left, that's not a great distinction to have. At least they get the Bears at home next week. Cardinals win and cover.

    4:25pm EDT, CBS

    New England at Dallas (+9) - Belichick off a bye against Weeden. HMMMM. The walking wounded for Dallas are piling up, but at least they get Greg Hardy back.

    Quote Originally Posted by Chun Liroy View Post
    Apparently greg hardy is a beast on the field?
    Good times. Patriots win and cover.

    Denver at Oakland (+4.5) - Denver is still working out the kinks in Gary Kubiak's offense, and it looks like Ronnie Hillman could be this year's Justin Forsett. Ron-Ron averaged 9.4 yards per carry against Minnesota last week, and picking up a decent run game will help Manning distribute the ball better with play action. But that defense... seven sacks, 11 QB hits, and a fumble recovery. Delicious. Oakland is a better team than years past, but they stumbled in Chicago. There will be growing pains with Carr and Cooper, and this week their job is just to survive Von Miller. Broncos win and cover.

    8:30pm EDT, NBC

    San Francisco at NY Giants (-7) - Twenty-five quarterbacks have a QBR of 50 or higher. The ones that don't: Winston, Flacco, Bradford, Tannehill, Luck, Alex Smith, and one Colin Kaepernick. Those are some pretty respectable names (and a rookie) to be in such a shitty club, but here we are. The Krapper doesn't pass the eye test either as he's looked lost and at times panicked under center. Meanwhile the Giants have won two straight and are using weapons other than Ol' Dirty Beckham Jr. Rashad Jennings was the man last week, gaining 92 yards from scrimmage and sealing the win with a long touchdown reception. I don't think the Giants are any good, but they might be good enough to win the Port-a-John that is the NFC East. And they're certainly good enough to beat San Fran. Giants win and cover.


    MONDAY, OCTOBER 12TH

    8:30pm EDT, ESPN

    Pittsburgh at San Diego (-3) - It's actually kind of sad watching Michael Vick these days. He authored one of the greatest performances ever on a football field in the 2000 Sugar Bowl, where he almost single-handedly beat a Florida State team laden with NFL talent for the National Championship. Alas, Vick and the Hokies lost, and he's never gotten that close to winning a championship since. Modern day Vick is of the 3 yards per rush, 5 yards per pass attempt variety that just makes me feel ancient. Still, the Steelers had the Ravens on the ropes and should be 3-1 right now. I still like Bell and Brown to carry them without Large Ben directing the offense. The Chargers barely beat the Browns in San Diego and that's all you really need to know about them. I'm sure they'll go on some silly win streak in November to get into Wild Card contention, but until then I think they're pretty terrible. Steelers in the upset.

  2. #2
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    first!!

  3. #3
    Mr. Bananagrabber
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bregor View Post
    And while the Lions might be the best winless team left, that's not a great distinction to have.
    Oh they're absolutely the best winless team. Also the worst winless team.

  4. #4

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    Chargers are terrible til November is right. I think the Raiders nip the Broncos tho

    also this TNF is the worst

  5. #5
    Piece of shit Bruins fan

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    Quote Originally Posted by Roranora View Post
    TNF is the worst
    Also correct

  6. #6
    I would prefer not to.
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    bregs is going to feel very silly when the eagles win the super bowl this year

    REPENT

  7. #7
    THIS IS BREGOR'S STORY
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mertron View Post
    bregs is going to feel very silly when the eagles win the super bowl this year

    REPENT
    The Jets are winning the Super Bowl

  8. #8

    Sweaty Dick Punching Enthusiast

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    This didn't get enough attention in the last thread

    http://dnn1.connectedright.com/aikma...of-Week-4.aspx

    Going to be a boring week with the only team that matters on bye

  9. #9
    I would prefer not to.
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    who says you can't test players for CTE until they're dead?

  10. #10
    I would prefer not to.
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    can someone please find how aikman gets his numbers, at work and don't want to navigate that site. i am interested in aikmans ability to do math

  11. #11
    Special at 11:30 or w/e
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    I laughed way way way too hard and my wife looks at me like I'm the dumbest person alive.

  12. #12
    THIS IS BREGOR'S STORY
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    Tortoise Stafford is always good for a laugh

  13. #13
    I'll change yer fuckin rate you derivative piece of shit
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    Quote Originally Posted by Celeras View Post
    This didn't get enough attention in the last thread

    http://dnn1.connectedright.com/aikma...of-Week-4.aspx

    Going to be a boring week with the only team that matters on bye
    I...don't even know what I'm looking at. What the hell is that URL?

    what the fuck is this
    http://dnn1.connectedright.com/Porta.../AikmanSig.png

  14. #14
    Fuck It, I'm Goin Deep Fan Club President
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    checking in

  15. #15
    If I screw up again Im gone forever.
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    At this point I'll consider no one getting a season ending injury a win.

  16. #16
    Mr. Bananagrabber
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    Quote Originally Posted by Chun Liroy View Post
    At this point I'll consider no one getting a season ending injury a win.
    Good luck with that.

  17. #17

    Miami about to be blessed with the one man that can turn around a Florida franchise.

  18. #18
    Mr. Bananagrabber
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    Please God, we need this.

  19. #19
    THIS IS BREGOR'S STORY
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    Quote Originally Posted by Taru Tacos View Post
    Miami about to be blessed with the one man that can turn around a Florida franchise.
    YES

  20. #20
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    Quote Originally Posted by Taru Tacos View Post
    Miami about to be blessed with the one man that can turn around a Florida franchise.
    Tebow?

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