Major Depressive Episode - Have you had one? What did you do?

[Celeste]

I've found that power lies where we believe it resides. I decided to deny people that privilege entirely. As much as I hate to say it, we are our own judge, jury, and executioner. We can hold no one else accountable, even if someone is abusive. Our feelings towards them may muddle the truth of what we must do, and that is to say we must excise the cancer from our lives.

A fact I still grapple with, of course. I gave up in high school. Between being called a columbine shooter and other bullshit, I opted to shock. Threatening to kill and rape one's family does wonders for getting jerks to leave you alone.

I tend to naturally scare people now. There is naught to be gained from trying to be everyone's friend. Smite the fucking bastards, scorch the fucking Earth. Play the long game.

[Mojo]

Also, I highly recommend getting into an exercise program. It's helped me immensely. It takes some learning, but once you've gotten past that, there is literally something to look forward to every day. Chemically it's also very good at combating depression. I recommend getting a gym membership and maybe heading over to the fitness thread here for some good advice (I don't recommend a personal trainer, tons of money spent on someone who probably doesn't give a fuck about you, and ultimately you'll be better off if you can learn how to do it yourself.)

[Yuri-G]

Oh sweetheart I want to give you a really big hug right now.
I've had problems with chronic anxiety my entire life, and depression on and off for 4 years now. For me, anxiety is usually the trigger for depression. I often feel stupid because to me it feels like my whole world is falling down around me, even though I'm aware that the situation isn't as sad and desperate as it could be. When I wake up, I can wake up and feel disappointed that I'm still alive. During those times, I feel like I have no power, no control, and no self-worth to believe I can actually cope.

bingo. I might have mentioned this already but I'm afraid to go to sleep. my evenings are usually ok... not always, but usually. but as bedtime approaches I know I'm going to wake up back in hell. I'm so sorry you've been through this as well... it's a level of personal torture I wasn't aware a human being could experience.

I also totally, completely understand what you said right after the bolded part. no self-worth at all sometimes. like I said... I wouldn't be here if it weren't for my family. with no self-worth and more pain than a person can stand, what's the point? but people would miss me, and that keeps me going. in those darkest moments I live for them, not for myself. and I know just from being on these boards that people would miss you too... probably a lot of people.

[Ksandra]

Sorry to here this Yuri-g as you always seem like a nice positive person.

I wanted to touch on your comment about meds and putting it off. Don't ever ever ever feel bad about taking meds or trying to "get off them" before you're ready or w/e. I hate how society often gives people the impression that meds only hides the problem, or is a bad solution or w/e. I like to give my mom as an anecdote when it comes to meds. It isn't about depression but I think it applies to all types.

Basically, my mom has a serious case of nervousness. It initially was just afraid of heights but would go to the extreme. Like real extreme. She couldn't drive over even small bridges and had to take all kinds of crazy back roads because she couldn't handle it. Her nerves over time were really getting the better of her, but she had that same attitude of "I'm not crazy I can't go to a shrink!" It was getting so bad though sometimes she'd skip work from not wanting to leave the house. If it kept going she'd be one of those people who would have locked herself up in a room for 40+ years. Eventually, we convinced her to go, and let me tell you the pills the doctor gave her was like night and day. Reality was, her syndrome was holding her back, and sometimes just "trying to fight it" isn't enough to ruin the fun out of your life which you only get one of. She still has to take the meds and see her doctor, but you wouldn't think she had any issues. Hell, in two months she's flying out here with my dad to visit for a month which never ever would have happened otherwise.

Sometimes, it's ok for that help if it means getting on with your life. Don't ever feel embarrassed by it. There are many things in life where you just got to do it in order to move on, meds are no different.

[Yuri-G]

have to go home now and I don't have internet there so I can't respond to everyone. I want to though... I feel like responding to each and every one of you who has shared that you've been through something similar.

before I go though,

I'm on the generic for Celexa(anti depression/anxiety), and for me, it started working in the first week.

I had a really bad 2010-now. I couldn't hold a job due to anxiety. Every time anything negative or adverse happened I'd freak out and feel like I had to vomit or I knew I'd start balling my eyes out. I've sort of always had this issue, but for some reason, at the age of 29, it got out of control. I went almost an entire year w/out work while my then girlfriend, now wife, held the pieces together. During my unemployment I started having fits of depression where I'd go from sad to angry to feeling like the most worthless piece of crap on the planet. After quitting job #4 due to having another freak out session I was so angry at myself I went to the doctor.

As stated, I felt the effects in the first week, but it took around 3 weeks for my wife to say I took a 180 degree turn in attitude. Now, roughly 8 months later and still taking the drug daily, I look at it as the best thing I could do for myself. It's helped me control angry/depressing/sad/anxious thoughts. I can actually handle any problem small or big without blowing my stack. Hell, just two weeks ago my engine in my car I still owe money on blew up after I just spent $2200 in suspension/tires/brakes. Sure I was upset, but I was cool about it. A year ago and I probably would've raged for at least two days.

Hang in there. Try and keep positive thoughts. If you have time and are up for it, maybe even volunteer for some community service.

glad to hear about the medication. that gives me hope. I'm gonna be on a generic as well - I'm going to demand it, in fact, because my insurance may be ending soon. the last thing I want is to get help, only to lose that help due to lack of moneys. yeah, my parents are going to assist me if that happens, but I don't want to fucking bankrupt them. and the less they have to help me, the better. hopefully it won't even come to that.

you're not the first person to mention volunteering to me, either. I might do that. helping other people gives a person something to do and also helps us to get outside of ourselves, feel better, etc. of course, there's the whole motivation hurdle, but I can deal with that... I think. if I tackle it when I'm in a decent mood, at least. gotta be strategic that way, lol

[Koul]

Pretty much my entire immediate family has depression. My Mom especially. Whenever I have my major episodes I pretty much just feel absolute garbage. I would be not mopey but just uncaring to the max. I would want to hang out with people but I felt like none of my friends could help my mood. Wanted to play a video game or enjoy a TV show I liked but nothing sounded interesting or fun to do. Then I would get feelings of despair I guess and just be sad and think stupid stuff like "no one even cares about me" or "my friends wouldn't miss me if I didn't exist" and then I would get even more depressed for thinking such depressing things. /vicious-cycle

If you have anyone to talk to about this stuff, that helps A LOT! I called my best friend later that day and just spewed everything at her and she really helped me out and snap me out of it. A good support system with people is amazing. I would highly suggest trying to see a therapist before you get on medication and see how that goes and if you still need some help, then add on the medication.

Another thing you could do is take St. Johns Wort. I've been using that twice a day for about... 2 months now. It's not a cure-all or like the manufactured medication but it might help. It might sound weird to do too but I have around my place stupid positive shit on sticky notes. Stuff that's just uplifting "you're worth it" "I love you" it sounds nerdy but I think it helps.

[LittleSlurpee]

There's a lot of worthy advice going on already, so I wouldn't know what to add in that respect.

The only thing I can do is tell you about my own anxiety and depression problems.

I've had panic attacks as far back as 12 years old. Before that, when I was even younger, I had a run of night terrors. So anxiety has been in my life for a long time. It wasn't until my teens that I started having depression issues. Some of the worse was in high school. Since then I've been slipping in and out of depressive episodes.

I'm currently in what feels like the worse I've ever experienced. It's probably the second or third time in my life I've had serious suicidal thoughts and have come increasingly closer to going through with it. Closing my eyes while driving fast on the road, climbing around the ledge on the balcony, mixing medications and alcohol. I constantly wish I'd just have a convenient accident so it would be over already. Or at least a clear and easy opportunity; like trying to wrestle a gun away from a robber or something. I've always thought I'd die either by gunshot or car accident.

Between not wanting to go to bed and not wanting to get out of bed, my sleep schedule is hectic. It's hard to find the drive and energy to do anything, even though I know, despite waking up over and over, that I probably got enough sleep. My appetite is certainly lacking, but when I do decide to eat nothing sounds better than chocolate. I suppose that's a female thing. Additionally, my sex drive is out the window. I don't even try masturbating. (Yeah, probably TMI, but grow up, trolls.) Sometimes I wanna scream and cry endlessly, or I feel numb and detached, or I can't stand being around anybody and I have to be alone or I'll panic-- or I'll just have a panic attack for no good reason. I recently beat up my knuckles by punching concrete over and over. Strangely, physical pain has been a weird and enjoyable outlet for me. I can't stop prodding my scrapes and bruises.

Besides trying to escape reality through games, I smoke MJ and take more pain killers than I probably should (I get them for my TMJ/Jaw pain problems). I recently started taking Cymbalta. Before that, I was on Welbutrin. Before that, I forget what it was. Maybe Paxil. I just know it sucked balls and so I switched. So far Cymbalta seems to be having the best effect out of everything. I am going to give it some more time to see if it gets any better. :shrug: I have been trying to get out of the house more, and hang around friends. I am thinking I should try running again, which I have done during a depressive time before. Not sure what else to do, really..

Anyway, it's nice to know I'm not the only one who feels this way on here.. kinda. I mean, knowing others feel the same way is comforting in the "not alone" way, but depression really is.. terrible. It's too bad we can't actually sit around and talk. It would probably do everyone on here some good.

If you or anyone else wants to just "talk" it out, you're free to reach me on "Treacherous Dark" on AIM.

[Ganondorf]

Shit sucks. I can't claim mine to be a "Major Depressive Episode" since that is the first time I've heard that term, but I've only recent started to pull myself out of a 4 year funk. Granted it was not a steady 4 years, but a pretty regular good 1.5-2 months for every 3-4 shitty months.

It started as pretty standard depression (just loss of interest in pretty much everything) around age 21. I would only sleep 3-4 hours a night, if at all, I stopped exercising, playing guitar which I used to love, going out with friends (I'm not a bar guy anyway), and pretty much confined myself to work, video games and drinking alone. Drowning myself in beer and shitty food, and losing myself in music and games kept my mind off the problem for the most part. Every so often, the depression would hit me hard, panic attacks were the worst, especially when they happened at work, or on the rare occasion I went out. The cure was basically to get shit-faced with people drunker than myself and spill my guts to them. I figured talking about it would help, and I wouldn't have to deal with the embarrassment of them remembering anything I said (seriously, don't do this unless you like ruining a good time for your friends). Probably about a year and a half or 2 ago, it started to manifest as just pure anger. At heart I'm a pretty mild mannered person, but I started lashing out at people (mostly my parents and coworkers) at even the slightest fuck up. I've tried a few times to pull myself out of the hole, moreso for the sake of the other people it was affecting than myself. I started doing the whole diet and exercise thing, tried forcing myself to be nice to everyone, even the people I thought legitimately deserved the opposite. I don't like being an asshole to people, but in reality, I just didn't care enough to stick with it and caved in each time. My heart wasn't in it, because the core problem was still there.

It wasn't until recently (literally within the past 2-3 weeks or so) that I started making a conscious effort to change. It happened during one of the better months, maybe it was spring fever, maybe it was cleavage season, I dunno. Long story short, I met a girl who I instantly fell for. Like.... fell REALLY hard for her, puppy love, etc. This girl was incredible, and despite having a legitimately more difficult life than myself, had the sweetest, and most relentlessly positive attitude about everything. Granted, I have not had any real relationship in these 4 years, since I was too much of a prick to make the effort. I realize I have virtually no chance with this girl, and finally said fuck it, I'm tired of being miserable and alone and it's time for a change. It's a shitty way to go through life, especially in your early 20's. And quite frankly, I felt guilty (for the first time in years) about that way I had been treating people, and myself. It just didn't make sense anymore, no matter how much the depression sucked, and how bad I felt, it wasn't a good enough excuse to NOT do something about.

It's hard to say what really started it in the first place. Probably my last relationship which ended horribly, combined with a failed attempt at redemption, combined with dropping out of college, combined with the realization that being 21 wasn't all that fun. I'm sure it's different for everyone, and I really hesitate to give any advice, because no advice I ever got was any help (probably just asking the wrong people) but it sounds like you're already on the right track, kudos. I can only speak for myself, but what would have definitely helped me earlier would have been fucking talking about it. In my life I've always been the quiet one, for no other reason than having a severe fear of people not liking me. I always wanted to be liked, and hated the idea of bothering other people. To me, this meant not bogging other people down with my own problems, and not looking emotionally weak. Bottling it all up is probably the worst thing you could do. Your pride isn't worth losing your mind.

I feel REALLY stupid in saying that, what boils down to a grade school crush, helped pull me out of a depression, but I really think that's what it was. I found something worth fighting for, and that was enough for me. Before that, I felt like I had no reason the take care of myself, so I didn't. And I have to agree, beer, junk food and TV only made things worse for me personally. Don't escape the problem, man up and fix it. Aside from the relationships that suffered from it, the one thing I really regret is not seeking real help sooner. I was in the same boat as the OP, and felt like meds would do me no good; told myself that life sucks and to deal with it. I'm still too stubborn and haven't sought out any professional help, but I'm making a solid effort at fixing things for myself. Part of the reason is because I feel like my social life is now 4 years behind, and I have a lot of catching up to do.

Things that keep me going:
1. Losing weight. Physically I haven't felt good since that time 4 years ago when I was actually in shape. I've been doing well so far. Setting goals, ANY kind of goal and working towards definitely helps fight that helpless, hopeless feeling
2. Looking to buy my first house. Really looking forward to a change in scenery and having my own stuff. Living in a basement and only seeing the sun during my daily drive to the office, sucks.
3. Good news and a promising future with the company I've been with for over 3 years now. We're growing and getting bigger and better business, and I'm lucky enough to be part of the forefront.
4. Boobs. I seriously love boobs. They make me happy. Take pleasure in the simple things in life.

One last thing for anyone going trough this or anything similar: ONLY YOU have the power to fix it. No one is going to come along and snap you out of it for you. YOU need to make the conscious effort to fix whatever is wrong, regardless of whatever type of help you decide to go with. You need to want it. I wish I had figured that out 4 years ago, but I'm glad it didn't take me longer than that.

Best of luck to you Yuri.

[BaneTheBrawler]

Just wanted to say again that I'm sorry you guys have to deal with this and I really hope you feel better soon.

[hey]

wait this shit isn't normal?

I've heard that it's not normal.

[Kalmado]

About insurance, I have none . I went to a medical facility that charges off your income. My doctor visits are $20. The doctor may have chose Celexa because you can get that generic at Target w/out insurance for cheap. 3 months is $12 w/out insurance.

About volunteering. I didn't mention in my original post I received a DUI Feb 24, 2010. Seriously, worse thing ever. So obviously I felt the whole spectrum of emotions while dealing with that. I had to serve 40 hours community service. I did it at a halfway house for homeless people. We did laundry, served food, etc etc. I worked the laundry counter. It made me see a different side of life and appreciate life in general much more.

[Celeste]

wait this shit isn't normal?

edit: honestly i've probably been dealing with it on and off for the better part of 10 years. i deal by picturing myself hanging from a noose in the corner, that shit puts me right to sleep.

You don't want to die. That's good. Some people have gotten to the point where imagining themselves hanging is more pleasing than their current predicament, it's why we have these events we commonly refer to as suicides or attempted suicides.

I genuinely wanted to die in July 2009. I took a mix of sleeping pills and hard liquor and woke up unable to move in a hospital bed. Stomach was pumped, feeling eventually came back to my lower extremities. Goddamn neighbor came to check on me and called an ambulance.

I now have the attitude I shared in an earlier post.

[Naggi]

bingo. I might have mentioned this already but I'm afraid to go to sleep. my evenings are usually ok... not always, but usually. but as bedtime approaches I know I'm going to wake up back in hell. I'm so sorry you've been through this as well... it's a level of personal torture I wasn't aware a human being could experience.

I also totally, completely understand what you said right after the bolded part. no self-worth at all sometimes. like I said... I wouldn't be here if it weren't for my family. with no self-worth and more pain than a person can stand, what's the point? but people would miss me, and that keeps me going. in those darkest moments I live for them, not for myself. and I know just from being on these boards that people would miss you too... probably a lot of people.

I have only just recently come out of a month-long episode. The last one was triggered by a failing relationship finally coming to an end. Ideally, I should be able to cope just fine by being single, but I couldn't shake off the feeling of being an incomplete human being, of being unworthy of anyone's affection. I'm now with someone who has always been there for me, always been reliable, and who I've always adored (despite trying to ignore this while it was inappropriate to feel that way). What I should have done was waited until I could cope by myself before being with him, but he makes me feel so happy that I just couldn't help it.

Before that, I was sleeping at all sorts of strange times and eating according to an irregular schedule. It didn't help that I had the pressure of trying to win a PhD studentship, my experiments and almost 100 level-2 essays to grade - being stuck doing that is so depressing to say the least, as it meant I felt I couldn't justify going out to enjoy myself. If there's one piece of advice I can give you, it's to stick to a semi-regular schedule and never shut yourself in for long periods of time. It exacerbates the torture.

Oh, and Celeste... even if you aren't thankful that you're still here now, I am.

[Celeste]

Oh, and Celeste... even if you aren't thankful that you're still here now, I am.

It's not that I am not happy to be alive, but that exercise and a proper diet are of no help to me. I am fundamentally screwed up as a human being. I need to mutilate my genetalia and take estrogen for the rest of my life to conform to my mind's image of what gender I am. I can deny it for a year, and end up trying to hurt myself. It's not something I can ignore. It's change or die for me. And I hate myself so fucking much for it.

[Naggi]

It's not that I am not happy to be alive, but that exercise and a proper diet are of no help to me. I am fundamentally screwed up as a human being. I need to mutilate my genetalia and take estrogen for the rest of my life to conform to my mind's image of what gender I am. I can deny it for a year, and end up trying to hurt myself. It's not something I can ignore. It's change or die for me. And I hate myself so fucking much for it.

After reading this, I have a clearer understanding of how you feel. I wish you could achieve the changes you so desire, but I'm guessing you live in the US, meaning that medical costs bring up barriers everywhere

[Celeste]

After reading this, I have a clearer understanding of how you feel. I wish you could achieve the changes you so desire, but I'm guessing you live in the US, meaning that medical costs bring up barriers everywhere

Health insurance I get from work covers it. It's the self-loathing from growing up Irish Catholic that holds me back. I'm working really hard to get over it.

I need to move out first, or the family will kill me.

[Naggi]

Health insurance I get from work covers it. It's the self-loathing from growing up Irish Catholic that holds me back. I'm working really hard to get over it.

I need to move out first, or the family will kill me.

I probably shouldn't pass judgement before I have my own children, but I've always found it bizarre that parents/family would deny their children happiness in life, no matter how 'unconventional' it seems to them. You're not harming anyone else, you're still trying to lead a productive life. They should let you be you. I'm not a huge fan of religion, situations like these being one of the reasons why.

[hey]

I probably shouldn't pass judgement before I have my own children, but I've always found it bizarre that parents/family would deny their children happiness in life, no matter how 'unconventional' it seems to them. You're not harming anyone else, you're still trying to lead a productive life. They should let you be you. I'm not a huge fan of religion, situations like these being one of the reasons why.

Because religions teaches people that their religion is more important than anything else, including their family, themselves, etc.

[dejet]

workout, take meds your told to, force yourself to go out with friends. And like everyone said hurting yourself is never the answer. I do not no you but others here seem to care very much(hell you got 3 full pages of real answer damn! ya ya most of you have 1 page tapatalk deal with it)

Iv never dealt with anything as bad as your saying but I have felt like shit for a few weeks at a time mostly I just would force myself into the gym and use it as a reason to prove everything/everyone that was putting me down wrong. Id aim to break a PR or something. All you need to care about right now are your loved ones, yourself and if you have a job keep at that too(unless its the reason for it then screw it do whatever you have need to get out of it)

Speak with a doctor as much as you have do, dont feel any shame for it; this is one way to not get over it, having a person to speak about what is bothering you can do wonders. Just dont speak about it all day with others use that time with the doctor and then kick it out of your mind as best as you can.

I really wish you the best and I dont think it needs to be said but people care about you.

[Celeste]

Because religions teaches people that their religion is more important than anything else, including their family, themselves, etc.

This is mostly it. So many have a hard time accepting homosexuality, and then some throw gender into it, and it may be so inconceivable to others that they react violently or outright deny it's plausibility.

This isn't a choice. When I ignore it, I get extremely depressed and I have in the past hurt myself. Nobody would choose this of their own free will. It's been with me since I was a child. I used to pray to God when I was very young to make me a girl.