(By domestic violence victims I am referring to the people banned in the domestic violence thread who also happen to be regular posters in the NFL threads, I AM NOT MAKING FUN OF ACTUAL DOMESTIC VIOLENCE VICTIMS, DO NOT BAN ME PLEASE.)
BYE: Bills, Bengals, Texans, Ravens
Ravens definitely needed this bye week. Joe Flacco has just been abysmal on both sides of the ball for them according to reliable sources. The defense hasn’t been too strong, the offense has been inconsistent because he runs the plays Cam Cameron calls so the rushing attack has been erratic, and unless Torrey Smith has a terminally ill aunt who is going to die on Week 9 we shouldn’t expect much production from him. And it’s all Joe Flacco’s fault, he won’t be the team leader and push one of his family members off a cliff or into traffic each week so Smith can get the motivation he needs to play ball. Tom Brady would do it, and evidence points to Eli having something to do with Victor Cruz’s grandmother passing on which has led to his great performance recently. Elite my ass Flacco.
THURSDAY, October 25th
Buccaneers at Vikings - Josh Freeman played a really good game against the Saints last week, but the Vikings defense is literally on the other side of the list when compared to the shitty Saints so far this season. The defense has done pretty well and only Michael Vick the 3rd has torched them this season and they have a winning record thanks to their easy schedule so far. And this is while Christian Ponder is their QB, unbelievable. Expect Adrian Peterson to rush for 100+ and Christian Ponder to probably go a 4th game throwing 2 INT but winning by the skin of their teeth.
SUNDAY, October 28th
Dolphins at Jets – Mark Sanchez. Ok, that’s not good enough? Tim Tebow. Seriously. The defense for the Jets is surprisingly good still despite losing Revis(Cromartie is getting a Pro Bowl nod if he keeps this up) but unless they can get Nick Folk in range on every single possession they have no chance unless Bizarro Mark Sanchez shows up again. Rex Ryan after the game will tear the head off of the first reporter who criticizes his choice to start Mark Sanchez again.
Chargers at Browns – Bregor is the only person in the entire country who probably cares how this game turns out, or that it even exists. Browns to win because the Chargers can’t use sticky stuff to catch balls anymore.
Colts at Titans – Apparently as long as Jake Locker doesn’t play, CJ496 can run the ball for more than 50 yards a game. Not sure how that works but ok, expect the Titans to win.
Patriots at Rams – The Rams are clearly known for their excellent defense in the past 2 seasons. Only the 2nd coming of Emmitt Smith aka Demarco Murray and Aaron Rodgers(his QBR is really good guys, would you like to hear about it? Of course you would) can hope to penetrate this phalanx that is the Rams defense. No but seriously, expect Tom Brady to throw ~4 TD, they get 1 rushing TD, and then in the 4th quarter the Rams come back to within 1 TD because the Patriots defense is the saddest thing, they somehow are trying to be worse than they were last year it seems. Gronk will make headlines with a twitter photo showing him and some hot British celebrity in a hotel room at some point.
Jaguars at Packers – Like, seriously Archi, if your team loses this game you will never hear the end of it. The Jaguars only good offensive weapon is out and Blaine Gabbert is questionable. And he is also Blaine Gabbert. Packers to field the entire 2nd string by the 4th quarter.
Falcons at Eagles – Actually a tough pick for me, I like the Eagles defense and the Falcons last 2 games before the bye were not too good, will have to see if they fixed those issues during their week of rest. I have no idea how the Eagles defense will perform since the wrong coach was fired. If Vick was doing better this season I’d give them the nod but Matty Ice can win games in the regular season and only the regular season, so I’m sticking with them. Also fantasy points.
Redskins at Steelers – Michael Vick the 3rd is going to destroy the Steelers. Whoever Ike Taylor is covering will have a career game because he can’t cover anybody, and it’s really difficult to properly defend RG3. I can see the Steelers being able to properly stuff Alfred Morris, but that’ll just leave more PA possibilities open for Griffin. In the end, this will be a flashy game on both sides of the ball. Expect Rashard Mendenhall to be a waste of a roster spot again.
Panthers at Bears –
Seahawks at Lions - Matthew Stafford has been horrible while Russell Wilson has shown some very good skills as a rookie this year. Seattle's played alot better at home than they have on the road this season(well for awhile actually, they tend to be very good at home) which is my major beef with Seattle in this game. But I like their pass and rushing combination against the Lions unless Stafford balls out.
Raiders at Chiefs – Game of the day. When people talk about elite QBs, Peyton Manning and Drew Brees are…wait that’s the evening game. Oh, the QBs are Carson Palmer and Brady Quinn…expect some really great rushing plays from both sides, with the occasional pass and INT to allow the other team a turn at running the ball. Raiders to win.
Giants at Cowboys – Giants are undefeated in Cowboys new stadium, which might possibly be named the Manning Dome and have a museum in his honor in it whenever he retires, since he plays better there than Tony Romo does. The Giants secondary is a lot better than Week 1’s matchup, the Giants have apparently found the running game they were missing for over a whole season in the last couple of games, and the pass rush pressure will do work on Romo. Cowboys secondary itself presents some concerns, but expect Eli to win. Oh and before I forget;
Saints at Broncos – This might be the most exciting second half of football all day. Brees plays great during garbage time and Peytons neck needs to warms up for 2-3 quarters. Expect the Broncos to win at home and Saints fans to cry at home.
MONDAY, October 29th
49ers at Cardinals – The NFC West has been surprisingly good for the most part this season(except the Rams), but with Skelton leading the Cards I can’t take them seriously. Kolb was one of the most sacked QBs in the league(27 in 6 games) before getting injured, and the 49ers defense is scary good. Expect Skelton to get tossed around like a drunk girl at a frat party.