Friend in trouble - advice appreciated

[Mizango]

Is that a serious question?
If so I might have to use the water bottle on you instead.

lmao, dammit Luci <3

Well, we in spam know your history with that and know that this is something you take seriously. However, she is an adult and will ultimately make whatever decision it is that she is going to go with. You and her sister have BOTH voiced your concern to no avail, I dont see much you can do by standing beside her and reinforcing that you are intruding out of sheer concern for her well being and possible life. One thing I will say is just be there for her and at her disposal for those hard times, because it is just a matter of time before he trying to pry her from your circle and begins to try to alienate the people that try to talk some sense into her.

Sadly, some people only see the light after it is too late or after they are at the bottom, but dont give in, just do what you are doing and hope for the best possible outcome. You also could contact the authorities if and when that inevitable happens. Feel free to hit me up the FB if the need ever arises to talk in the private.

[archibaldcrane]

Seduce him, but don't fuck him until he breaks up with her, then laugh in his face?


sorry someone had to say it

[Jefe]

Sadly, the only thing you can do is advise her to see a psychiatrist. She has obviously experienced physical or mental abuse. Women are not magically attracted to abusive assholes, there has to be some sort of catalyst that triggers that type of behaviour (usually family, the dad). It is not her fault, her mental mechanism is distorted and she needs therapy. Don't blame yourself.

[Lucienne]

While you can't force an epiphany and make her change her circumstance, you can be there for her, emotionally. Often times, the abuser has so limited the actions or options of the victim that people reaching out to help is seen as an attack, and they capitulate to the tantrums of the abuser, returning to what everyone else can see as a bad relationship. As someone on the outside, this can be immensely frustrating. Don't give up. Let her talk, and if you're comfortable with it, talk to her about your experiences with abuse. It is very, very hard sometimes to equate "what I'm experiencing right now with a living, breathing, person" and "abuse"; a friend sharing that they've been through something similar could help.

And while I'm sure you know this, I'll say it for everyone else: just because there has not been physical violence does not mean this is not an abusive relationship.



It's the worst. I don't know where you're living at the moment, but I'd recommend finding out your country's available resources for help for abuse victims.

Me and her sister have looked up a few places, but it's really hard to do anything if she's not willing. I called the police on my step father once. When they got there, my mother denied everything and they left.
She knows about my step father, and we've talked a bit. She knows that the relationship isn't good, but she's hoping he'll change. He follows the up and down pattern pretty well, when he goes too far and she tells him she'll leave, he makes a grand gesture and begs for forgiveness, she takes him back, and it all repeats. It's really escalated the last couple of months, and I can see the changes in her, which is what really scares me. I told her I don't want her to be the woman that walked into doors.
I think a large issue for me is the fact that I can't relate. I know what's going on, because I've seen it and I know how bad it can get, and how hard it is to break. I see the exact same kind of behavior in him that my step father had. I never understood why my mother stayed. I've actually talked to her today, and I asked her this very thing. I realize there is a lot of fear and insecurity involved, but both of them are, or were, beautiful, strong, smart women. She told me that she thought only dumb women got abused and how it made her ashamed. She told me that she'll never get rid of him, and that the longer it lasts, the harder it will be to get over it.

Is your friend in agreement with the rules he set forth? I'd personally never tolerate that type of situation, but if your friend is okay with his rules, let them be.

She's not. She doesn't know what to do, she just doesn't want to upset him.

One thing I will say is just be there for her and at her disposal for those hard times, because it is just a matter of time before he trying to pry her from your circle and begins to try to alienate the people that try to talk some sense into her.

I'm very worried about this.
He's already suggested that I wasn't a good company at one point. I worry that if I criticize him too much, she'll start to think that I'm against them or something.

Seduce him, but don't fuck him until he breaks up with her, then laugh in his face?


sorry someone had to say it

rofl!
I'd pay someone to do that.

[Lucienne]

Sadly, the only thing you can do is advise her to see a psychiatrist. She has obviously experienced physical or mental abuse. Women are not magically attracted to abusive assholes, there has to be some sort of catalyst that triggers that type of behaviour (usually family, the dad). It is not her fault, her mental mechanism is distorted and she needs therapy. Don't blame yourself.

Her mom died when she was a teen, her dad didn't handle it well.

[Ksandra]

What others have said is the sad truth, keep at her, try to get her to get out of it, but you can't force anything on her. The biggest thing, is if you know of any ANY incident going on where he is abusing her, call the cops. Even if she begs you not to, do it anyway.

Maybe try to get her open into meeting some other guys too, idk.

I will say, that even if he wasn't abusive, having strict rules is just asking for disaster. One friend of mine got divorced over it after having a miserable 4 years with an overprotective chick. There was no "abuse" in the relationship, but she would do similar shit to what you're saying. ie. one time he came to a friend's house to hang out with a bunch of us, had to spend a majority of the time in the bathroom on the phone with her because she kept calling to be like, "when are you coming home? I miss you? How could you have any fun without me?" etc.

he eventually had enough, but no amount of talking to him previously convinced him it wasn't a healthy relationship. He had to come to that conclusion on his own.

[Andalusian girls]

murder him

[richardd]

miz is right. sometimes the best ways to learn is through the experience of going through it 1st hand regardless of the support (good support, mind you. you guys are good friends) she gets.

but on a less serious note, maybe she can be like Jlo in that movie where she was abused and learn kung fu and beat the crap out of him in case push comes to shove

[Ksandra]

You know...rich actually has a good idea...

Sometimes men and women get into these relationships because they have no self esteem. (I know the dude I described in my last post constantly thought "no other chick would take me but her.")

Might want to get her into taking some kind of self defense class or some form of karate or something. It'd be a good activity to support her with, will probably boost her self-esteem, and if the guy tries to pull any shit she can hopefully take care of it.

[Manako]

I think its important to let her know you'll be there for her, but I worry about pushing too hard. We are very concerned for my sister, the guy she married is very domineering and tries to get her less involved with family and friends. My parents were very vocal about not liking him, which made her relationship with them much worse. I try to keep and open mind and let her know I'm there for her, but try to let her draw her own conclusions.

I think its great that you and her sister are talking about the situation, its probably much more effective than trying to tackle the problem alone.

[Brill Weave]

I wonder how much of it is her accepting his "rules" or her thinking that she can be the woman that can change him. There's not a whole lot you can do Luci. Just keep in her ear nonstop over it. If she pushes back cool off a little bit so that she doesn't cut off contact with you and her sister. That will just push her towards this guy faster. The second she calls crying about a physical altercation call the police for her. If the guy is already laying ground rules for how she behaves and hits the table when she doesn't listen this is going to end poorly.

As to the prior question of whether or not joking is ok. If you're only posting joking/trolling shit and not adding anything to the conversation other than that, then the answer is no.

[Lucienne]

You know...rich actually has a good idea...

Sometimes men and women get into these relationships because they have no self esteem. (I know the dude I described in my last post constantly thought "no other chick would take me but her.")

Might want to get her into taking some kind of self defense class or some form of karate or something. It'd be a good activity to support her with, will probably boost her self-esteem, and if the guy tries to pull any shit she can hopefully take care of it.

I think it's aging issues in her case.

but on a less serious note, maybe she can be like Jlo in that movie where she was abused and learn kung fu and beat the crap out of him in case push comes to shove

<3
You sir made me laugh!

[Churchill]

Ok, lot of guys. She's objectively good looking, not the model kind of weird pretty, she's more generally hot, she actually won some miss contests even.
30
I don't really know what other information you need other than she's scared to act "wrong" to not anger him.

The age can play a pretty important role.

[Ksandra]

I think it's aging issues in her case.

kinda still applies. Aging issues are a lowering of self-esteem. "I'm too old!" "I don't have much time left to find a guy!" some kind of activity would both take her mind off that, and show her how young her body really is (how much she's capable of).

[Jefe]

There's a difference between being attracted to abusive men and a dude beating the shit out of you because you didn't pay the rent, and thus you have to learn box to defend yourself. Even if Luci's friend dumps the guy, she will find another man that fits that MO. The man is the abuser and she's the victim (see my last post). I bet that if her friend finds the greatest guy in the world, she will sabotage the relationship because it didn't fit what she's attracted to, abusive relationships.

[Lucienne]

The age can play a pretty important role.

Honestly, yes and no.
There are tons of cute teenage girls. It's not hard to look good when you're 18. Good looking adult women are more rare. Both me and her get a ton of attention from really young guys, which is weird as hell to be honest.
Another thing is, you grow whole lot more confident with age and you care way less about what other people think about you.
What might be relevant is the fact she wants to have kids and family at some point, and the clock is ticking, so she's more willing to settle for less.

[Lucienne]

There's a difference between being attracted to abusive men and a dude beating the shit out of you because you didn't pay the rent, and thus you have to learn box to defend yourself. Even if Luci's friend dumps the guy, she will find another man that fits that MO. The man is the abuser and she's the victim (see my last post). I bet that if her friend finds the greatest guy in the world, she will sabotage the relationship because it didn't fit what she's attracted to, abusive relationships.

This is so very true, you have no idea. Or I guess you do.

[Churchill]

She's attracted to dominance like all women, her version is just a bit less healthy and less natural because he isn't what she thinks he is.

Attention from younger guys is irrelevant to what I'm talking about. Most women would love to play the mens dating game, but as someone who goes after older chicks from time to time, I am never serious about that relationship. Even if they are great, it's not serious. Her age and the factors you mentioned are relevant though.

[Lucienne]

She's attracted to dominance like all women, her version is just a bit less healthy and less natural because he isn't what she thinks he is.

Aren't we pushing it a little here?

Attention from younger guys is irrelevant to what I'm talking about. Most women would love to play the mens dating game, but as someone who goes after older chicks from time to time, I am never serious about that relationship. Even if they are great, it's not serious. Her age and the factors you mentioned are relevant though.

And since when are you representative of all younger men? Yes, some are that way, and no, not all are. You'd be surprised.

[archibaldcrane]

As a dominant man, those rare occurrences when you go out with a dominant girl and then you both want to bang but neither will submit, even slightly, to the other's will are so fucking awkward. One time I seriously dismounted a girl like a gymnast from the bed to the floor (nailed the landing) because she kept trying to top while we were banging.

the worst