Friend in trouble - advice appreciated

[Lucienne]

To keep it short, a close friend of mine is headed straight into an abusive relationship. All the signs are there. I grew up with an abusive step father, I know what I'm seeing and it terrifies me. It's not just his behavior, I watch my friend crumble as well. Both me and her sister are getting increasingly worried about her especially since she's planning to travel abroad with the man. I realize there is basically nothing I can do about it. I'm not very good at tackling the situation, since it's rather personal for me, I try to stay calm and not put any blame on her even when she acts poorly. It's really hard to watch someone you care about get hurt and not be able to stop it. I guess any comforting words or advice are appreciated.

P.S: I've considered hitting him with a water bottle. I'd make sure to pick a large one, freeze it properly and aim good.

[Koul]

Tell her how you feel and your concerns. That's about all you can do, I think.

[Ratatapa]

Best tip, convince her to go to the autorities.

That is the safest way

First try to make her to go stay somewhere temporarly like your house.

Then send the cops to her house

[Xno Kappa]

The second there's domestic issues report it to the police. They might not do something right then and there but a raw data file would be open in his name. Makes it easy pickings for the DA if there's subsequent issues. The very least you can do if there's no stopping the relationship.

[Churchill]

so he's already hit her and was unprovoked in doing so?

[Mertron]

just to be clear in advance, is joking allowed in this thread?

[Lucienne]

Both me and her sister have told her. She agrees that it's not ok, then turns around and falls right back into it. Yesterday, her and her sister were at my place. He called her at almost 2 am, repeatedly till she answered, then she spent an hour talking to him in the bathroom. That was after we talked about how she has to set limits and not let him treat her however he wants. Fuck the fact it's pretty rude to disappear for an hour when you're visiting people, the fact he can call her at 2 am without having any decent explanation for it other than he was awake and felt like and she's cool with is insane to me. She has a daytime job and was supposed to be asleep.

[Lucienne]

Best tip, convince her to go to the autorities.

That is the safest way

First try to make her to go stay somewhere temporarly like your house.

Then send the cops to her house

They don't live together. She can walk out any time. He doesn't even live in the same city. She just won't.

[Lucienne]

so he's already hit her and was unprovoked in doing so?

He hasn't hit her yet, as far as I know. He's set rules what what she can do around other men, and how she should behave when she's with him, he's yelled at her and he's hit the table. All those things for reasons such as she spent more time talking to me and her sister than with him.

[Lucienne]

just to be clear in advance, is joking allowed in this thread?

Is that a serious question?
If so I might have to use the water bottle on you instead.

[Churchill]

I'm going to take the answer to my previous question as "no".

As for the rest, until he does do that it's very easy to judge emotions in a relationship via 3rd party. I won't say much else without more information, but it does sound a tad petty.

[Churchill]

He hasn't hit her yet, as far as I know. He's set rules what what she can do around other men, and how she should behave when she's with him, he's yelled at her and he's hit the table. All those things for reasons such as she spent more time talking to me and her sister than with him.

Sounds like both of these people are insecure as fuck.

[Lucienne]

I'm going to take the answer to my previous question as "no".

As for the rest, until he does do that it's very easy to judge emotions in a relationship via 3rd party. I won't say much else without more information, but it does sound a tad petty.

Petty in what way?

[Lucienne]

Sounds like both of these people are insecure as fuck.

Obviously
She's hot as hell, can get any guy really. It's not like her to let someone treat her poorly.

[Churchill]

Well, let's not say any guy or get too far ahead of ourselves.

How old is she

[Xajii]

you can't change anything. not directly.

she needs to see her self worth for herself before she will ever be able to.realize that she deserves better. to that end, the best thing that you can do for her is cultivate positive attitudes about herself and get her involved in things tthat will make her feel good, strong as an individual.

this is all assuming physical aabuse doesn't enter into it. I don't think "hitting the table" is really a huge red flag in that direction. don't men and women both have a physically aggressive response to frustration sometimes? I guess I can see the other side too but yeah

[isladar]

I realize there is basically nothing I can do about it.

While you can't force an epiphany and make her change her circumstance, you can be there for her, emotionally. Often times, the abuser has so limited the actions or options of the victim that people reaching out to help is seen as an attack, and they capitulate to the tantrums of the abuser, returning to what everyone else can see as a bad relationship. As someone on the outside, this can be immensely frustrating. Don't give up. Let her talk, and if you're comfortable with it, talk to her about your experiences with abuse. It is very, very hard sometimes to equate "what I'm experiencing right now with a living, breathing, person" and "abuse"; a friend sharing that they've been through something similar could help.

And while I'm sure you know this, I'll say it for everyone else: just because there has not been physical violence does not mean this is not an abusive relationship.

It's really hard to watch someone you care about get hurt and not be able to stop it.

It's the worst. I don't know where you're living at the moment, but I'd recommend finding out your country's available resources for help for abuse victims.

[Byrthnoth]

Mental abuse can be just as destructive as physical, but it's harder to quantify.

You should probably talk to her directly. Try to bring her to her senses, but make it very obvious that you will help her escape it if she decides to. Don't get overly preachy. Just something like, "Look, I have a little experience with this and I'm seeing a lot of red flags. If you need someone, I will be there. Get out sooner rather than later."

[Lucienne]

Well, let's not say any guy or get too far ahead of ourselves.

How old is she

Ok, lot of guys. She's objectively good looking, not the model kind of weird pretty, she's more generally hot, she actually won some miss contests even.
30
I don't really know what other information you need other than she's scared to act "wrong" to not anger him. Acting "wrong" can be basically anything, from talking to a man and smiling, not being where he is at all times at a party, doing things with other people that he doesn't want to do. Not all abuse is physical, and not all abuse starts with slapping. Her stress is taking a toll on her health, not going to give you any details there.

@Xajii
I'll take her do things, that's actually really good!

Is he feeding her biscuits?

He's making her watch him eat them instead.

[Ddz]

Is your friend in agreement with the rules he set forth? I'd personally never tolerate that type of situation, but if your friend is okay with his rules, let them be. If violence happens, call the authorities and deal with it at that time. Just because you disagree with how other people behave in their relationships does not make it necessarily wrong. I would, however, tell your friend that disappearing for an hour to take a phone call while in your company is rude. Freedom in relationships can exist - if you disagree that strongly, I'd have that type of discussion with her instead of trying to flame the guy.