Non Religious Dating Religious.... Possible?

[Dantrag]

My wife and I had sex before we were even together... in the middle of the work day... in an empty office... We then went to the "friends with benefits" stage, then "ok we're dating" to " ok lets move in", "ok moving out of state together", "well shit, we want kids" to "ok now we're married and have a kid".

I agree with Astylla, sex is a core component to a relationship. Waiting a few weeks/months is fine but for me personally you have to be compatible. I think that's more important than the whole religious thing. Of course it's different if she's waiting for marriage but that's a whole different ball park.

[Inshiya]

Ya the sex thing is honestly the biggest "how could this work" factor for me. I've never waited.

I connect emotionally based on physical connection. I can't get emotionally attached enough to her to consider something long term if there's no physical.

Fuck.

[kuronosan]

Sexual chemistry is important, but if you're not emotionally connecting outside of the physical you're not in a relationship.

[Dantrag]

Ya the sex thing is honestly the biggest "how could this work" factor for me. I've never waited.

I connect emotionally based on physical connection. I can't get emotionally attached enough to her to consider something long term if there's no physical.

Fuck.

Building a relationship before sex isn't a bad thing. If you like her you can wait a few months. Let her have her 90 days lol.

[Inshiya]

90 days? How could anyone consider waiting that long.

Would you wait 90 days to have a conversation with someone you were dating? Wait 90 days to have emotional feelings for them?

For me, if we haven't had sex, we're just friends. I'm not going to decide to just start going "steady" with a friend.

If she thinks that we're going to just grow with each other without the physical side, this relationship is doomed from the start. She may be able to get more attached and connected without sex, but the two are not mutually exclusive for me.

I'm certainly not going to stop dating other people or having sex while she waits for enough arbitrary time to have passed to satisfy some archaic social norm she thinks "makes relationships right."

She's even said things like "I don't want to screw it up this time" -> Which means she's been in relationships where she's getting plowed from the start and I'm the poor sap who gets her in the "not this time!" phase.

But she doesn't realize it wasn't the sex that fucked up her previous relationships, it was the other stuff.

[kuronosan]

90 days? How could anyone consider waiting that long.

Would you wait 90 days to have a conversation with someone you were dating? Wait 90 days to have emotional feelings for them?

For me, if we haven't had sex, we're just friends. I'm not going to decide to just start going "steady" with a friend.

If she thinks that we're going to just grow with each other without the physical side, this relationship is doomed from the start. She may be able to get more attached and connected without sex, but the two are not mutually exclusive for me.

Basically what you're saying is sex is the most important thing in a relationship.

Which means you're not ready for a real relationship. Sure, sex is important. But if having sex is what makes you connect with someone, not only are you in a relationship for all the wrong reasons the problem is not them - it's you.

[Inshiya]

I didn't say it's the most important thing, I said it's just as important as anything else in a relationship.

Sexual connection doesn't take a backseat to emotional/intellectual connection for me. I feel bad for anyone that thinks it should.

I'm not sure what "in a relationship for all the wrong reasons" means. We seek out relationships for mating and companionship. If you take out the key aspect of male/female pair bonding and leave only the platonic interactions, then you have a friend, not a partner.

I'm not looking for a "friend." I'm looking for a compatible mate. Friendship is certainly part of that, but it's not the only part.

Would you consider giving up conversation for 90 days? Why is sex any less important than intellectual or emotional connectivity?

[Anoat]

The last time a girl I was dating wanted to wait for sex, I went along with it for about a month. Then she dropped on me that she was pregnant. Obviously it wasn't mine, told her good luck and have a nice life and got the fuck out of there.

[Tyrath]

Basically what you're saying is sex is the most important thing in a relationship.

Which means you're not ready for a real relationship. Sure, sex is important. But if having sex is what makes you connect with someone, not only are you in a relationship for all the wrong reasons the problem is not them - it's you.

Or...you could stop pushing your definition of a relationship onto other people. Everyone connects in different ways and for different reasons. The key is finding someone who is a match.

[kuronosan]

I didn't say it's the most important thing, I said it's just as important as anything else in a relationship.

Sexual connection doesn't take a backseat to emotional/intellectual connection for me. I feel bad for anyone that thinks it should.

I'm not sure what "in a relationship for all the wrong reasons" means. We seek out relationships for mating and companionship. If you take out the key aspect of male/female pair bonding and leave only the platonic interactions, then you have a friend, not a partner.

I'm not looking for a "friend." I'm looking for a compatible mate. Friendship is certainly part of that, but it's not the only part.

Would you consider giving up conversation for 90 days? Why is sex any less important than intellectual or emotional connectivity?

You feel bad for anyone who thinks it should?

You're here on BG asking for advice and help, and you're the relationship expert?

I feel bad for any woman that ends up with you right now. Good luck with your superficial relationship.

[Dantrag]

I didn't say it's the most important thing, I said it's just as important as anything else in a relationship.

Sexual connection doesn't take a backseat to emotional/intellectual connection for me. I feel bad for anyone that thinks it should.

I'm not sure what "in a relationship for all the wrong reasons" means. We seek out relationships for mating and companionship. If you take out the key aspect of male/female pair bonding and leave only the platonic interactions, then you have a friend, not a partner.

I'm not looking for a "friend." I'm looking for a compatible mate. Friendship is certainly part of that, but it's not the only part.

Would you consider giving up conversation for 90 days? Why is sex any less important than intellectual or emotional connectivity?

But emotional and intellectual connection take a back seat to sex. Even if it's the BEST sex in your life, THAT doesn't make a relationship last either. I'm not saying wait until marriage but fuck, wait a month or so, it's not that hard. Wait until you have a kid and can't have sex for 3-6 months. And then starting around 4-5 months you MIGHT get lucky and get it once every few weeks.

[Tyrath]

But emotional and intellectual connection take a back seat to sex.

Not sure why people think it has to be either or. They could all be equally important aspects.

[Dantrag]

Not sure why people think it has to be either or. They could all be equally important aspects.

The way he is stating it specifically for himself it's taking a back seat. Read about 1 or 2 posts before that one. Where he cannot see someone as more than a friend if they're not having sex.

[Tyrath]

The way he is stating it specifically for himself it's taking a back seat. Read about 1 or 2 posts before that one. Where he cannot see someone as more than a friend if they're not having sex.

Thats not how I read it. If you consider all of those things to be equally important, then even if one of them doesn't work then the whole thing is a flop. There's nothing wrong with that. You keep looking until you find someone who fits all the categories.

[Inshiya]

Not sure why people think it has to be either or. They could all be equally important aspects.

Exactly.

You feel bad for anyone who thinks it should?

You're here on BG asking for advice and help, and you're the relationship expert?

I feel bad for any woman that ends up with you right now. Good luck with your superficial relationship.

I'm not the expert, but neither are you and when you tell me that my version of relationships is superficial and I don't deserve to be with someone because it doesn't fit YOUR definition of a healthy relationship, I'm well within my rights to disagree.

[Tyrath]

Not to mention, if theres a mismatch on the sexual front already, I can almost guarantee you there will be more in the future. It's not the most important thing in a relationship TO ME but I'd still be wary of trying to be with someone who already had a little bit of sexual incompatibility from the beginning.

[kuronosan]

Exactly.



I'm not the expert, but neither are you and when you tell me that my version of relationships is superficial and I don't deserve to be with someone because it doesn't fit YOUR definition of a healthy relationship, I'm well within my rights to disagree.

First of all, I never told you that you don't deserve to be in a relationship.

Second of all, I'm married and expecting. I have been in the same relationship for about seven years now.

That makes me much more of an authority on successful relationships than you.

Third, I'm not "pushing" my definition on him, Tyrath.

[Tyrath]

Third, I'm not "pushing" my definition on him, Tyrath.

Right.

Which means you're not ready for a real relationship. Sure, sex is important. But if having sex is what makes you connect with someone, not only are you in a relationship for all the wrong reasons the problem is not them - it's you.

I feel bad for any woman that ends up with you right now. Good luck with your superficial relationship.

You're being judgmental because you think you're an authority on relationships just because you're married. Congratulations? Doesn't make you any more qualified than anyone else to determine what is a real or a superficial relationship for someone else.

[Dantrag]

Not to mention, if theres a mismatch on the sexual front already, I can almost guarantee you there will be more in the future. It's not the most important thing in a relationship TO ME but I'd still be wary of trying to be with someone who already had a little bit of sexual incompatibility from the beginning.

Problem with that kind of mentality is that you're basically saying you have to fuck everyone you think you might be compatible with before starting a relationship. From a guys point of view that's fine but from a girls it's probably less so. And for way too many guys out there "easy" girls aren't their type. Not to mention sex is one of the few things in a relationship that you can actually work on improving. Positions on certain issues and other non-physical standards for relationships are a different matter.

[Abandon]

im not married, and i agree with dude. sex isnt everything. if you cant stand being around the bitch, and her every word makes you wonder why her parents didnt abort, no sex is gonna make you want to stay, and if you do, if you both got hit by a bus, i wouldn't blink.