Real Talk : Suicide/Depression

[Gokku]

Given the recent loss of another poster to this topic lets try to have a civil talk about the realities and cause / effect of suicide. I am well aware this is a very touchy subject for a lot of people.

That said lets preface this with some background from my end.

Me personally have my own depression issues and not the high school sally didn't take me to prom kinda depression. Currently the best example of a bad day is something like this:

Went to work one morning great day the day before its a tuesday or wed nothing exciting or major happening , im in the back cutting pc boxes open to assemble for the day. When suddenly the mood for me shifts 110% wave of thoughts just start. No "trigger", nothing caused it, just me with my headphones listening to music while cutting boxes lalala.Now i remember this incident in clarity because of one crystal clear though "i know why robin williams did it" and this thought was one i couldn't get to go away. I stood there at work effectively alone with the tools necessary in hand to just end it all. This feeling of "dread" settles in not the fear of dying but the excitement of being done, that the fights over just let it go and the rest you'll never need to worry about. Now this isnt my first rodeo with suicidal thoughts but it was the most intense of 2015.

Why i mentioned any of the above is simply so that i could say this.

I fully understand the appeal of suicide and understand that it is indeed an out. i'm curious as to how others deal with the emotional side of it be it the loss of someone to suicide or the feelings you suffer yourself. Or how you cope with those feelings.

For myself i have the following actions i take. I contact 3 of my friends and alert them that im having a bad day, All 3 are aware that this isnt a normal text. ive also made it clear that ive no plans to actively take my own life *will be explained*,
and that there isnt anything i need or want them to do im simply informing them.
I do this for 2 reasons:
1. i hate how sudden suicide is, how much it hurts those left behind, and all the questions left unanswered.
2. i don't want pity or sympathy or even comfort i just want those i've chosen to know, to infact know it may indeed happen.

I use the term actively because while i have pretty strong self will not to commit suicide, nor to not put my friends family etc through the pain of suicide. I'm also well aware that one day the emotions may win. I dont joke about it nor say it casually its a fight that most days is an easy win and on the rare days is a near loss.



Thats enough about me , discuss

[Spicyryan]

i'm curious as to how others deal with the emotional side of it be it the loss of someone to suicide or the feelings you suffer yourself. Or how you cope with those feelings.

Can make an issue as simple as complex as you want. When it comes to loss everyone deals with it differently, but also ultimately the same.

Life goes on and we either accept it and move along or dwell in the past and wallow in our own misery. Beyond that it is down to ones personal coping mechanisms and then their support group (forum, friends, family, waifus) to stand with them.
There is always a great unifying factor in the death of someone. Even if that person is not known by others. With so many things that push us apart you could see that brief moment of unity as a silver lining. Things are neither positive nor negative, but a varied amount of each.

[Dimmauk]

I had a friend that killed himself, he suffered from depression, and alot of it was due to his family. His entire family suffered from depression, and the dad and his brother before him had also killed themselves.
I tried to help him and tried to talk him into being the one that doesnt follow the same path as his family members, but it didnt work.
It felt like maybe there was a chemical defect or something hereditary or maybe they were cursed.
It was still very sad because when he was happy and laughing it was contagious.
It was difficult and still is to not be mad at him.

[Astylla]

I've struggled with and been diagnosed with depression in the past and recent realized I need to seek out help again for my own well being long term. I'm the person people are typically surprised to hear I suffer from such because I'm always trying to smile and force myself through situations. I've got faking it until you make it down to a science.

For me these struggles began when I was forced for lack of a better term from high school after assault and other acts against me. I fled to the safety of online, back then AOL chat rooms and role playing so I could hide from it all. As we know not everything is fake, real feelings and friendships are formed. I had someone who was always good to me despite being several years younger than myself. He was like a little brother to me and we kind of looked after each other. We were friends for several years when my depression between not being able to graduate compounded with an alcoholic father and loneliness begun to shape my world in a negative way. He was offline but I sent a long message saying goodbye.

I had a fifth of vodka with a myriad of prescription pills from my dad when the phone rang. The ironic part here was it was cordless and I never left it in my room.. But I picked it up and it was my friend. 6 hours later I promised I wouldn't consider it again. There's not a day that goes by that I don't thank him for saving my life.

When I lost my mom 10 years ago all those feelings came back and never really went away.. It's a constant battle. I've got days where the mere thought of being alive feels exhausting but I've learned that I have coping methods that help including my cats, taking day trips and having emotional breakdowns.

Sometimes I feel like suicide and the feelings of it all is like the pink elephant in the room no one wants to talk about. But I can't help but wonder if we had the opportunity to be more open to each other could that help in some cases? I hide it because I feel like I'm not what normal adults should be, however then I realize through similar posts I'm not the only one who deals with it after all. It's a strange level of comfort..

[Shenrien]

I went through a long drawn out phase of depression when I lost one of my closest friends. My family was concerned and wanted me to get some psychiatric care but I never really believed that talking to someone about the things that I had been feeling were going to suddenly make me feel better, or feel like I had something gotten off my chest.

I instead sulked for 6 long months before I was able to pull my head out of the dark depression that I was in and was able to move on. I preferred if no one talked to me about it, or ever brought it up. That would usually lead me down to a bit more suffering as the waves of emotions that would push me back and fourth would almost bring me crashing down. I've never once thought of suicide tho as an answer to get rid of the feelings and the weight of depression. I knew that all that would do is cause even more pain for the people around me that cared.

Depression isn't something to mess around with, do what you feel is going to help rid yourself of that horrible feeling. I've never been one to think medicines / placebos would help get rid of the feelings for good, I know my brush with depression isn't as deep as others that have had to deal with it. But please think of those around you, and the ones that care most for you. The feelings may come and go, and with time eventually pass, but nothing would be more harmful than to have your life taken by your own actions. Don't let someone else tell you how you should end yourself just because they're being a pig-headed troll that doesn't know how the person they're communicating to feels truly on the other side.

[Blubbartron]

I don't struggle with thoughts of suicide - I've basically accepted it as an inevitability. I hate this world, and nearly every single person in it. I've been unemployed for 7 months, and my death approaches more quickly as my savings dwindle. I have no desire to get a job simply to continue existing, so I enjoy what time I have left playing games and arguing with people on the internets. Been seeing multiple therapists for months, group therapy once a week for weeks, antidepressants, etc. Nothing changes.

The world is shit, and the absence of suffering is more appealing than the futile hope that society and life will miraculously change for the better. Also inb4 some jackass posts that fucking suicide hotline so they can feel like they've actually done something even though the people that would call such a thing would never go through with it to begin with. There's a difference between cry for help suicidal and actually accepting that you will die suicidal.

[Aksannyi]

Blubb you don't know me from anyone else and I'm not a therapist, in fact I barely have my own life together, but talk to me, talk to any of us. Please. I would be devastated to hear if something happened, if another person from here killed themselves. It's ... I didn't know Woozie but that hit me hard, because it was someone who was so loved by so many and so valued here. I knew hey and she was my friend and I'm torn up about this. I've known others, countless others ... please. Dear god, I care too much sometimes but please, talk to someone. I know the suicide hotline isn't much, and I don't post it because it's just another platitude from someone who doesn't seem to care enough to offer their own ear.

So I care enough to offer my own ear. I am going out in a bit, but if you message me I will respond.

[Lucavi]

One of my exes' family has had 4 suicides within the last generation, with the last one occurring two years ago. She, herself, has struggled with suicidal thoughts as well. I absolutely feel that there's a genetic-based predisposition towards suicide within certain families. Its such a messy issue.

[myreality]

Depression is a scary scary thing. I believe everyone experiences it to some degree, obviously some more then others.

I remember I made a support thread a while ago after I survived my darkest hour, I will have to dredge it up, update it and repost it. I will link it in here as to not shadow this or Rachel's thread. Support is needed and there are resources out there for those looking. Not great but a start.

[GoggleHead]

Also inb4 some jackass posts that fucking suicide hotline so they can feel like they've actually done something even though the people that would call such a thing would never go through with it to begin with.

Amen to that.

Suicide isn't a cry for help so much as it is an out, a solution to a problem. When your every waking moment is a shitfest for months on end with no change in sight, offing yourself becomes a very obvious choice. Not an easy one, but the only one that makes sense. I got to that point in my life last August. Walked out the front door with no intention of returning. The only reason I'm still here is because of my best friend. We'd talked about the shit I was going through and the suicidal tendencies that had been building up and he made me promise I'd call him before I acted on it. So on the way to the train station I called, to say goodbye I suppose. He deserved that much at least.
He didn't pick up.
If he hadn't called me back before I got to the train track I would be dead on the third rail.
He talked me down and broke my resolve, but the option of suicide is still on the table. I'm moderately more stable now, but things are still shit. But hey, at least I'm able to fill the void with vidya again.

[Grey Jorildyn]

I am a licensed mental health counselor in NY. It's unfortunate to hear stuff like this and I do on a daily basis. If you're down, depressed, feeling hopeless, get help or at least talk to a friend. All you need is someone to listen to you, professional or otherwise. The more you isolate the worse it will be over time.
Remember there is always hope.

[Blubbartron]

I am a licensed mental health counselor in NY. It's unfortunate to hear stuff like this and I do on a daily basis. If you're down, depressed, feeling hopeless, get help or at least talk to a friend. All you need is someone to listen to you, professional or otherwise. The more you isolate the worse it will be over time.
Remember there is always hope.

There's hope you'll win the lottery, providing you play, but you're still a fool if you do. "Hope" only matters if it's reasonable hope, and sometimes there is no reasonable hope for the things dragging you down.

[Fondue]

I don't struggle with thoughts of suicide - I've basically accepted it as an inevitability. I hate this world, and nearly every single person in it. I've been unemployed for 7 months, and my death approaches more quickly as my savings dwindle. I have no desire to get a job simply to continue existing, so I enjoy what time I have left playing games and arguing with people on the internets. Been seeing multiple therapists for months, group therapy once a week for weeks, antidepressants, etc. Nothing changes.

The world is shit, and the absence of suffering is more appealing than the futile hope that society and life will miraculously change for the better. Also inb4 some jackass posts that fucking suicide hotline so they can feel like they've actually done something even though the people that would call such a thing would never go through with it to begin with. There's a difference between cry for help suicidal and actually accepting that you will die suicidal.

can you not get some kind of disability paycheck to keep playing games? I read something on 4chan one time about a step by step guide to get disability feigned or not for severe depression. Getting yourself admitted to a hospital for suicidal thoughts was first then just keep saying oh god maybe i'll get my shit together one day but atm i really cant handle the idea of going out to apply to a job so please keep paying me

[thetruepandagod]

can you not get some kind of disability paycheck to keep playing games?

This is the opposite of help.

[myreality]

Updated list, please let me know if there is anything more i should put in here.

http://www.bluegartr.com/threads/112...-including-Wop

[arus2001]

I can't say I've sunken that deep into the darkness, but I've still waded through enough shit to the point where some thought I needed help. I tried, but it didn't really feel like anything more than a waste of money between visits and the pills that'd do nothing to change the environment that was bogging me down to begin with. I suppose I employ a bit of gallows humor when knocking where I live, but it's a depressed area. The young more fortunate enough to get away via college are staying away. The average age of people in my town is like 52. Things like net cafes or areas that cater to more nerdly pursuits just aren't a thing, which only complicates physical socializing for those whose interests align similarly to my own. I don't drink and have no interest in the bar scene, pretty much knocking out the only adult hangouts we do have here. I'd love to get out of this area that just feels like a trap, but that takes money I don't have and the professional urge of, "I want to grow up and be a doctor!" or whatever never really hit me, leaving me feeling more aimless as I bounce from job to job, more often turned off by the people I get stuck with than the work itself. Other personal factors I've rambled about in the Fail thread from time, but I think those are more to vent than any particular cry for help. I know where I'm stuck could be worse, along with a few other conditions, but on the worst days... I dunno, I get by somehow.

[Cream Soda]

As far as I'm personally concerned, I'm indifferent to my own death. Whether I live to be 26 or 106 makes absolutely no difference to me. For example, my third time being hit by a car, I had a giant, bleeding knot that swelled my forehead to twice the size. Had no interest in the debt associated w/ going to the hospital. Everyone begged me to go and I was like "look, if it's my time to die, then so be it. If not, let's get lunch next week". Then everyone kept telling me not to go to sleep since I may have a concussion. Fuck that noise. I went to bed when I was tired. Woke up the next day. Guess I wasn't meant to die there.

That said, I've never had a strong desire to live. So if something were to ever shift me being indifferent to me WANTING to die, I'd probably do so without hesitation.

[Meresgi]

I'll chime in because i've wrestled with severe depression and anxiety for the past 14 years. I used to think it was just typical teenager melodrama shit but it was more then "They just don't get me! #linkenpark". I was diagnosed around 25 after my father died (more or less a slow suicide by drinking himself there with diabetes) months after my grandmother who I practically lived with for years, her passing being a year after my grandfather passed. At first they figured it was just situational depression due to circumstances and everyone around me dying but after talking to a lot of psychologists/psychiatrists they ended up trying me on different meds. The only thing positively I can say about the medication was my anxiety is hit or miss nowadays, though to be quite honest the dosage I was on I think ruined me in some ways. I feel barely anything for a lot of what goes on in my life, I'm married yet feel no different then when I was alone, people talk to me and I just stare through them sometimes. It depends on the day of course, and I always look happy since I have learned to fake it pretty well.

Like you Gokku i've had times where I felt like ending it would be far easier, though I honestly believe I wouldn't go that far due to my other family members and my desire to give them a better life. Everything I do now is to make it possible for them to have lives that arn't full of shit and poverty like they are used to, so if i'm gone they are just stuck and I don't like that. If you need to talk you can always PM me, I will say i'm a cynical mother fucker at times though haha, but I can relate to that deep dark feeling of despair.

[darkepyon]

I've dealt with depression and suicidal thoughts on and off since middle school. Never really acted on said feelings until a couple years ago. To this day, I'm not sure how I didn't end up six feet under or in a care facility after that. From my experience, depression is a sneaky mofo and trying to "fake it till you make it" is probably one of the worst things one can do.

I'm glad to see this conversation being had as it may very well save a life. We may all have radically different viewpoints on many things, but we're still human beings, and should strive to help each other out.

[Spicyryan]

Also inb4 some jackass posts that fucking suicide hotline so they can feel like they've actually done something even though the people that would call such a thing would never go through with it to begin with. There's a difference between cry for help suicidal and actually accepting that you will die suicidal.

I don't know if you can really speak for those who call it. The ones who do and the ones who don't both need help. It is not like there is a need to have a "who needs help more" pissing contest either.

Spoiler: show

1 (800) 273-8255
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

Hours: 24 hours, 7 days a week
Languages: English, Spanish