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ISLABLAG: IN WHICH I SHILL FOR MY FATCAT CORPORATE OVERLOARDS

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TIRED OF PRODUCTS THAT DON'T LOUDLY ADVERTISE WHERE YOU WASTE TIME ON THE INTERNET? WELL WHO ISN'T, FUCKFACE!

HI FOLKS, AUNTIE ISLADAR HERE WITH AMAZING NEW PRODUCTS CALLED BG SHIRTS AND HATS WHICH ARE GUARANTEED TO REVOLUTIONIZE YOUR SHIRT AND/OR HAT EXPERIENCE, AND WE'RE NOT TALKING ABOUT SOME KIND OF KRIS KROSS REVIVAL*. THESE SHIRTS AND HATS ARE MADE OF 100% MATERIALS AND ARE ENTIRELY GLUTEN-FREE**. I'm going to stop typing in all caps, but I need everyone to still read this in their head as if I were shouting. Because shut up, that's why.

Look, everyone who knows you already knows you're a hopeless goony shut-in who loves video games and pretending to be erudite on the internet. Stop trying to hide it. Stop being ashamed! Take ownership of your poor life choices, and start wearing them -- in the stylish form of BG SHIRTS AND HATS. Don't think of it as advertising for an internet gaming forum: think of it as letting the world know that you have enough disposable income to spend money on an internet gaming forum. That is class. That is prestige. I mean sure, you could buy Armani, but what kind of asshole does that? Some jerk who wants you to notice. BG SHIRTS AND HATS don't say 'Armani', they say "I have considered being a functioning and reasonable member of adult society, and must respectfully decline", and then they do a totally-sweet ollie-bo-bollie*** or w/e and give double middle fingers and then fireworks go off and they spell out FUCK YOU, DAD and that one hot chick who laughed at you when you asked her out starts to feel a slight pang of regret that she keeps your friended on FB but hey, those were some sweet-ass fireworks. You fucking stopped reading this in a yelling voice, didn't you. Goddamnit, you had one fucking job.

NO IT'S FINE, I'LL HOLD DOWN THE SHIFT KEY MORE. NO I'M NOT MAD, JUST DISAPPOINTED.

JUST KIDDING! I'M ALSO MAD -- MAD FOR THESE SWEET-ASS BG SHIRTS AND HATS THAT YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE FOR NOT BUYING. AND NOT A COOL ASSHOLE, LIKE THE KIND THAT SHOULDERS YOU OUT OF THE WAY AND SAYS "Sorry, pal" AND THEN LIGHTS A CIGARETTE AND BLOWS THE SMOKE RIGHT IN YOUR FACE, BUT AN ACTUAL ASSHOLE, LIKE THE GUY WHO KEEPS CREEPIN' HIS FUCKING CART INTO YOUR SPACE WHILE YOU'RE WAITING IN LINE AT THE GROCERY STORE AS IF CROWDING YOUR SHIT IS GOING TO MAKE THE OTHER ACTUAL ASSHOLE WITH A BUNCH OF COUPONS AND PAYING BY CHEQUE**** GO FASTER. THAT KIND OF AN ASSHOLE. THE SHITTY KIND.

IN CONCLUSION, NOT BUYING THESE FUCKIN' AWESOME BG SHIRTS AND HATS MEANS YOU ARE IN FACT A FARTY BABY.

LOVE,
ME

P.S. haha I almost forgot to mention where you could buy these shit-punching BG SHIRTS AND HATS!! haha you can click >>> HERE <<< that's the power of the keyblade !!


_______


*Though let's be honest that would kind of be awesome, in a stupid 'retro-ironic' way. Seriously, people wore their pants and underpants and shirts and hats backwards for a month or so because of a song. Look, it was the early '90s, shit was different. I know you kids love your dubs and your iPhone minis, but back in the early '90s we were fucking serious about the JC Penney catalogue. For some it was their only source of porn, and others the only thing that kept them in Jordache jeans with french-rolled cuffs. It was a wasteland of neon pinks and wet-look perms and acid-wash denim. And you kids are trying to bring that shit back! Seriously, look upon the mistakes of the past. Look at teased bangs. Like father, like son: think about it, won't you?

**Seems legit.

***I have absolutely no idea about skateboarding, fyi. I just made shit up, and you read it! THAT'S THE POWER OF BG SHIRTS AND HATS. Or words. One of those things.

****Fite me.

Comments

  1. 6souls -
    6souls's Avatar
    I'd buy a BG Keyblade.
  2. Abandon -
    Abandon's Avatar
    Auntie doesn't disappoint, as usual.