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Kalmado

For the first time in a LONG time

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I have went a full 24 hours without having a drop of alcohol. I woke up today with a feeling not of accomplishment but more like this isn't as bad as I thought it would be. However, I have to give an assist to my going on sixth day head cold.

I've always like to drink and party. Besides an incredible stretch of making new friends and clubbing five nights a week from 2002-2004, I haven't been excessive since. Never drank to escape life. Alcohol has (still) never caused a life altering event where I've lost a friend or family, lost a job, or lost my life to alcohol. In 2012 I was introduced to craft beer. Life altering.

I've never been a beer guy necessarily. Maybe one or two Coors after work, but never say having a beer during dinner or when watching sports I have a beer next to me. When having my first true craft beer, Founders Dirty Bastard Scotch Ale (8.5% ABV) I was blown away. I never had anything like it and after two I was feeling it. After some time craft beer turned into basically a hobby. Every time I saw something I hadn't had it was a must to buy it. I learned I was a lover of stouts, porters, and Belgium Tripels. I wasn't keen on IPA or sours. More breweries started opening in my area. It was a blast to try new beers with friends and my wife and we always had a great time.

My job I liked started turning into just another job. Eventually, it turned into a place I dreaded. A person without anxiety would flourish at this place, but my mind started caving in on me every day when a "thing" would occur. I tried so hard to be positive and be the best me but it wasn't enough. Was told verbatim by my direct manager, "Quit acting so happy. No one is this happy." 8:30AM-5PM was rough, but after that I loved my life and my wife and I were never happier.

On October 30th 2014 was a day that I'll never forget. The only time I've ever been fired from a job. Reason? Clients would contact me through Gmail instead of Outlook. Yes. I am not kidding. I was fired for that. Never been disciplined for anything before. I took my 12 months unemployment checks with a smile. However, I also became bored and when searching for a new job, depressed. I started drinking more than usual.

My wife and I decided to move near her family and we both got new jobs. My job wasn't good, so I kept searching and received a role working from home for Enterprise Car Rental setting appointments. I lasted all of six months and that job skyrocketed my anxiety. My (stupid) answer to the stress and anxiety was to drink more. I was up to a six pack or more of craft beer a night. I started packing on the weight too. Lord knows craft beers are calorie bombs. We eventually moved back to our home and I eventually got back into insurance.

It's been almost a year since getting back into insurance but the drinking hasn't stopped. After the first few months at the new job I found myself drinking heavily. I recognized how bad it was getting and decided to set an appointment with the behavioral health department of my healthcare system. After two great sessions where I explained my greatest fear of stopping drinking is seizures I was prescribed gabapentin and my Paxil was upped 10mg.

I've had days where I've drank less and days where I've done bad. This last two weeks has been good keeping it around 4-5 drinks a night from anywhere from 6-12. Tuesday I started feeling a head cold. Wednesday I was a wreck and only had two drinks. Last night I said screw it and took a gabapentin right before bed and had zero drinks. I literally cannot remember the first time I've went a full 24 hours without a drink. For the first time in awhile I woke up not feeling like I had been in a street fight.

I'm currently a functioning alcoholic but am not a lifetime alcoholic. Right now I'm more scared of withdraw than the drinking. I love having drinks with friends and having a good time, but what I'm doing now I hate. I can't wait to get back to "normal". I have a ton of video games I need to catch up on! I was also thinking of doing a Youtube channel of just myself talking and also doing my opinions on games and also PC hardware. I feel like in a way it would cathartic to just talk and get my thoughts out of my head. I have to finish my storage PC set up before doing anything Youtube. If I feel up to it this weekend that's on the to do list.

A big thanks to all on BG that I've chatted with and we've shared our thoughts in the AA thread. Baby steps.

Comments

  1. Brill Weave -
    Brill Weave's Avatar
    You can do it. Big thing to remember. Do NOT dwell on the past. That shit is a one way ticket back to a bottle. And don't ever think you can't fall back into it either. After nearly 10 years sober I fell off the wagon for about a year and kept it hidden the whole time before my buddy finally picked up on what happened and called me out. Now I'm back to another 4 years sober. Point being, this shit is tough. And it will be a lifelong battle. First steps are the hardest and you've already got them out of the way. Hit me up if you need anything.
  2. Kalmado -
    Kalmado's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by Brill Weave
    You can do it. Big thing to remember. Do NOT dwell on the past. That shit is a one way ticket back to a bottle. And don't ever think you can't fall back into it either. After nearly 10 years sober I fell off the wagon for about a year and kept it hidden the whole time before my buddy finally picked up on what happened and called me out. Now I'm back to another 4 years sober. Point being, this shit is tough. And it will be a lifelong battle. First steps are the hardest and you've already got them out of the way. Hit me up if you need anything.
    Late to the reply but thanks for your words. I am heavily considering going to a hypnotherapist in regards to my anxiety but the alcoholism would be addressed too.

    The big thing for me is the anxiety. When I have a a bad day at work, which is semi frequent because we get yelled at a lot, the easy route is to get drunk so my mind isn't going a million miles a second. I can space out while watching sports or playing a simple game like poker with a movie on or something. The answer is to change professions but we're not in a place financially to do that yet. In a year and a half we will be once my wife is finished with her RN degree.

    I know what needs to be done. It's the doing, and it's not as simple as many people would think. But I do have a good support system and even online dudes like you who get it. Just reading words on a forum sometimes can be so helpful.