Order of the Blue Gartr - Blogs - Kalmado

I love gaming, I think?

Kalmado — Wed, 12 Jun 2019 13:05:55 GMT

A friend stopped over last night and we were talking about gaming. I gifted him Dark Souls 3 so we could co-op. I asked him how it was going and he said he's just not in front of the tv/pc like that anymore. Also, Iudex Gundyr smoked him! It got me thinking about myself and my gaming habits. Ever since I stopped being a daily FFXI player back in 2011 I've had trouble finding games that really grip me. Games that I can't wait to get home from work just so I can play it. And while chatting with my friend last night I think I may have found a small reason as to why.

First lets talk about my time after FFXI. I quit because in a way I was miserable and also to be blunt idiots were still buying accounts and I wasn't making shit as a brand new insurance sales guy. So I said screw it and sold the account. I had my 360 and had bought enough games in the past to keep gaming. And once I started making some money I bought a PS3, played the exclusives there, and got hooked big time on The Last of Us. In 2013 I was at a much higher paying insurance gig and decided to make the jump to PC gaming. I built my first gaming PC and it was off to the races. The first two games that got me were Skyrim (the mods!!!!!) and Bioshock Infinite. I was so amazed at how much better they looked and my brain about exploded seeing full time 60 FPS. And then I was loving how much cheaper the games were! We'll get back to that.

So from 2014-2016 I was loving my new PC, and also constantly rebuilding and upgrading it. I did buy a PS4 for the exclusives and that has seen its fair share of gaming. We had some life stuff happen and to be candid I was in a very bad place mentally from late 2016 to really just now, and I'm still not out of it fully. I could make a huge post on it's own about the insurance job I worked from 06/01/2017 to 05/17/2019. Shout out to Starby for suggesting The Body Keeps The Score to read. Only 15 pages in but I can already see the worth this book will have for myself. But yeah, just wasn't really gaming anymore. I did create a new FFXI account and did that for awhile because I needed something that I could enjoy and with how easy current XI is and how solo friendly it is I just needed that. Once I got to the point where if I wanted to progress gear/content wise I needed to be in a good size group I quit. Why? I've realized I hate doing co-op content.

Before returning to XI I had played some multiplayer online games. I mean, just about every game has some online multiplayer mode it seems like. And I was a hardcore Call of Duty 4 player. The first multiplayer game I tried on PC that required me to be on a squad was Tom Clancy's Rainbow Six Siege. I loved Rainbow Six Three on the original Xbox so I was pumped to play this. Loved the tutorial mode and was looking forward to playing matches. I'm a level one and I'm put on a squad with experienced people. Match starts and I have no idea what I'm doing. There is bickering going on but I'm just trying to find my way. I get shot at. I shoot back. I run around. Next thing I know I'm the last one on my squad getting hunted down by two people. And then the yelling starts. No, the screaming starts. This guy is going ballistic and it's about how I'm playing. I eventually die and he just doesn't stop. And it's all the things you would just assume he's yelling about. Basically I suck and I should kill myself. The words do not bother me at all. It's the wild fact that this is how people act in gaming. Found the same in some other online games so I didn't bother with them. Downloaded Apex Legends and the first match as soon as audio is live it's nothing but a guy screaming making weird scream noises. I just quit out. Oh, and the very first bit of XI newer group content I attempted was Dynamis [D] where SNK was just trying to help me out. I hadn't read the requirements so this was done in a hurry and I didn't have something to enter. A guy in the alliance was not pleased and let it be known how I'm wasting everyone's time, I should stick to doing noob things, etc etc. All because I took up literally two minutes to get the KI. I just said fuck it and quit out after we entered because even after the leaders told the guy to shut up he kept going on. That's the last time I've done anything in a group.

So what do I play now? Well, I play a ton of MLB The Show 2016! Let's be fair here, it is baseball season and baseball is my favorite sport. I'm going to win the triple crown! I had bought Red Dead 2. I find it boring. Horizon Zero is neat but so far forgettable. Was jamming with Mafia 3, until the "story" was me doing the same mission essentially for ten hours straight. The last game I played from start to finish and really enjoyed it was Yakuza 0. Fun fighting, good story, kept me wanting to come back. As of now the latest game I've tried is The Surge and it's fun, I guess?

Oh, so back to that thing about PC gaming and sales. Over the last 5 1/2 years roughly I've amassed 42 Uplay games, 40 EA Origin games, 46 GoG games, 6 Epic Launcher games, 37 Twitch Launcher games, and 830 steam games. Now some of these games are duplicates across launchers. For instance GoG will give you certain games for free if you own it on Steam (see S.T.A.L.K.E.R.). But for math's sake the addition tells me I own 1001 PC games. I also have PS1/2/3 games downloaded or ripped for emulation. Because of how frequent PC games go on sale, bundles, and also frequent free offerings of games (and great games at that) it's easy to amass a huge catalog of games.

Something that does go hand in hand with PC gaming is having the hardware to run games. Oh, and you gotta have storage for all those games! Over the years I've rebuilt but I've settled on a build since late 2017 and it's serving me very well. I have a PC that can run 1440P on mostly high at 50+ FPS and even 120+ FPS depending on the title. Oh, and I spent the dough to see if the 144hz hype is real. It is. 1440p 144hz > 4K any day. This is after having a 4K monitor for over a year. I currently have 2x240 GB SSD storage with one dedicated for games. I have 19 TB of mechanical drive storage. That's between four drives with two of them going four years strong. I bought two large capacity drives in the past two years because of sales and I wanted to have that freedom to download damn near everything so if I felt like playing a game I wouldn't have to wait.

As my friend and I are talking last night I thought maybe I'm like him. I'm just not like that (gaming) anymore. I opened my Steam account and I have so many untouched or barely played games that are considered classics, must play, etc. I look at my list of games and all I see is words. I said to my friend I feel like I've spoiled myself buying all these games just because they were cheap and now I'm in a way overwhelmed with options. I thought of back in the day before having internet and no TV. The only way to find out about games being released were magazines, TV, or word of mouth. I frequently would go to Best Buy just to window shop the shelves. One day after work I went and I saw Max Payne 2 and was about jumping out of my skin with excitement! Back then I was budgeting literally to the dollar every week but I didn't care. I'd make things work because I had to have this game. The anticipation of opening the game to read the instruction manual was pushing my foot hard on the gas. I don't even know how many times I played that game and yes I do have it for PC now. I can't recall the last game I felt like that for and I have a feeling of why.

It's a few things but for myself I think it's everything being so accessible and also how it seems like every AAA game nowadays is touted as being the next greatest thing ever. Oh, and a huge reason, no it's the main reason I rarely if ever buy a game at launch is DLC. I hate DLC with a passion. To clarify, planned DLC. I miss the times where the game on the shelf was the game you bought. That's it. But I digress. We now have streamers to check out games and Youtube to get hours and hours of pre-release post, and continuous coverage of games. I feel spoiled. I don't feel hype anymore. The last time I felt hype was waiting for Dark Souls 3 with season pass to go on sale because I knew I'd love it, and to this day it's my most played game on Steam. Do any of you remember going to work, class, party, etc and someone says, "Hey, have you checked out yet? It's amazing you gotta check it out!" We don't even really need that anymore because all we gotta do is search google, YT, Twitch, etc and we'll get a million takes on it.

So yeah, I sit in front of my PC that I love with all the games and yet I have no idea to play. My buddy asked if I had a mic. I do. He said we should record and he'll do commentary because he's a stupid idiot in a fun way (at least to us) and it will give us something new and fun to do. That will be good for a day out of the week, maybe. So how about the rest? I am friends with fellow BG'ers on Steam and Uplay. I've never connected online with anyone though. I haven't connected with Discord really and I don't know if people do set up game nights with each other here. I'd for sure be open to that because I can't imagine I'd get the same nonsense I got from other multiplayer games. I feel I owe it to my catalog and to not have spent all of this money and effort for these games to just be words in a list.

I think I'm in the middle of a Catfish

Kalmado — Mon, 13 Aug 2018 14:55:47 GMT

OK so it's 2018 and people being lying turds online is nothing new as we all know. But this situation got my wheels turning and I felt like talking about it. First, a little backstory about myself and the internet.

I'm 37 and my first online experience was the free AOL floppy disc on a X386 PC my uncle gave us (I think) when I was 17. It didn't work out. When I was 19 and living with my sister we had internet and about all I knew was Napster, Limewire, and not much else. I didn't own my own PC until I was 25. I purchased a Gateway laptop and started playing FFXI. The first forum I ever visited was Alkazam or however you spell it. It was then that I learned about trolling.

While online I've always just been me. I try to be helpful and honest and have no problem admitting when I'm wrong. When learning about FFXI and reading forums I got heavily invested in the Thief discussion on Zam. It was there I would get trolled into heated discussions and I learned about how people argue on purpose just to get a rise out of someone. This was confusing to me and I ended up not returning to that board.

Fast forward a few years where I find BG and understand internet socializing a little more and understand to not take things so serious. Fast forward to now and I also use Reddit for info and entertainment which has led me to the Catfish. I joined a subreddit for people that work in the insurance industry for info, discussion, and stories. Some of us form a chat because we're all in Michigan so we understand our laws and the troubles we face regarding auto insurance. I connect specifically with two people, one whom I chat with daily about work and b.s.. The other is the catfish we believe and they have left the chat but have been replaced with their coworker.

Instead of boring with details I'll sum things up as short as I can. The "girl" and her coworker say they both work for the same company as me. Well, I can't find the girl but I can find the guy. The girl is not found via the Department of Financial Services where anyone with an insurance license would be found. Numerous of the same likes, dislikes, and problems are near synonymous between the guy and girl. With more detective work this "girl" does not seem to exist but numerous stories the girl has said can be seen with the guy.

The obvious question is, why? Yes in the end it doesn't matter but it still gets my mind going. What happens to make a grown man create an alter female online persona to interact with others when the discussion is about work mostly is what goes through my mind. It also reminded me of what happened to a girl I used to date a lifetime ago.

I met Lisa in Canada when clubbing was popular in the early 00's. She also lived in Michigan and we'd talk on the phone and went on a few dates. We never became official and I met someone else. She ended up in the military. My friend Greg kept in touch with her as we were all mutual friends. In 2010 I was hanging out with Greg and he tells me I'm not going to believe what happened to Lisa. After her tour she met a guy and they got married. She had a kid with him and all seemed fine. One day he forgot to log out of a page and Lisa pulled it up. Her husband had been pretending to be a teenage girl online and was having online hookups with what appeared to be grown men. She got a divorce.

I've never known a true sociopath in my life. From everything I've read about the catfish is they share many similar traits as a sociopath. Many times people create this alter ego to fulfill something they are missing in life. Maybe it's looks or a lack of self confidence. Or maybe they just like manipulating people or feeling a sense of power. But with the anonymity the internet affords us it could be anything. Whatever the reason the catfish uses it confuses me why they would spend so much time and energy into such a project when if they invested that into themselves they could achieve greatness.

Or, maybe people are just shitheads.

For the first time in a LONG time

Kalmado — Fri, 04 May 2018 15:27:10 GMT

I have went a full 24 hours without having a drop of alcohol. I woke up today with a feeling not of accomplishment but more like this isn't as bad as I thought it would be. However, I have to give an assist to my going on sixth day head cold.

I've always like to drink and party. Besides an incredible stretch of making new friends and clubbing five nights a week from 2002-2004, I haven't been excessive since. Never drank to escape life. Alcohol has (still) never caused a life altering event where I've lost a friend or family, lost a job, or lost my life to alcohol. In 2012 I was introduced to craft beer. Life altering.

I've never been a beer guy necessarily. Maybe one or two Coors after work, but never say having a beer during dinner or when watching sports I have a beer next to me. When having my first true craft beer, Founders Dirty Bastard Scotch Ale (8.5% ABV) I was blown away. I never had anything like it and after two I was feeling it. After some time craft beer turned into basically a hobby. Every time I saw something I hadn't had it was a must to buy it. I learned I was a lover of stouts, porters, and Belgium Tripels. I wasn't keen on IPA or sours. More breweries started opening in my area. It was a blast to try new beers with friends and my wife and we always had a great time.

My job I liked started turning into just another job. Eventually, it turned into a place I dreaded. A person without anxiety would flourish at this place, but my mind started caving in on me every day when a "thing" would occur. I tried so hard to be positive and be the best me but it wasn't enough. Was told verbatim by my direct manager, "Quit acting so happy. No one is this happy." 8:30AM-5PM was rough, but after that I loved my life and my wife and I were never happier.

On October 30th 2014 was a day that I'll never forget. The only time I've ever been fired from a job. Reason? Clients would contact me through Gmail instead of Outlook. Yes. I am not kidding. I was fired for that. Never been disciplined for anything before. I took my 12 months unemployment checks with a smile. However, I also became bored and when searching for a new job, depressed. I started drinking more than usual.

My wife and I decided to move near her family and we both got new jobs. My job wasn't good, so I kept searching and received a role working from home for Enterprise Car Rental setting appointments. I lasted all of six months and that job skyrocketed my anxiety. My (stupid) answer to the stress and anxiety was to drink more. I was up to a six pack or more of craft beer a night. I started packing on the weight too. Lord knows craft beers are calorie bombs. We eventually moved back to our home and I eventually got back into insurance.

It's been almost a year since getting back into insurance but the drinking hasn't stopped. After the first few months at the new job I found myself drinking heavily. I recognized how bad it was getting and decided to set an appointment with the behavioral health department of my healthcare system. After two great sessions where I explained my greatest fear of stopping drinking is seizures I was prescribed gabapentin and my Paxil was upped 10mg.

I've had days where I've drank less and days where I've done bad. This last two weeks has been good keeping it around 4-5 drinks a night from anywhere from 6-12. Tuesday I started feeling a head cold. Wednesday I was a wreck and only had two drinks. Last night I said screw it and took a gabapentin right before bed and had zero drinks. I literally cannot remember the first time I've went a full 24 hours without a drink. For the first time in awhile I woke up not feeling like I had been in a street fight.

I'm currently a functioning alcoholic but am not a lifetime alcoholic. Right now I'm more scared of withdraw than the drinking. I love having drinks with friends and having a good time, but what I'm doing now I hate. I can't wait to get back to "normal". I have a ton of video games I need to catch up on! I was also thinking of doing a Youtube channel of just myself talking and also doing my opinions on games and also PC hardware. I feel like in a way it would cathartic to just talk and get my thoughts out of my head. I have to finish my storage PC set up before doing anything Youtube. If I feel up to it this weekend that's on the to do list.

A big thanks to all on BG that I've chatted with and we've shared our thoughts in the AA thread. Baby steps.

You think you know but you know nothing

Kalmado — Tue, 05 Dec 2017 18:09:52 GMT

Yesterday was a surprisingly hard day due to an unexpected event which has compelled me to do my first ever blog post. First it is best to tell about some past. I did not have a swell childhood and like many my parents divorced. I was around 13. I grew up thinking my father was a monster and my mother would confirm as much telling me stories throughout the years of how he was a terrible person. My relationship with my father ended when I was 14.

I went through my twenties being an angry person and struggled with just about anything because I was told that I just needed to grow up and/or needed to stop being mad about the past (at 31 I was clinically diagnosed with anxiety and PTSD). I had a steady girlfriend but struggled with attending holidays and family stuff with her due to my past. Throughout this time I started learning more about my mother and how it was becoming more apparent she loved being a victim and how everyone is out to get her.

After meeting my wife (of now six years) she has helped me with my anxiety, talking about my past, and moving forward with managing anxiety. Together we've learned that my mother has been a huge part of my anxiety. To give some examples, I've been ridiculed by choosing a filipino wife (but she suggested me meeting a "nice Cuban" when I lived in FL), wishing my wife's mother was mine because she bought us some house stuff when we moved into our first house together, ridiculed us for buying a nice TV (must be nice to buy fancy things), and openly favoring my sister as the superior child.

I never wanted to look at my mother as being bad because I remember her making sure I was on time for sports, letting me get the expensive basketball shoes even though we lived in a shitty apartment, etc. Over time I noticed how her memories about things and mine were two different things. One very specific was I asked about a health condition I knew for fact my father had and she outright denied it. Many red flags appeared. The straw broke the Kalmado's back when we had an argument akin to her stating the sky is green. It's been 3 1/2 years since we've talked.

I work in sales and many people as me if I'm related to so and so because of a slightly different but somewhat common last name. Yesterday a guy comes in for a quote and at the end I give him my business card. He looks at it and says, "You're father is Greg. I know you." From there he went on to explain he's known my father's family since they were in kindergarten and he knew my dad up until he died. He let me know how my father and him attended my high school baseball games without my knowledge, how my father was very misunderstood, and how my mother was having an affair with a man who worked at the prison (I didn't meet said man until months after we moved out). He ended the conversation stating if I ever wanted to learn more about the past and how things really were he'd be more than happy to have coffee.

This really rocked my world as one could imagine. Just how much of what I've been told in life has been a lie? What was my father really like since we last spoke 24 years ago? I decided to put off the pondering and drowned my thoughts with whiskey. Sitting at work I think to myself if I should leave the past as is or open the box. I'm not sure what I want but everything happens for a reason and of all the insurance offices in my city this man enters mine and gets me out of three people to quote.