• Navigation
View RSS Feed



Rating: 8 votes, 4.00 average.
Since BG has opened the floodgates with this new-fangled blog thinger, I've noticed a disturbing trend. While the blog entries have been both entertaining and informative, an important demographic has been entirely ignored: me. All these game reviews and whatnot are great and all, but really, how is the audience supposed to make an informed judgment on a thing if they don't know if Isladar would like it? More importantly, does Isladar like it? We can't let this shit be subjective. We can't write an entire blog in the royal plural either, so it's up to me to talk about me, and shit that I like.

Therefore, it is with great pleasure and liberal use of made-up words that I present to you, the unwashed masses, what will hopefully be the first in a series:

Much deliberation was to be had in deciding what to title this already-classic literary work. "But Isla," you say, using the familiar in a crass attempt to look cool. "You could call this shit anything and mouthbreathers would eat it up!" TRUE. And yet, unnamed you-person, I wasn't about to put my hallowed name to something unless the very heavens rang out with its awesomeness. Even perfection has to be selective. Though I'm not going to lie, I did consider just calling it 'POTATO' and being done with it. Some other runner-ups included: OBFUSCOUS HETERODOX RUMINATIONS (which I'm going to reserve for my upcoming side project that fuses Norwegian proto-Celtic symphonic death post-metal with Appalachian washboard-electronica and samples of Belgian dudes humping dishwashers), and.. Okay this was pretty much my only idea. Write what you know, and all that.

Shut up, that's why. ON TO SHIT I LIKE THAT IS GREAT.


Games with local co-op have become a dying breed. Which is fucking stupid. While having the ability to call people a weasel-butterer over the internet is a fantastic development for our cultural milieu (that's French for possibilities), I need to be able to call someone a weasel-butterer and punch them, and as of yet you can't do that on the internets. Some digital revolution this is. Unfortunately, if you want to be able to punch a jerk while playing video games, you had better enjoy punchfiting, or Army of Butts or Halo Butts or Gears of Butts, because that's fucking it. Doing a spinning lariat with Armor King is one of life's greatest pleasures, but playing SHOOT DUDE 7: THE SHOOTENING is for ladies and grandpas, and eh, I think you know it.

To amend this, my designated punch-target and I have scoured, like, three whole different shops looking for local co-op games, and I've outlined the experience below:

  • Is this game stupid? It looks kind of stupid.
  • What the fuck is this shit.
  • Hey look, Viva Pinata. You can water my plants while I make all Fudgehogs!!
  • Okay fine we won't get Viva Pinata.
  • This is dumb. I'm hungry.

Finally, however, we alighted upon what is, without exception, the greatest game of all games of all times that there have been games. LADIES AND GENTLEMANGS:

This game was made like a hojillion years ago, but you know what? Fuck you, it is awesome. It was made by the same jerks that made some games about some Chinese dudes or Gundams or whatever, but that is totally immaterial, because this shit has hot samurais. FUCKING TRUMPED. For those of you unfamiliar with the game play and storyline of this fucking incredible game, let me elucidate this shit so you can check yourself, lest you in fact wreck yourself. In SAMURAI WARRIORS 2, you choose from a puppy mill of hot samurais, and then you kill fucking everything. Not convinced? Here, you cryptohipster douche-monger:


LOOK AT THIS MOTHERFUCKER. He isn't afraid to rock some fucking feathers and take the fuck over feudal fuckin' Japan. Do you know why? Because he is fucking awesome. This is Nobunaga Oda, and his moves include: pressing X to win, pressing X and then throwing in a Y every once in awhile for some variety, and waiting until a bar fills up until you press A and win the game. To be fair, this is the general strategy for pretty much every character in the game, but "not playing Nobunaga" is kind of a dumb strategy.

This is not Nobunaga Oda. This illustrates another failing tactic: not being on a fucking horse. Seriously. Get a horse. Mill through dudes. It's heaven.

There are approximately ninety-twelve thousand other characters to choose from, all of which exhibit varying degrees of being "okay compared to Nobunaga", which can be fun to explore if you like slumming. Not every character is some kind of Isla-fap material, either. There are a handful of chicks, two of which are lady samurais, which is tolerable, one is a stupid ninja who is stupid above and beyond being a ninja, if you can imagine, and one is some kind of horrible shojo heroine whose weapon is a goddamn cup and ball. I am not kidding. A fucking wooden cup with a ball on a string that you see poor Victorian kids playing with in period movies about shitty children's toys. SPOILER: SHE'S STUPID. There are also a couple ugly characters, if that's your thing, and some ninjas, if you were beaten about the head as a child and think being able to use stupid ninja-only paths to get around the battlefield can make up for the fact that you're not playing a goddamn samurai.

The only downside to this game is the voice acting. Since this game was made before weeaboos ruined everything you love, there is no option to use the probably-superior Japanese voices. For most characters, this isn't an issue, but for some incredibly hilarious exceptions. Most of these exceptions will only illicit the occasional groan, but this guy:
THIS FUCKING GUY. Good god. If the character design didn't tip you off, this guy sounds like the product of a SoCal surfer-dude who forcibly mated with every horribly-dubbed anime hero from the 1990s ever. Most of his lines are pretty much: "WHOAAAAAAAAAA ARE YOU LOOKING FOR A CHALLENGE?!!?! BECAUSE I AM A GUY WHO LOVES TO CHALLENGE AND FITE BECAUSE I'M CRAZY!!!" and "WHOOOOAAA!! HONOR IS FOR STUFFED SHIRTS, TIME TO GET REAL AND/OR EXTREEEEEEEME." Fuck that guy.

All in all, I'm great and I like SAMURAI WARRIORS 2, which automatically makes it great as well.


I figured since there are occasionally some great threads on BG, they should be included here, since this is the Home of Great. The Great Home. The Isladar Society of All Things Great and Also Great. Whatever. I'm still trying to figure out if we can short-form the blog title to IAGABETTILAAG. Ee-ah-gah-betty-lag. It could work.

The Official Forums II: Out Here Grindin': SE's official FFXI forums are live, and this is the only place where BGers can go to get tips on first aid for head-desk. Chock-full of more gimp/confused/wtf than all the Gimp/Confused/WTF threads combined. Also has up-to-the-minute reports on everyone's favorite crazy, Starcade!

2011 NHL Offseason Thread: Capgeek is my new homepage: My home away from home. The season may be over, but it's still the best place to watch Canadiens fans froth at the mouth over Boston winning the Stanley Cup. Some of my favorite jerks post here.

FFXI New or Returning Players Discussion: A fantastic resource for people who started working at the pants-shitting factory when they realized the level cap went up and there's this Abyssea thing or whatever.

I'd link the XI's Random Question Thread BUT Y'ALL KNOW HOW WELL THAT'S EVER WORKED. See also: Every locked thread in Advanced.

Speaking of threads, I've been bouncing around the idea of starting a Dear Auntie Isladar thread in General Discussion. A lot of the relationship/life advice threads cover the same ground ("quit being a bitch"), and I thought it might be fun to have a Dear Abby-type thread. People could PM me with issues to keep it anonymous, and I'd make up names for them like "Retarded in Raleigh" or "Beta Male for Life" and tell them to quit being a bitch. What do you think? I mean, I know it's a great idea, since, like, it's my idea, but let's keep up the illusion of an open discussion for a little longer, hmm?



Funfact: BGblogs evidently won't embed videos, so I posts that video in IAS, screenshotted the post, posted that screenshot here, and made it link to youtube. I am fucking awesome.


So long, jerks!


  1. Sonomaa -
    Sonomaa's Avatar
    unbumping my review! clever girl
  2. isladar -
    isladar's Avatar
  3. Aksannyi -
    Aksannyi's Avatar
    I would love an Isla version of Dear Abby, fuck yes, do this please.

    (Also, thanks to the facebook page, this is the first blog I even noticed)
  4. Melena -
    Melena's Avatar
    I smell potential with Auntie Isladar.
  5. Defconnexion -
    Defconnexion's Avatar
    Can Nobunaga Oda possibly defeat Wolverine and, since he cannot, why should I not just play the Wolverine game and just make the other person I am apparently with since the premise of this review has to do with playing a coop that is not Fudgehog Farm just watch me carve up Sentinels with my Adamantium Rage and realtime battledamage wifebeater?
  6. isladar -
    isladar's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by Defconnexion
    Can Nobunaga Oda possibly defeat Wolverine and, since he cannot, why should I not just play the Wolverine game and just make the other person I am apparently with since the premise of this review has to do with playing a coop that is not Fudgehog Farm just watch me carve up Sentinels with my Adamantium Rage and realtime battledamage wifebeater?
    See you actually have to get the expansion disc (AVAILABLE ON XBL, TOTALLY PURCHASING THIS WEEKEND) to make it SAMURAI WARRIORS 2: XTREME XMEN LEGEND TASTY RICEBALL edition, at which point you can level Nobunaga up to 70 and then you learn that Nobunaga is, in fact, Wolverine's dad.

    His DAD.
  7. Defconnexion -
    Defconnexion's Avatar
    His real dad?
  8. isladar -
    isladar's Avatar
    The realest of real dads.
  9. Aksannyi -
    Aksannyi's Avatar
    Search your feelings, you know it to be true.
  10. Defconnexion -
    Defconnexion's Avatar
    Lightsaber Samurai Wolverine Saga 3: Revenge of Phantom Sabertooth
  11. Mizango -
    Mizango's Avatar
    I love you too auntie fuhrer <3
  12. Derock -
    Derock's Avatar
    What the shit is this hell