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Rating: 7 votes, 4.86 average.
As you've likely already ascertained from the harpsichord janglin' in the background, it is time for another edition of MASTERPIECE ISLADAR, wherein I shall constructionate words with other words and make a thing for you to read. Gather 'round, little potatoes, pour yourself a snifter of grown-up juice, and prepare for the aforementioned, but now about to be actually-mentioned, word parts...

It is unfortunate that while being an administrator for BlueGartr affords me privileges far beyond mortal ken, I am, on occasion, required to face a horrifying reality: there is a means for people to send me private messages, and worse, they sometimes do. These messages run a gamut from inane to OH FOR FUCKS' SAKE, and it is with pleasure that I will present to you, dear mouthbreathers, a hand-picked selection of fucktardation from my meticulously-catalogued records. I have, of course, expunged any identifying marks from these missives, but if by some manner you recognize something you've written, please be assured that you are being posted here only because you are frightfully retarded.

[Note: The vast majority of the messages I receive from users are lovely. Most of you jerks are actually very polite and decently articulate, and I hope I can always help with whatever question or concern I'm presented. Obviously none of those messages are remotely amusing, so fuck that, on with the crazies.]

There are two broad categories of what-the-fuck-crazy: responses to infractions, then shit that comes up out of nowhere with no context whatsoever. As an introduction to the former, I will assume that my readers have never received an infraction. Oh god, oh god, hold up, I can't keep a straight face. Hold up. Okay. All right. So. When a moderator or administrator sees a post that defies, despite all of our blood, sweat, and fists, the rules and guidelines of the forum, we have a magic button that pulls up a magic form. Once we have filled out this magic form, usually with a love-note to whomever so cruelly defiled our precious utopia, a few things happen at once: a report is generated in the secrety-secret moderator forums, the infraction points are assigned to the user (with an accompanying posting lock out, if applicable), and, most relevant to our discussion today, a private message is sent to the user. A private message that seems to have mystical, unexplained powers of making people lose their shit.

Responses to Infractions

If you want to ban methats cool this is a useless piece of shit site anyhow
Ah! One of the most popular reactions. The above illustrates users who are so utterly unaffected they are compelled to inform you how much 'whatever' the infraction has engendered in them, and let me tell you, it's a lot. These sorts of messages always make me do that one-side-of-the-mouth quirk before I go back to refreshing the hackey thread, since, like, if you don't like it here, dude, then uh.. why.. are you.. um.. Yeah.

I've seen worse
The "But so-and-so is" defense! This is an offshoot of certain derails that afflict GD threads: "I don't know how you can be mad about [x], when [y] is just as bad". I can't think of a single circumstance in any situation where "Yeah well I'm not as bad as [x]" has ever been an acceptable defense to poor decisions. These types of responses are usually chalk-full of other flavors of mad, and as a rule as soon as I see a comparative like that I let my eyes glaze over and go check the Random Image Thread.

give yourself a favor, fuck you
I don't know if these are two different imperatives or what. If I fold the laundry, am I giving myself a favor? Because that seems like a lot of work. Like, the 'fuck you' part I'm pretty clear on. I'm on the same page as this guy, but if anyone can help me figure out how to give myself a favor, I'd appreciate it.

I'm a bit confused on how rational you are
The indignant intellectual. In this same vein I've also received offers of therapeutic counseling. Not like, give yourself a favor and get counseling, but like, "you seem mentally imbalanced for daring to give me an infraction, I'm genuinely concerned, do you want to talk about it?" Sometimes.. sometimes I do want to talk about it. Then I punch a baby and infract more jackasses.

wtf what is this minus 50 points didnt even know this had that tho it really doesnt matter to me?
Insert meme here. You know which one. I love this guy. This guy is fucking great. This guy starts off with a question, veers straight into woogily-jumbles, left-turns into "whatever, I don't even care" territory, then remembers at the end that he was asking a question. Always wear your seat belt, kids. The absolute best part about this response was that when I got the pop-up notification of the private message I had no fucking clue what this guy was referring to. Usually, if people are going to bitch, they respond in a few hours and at most within a few days. This dude was responding to an infraction from six months' previous, tho it really doesnt matter to me?

The 'What the Damn Hell Crap' Messages

These beauties are the ones that come with no warning. They wait in my inbox, often with innocuous titles like "Hi" and "Isladar", but what lies within defies all logic, reason, and probably some parts of the Geneva Convention. These aren't the ones where people assume I know what the fuck they're talking about when they ask me to move "the thread" and don't link me to anything, these are messages from people who truly don't understand that I cannot, in fact, read their goddamn minds. These are messages that make me wonder if humanity as a collective entity is in fact doomed, and whether it is even worth it to continue in this endless Oh man I make fucking great coffee cake. Seriously. This shit is amazing. Where was I? Oh right. Retards.

where are the general talk pages? so far all ive done is look thru the media threads so ive never looked for it
That's it. That's all I've got. What the fuck is he talking about? Because right now what he's saying is that he can't find what he hasn't ever looked for. I think that's a U2 song or something. AND I STIIIIIIIIIILLLLL HAVEN'T FOOOOOOOUUUUND, WHAT I HAVEN'T LOOKED FOOOOOR.

why am i pming you

I found your website when I was searching on the Internet. Your website looks very good and professional especially on the game Fina fantasy. So I sincerely want to establish the cooperative relationship with you. My site provides virtual trading of internet business service, specializing in internet game exchange such as Final Fantasy XI cd key,gil etc.Is there any promotional items and activities you can provide for our company in your forums such as purchase Ads Placement or link on your site. I don't want to use the third party to advertise. Onece we establish the trustworthy relationship,we would like pay monthly of advertising. Thank you for taking the time to read this letter. If you are interested in this, we will be available to discuss further. If you have any other suggestion, you could email us or contact us on MSN:
Look forward to your early reply.

Look here, Tracy, I don't know what kind of website you think this is, but BlueGartr is the more COREST of CORES with regards to Fina Fantasy. We can't just go around establishing the trustworthy relationship with just any jerk who-- wait, you found us searching on the Internet? SHE'S LEGIT, GUYS! All we have to do is do lots of promotional items and activities, like Bingo or something, and Tracy and her fine establishment would like, pay monthly of advertising. I'm not sure I want to be paid in advertising, but I'll talk to the other admins, so gimme a minute.

Hi,sir.Have you received my message? I don't know if you are interested in the advertising with us,plz give me a reply,OK?

I got banned for a week and now I can't post.
That is, as my father likes to say, a true fact.

Remember in school when jerkass jerks would be all ALWAYS WRITE FOR YOUR AUDIENCE, so if you're writing for a bunch of scientists use some sciency shit and if you're writing for a bunch of mouthbreathers cuss a lot, that sort of thing? The same thing applies here. Unfortunately, giving me a single, factual statement, which requires no comment or addressing on my part, kinda, well.. fails. Unless tho it doesnt matter to him and he just forgot the question mark at the end. Then I could have said "Yes, yes you are." As it stands, this person forgot that who he was writing to doesn't give a shit!

Hiya Poof
Okay, this one actually made me mad and sadface at the same fucking time.

You are a dick sucking mother fucking asshole. I will have a word about you to sonamaa. You are a dictator and fucking peice of shit. go suck a dick.
But this one was awesome.

Well kids, that about wraps up MASTERPIECE ISLADAR. Always wear protection when PMing someone you don't know. I had way too much fun digging through crazies, and realized I never should have cleared out my inbox a few years' ago, because there were unspeakable glories hidden there. Ah well! If you want to bitch about there not being as many pictures in this entry, fuck you. If you want to bitch about there not being a Danzig video in this entry, you're probably p. all right.

The End

So long, jerks!


  1. Akiyama -
    Akiyama's Avatar

    But seriously. There were a few gems in here. I especially love the one where they post about you needing to go suck a dick. How rude!
  2. Defconnexion -
    Defconnexion's Avatar
    I want my fifty points back.
  3. Toxictaru -
    Toxictaru's Avatar
    Why indeed. I smiled? Looking forward to the next round.
  4. Purrrfect -
    Purrrfect's Avatar
    It appears you have a predisposition against people sending you random messages, would you care to talk about your feelings on the subject? No? Fine, I didn't want to post on this site anyway?

    Nice reed
  5. isladar -
    isladar's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by Purrrfect
    Nice reed
    Shit, bitch, we only employ the FINEST OF REEDS in constructing this shit.
  6. SephYuyX -
    SephYuyX's Avatar
  7. Defconnexion -
    Defconnexion's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by isladar
    Shit, bitch, we only employ the FINEST OF REEDS in constructing this shit.
    That's how you get the best sound.
  8. Sonomaa -
    Sonomaa's Avatar
    whenever I get somebody complaining about isladar, I always remind them that they are alive, and most people who face her wrath simply are not anymore.
  9. richardd -
    richardd's Avatar
    this is the 1st blog i ever read since i been on this site since 2006. and i am satisfied to say the least. moar pls
  10. Omniyoji -
    Omniyoji's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by richardd
    this is the 1st blog i ever read since i been on this site since 2006. and i am satisfied to say the least. moar pls
    DITTO! This shit is gold. I likey you ~ <3