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Abridged Patch Notes 3.1: As Goes Light, So Goes DoDo

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We are pleased to announce that the patch notes for Patch 3.1 — As Goes Light, So Goes Dodo!
Dare you to find the actual differences between the preliminary and these ones.

Patch 3.1 Notes

[3.0] New main scenario quests have been added. They involve a lalamiqote with a hoodie youll eventually get as a glamour because youll demand it and giving handies to the whiney elf guy who keeps giving you the wink.



[3.0] New Chronicles of a New Era quests have been added. The theme for these new era quests are red eyes and titty pirates.



[3.0] New side story quests have been added. They involve unlocking dungeons that we cant just give to you outright but make you get the quest, then do the dungeon, then do the other dungeon, oops, you forgot to get the quest, now do it again, except that tank quit because he didnt like your gear. Ok now you can EX roulette the same 2 dungeons for another few months.

[3.0] The sidequests required to unlock aether currents have been changed to prerequisite quests. Now you wont have to check the wiki for current information, youll always know its older info and just grind them all out.

[3.0] A Vanu Vanu settlement and corresponding beast tribe quests have been added to the Sea of Clouds.
• There is a Vanu Vanu dance.
• Yeah, you are going to do this annoying quest line for a fucking dance bitch. Suck it.
• There is an automatic level adjustment system in these questing lines. It will break, not in your favor.


[2.0][3.0] The destination marker display has been changed for Guild and Temple battlecraft patrol leves because you somehow couldnt find it on your map. Next expansion were just going to teleport you there so you can avoid the 2.0 players talking about how vanilla 2.0 was better than easy mode 4.0.


Treasure Hunts

[3.0] New item rewards have been added to the timeworn wyvern and dragonskin treasure maps. These items wont matter, all you want is the pets and the crafting material to sell for gil to buy pets.

Grand Companies

[2.0] New items have been added. The Grand Company leaders wanted to add more new things but they cant clear Alexander normal so they bought feathers off of amazon and put them up to buy.

[2.0] The number of items players would like to exchange for company seals can now be specified. Now you can click even less to buy venture tokens.

[2.0] Free Company names can now be changed. Incoming dickbutts and guilds being renamed to sound like other guilds. Also name stealing.

[2.0][3.0] New items that can be crafted for company projects have been added. That one creepy guy in your FC who has a suspicious amount of gil will still ask you to come over for private LS chat and chill. Except now his house will look like its made of cookies. He still wants to do you in the butt.


[2.0]The amount of time required to fully charge grades 1 through 3 of aetherial wheels has been shortened. Please use these more.

[2.0] Retainer summoning bells have been added to company workshops. Yes, youve been bitching about these since we added houses.

[2.0] Exploratory Voyages have been adjusted as follows: More shit to gain, more exp for your ship people. A whole bunch of other stuff that doesnt matter except for that one guy who REALLY REALLY likes the airships. He is the reason you have 4 of them at max level. Stop bitching when he begs for eight hours for three people to come complete the ships.


[2.0][3.0] New furnishings have been added. Those of you who leveled your crafts and know how to do it will now be able to make even more gil.

[2.0] A new estate vendor NPC, the steward, has been added. Now you can have a catgirl maid without glamouring that one set from valentines day.


[2.0] The number of vendor NPCs allowed in an estate has been adjusted. Now you can have a larger private harem.

[2.0] A new feature for personal housing, Estate Sharing, has been implemented. Now you can share your estate with your in game girlfriend, but still wonder why they wont skype with you, or why you cant find them on facebook, or why they wont meet you irl. BUT YOU REALLY DO LOVE THEM AND THEY ARE SUPER REALLY A GIRL.

Tenants may use the miniature aetheryte placed on the owner's estate grounds. Now you can make friends with people just to get cheaper teleport access, maybe.

[2.0] To ensure that plots of land are not claimed and left unused, estates not accessed for extended periods of time will be automatically demolished. So that one guy who hasnt logged in since Heavensward launch who loses his house and then comes back randomly. He is going to be so fucking pissed that they didnt keep the thing he wasnt paying for and missed picking his shit up, even though people told him. He is also going back to playing League full time since they dont fuck him over there except his elo got fucked up recently because of a shadowban.

[2.0] Adjustable lighting has been implemented, allowing house lighting to be set to one of five levels. Dim the lights, throw on some music, set the mood.

The Manderville Gold Saucer

[2.0] Lord of Verminion has been added to the Gold Saucer. Its basically a more complicated version of pokemon. Instead of being a straight copypaste like WoW did, we made it much more complicated and very likely less fun. Youll try to play, but that one girl in the FC, yeah, she is going to be a thousand times better than you, and she will tell you how easy it is, and when you try to ask for help, her boyfriend who is really bad at the game and doesnt treat her right, he will give you a ton of shit, and she wont be able to talk to her. She deserves better than him, she deserves you.

Getting Started

Wanna know how easy it is to play XIV Pokemon? Well look at this handy screenshot that gives you all these stats. Now finish writing your official forum post about how the pay to win cash shop players have an unfair advantage. Go ahead, make sure you spell check, you dont want to have another unfortunate incident like last time.


Minion Type
Minions are separated into four types—monster, critter, poppet, and gadget. Three types will fight at either an advantage or a disadvantage depending on the nature of their opponent. The strength and weakness affinities for monster, critter, and poppet are listed in the picture below.

None of the minions are as good as the airship minions, airships have guns. Please kill Minfilia a lot.


Minion Cost

Each minion has a summoning "cost.” This cost is lalafell blood and miqote tails. Roe dicks were also in the original cost but nobody plays Roe males.

Rank Points (RP)

LoVM uses a system based on Rank Points (RP) to determine your strength as a player. If you really get into your character and RP it super realistically or super funny, youll get extra rewards at the end.


・Player Battle (RP)
 Players can play against one another by selecting the Player Battle (RP) mode. You will be judged on how many Yu-gioh and Card Capter Sakura references you make. Hearthstone references are also acceptable, but only good ones.


This option is for tournaments and can only be accessed when a tournament is being held. This will be the best way to rank up since you can make your friends win trade you.

There is a very long and complicated explanation for how this game works, just wait for a youtube video though, since our explanation is just a wall of text.

[2.0] New minigames have been added to the Chocobo Square.

The Finer Miner

You are a hulking brute looking to touch Miners. No not that kind of minor, I said miner. Pervert.

Out on a Limb

Swing the hatchet to locate the hidden timber. Extra points if you can fell a Roe without them making a sound.

[2.0] New items can be obtained in exchange for MGP. We took the remainder of the collectors edition mounts from 2.0 and turned them into hats for you. Wear it with pride and sorrow for the beautiful creature that has been slaughtered for your fashion. Also we cooked a dodo and glued it to a hat. We might have drinking problems.


[2.0][3.0] The following adjustments have been made to Triple Triad:

New cards have been added. They are similar to the old cards, but with numbers just a little different. Were going to run out of numbers soon.

New NPC opponents for Triple Triad have been added.
* Not all NPCs will have an icon above their head. Some are secret, discard cards in front of random NPCs, if they engage you in battle, then you can get your cards back, if they dont, youll have to earn your cards again.

[3.0] The following adjustments have been made to the Heavensward sightseeing log:

New entries have been added. Also a huge orb of orbness has been added, see if you can catch it.


[3.0] The following mounts can now fly:

Ahriman / Bomb Palanquin / Logistics System / Kirin / Magitek Armor / Gilded Magitek Armor / Draught Chocobo / Ceremony Chocobo / Amber Draught Chocobo / Your Mom

Fenrir wont ever be able to fly Laysha. STOP SENDING US EMAILS, ITS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.

* The wild draught chocobo, ceremony chocobo, and amber draught chocobo can accommodate two riders whilst flying.

[2.0] It is now possible to ride mounts other than the personal chocobo while your companion is summoned. For some reason we didnt do this before, were going to blame PS3 players.

* Riding a mount will not dismiss your companion.

[2.0][3.0] New emotes have been added. Now with even more dancing and brofisting.


[2.0] Two new poses, accessed via the /changepose command, are now available when sitting on the floor. The Au Ra sit pose where it actually hurts if you try to do it IRL and the normal sitting pose of most people in the world. No you cant have male miqote sit pose, too many of you abuse the poses already.

[3.0] An aethernet has been added to Idyllshire. Its gonna grow, and we wanted to make it even more annoying to get around.

[3.0] Players may ride mounts in Idyllshire. Mammoth mounts are also being added to make your idling experience the worst possible.

* Mounts cannot fly in Idyllshire. We want them all on the ground, where they can cause the most lag.

Battle System

[2.0][3.0] The following actions have been adjusted:

Paladin: Still a worse tank than the other two.
Ninja: Still laggy as shit
Bard: We fucked this one up so bad were going to need a new expansion to fix it.
Astrologian: We should have gone with Corsair and skipped the healer, like Gary said, but NOOOOOO, Nobody listened to Gary, even though he was FUCKING RIGHT.

[2.0] To accommodate various connection speeds and latencies, the ninja abilities Ten, Chi, and Jin have been adjusted. You will still fuck it up.

[2.0][3.0] The recast time of abilities that do not trigger global cooldown cannot be reduced below 0.5 seconds through cooldown-reducing abilities. We know youve been abusing this assholes.

[2.0] The visual effect displayed while affected by Darkside can now be disabled. Sorry console players, we only tested on PCs with TITANS.

Saint Mocianne's Arboretum
This is the dungeon where its a garden and kinda creepy but also cool. There will be lots of malboros in this one. Enjoy the hentai.
Pharos Sirius (Hard)
Siriusly, stop with the puns. This one will be a tiny bit better than the normal mode version, but not much. Welcome to the new Neverreap.

[3.0] New trials have been added.

The Minstrel's Ballad: Thordan's Reign
Its like Knights of the Round from FF7 but even longer. Ten phases, eat dicks everyone, giant metal dicks.

[3.0] The Echo will now take effect in the following duties:

Thok ast Thok (Hard) / The Limitless Blue (Hard)
If you cant beat these without echo, please go play Hello Kitty Online Adventures.

Thok ast Thok (Extreme) / The Limitless Blue (Extreme)
These require a basic amount of thinking, the echo will now help you think even less.

[3.0] The alliance raid dungeon The Void Ark has been added. Insert Final Fantasy 6 references here. There is going to be a lot of them, tons and tons and tons of them. Some of you wont get these references. If you dont, please buy Final Fantasy 6 on IOS or Android! (just kidding, get an emulator, the ports were terrible but we made shit tons of cash on your nostalgia)


Level Requirement:
Can you count to potato? You can probably do this raid, just pay a tiny amount of attention and stay out of the fire.


[3.0] Exploratory missions have been added, as well as a The Diadem, a new group of islands for airship exploration.


Also join an FC if you dont want to go with random idiots.

[3.0] Enemies in the following dungeons will now yield experience points when playing as a class or job at level 50 or above:
You can now dungeon grind dusk vigil to 60 instead of doing it via fates.

[2.0] Upon completing a duty using the Undersized Party option, the log will now display how much time has elapsed since the duty commenced. Now you can speed run dungeons even more speedy, and if you dont get that one time, that guy who does nothing but speed runs will hate you forever.

[2.0][3.0] New items have been added. We only work with black, and really really dark grey.


[2.0][3.0] New recipes have been added. Look at all these pretty armors. Also afros.


[2.0] The item level of default race gear has been increased from 1 to 5. For no real reason at all.

[2.0] The following items can now be stored in the armoire: YOU DIDNT HAVE TO WAIT A FULL YEAR TO SAVE SPACE!

Goobbue Earring / Witch's Hat / Witch's Coatee / Witch's Gloves / Witch's Thighboots

[2.0] The following changes have been made to the armoire:

Items from seasonal events can now be stored in the armoire immediately after being obtained. BEST PATCH NOTES EVER AMIRITE!

[2.0] The tradable version of the following dyes has been added because people werent buying them off the cash shop:

Pure White Dye / Jet Black Dye / Metallic Silver Dye / Metallic Gold Dye / Pastel Pink Dye / Pastel Green Dye / Pastel Blue Dye / Pastel Purple Dye / Metallic Red Dye / Metallic Green Dye / Metallic Blue Dye
* The new, tradable version will have a different name.

We completely redid the crafting UI. You still suck at crafting.

[2.0][3.0]New minions have been added. We wont tell you where to get them, it might be the new dungeons, it might not be, but someone will sell the shit out of them on the AH until you give in and buy one.



[3.0] New mounts have been added. One of them is a pony with wings, we just wanted to add a new mount and do the least amount of work. Wait.. wait, we added another Dragon mount, THAT is the least amount of work.



[3.0] New chocobo barding has been added. This is why we cheesed it on the mounts, this armor took forever to build.



[2.0] A new idling camera feature has been added for players to take pictures of their characters and scenery from various angles. So find your lalas and get your upskirts going.

When doing a group pose, all parties involved (player character, party members, alliance members, chocobos, minions) will face the camera and repeat the last general or expression emote used. Dont worry, that one guy will still fuck up doing group poses or just leave early.


New retainer exploration venture levels have been added: The minions might come from here too. Enjoy those venture tokens.

[3.0] The Flying Mount Roulette has been added, enabling players to summon a flying mount at random from among the ones they own. We had added this in before but forgot to turn it on. Also we only had like three flying mounts.

The quest icons for the initial dark knight, machinist, and astrologian quests will now display on the map. We forgot why we didnt do this before.

The names of aethernet locations will display when mousing over them. Greg was lazy when making the maps, thats why we didnt do this before.

Markers for NPCs such as the lift attendant who move players between zones will now display on the map. For this, we just wanted to add more clutter.

[2.0] The following messages will no longer display during cutscenes.

Messages displayed upon the completion of a retainer venture.

Messages displayed when an item sells on the market board.

* The messages will still display in the log window.
** You will still get spammed with tells from RMTs during the cutscenes though, in fact were going to increase those.

[2.0] In an effort to curb RMT activities, the number of friend requests players can send per day (Earth time) will be limited to 5. This wont affect players who arent RMTs though, oh wait it will. We couldnt just put a timer on newly created characters who havent completed any quests at all to unlock stuff. We had to make new players who are coming into the game get inconvenienced more.
[2.0] The following adjustments have been made to the Mac version:

The client is now compatible with Mac OS X 10.11 El Capitan. I didnt edit this, they really have this in the patch notes. There is a version of Mac OS called El Capitan. Coming next though is support for Spiced Rum and Rum and Coke variants. In all seriousness, sorry mac users for what is a really bad port


  1. Eldelphia -
    Eldelphia's Avatar
    [2.0] Exploratory Voyages have been adjusted as follows: More shit to gain, more exp for your ship people. A whole bunch of other stuff that doesnt matter except for that one guy who REALLY REALLY likes the airships. He is the reason you have 4 of them at max level. Stop bitching when he begs for eight hours for three people to come complete the ships.
    LMAO, that's so me.
  2. Sagacyte -
    Sagacyte's Avatar
    We really need a "tweet this" button XD