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You think you know but you know nothing

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Yesterday was a surprisingly hard day due to an unexpected event which has compelled me to do my first ever blog post. First it is best to tell about some past. I did not have a swell childhood and like many my parents divorced. I was around 13. I grew up thinking my father was a monster and my mother would confirm as much telling me stories throughout the years of how he was a terrible person. My relationship with my father ended when I was 14.

I went through my twenties being an angry person and struggled with just about anything because I was told that I just needed to grow up and/or needed to stop being mad about the past (at 31 I was clinically diagnosed with anxiety and PTSD). I had a steady girlfriend but struggled with attending holidays and family stuff with her due to my past. Throughout this time I started learning more about my mother and how it was becoming more apparent she loved being a victim and how everyone is out to get her.

After meeting my wife (of now six years) she has helped me with my anxiety, talking about my past, and moving forward with managing anxiety. Together we've learned that my mother has been a huge part of my anxiety. To give some examples, I've been ridiculed by choosing a filipino wife (but she suggested me meeting a "nice Cuban" when I lived in FL), wishing my wife's mother was mine because she bought us some house stuff when we moved into our first house together, ridiculed us for buying a nice TV (must be nice to buy fancy things), and openly favoring my sister as the superior child.

I never wanted to look at my mother as being bad because I remember her making sure I was on time for sports, letting me get the expensive basketball shoes even though we lived in a shitty apartment, etc. Over time I noticed how her memories about things and mine were two different things. One very specific was I asked about a health condition I knew for fact my father had and she outright denied it. Many red flags appeared. The straw broke the Kalmado's back when we had an argument akin to her stating the sky is green. It's been 3 1/2 years since we've talked.

I work in sales and many people as me if I'm related to so and so because of a slightly different but somewhat common last name. Yesterday a guy comes in for a quote and at the end I give him my business card. He looks at it and says, "You're father is Greg. I know you." From there he went on to explain he's known my father's family since they were in kindergarten and he knew my dad up until he died. He let me know how my father and him attended my high school baseball games without my knowledge, how my father was very misunderstood, and how my mother was having an affair with a man who worked at the prison (I didn't meet said man until months after we moved out). He ended the conversation stating if I ever wanted to learn more about the past and how things really were he'd be more than happy to have coffee.

This really rocked my world as one could imagine. Just how much of what I've been told in life has been a lie? What was my father really like since we last spoke 24 years ago? I decided to put off the pondering and drowned my thoughts with whiskey. Sitting at work I think to myself if I should leave the past as is or open the box. I'm not sure what I want but everything happens for a reason and of all the insurance offices in my city this man enters mine and gets me out of three people to quote.


  1. Sonomaa -
    Sonomaa's Avatar
    Its always your choice to find the truth but it sounds like someone knows the real that you might not have known.

    Its not always about forgiveness but the truth can help you move on, you werent wrong to cut your mother off, she sounds toxic to your life. Just remember, you are the most important person in your life, and your wife is the other most important person, look at her, look at yourself, and find peace. Keep being awesome, were listening if you need us.
  2. Buffy -
    Buffy's Avatar
    Ooooooff. I've never met my dad. If I met someone who said they knew him I would be blown away. I can empathize with your situation.
  3. Hellfury -
    Hellfury's Avatar
    Regardless of the relationship with your mother, you should try to get to know who your father was, you owe it to both him and yourself.
    I'm not going to spout the whole "The truth will set you free"-thing, and from what you write, it sounds like it might provide you with at least some sliver of peace of mind.
  4. Twilight Sky -
    Twilight Sky's Avatar
    That's called Parental Alienation. It commonly happens to fathers but it does happen to mothers too. It's basically lying to the kids about the one who left them/one they left. It has damaging effects on the victim-parent, since having 0 contact with the kids is enough to emotionally kill the parent. You were used as a weapon against your dad. Some divorced couples don't know how to just let it go. They must find a way to "get back" at the other for leaving them/causing the divorce, etc. Sorry you had to get mixed up in that. Certainly learn more about your father.