2015-16 NFL Pro Bowl: Honor the Fallen - Lightning Round

[Bregor]

So we already covered this for Miami, Tennessee, and Philadelphia. Real quick, let's look back on the rest of the NFL's shitty coaches and/or franchises.



TOM COUGHLIN, DISTRICT 9/11



WHY HE WAS HIRED: You know, that was a long-ass time ago. I remember Jim Fassel making the "poker game" speech and then losing the Super Bowl to fucking Trent Dilfer (in his defense, he had Kerry "4 INTs" Collins) and then a few years later he was gone. I dunno, I was in my early 20s and drinking a lot. Anyway, Coughlin built an instant winner in Jacksonville for the expansion Jaguars (remember Tony Boselli?) so he had a good résumé while also keeping the droopy demeanor of Fassel in the franchise.

TOTALLY LOOKS LIKE: Skinny Dick Cheney

MOMENT WHEN I KNEW HE SUCKED: Well, he doesn't. He did the best he could with a mediocre roster and an entrenched quarterback who's overrated because Super Bowls and also Manning.

MOMENT WHEN EVERYONE ELSE SHOULD HAVE KNOWN HE SUCKED: Going 19-29 over the last three years will get anyone fired, especially in the cesspool that is the NFC East. What has historically been a stout defense turned into a sieve, and Steve Spagnuolo in his second stint as defensive coordinator has done diddily-poo to help.

WAS IT HIS FAULT?: This is tricky. Obviously the game can pass you by, as we often see with older coaching re-hires. But it's harder to perceive when it happens during a coach's tenure, especially one that has two Super Bowl rings. It's a slow burn, but based on his resignation press conference, I think Coughlin acknowledged he might be missing a step or two.

WHAT'S NEXT FOR THE NEW YORK FOOTBALL GIANTS: Tisch, Mara, and Reese took the path of least resistance and opted to promote offensive coordinator Ben McAdoo. McAdoo buttered his bread as a position coach in Green Bay, then Coughlin tapped him as the OC two years ago. The offense performed very well under his system, but then again it coincided with the arrival of Ol' Dirty Beckham Jr. so who knows where the credit is due. But Eli likes him and that's all that matters because he won two Super Bowls and isn't just a lucky doofus or anything dumb like that.

WHAT'S NEXT FOR COUGHLIN: He'll be 70 in August, so another coaching gig is probably not in his future. I'm guessing he'll be a consultant, an adviser, an ambassador for the game, whatever honorary title they give olds who've outlived their usefulness. But between four straight playoff appearances with an expansion team and two Super Bowl wins in the Big Apple, Coughlin is likely a Hall of Famer. I hope DeSean Jackson attends his induction.




JIM TOMSULA, DISTRICT "THE GAYS"



WHY HE WAS HIRED: Jed York hates his players and probably his fans.

TOTALLY LOOKS LIKE: If Carl from Aqua Teen Hunger Force had hair

MOMENT WHEN I KNEW HE SUCKED: The day he was hired. Seriously, the guy had never been a coordinator in the NFL, and most of his experience running a team was in NFL Europe. The '9ers dug deeper for this guy than the Bears did for TRASHMAN. True, he was the defensive line coach for eight seasons in San Fran, but it's not like he was churning out stud players left and right. The defense's three most successful years were also Jim Harbaugh's first three years in San Fran. Coincidence?

MOMENT WHEN EVERYONE ELSE SHOULD HAVE KNOWN HE SUCKED: He benched a previously successful NFL quarterback for Blaine fucking Gabbert. That's an actual thing that happened.

WAS IT HIS FAULT?: Not really. The roster that Harbaugh had led to three straight NFC Championship games and a Super Bowl was completely decimated by runaways, retirements, and a dash of Aldon Smith's craziness. Honestly, a 5-11 record was much better than I would have guessed going into the season.

WHAT'S NEXT FOR SAN FRANCISCO: Mr. Chip's Wild Ride pulls into the City by the Bay with a mandate to get the offense chugging again. Is Colin Kaepernick white good enough for Chip? Whatever happens there, Kelly will also need to turn around a defense that ranked 29th in yards allowed.

WHAT'S NEXT FOR TOMSULA: Well, he can always do one of these things again:






LOVIE SMITH, DISTRICT "THE OLDS"



WHY HE WAS HIRED: Two years of SCHIANO MEN is enough for any franchise, and the natural reaction to that was to go with an experienced head coach. Lovie had nine years, three playoff appearances, and a trip to the Super Bowl in Chicago. With a decent amount of time and talent he could turn around the Bucs' fortunes in a very winnable division.

TOTALLY LOOKS LIKE: John Amos, who played the McDonald's manager in Coming to America. Look it up, Millennials.

MOMENT WHEN I KNEW HE SUCKED: He spent his first year in Tampa cycling between Josh McCown and Mike Glennon at quarterback. I know the GM makes the roster, but Lovie had to have some input on that, right? McCown finished with a 70.5 passer rating, the second-worst among qualified QBs (Bortles's rookie effort was the worst). And it's not like he didn't have weapons, Mike Evans and Vincent Jackson make for a pretty nice receiving duo.

MOMENT WHEN EVERYONE ELSE SHOULD HAVE KNOWN HE SUCKED: Lovie was never above .500 in Tampa. This season, after beating the Falcons in week 13 to get to 6-6, the Bucs dropped four straight to finish in the basement of the NFC South yet again. The only silver lining was sweeping the Falcons, and that's more of a testament to how hot and cold Atlanta ran this season.

WAS IT HIS FAULT?: I don't think Lovie got a fair chance at getting Tampa where he wanted it to go. A four-win improvement in your second season is nothing to sneeze at, but the Glazers knew people were asking about the availability of offensive coordinator Dirk Koetter. Rather than see him get poached, they canned Lovie a year or two earlier than they would have liked and promoted Koetter to head coach.

WHAT'S NEXT FOR TAMPA BAY: Koetter did a pretty good job in the college ranks, building up Boise State shortly after the jump to Division I-A, and doing about as well as expected in Arizona State. He ran the offense for Jacksonville during the Jack Del Rio/David Garrard era, then arrived in Atlanta just in time for Julio Jones to explode. He's been a fast riser throughout his career, and now he has a talented young quarterback to groom in Jameis Winston.

WHAT'S NEXT FOR LOVIE: He'll probably take a year off, then be everyone's Rooney Rule interview next January. Whether or not Lovie wants to get back into coaching is up to him, but it might be in college or as a defensive coordinator.




MIKE PETTINE, DISTRICT DEPRESSION



WHY HE WAS HIRED: One lackluster year of Rob Chudzinski was all Jimmy Haslam could handle. The Chudz was an offensive guy, but a three-headed monster of Jason Candle, Brandon WEEDEN, and HOYER THE DESTROYER at quarterback was a bit too much for him to handle. So in comes Mike Pettine, a no-nonsense defensive coordinator under Rex Ryan in New York, to solidify the other side of the ball. Cleland always had some good talent but not much in the way of results on defense, and the hope was Pettine could channel some Rex-like magic and get some stops and turnovers to help out his anemic offense.

TOTALLY LOOKS LIKE: Angry Rick Harrison

MOMENT WHEN I KNEW HE SUCKED: When he accepted the Cleleand head coaching job.

MOMENT WHEN EVERYONE ELSE SHOULD HAVE KNOWN HE SUCKED: If your calling card is defense, you can't rank 29th in Defense DVOA, 29th in points allowed, 27th in yards allowed, and 22nd in takeaways. Yes, Ray Farmer did a shit job and developing and keeping talent, and yes, Joe Haden missed 11 games to injury. But good coaches have done more with less, and the AFC North isn't exactly an impossible gauntlet of offenses.

WAS IT HIS FAULT?: Oh, indeed. Let's be honest, you know the kind of shit sandwich you have to eat when you become a coach for the Cleveland Browns. Pettine didn't do anything especially impressive or inventive to get the team back on track, and it seems like he, Farmer, and Haslam were completely unprepared for the attention Johnny Manziel brought with him to the shores of Lake Erie. I mean, when you draft a guy like that, then after he shows some flashes you go back to Josh fucking McCown, what does that say about your expectations?

WHAT'S NEXT FOR CLELAND: Hue Jackson, one of the hottest coordinators available, chose the Browns because he already has the Raiders box checked on his "Shitty NFL Teams" bingo board. All joking aside, Jackson did okay in his one season coaching the silver and black, and his years at Cincinnati have been impressive. Maybe he can bring AJ McCarron with him so the Brownies can have a real quarterback? Also, Roll Damn Tide, y'all.

WHAT'S NEXT FOR PETTINE: He's been around the block enough to get a defensive coordinator or position coach job with someone. But Pettine seemed overwhelmed by running an NFL team, so I don't see him getting another opportunity anytime soon. And if he ever does get the chance, I'll be there, posting this gif that encapsulates his tenure in Cleland:





Last week:

M/L: 2-0
ATS: 2-0

Overall:

M/L: 168-98
ATS: 135-122-9



SUNDAY, JANUARY 31ST

7:00pm EST, ESPN

Team Rice v. Team Irvin (-3) -

[Serra]

Screw the Probowl, continuing the discussion of brisket!

One of my FB friends that I went to high school with was in line at the time Kanye got sent to the back and posted about it. Was pretty hilarious.

I hear they've gotten a lot better about not letting anyone cut in line. A while before they open, they have a person who comes out, goes down the line, and asks people how much meat they want. They get to a point where they say, "beyond this point, we can't guarantee you any brisket, or sausage, or ribs, etc." Problem was, Franklin's is such a well know place in Austin that people post about it on Facebook, and then their friends see it and show up like an hour before they open, and they end up screwing people who have been line and who have been waiting. One time we were there, this hipster couple showed up and tried to hop in and join their friends, but this giant dude comes from the back and looked like he was going to beat the shit out of them till they left (presumably he was near the cutoff and would have been one of those people who got screwed).

[Rhyis.]

When does the Pro Bowl change to flag football so there's the potential of it becoming a little more entertaining

[Cutriss]

Wake me up when Michael Irvin threatens to move his team to SLC unless the state of Hawaii builds him a new stadium.

[Krandor]

He would also likely accept an 8 ball as payment.

[Cail]

I think the pro Bowl and it's thread are everyone's fav

[Valisk]

LOVIE SMITH, DISTRICT "THE OLDS"

TOTALLY LOOKS LIKE: John Amos, who played the McDonald's manager in Coming to America. Look it up, Millennials.

I had good times watching Coming to America. Good times.

[Cail]

Oh Johnny. .

[Krandor]

At least he wasn't arrested, so he's got that going for him.

[Bregor]

Oh Johnny. .

Maybe he can bring AJ McCarron with him so the Brownies can have a real quarterback? Also, Roll Damn Tide, y'all.

DO IT HUE

[Moss]

I enjoyed the OP, good job breggy

[Dimmauk]

I also enjoyed the OP and the tales of brisket.

I'm not sure why I sounded like Starfire.

I'll be commuting to Austin for the next month to start up a new division. Dreading Austin traffic.

[Bregor]

Mike Martz hates Terrell Owens, is wrong and bad

http://espn.go.com/nfl/story/_/id/14...uce-torry-holt

[tyven]

so wrong and so bad

[Cail]

Megatron told family and coaches before this year that 2015 would be his last year

[kisada]

wow. can't believe calvin is retiring.

[tyven]

CURSE OF THE BARRY SANDERS. All talented Lions will retire early

[Krandor]

He couldn't handle the Cooter

[Wulfgang]

Nice take on Coughlin Bregor; I have a lot of respect for the dude. Also, beating the hoodie in two Super Bowls epitomizes the notion of "the enemy of my enemy is my friend" as a Bills fan.

And that image of Tomsula's prior jobs is amazing. How have I never seen that before?

[Krandor]

Let's be honest, did most people even realize Tomsula has a HC this year?