2015-16 NFL Week 2: Boulevard of Broken Feet

[Bregor]

DALS fans everywhere:



Dez Bryant fantasy owners everywhere:



Me IRL:



Rex Ryan: "DID SOMEONE SAY FEET?!?!"


Last week:

M/L: 9-7
ATS: 8-7-1


THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 17TH

8:25pm EDT, CBS/NFL Network

Denver at Kansas City (-3) - The Tyrannical Touchdown Tosser escaped the season opener with a win despite his worst passer rating in three years. There will definitely be some kinks to work out in Gary Kubiak's offense. I think the most surprising thing was Owen Daniels only saw two targets when tight ends have been a factor for Kubiak in the past. They also kept everything underneath, with the longest passing play being only 18 yards. Meanwhile the Chefs cruised to a 27-9 halftime lead over the Houston Watts, and while it was disappointing they took the foot off the gas a bit in the second half, this looks like a very complete team, one poised to dethrone these Broncos in the AFC West. Lots of movement here, from DEN-1.5 to KC-3, and the O/U dropped from 46 to 42. If it were my money, I'd avoid betting altogether and just enjoy a great football game. Forced to pick, I'll continue the "MANNING IS DONEZO" narrative since it worked so well for Brady last season. Chiefs win and cover.


SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 20TH

1:00pm EDT, CBS

Houston at Carolina (-3) - So it turns out Brian Hoyer isn't a good quarterback! Who would have thought? In truth, it's hard to pin Houston's offensive woes on him while Arian Foster is riding a Pogo Bal in the training room. I still love DeAndre Hopkins to assert himself as an elite receiver, and Nate Washington looked pretty good too. Whether Mallett or Hoyer is under center, I think they'll be fine eventually. The good news is Watt and clowney both looked good, and I'm sure Clowney's 3 solo tackled and 1 TFL have Houston fans waiting for more. Carolina seems like it has the same old problems again; shaky O-line, no receivers, inability to put away inferior teams. Luke KEEKLEE has a concussion, so he's gotta go through the protocol to be ready for Sunday. Hey, stop getting hurt, white linebackers! I think it comes down to gameplan with the Panthers. They can keep Watt and Clowney's impact minimized if they establish Jonathan Stewart early. Failing that, protecting Cam against those rushers is going to end badly. So I'll take Houston's D against Michael Oher and Mike Remmers and pick the Texans in the upset.

New England at Buffalo (+1) - The last two seasons, New England is 9-7 on the road, which is good but not what we think of as Patriots good. BOSEGHAZI IS REAL PEOPLE. Seriously though, how fucking hard is it to cover Julian Edelman? I wish we still had early 90s rules where you could press the fuck out of him at the line and stick Antonio Langham on his ass for the entire game. Gronk, however, is equal parts goofy frat douche and terrifying physical specimen, and I don't think anybody's covering him. His record of 17 touchdowns in 2011 is in serious jeopardy if he stays healthy. Are the Bills good, or is Indy bad? Both, I think, but you have to give credit to Rex Ryan for easing Tyrod Taylor into the starting gig with a good ground game and aggressive defense helping his team. And Shady McCoy only had 20 touches, which should increase as he gets healthier. They also get Marcell Dareus back, he of the contract matching his girth. New England gave up a ton of running room to DeAngelo Williams last week, so I'm thinking McCoy and Taylor test the edges and gaps pretty well here. I'd love to pick the upset, but Belichick with a long week to prepare... nah. Patriots win and cover.

San Diego at Cincinnati (-3.5) -



lol

Bengals win and cover.

Tennessee at Cleveland (+1) -



LOLOLOL

Seriously, look at that gif. The determination in McCown's eyes. The mouth appearing to scream like some combination of Howard Dean and Voldemort. John Greco signaling for a touchdown. The leap. The spin. The ball fluttering away as McCown crashes back to the earth. It's fucking amazing. As for the game, I think people are making too big a deal over Tennessee beating the Bucs, and Cleveland was under siege from a very good Jets defense. Tennessee don't scare me. I'll take the Browns in the upset.

1:00pm EDT, FOX

San Francisco at Pittsburgh (-5.5) - Hey, good for you, '9ers. You're not literally the worst professional football team ever. In fact, Carlos Hyde looked like the second coming of Eddie George in week 1. Still, let's not get carried away. A home game against a rusty Adrian Beathisson is much different from going to Heinz Field. Pittsburgh put up over 460 yards of offense on New England last Thursday, and have had the long week to boot. Antonio Brown and his helmet hair should do just fine here. Steelers win and cover.

Tampa Bay at New Orleans (-10) -



PPPFFFFFFFFFFFFFFHAHAHAHAHA

Saints win and cover.

Detroit at Minnesota (-3) - I think both of these teams would like a do-over on week 1. The Lions enjoyed a breakout by Ameer Abdullah but only got him 11 touches, plus Calvin Johnson had only 2 catches on 4 targets. The offense needs to do much better at getting their best players in a position to make big plays. Everything looked great after a 21-3 start but the defense wilted under the icy stare of PRIVS. Meanwhile the Vikings didn't do much of anything on Monday night, having a similar problem with Adrian Deterson only getting 13 touches. I think Detroit's stout defense from a year ago might be a bit softer this season, but it should be enough to contain Minny. Lions in the upset.

Arizona at Chicago (+1.5) - So Carson Palmer should be the NFL MVP, because when he plays the Cardinals look like Super Bowl contenders and when he doesn't they look like NFL Europe. The Cards outpaced the Saints in almost every aspect, and Palmer's 122.8 passer rating and 82.6 QBR are very impressive, not to mention the O-line giving up zero sacks. Meanwhile the Bears game close to exercising their Packer demons with a comeback last week, but fell short. Their amazing plan of "give the ball to Forte a lot" is the stuff of genius, really. This week, Cutler against Arizona's secondary should be a hoot. Cardinals win and cover.

Atlanta at NY Giants (-2.5) - As I mentioned last week, Matt Ryan has all the tools to be an elite quarterback, and I don't mean FLACCO ELITE or ELI ELITE but actually elite. He's just needed an offensive line to give him time and a defense that doesn't get stomped every week. He might have both of those things now, as the Dan Quinn regime started off with a bang in upsetting the Eagles. Rookie runner Tevin Coleman looked good too, so any improvement from the other units will be huge. The Giants should have escaped Dallas with a win on Sunday night, but head coach and Walking Dead extra Tom Coughlin blew it, much like JPP did with his hand. Will we see a sophomore slump from Odell Beckham? 5 grabs on 8 targets for 44 yards is pretty pedestrian, but I'm not jumping ship just yet. In fact, maybe he can learn a thing or two from JULIO. Falcons in the upset.

St. Louis at Washington (+3.5) -



Whoever directed the Fins/Skins game for CBS was wonderful. They gave the people what they want, which is reaction shots of RG3 when Washington would fuck something up. Not much to say about this game, other than that St. Louis front of Aaron Donald, Chris Long, and Robert Quinn is probably going to kill a man on Sunday. Rams win and cover.

4:05pm EDT, CBS

Miami at Jacksonville (+6) - My excitement for the Miami offense took a big hit, as they only mustered 256 yards against the fucking Redskins last week. They have all the elements, but something is missing. Playcalling maybe? Tyche, help me out here. The Jags actually didn't look over-matched by Carolina, but 3-for-12 on 3rd down and two Bortles picks doomed them to a loss. I still think they'll be one of the more improved teams in the AFC. Dolphins win, Jaguars with the points.

Baltimore at Oakland (+7) - Terrell Suggs blew his Achilles on Sunday, and with him goes most of the names you know from the dominant Ravens defenses of the past. Can they continue to succeed with all the new faces around? The most troubling one might me Marc "THE TRASHMAN" Trestman, whose offense looked pretty bad, albeit against a stout Broncos defense. Oakland might be without Derek Carr for this game, but it won't matter. Ravens win and cover.

4:25pm EDT, FOX

Dallas at Philadelphia (-5) - Even without Dez, I feel like the Cowboys are still a very good team. And I have no clue about the Eagles. They were down 20-3 at halftime and looked really bad. DeMarco Murray had 8 carries the entire game. Slingin' Sammy Bradford threw it 52 times. CHIP KELLY, Y'ALL. I think they get things sorted for the home opener, but it'll be close because NFC East. Eagles win, Cowboys with the points.

8:30pm EDT, NBC

Seattle at Green Bay (-3.5) - Seattle... bad? They gave up 6 sacks and their runners averaged 3.9 yards per carry against the Rams. Unless Kam Chancellor can play an offensive line position, he ain't gonna help that much. It wasn't a dominant performance for Green Bay on Sunday, but a turnover-free road win is always a good thing. Aaron Rodgers continued his assault on the Bears and pro-football-reference.com with 3 TDs and 0 INTs. I think 0-2 Seattle will be hilarious for the overreactions from ESPN talking heads and "THE 12TH MAN" douches alike. Packers win and cover.


MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 21ST

8:30pm EDT, ESPN

NY Jets at Indianapolis (-7) - The Jets looked really good taking down the Browns, while Indy stunk up the joint in Buffalo. So naturally the Colts are 7-point favorites. Get ready for Jon Gruden's on-air fellatio of Andrew Luck, no matter how he's playing. Old-ass Andre Johnson only caught 4 passes on 10 targets, and old-ass Frank Gore gained 31 yards from scrimmage. Yikes. I don't think the Jets are good, per se, but there are worse situations to have than FitzMAGIC, GMARSH, Decker, and that defensive front. I think New York has a real good shot here, but I'm trying not to get too wrapped up in the week 1 results. Colts win, Jets with the points.

[Cail]

Why are there so many damn 1:00 games this week

[Melena]

Bregor, what's the over/under St. Louis trolls Washington again on it's home field?

[Wulfgang]

New England at Buffalo (+1) - The last two seasons, New England is 9-7 on the road, which is good but not what we think of as Patriots good. BOSEGHAZI IS REAL PEOPLE. Seriously though, how fucking hard is it to cover Julian Edelman? I wish we still had early 90s rules where you could press the fuck out of him at the line and stick Antonio Langham on his ass for the entire game. Gronk, however, is equal parts goofy frat douche and terrifying physical specimen, and I don't think anybody's covering him. His record of 17 touchdowns in 2011 is in serious jeopardy if he stays healthy. Are the Bills good, or is Indy bad? Both, I think, but you have to give credit to Rex Ryan for easing Tyrod Taylor into the starting gig with a good ground game and aggressive defense helping his team. And Shady McCoy only had 20 touches, which should increase as he gets healthier. They also get Marcell Dareus back, he of the contract matching his girth. New England gave up a ton of running room to DeAngelo Williams last week, so I'm thinking McCoy and Taylor test the edges and gaps pretty well here. I'd love to pick the upset, but Belichick with a long week to prepare... nah. Patriots win and cover.

The Patriots are now paying Bregor to post false game predictions as well; how low can this team go!? Bergorgate 2015.

Fuck your couch NL; you're going down.

[Bregor]

Why are there so many damn 1:00 games this week

Just makes RedZone better.

[Bregor]

Bregor, what's the over/under St. Louis trolls Washington again on it's home field?

I was really hoping they'd cut RG3 by now so he'd sign with the Rams before the game.

[Moss]

gonna need to see a lot more from Tyrod Taylor before I anoint the Bills

[Cail]

Just makes RedZone better.

Yea, but 4:00 will suck

[tyven]

Crazy to me that the jets arent 38 point favorites.

[Krandor]

Crazy to me that the jets arent 38 point favorites.

They just need to put Marshall on both sides of the ball obviously.

[Churchill]

Why are there so many damn 1:00 games this week

What sucks is that because the Cardinals aren't a glamorous team that ESPN/NBC want to deep throat, they always play at 1300. What that means is if there are any other good games on from the NFC (eg, Seattle/St. Louis) we don't see them.

[Cail]

Ryan Mallett already named as the new Texas starter

[Moss]

The Texas Texans

has a nice ring to it

[Azull]

All the faster for Tom Savage to start and lead us to the Super Bowl! Right? ... right? sigh.

[Mertron]

RUTGERS!

[Cail]

The Pats fuck tom employees are reinstated

[Cutriss]

The Pats fuck tom employees are reinstated

Apparently tonight's South Park underscores the media bias against Tom Brady and the Pats. I'll probably be mildly amused.

[Krandor]

It can't be worse then the time they had Tom chug Butter's Creamy Goo.

[Adajer]

fin week 2

[Cail]

Fuck the Vikes they are so bad now fire everyone

already?