Super Bowl XLVII: 'Deer-antler Spray To the Mouth' Sounds Pretty Sexy

[Bregor]

Last week
M/L: 0-0
ATS: 0-0

Overall
M/L: 171-94-1
ATS: 133-124-9


SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 3RD

6:30pm EST, CBS

Baltimore v San Francisco (-3.5) - Welp, this is finally it. The two best football teams in the land are set to square off in Super Bowl XLVII. For all the complaining everyone does on this forum about how shitty this year's game will be, and how it's continuing a string of boring Super Bowls, I think it's time for a reality check. When I was a kid, I only remember two good games, Super Bowls XXIII and XXV. Everything else was a blowout, and I'd spend most of the evening throwing a nerf football with my dad and my sister, only half paying attention to what was going on in the game. Sure, Super Bowls XXII and XXVI were happy times in Breggy's house, but that's because my parents are Redskins fans, something which I have forgiven them for long ago. For me, quality Super Bowls began when we ushered in a new millennium, fresh off the hubris for not blowing up the Earth with some Y2K silliness or the wrath of a vengeful god for popularizing Creed. There were many moments -- Kevin Dyson's outstretched arm, Adam Vinatieri's first game-winning boot, John Kasay's kickoff out of bounds, Antwaan Randle El's touchdown strike to Hines Ward, David Tyree's helmet catch, Larry Fitzgerald torching the Steelers only to have Santonio Holmes ruin the moment minutes later -- the list goes on and on. The point is, no matter how this game turns out, we have been very lucky over the last fourteen games. Would the yearly blowout of the AFC's dreck at the hands of the 49ers, Cowboys, Giants, or Redskins be more enjoyable for everyone? (Leroy, don't answer that.)

With all that said, it's not like I'm terribly looking forward to what this game means. One of the Harbaugh boys, those rubber-faced ass clowns that cry and pout at every little thing that goes wrong, is going to be a Super Bowl champion. For all the stories about Jack Harbaugh being so proud and such a good teacher and father, maybe he should have taught his sons to stick a Roomba up their vaginas to clean out all the sand when they don't get a flag to go their way. And the awful effects of victory don't end with the coaches. Should Baltimore emerge with the Lombardi Trophy, the media knob-slobbering of Ray Lewis will reach dangerous levels, Joe Flacco will have "won" a Super Bowl (since quarterbacks alone determine the outcome), Torrey Smith gets a ring before JULIO, and we'll get some awful retrospective of Art Modell's legacy. I'll tell you what his legacy is, he stole my fucking football team. The only good thing about a Ravens win would be that it makes Cam Cameron look bad. A San Francisco win would be just as awful. I swear to Christ and sonny Jesus, if I hear any more Colin Kaepernick factoids about being the first quarterback to run for x yards and throw for y touchdowns while having z shitty tattoos or whatever, I'm going to fucking lose it. I love how Jim Harbaugh is viewed as a genius for benching Alex Smith. Guess what, analysts, I'm pretty sure every single 49ers fan on this forum would have done the same thing. And I don't even want to know what "Kaepernicking" is, get the fuck out with this sports "journalism" and do some real reporting. Also, if this is how Randy Moss gets his ring, it's a fucking joke. I don't want to hear from you mouthbreathers about how he's the GOAT. As my history lesson should have told you, the NFL existed before 1998. Worst of all, a San Fran win will make Tweek insufferable, and since I now have not one but two week-long bans to hand out thanks to the donation drive, I may be compelled to use them under extreme duress.

Therefore, to save my sanity and my bans, I'm picking the Ravens to win. There are some teams that defy logic, and this year's incarnation of Baltimore is one of them. They should have lost to Denver, but there are greater forces at work here. Two weeks ago, against my better judgment, I bet on them to beat New England, and was rewarded for my faith. The pundits are saying San Francisco's defense will be able to contain Baltimore's weapons, but they seem more balanced and efficient than Atlanta, a team that jumped all over the 49ers and was a Mike Smith away from going to the Super Bowl themselves. As for the '9ers, their offense in the NFC championship game was basically pounding Frank Gore and waiting for Vernon Davis to get wide open. I don't think they'll have the same success here. Kaepernick is the x-factor, and can take over a game with his playmaking ability, but I don't trust him to do so in a Super Bowl. Slow and steady wins the race, and the way I see it, slow and steady will be Flacco to Anquan Boldin on offense, and a severe Ngata'ing on defense. Fuck my life, go Ravens.

[Abandon]

NO

[Bregor]

NO

Spoiler: show

[TsingTao]

...and we'll get some awful retrospective of Art Modell's legacy. I'll tell you what his legacy is, he stole my fucking football team.

I grew up in Cleveland. I saw Red Right 88 happen live, in some of the most unpleasant weather I've ever experienced. I still have seemingly random fits of Tourette's whenever I see John Elway's face on the TV. I've rooted for The Browns since I can remember. I can say with confidence that you, sir, have summarized that assbag's legacy perfectly.

[Melena]

Go Niners. I deserve it after Mike Nolan, J.T. O'Sullivan, and Mike Singletary. The only thing good we got was watching the curse of Shaun Hill start and then carry over to the Lions.1

[Abandon]

Spoiler: show

christ, that's glorious

[Tweek]

Yes.

[notorious bum]

You magnificent bastard. Better than what I have/will hear out of ESPN all week.

[Tweek]

If I can get a life long Browns fan to root for the Baltimore Ravens in the Super Bowl I've pretty much done my job.

[Pharaun]

I grew up in Cleveland. I saw Red Right 88 happen live, in some of the most unpleasant weather I've ever experienced. I still have seemingly random fits of Tourette's whenever I see John Elway's face on the TV. I've rooted for The Browns since I can remember. I can say with confidence that you, sir, have summarized that assbag's legacy perfectly.

Thirding Art Modell's Legacy, the guy was a gigantic twat. I grew up a Niners fan, but I was living in Cleveland when the Browns came back. I have never seen a city get so excited over something in my life, the passion the fans showed converted me to a life long Browns fan on the spot.

I'm going back to my roots, but I think the Niners will win. Mostly I'm just getting tired of Ray Lewis. Hey Ray, I don't give a shit if you think it's God's Time, because God doesn't give a shit who wins a football game.

[Cail]

Spoiler: show

oh god yes

[Cail]

Also, this thread and this game fucking suck

[wipers]

http://www.yardbarker.com/nfl/articl..._says/12798550

[Conrad]

I'm with the Unibrow. Let's do this, Audubon.

[archibaldcrane]

http://www.tmz.com/2013/01/31/dan-ma...wife-baby-mama

Holy shit.

Dan Marino knocked up a CBS Production Assistant in 2004 while he was still married and she had his love child lol

[removed]
She was 35 at the time, looks around 39 in this photo given the age of the kid.

[Bregor]

http://www.tmz.com/2013/01/31/dan-ma...wife-baby-mama

Holy shit.

Dan Marino knocked up a CBS Production Assistant in 2004 while he was still married and she had his love child lol

[removed]
She was 35 at the time, looks around 39 in this photo given the age of the kid.

Maybe that's why Boomer was always getting under his skin about not winning a Super Bowl, he was probably mad jelly he was hittin' that shit.

My favorite moment was before Peyton won a Super Bowl and Boomer called him the "Dan Marino of his era," and got this look:

[Roranora]

just recklessly planting seed..

Let this be another lesson in the value of a vasectomy after you've already got 4+2 kids with your wife -- assuming you're gonna be all up inside coworkers

[Xajii]

I don't really care about Art and I don't think he deserves nearly the amount of attention or praise he managed to garner. He didn't really do anything game changing. People around here would've sucked Judas' dick if he were the one who brought a team back to Baltimore but in reality it was kind of a no brainer tto choose this city and if Modell had gone elsewhere it would've been some other team or part of the expansion two years later.

Never seen more Ray and Ravens hate around the net than this past week... hell, the journalist who tried to pin him on this deer antler velvet spray - which BTW contains less of the banned substance in question than a glass of milk - is a perennail hater who tried the same thing two years back. Pathetic fuckers trying to dampen the end of the career to an all time great and of a man who turned himself around. Yeah the God bit is obnoxious but its something that helped him become who he is and I could care less overall.

Meanwhile Flacco calls an idea "retarded" and has to apologize for it. Then he signs a deal with Haribo that nets him free gummy bears for life. DONT EVER CHANGE, JOE.

Anyway, should be a good game. Whoever manages to open up the run will have the huge advantage. I'm very wary of Dean Pees, but to his credit, he found ways to contain Denver's offense to 21, New England to less than 20 I forget, no TDs at all to the Colts. Maybe he is better than I felt previously.

Also the double cat looool

[archibaldcrane]

As long as you realize that Ray Lewis is a murdering cheater who comes up small in the playoffs and thinks God and Satan are both personally working through him, then yeah I agree the media is out to get him.

[Melena]

Damn small font, here's the article instead.

http://insidescoopsf.sfgate.com/blog...obin-for-life/