NFL Week 14: Tebow > Rivers > Kevin Hart

[Bregor]

Last week
Pick: 10-6
ATS: 8-8

Overall
Pick: 124-68
ATS: 98-89-5

THU, DEC 8

Cleveland at Pittsburgh (-14) - Okay so maybe I was a little hard on Pittsburgh last week. As a Browns fan, it's my duty. Besides, the Bungles pretty much handed them that game with penalties, a blocked field goal, and a punt return TD. I still think there's no way they're one of the better teams in the league. Cleveland is in full "talent evaluation" mode, meaning they're playing scrubs to see if they'll cut them in the spring. Their top wide receiver over the last few weeks has been Jordan Norwood, which should tell you all you need to know. That win against the Jags could really hurt my TANK FOR TRENT strategy. One step closer this week. Steelers win, Browns with the points.

SUN, DEC 11

New England at Washington (+9) - This looks like the easiest cover ever, but then again the Pats let up last week and only won by 7. Think Belichick took Colts +21? I didn't think things could get much worse for the 'Skins, until Fred Davis and Trent Williams took some hits from the peace pipe. In Washington's defense, they outgained the Jets, were leading at halftime and into the 4th quarter, but were undone by some unsexiness from Rexy. Probably still better than what John Beck would have done. Patriots win and cover.

New Orleans at Tennessee (+3.5) - I hate teams like Tennessee. When I'm buying into them, they shit it up with losses at home. Just when I'm convinced they suck, they play a mistake-free game and win on the road. On the other side, I can't be mad at Breesus for spreading the ball around. I drafted Colston knowing this would be a problem some weeks. I can, however, rage every time a color analyst or ESPN personality tells me Jimmy Graham's life story like it's breaking fucking news that I haven't heard thousands of times already. Listen, douches, we all get it. Maybe Michael Lewis, Sandra Bullock and some actor with disturbingly odd skin pigmentation could team up to dramatize his heart-wrenching tale. Saints win and cover.

Philadelphia at Miami (-3) - Man, I feel sorry for the 11.5% of ESPN Eliminator players that chose the Iggles as the best bet to win last week. They must have been in a coma for the last three months or something. But things are not all gloom and doom in Philly. The '6ers are almost back! (I kid, I kid.) Mike Vick should be good to go for Sunday, and Vince Young played pretty well in his stead, that is until back-to-back picks in the 4th quarter last week. What Philly's offense will look like in Miami is anybody's guess. The Dolphins have won four of their last five, with all four victories by at least two possessions. Matt Moore is making his case to keep Matt Barkley Landry Jones Robert Griffin III Case Keenum on the bench for a year or two. And with self-appointed best linebacker in football Karlos Dansby running a stout defense, we will move one step closer to the firing of Andy Reid. Dolphins win and cover.

Atlanta at Carolina (+2.5) - GONNA FLY NOW
http://www.fantasyfootballchallenge....buccaneers.jpg
Falcons win and cover.

Tampa Bay at Jacksonville (+1) - GONNA DERP NOW
http://nbcprofootballtalk.files.word...pg?w=250&h=185
Jaguars in the upset.

Houston at Cincinnati (-2) - This is a tough one for me to pick. I think both of these teams are capable of playing very good football, but Cincy really Raheem Morris'd it up last week in Pittsburgh. If they can cut the mistakes and feed A.J. Green the ball, they should be fine. Meanwhile, Houston completely shut down Matt Ryan's offense, which is exactly as difficult as it sounds. But their style of ball control can be successful against anyone, and I like Foster and Tate to have a nice little Sunday. Plus, Jeff Garthia's back, and he's FABULOUS! Don't worry Heady, the Bengals usually win when I pick against them. Texans in the upset.

Minnesota at Detroit (-7) - People are piling off the Lions bandwagon faster than the Jews left Auschwitz in 1945. And Jim Schwartz appears to have about as much control as Hitler did at the time. But if you look at their losses, especially their more recent ones, they've come against the best teams in the league. So I think they'll still handle their business at home against an inferior opponent. What surprised me about the Vikes last week is sans Peterson they still put up 32 points against a good Denver defense. What didn't surprise me is they lost again. Yet Christian Ponder has looked like a pretty good player at times, so while the Colts will almost certainly take Luck, the two 2-10 teams shouldn't need a quarterback. Hands off Trent, fuckers. Lions win, Vikings with the points.

Kansas City at NY Jets (-9.5) - The final score looked impressive for the Jets in DC, but when the 'Skins decide to lose, there's just no stopping them. I still don't trust Sanchez or this defense, no matter how many squeakers they win or how fat Rex Ryan gets. So there's no way I'm going to take them to cover two scores, even if it is at home against KC. Last week I used this space to write about Palko and Haley's respective beards, which is about all I can say for Kansas City. One snap and a finger injury for Orton only means this week I won't write about the potential for a three-headed god-like bearded Cerberus, or Cerbeardus. Jets win, Chiefs with the points.

Indianapolis at Baltimore (-16.5) -
http://i54.tinypic.com/c1fy8.gif
Ravens win and cover.

Chicago at Denver (-3.5) - I really thought the BEARS would perform better last week, but Caleb "I'm not Chad Henne" Hanie and Marion "two yards in a cloud of celebration" Barber couldn't get anything going. Things are so grim that losing to Denver by a field goal would be a cover. Speaking of grim, the Broncos just keep winning, baby, so much so that they're sniffing the playoffs. It should be interesting to see if Elway and company trust their eyes and brains, or a small sample size record and their idiotic fans. I'm guessing the latter. BEARS in the upset(?).

San Francisco at Arizona (+3.5) - If you're Arizona, you really can't rely on breaking a punt return or screen pass every game. You can't really draw up a play to score a touchdown every time. Well, technically I suppose most every play is drawn up to score a touchdown, but usually someone tackles the ball carrier, something Dallas apparently forgot. How sweet will it be when the '9ers beat the 17-0 Fightin' Rodgerses to go to DA SUPA BOWL? I'll fap for days. 49ers win and cover.

Buffalo at San Diego (-7) - Phil "My tiny hands can't throw for 300 yards" Rivers led San Diego to a convincing win on Monday night. Of course, anything short of that and I think someone would have to confiscate Norv Turner's belts and shoelaces. The Bills are pretty much cooked I think. They tried a balanced approach last week, running effectively with Spiller and winning time of possession, but too many drives sputtered and they could only get to 17 points. I don't see how things get any easier on the road. Chargers win, Bills with the points.

Oakland at Green Bay (-11) - Oh, Oakland. You had me fooled. Don't worry, I won't make the same mistake again. If Matt Moore can get up 34-0 by the 3rd quarter, I'm guessing Aaron Rodgers will make it 70-0 by halftime. Packers win and cover.

NY Giants at Dallas (-3) -

Giants in the upset.

MON, DEC 12

St. Louis at Seattle (-6.5) - Another Monday night game worthy of Jaws and Chuckie. My 20-man team is riding Marshawn to the Promised Land. Seattle is riding him to an inferior draft pick. Seahawks win and cover.

[Dimmauk]

Tebow and Rivers are fat, so they can't be greater than Hart.

[Bregor]

Tebow isn't fat, He is filled with the Holy Spirit.

[Dimmauk]

Glad you picked the Giants, cause we all know Ginger Ice with probably ice ice Bailey again.

[Tajin]

+1 on Graham and ESPN. fuck that shit.

[Soa]

The Eagles will win out, ensuring Andy Reid will be the coach for 10 more years. FML.

[Deejay]

lololol timeout gif is awesome

[Headspace]

Bregor repping shitty WRs getting balls thrown to by shitty QBs

[Deejay]

pretty sure we have 2 shitty receivers in the top 10 but hey who's counting

[Bregor]

Bregor repping guys I don't have on my fantasy teams

Sorry bro.

[Headspace]

Sorry bro.

I don't have AJ Green on my fantasy team and he's better than Randy Moss.

[Bregor]

I don't have AJ Green on my fantasy team and he's better than Randy Moss.

Yeah but that's just a scientific fact.

[Dimmauk]

Heady, your Bengals bukkaki sig still grosses me out.

[Headspace]

I WILL CHANGE IT ON SUNDAY

[Headspace]

The next one is glorious.

Tyven has seen it and he approves.

[Moss]

+1 on Graham and ESPN. fuck that shit.

Yes. And replace ESPN with anyone that ever mentions Graham, ever.

[Chun Liroy]

Who decided stl vs sea deserved monday night more than cowboys and giants? Rofl

[AidenCarby]

Cowboys are playing, that's why.

[Tweek]

well in their defense SEA won the West last year and beat N.O. in the playoffs and a lot of people had picked STL to win the West this year before the season started, but yeah what an awful game for MNF like a lot of the prime time games this year.

interdasting factoid both SEA and STL had better records than DAL last year

[Marootsoobutsu]

SNF has about 18.5M viewers; MNF has about 9.4M-11M viewers. Why would they put their best on a lesser draw? MNF's just not the same as it was when it was on network television... yeah, it has the same impact on player schedules, but as far as money is concerned, you put the good show on SNF if you can arrange it.