Parental Relationships

[Ponyo]

I'm not really sure how to work or format this thought, I'm not really good at writing, so bare with me, it might be a lengthy post.

Growing up, I've always had a pretty bad relationship with my father. I always felt that I wasn't "boyish" enough for him. I didn't play sports, never was phsyical or got into fights, never had a gf or anything, which is his idea of a boy. So from a very young age, I always felt like he was very disapporiving of me.

I was raised UPC Pentacostal, which to those of you who dont know all the denomanations of christianity, is the tongue talking, running the isle, woman dont cut hair or wear pants, no make up or "worldly music" kinda people.

About two years ago, church started becoming less important to me in life. I started casually going to bars with friends, went to clubs all that kinda deal. About a year later I moved out and a month later came out to my parents.

After a huge fight with my mother and father, mainly my father, I havent had much communication with them. This fight was pretty intense, after being told I was "going to hell, and dragging people there with me" and being called a "fucking faggot" it got physical which ended up with me leaving and my dad on the floor.

About two months ago, I got a DUI and all hell broke out. After lawyer fees and everything started to add up, I couldn't afford my housing anymore and my mother asked me to move back in. Now, my mother has always been really accepting of me, and I kept contact with her pretty much the whole time, so I'm absolutely ok with her.

Ofcourse, the housing situation is terrible, as I can only drive to work and back, so I have been around the family a lot, and had many many many discussions on my decision to live a "homosexual lifestyle" and about me "leaving the truth"

All of this has been very hard for me, because I know that me coming out, meant that I would pretty much never have a "normal" family life again. My parents dont want me to spend holidays with them (parents meaning my father) and pretty much him saying that once I move out again, dont expect to keep talking.

I have all these ideas in my head about how family is so important and that has really been stuck in me, much to my dismay. Realizing that in a few years, I wont really have the normal family to spend holidays with etc, it really gets me down because I feel so outcast. Most of my extended family is pretty close with one another so it seems so normal to have that to me.

So my questions come down to this, all of you who have minimal contact with your parents or family, does it ever bother you? Is it something that you have learned to cope with, or is it always kinda in the back of your mind? How do you think it affected your relationship with your children? Any other thoughts that you have to add?



sorry for how long this is, it's half to get some feedback, half just to get it out of my head, even if it is to a forum.

[Mazmaz]

http://www.lememe.com/wp-content/upl...8/55556666.png
Actually I don't but you sounded like you needed it.

[AidenCarby]

Sorry but your father seems like a fucking douchebag, and if he's going to treat you like this over something so minor, he can go fuck himself. Live your life how you want to, your mom seems like she's really nice, there's nothing keeping you from staying in contact with her. To answer your question, I don't have any parents, and I don't have any kids, and what little family I have has me in and out of court trying to sue me for my inheritances. You'll learn that sometimes the most important people in your life won't be your family, doesn't seem like it in your case anyway, other than your mom. When you move out, have your own thanksgiving, no douchebag dads allowed.

[Ponyo]

haha, did you just have that sitting in a folder for a time like this?

[SephYuyX]

All I can say is, is that the few pentecostal girls I went to university with all had big breasts and were damn cute.

[Brill Weave]

Your father is a hate mongering bigot. Big shock, a bible thumper being unaccepting of someone with a different lifestyle than their own. My advice is keep in touch with your mother but cut your father loose. This isn't a Lifetime movie, he's not going to have some life altering epiphany where he's going to accept you. It sounds like he was trying to de-gay you when you were little. Sometimes you've got to make the difficult decisions now so you'll be happier in the long run. I understand you're hesitant to do this since it is your family we're talking about. It could always be in the back of your mind. But it might also be something you're able to move past and accept. No person handles this stuff the same way, so asking us for advice really isn't going to help you. What works for person X may not work for person Y.

My situation is slightly different as my father passed away from cancer years ago. He is always in the back of my mind. I think about him daily and the example he set for me when I become a father. If anything it sounds like your father gave you examples of what not to do.

[Tyche]

Don't hang onto family members that bring you down. Not every adult is fit to be a parent, especially one's that can't get over themselves long enough to accept their own children. Not on the same level as coming out, but I told my religious parents that I'm atheist. They gave me shit for all of a day before deciding that it wasn't worth affecting our relationship. Just be up front with your dad, let him know if he can't come to his own terms with it, be accepting, and not abuse you physically or emotionally, then he isn't someone that you want to associate with. At the same time, get your shit together kid. Don't let drinking and partying ruin your future at such a young age.

[Yuri-G]

not much you can do if you're living with them. it sounds like you already stood up for yourself bigtime, and while sometimes that will clear the air, it didn't work in your case. it's unfortunate but there's only so much you can do, and you need to think about what a father really is. this guy sounds more like a sperm donor than a dad, and while it's unfortunate, you are not alone in that - not even close.

you talk about being depressed over not having a normal family life but there's nothing you can do to make it normal. it's out of your control. build relationships with the family members who will be supportive and stand strong against the ones who would rather selfishly indulge their own prejudices than tap into the depth of familial love. love your friends, support them as they support you, and you will realize that love comes in many forms - while you may not have a dad that loves you the way he should, you will find plenty of other people who do.

no need to thank me for the advice, nudes will suffice.

[Ponyo]

I have such a complex life due to the church thing I think. I didn't even start drinking or anything until I was 23, the last few months though things just got out of control, hence the DUI

For the last few months I've been talking to my friend about the family issues, and she was almost offended that I said I didn't feel like I have any family, when she considers me family.

I dont know why, but I feel so weird going to somebodys house for a holiday family thing. I think it's just me being stupid, I need to let people in.

I will say though, for as much as these people think of themselves as christians, they are hatefull mother fuckers. Leaving that shit was one of the best things I could ever do.

[Souj]

Where have you been? The more into Christianity you are, the more you hate everything else.

and you should go to thanksgiving with your family. but prior to that, have a big gay orgy and video tape it. Then show it to everyone at your dinner.

[Greatguardian]

You're essentially going to be fighting an uphill battle against your father's entire belief system. The worst part of it is, some of these sorts of parents (especially the extremely religious type) sincerely believe that they're only trying to save their child's soul or do what's best for them. It doesn't mean that they don't love you, but rather the fact that they love you pushes them to do what they feel is "right". I don't approve of it one bit, personally, let me make that point clear. I've just dealt with enough of this with a lot of friend's families to get a glimpse at where these sorts of parents are coming from.

I don't want to turn this into a religion thread, but your father has probably spent near his entire life with the firm belief that what he believes is the one, absolute truth and that any doubts in his mind are a sign of weakness or lack of faith. His acceptance of you directly clashes with his interpretation of his God and his Church. That is not the kind of inward struggle I would wish on anyone.

None of this excuses what your father did, or continues to do. I just think it's important that you don't forget that he loves you, even if he shows it in the very worst of ways. These things take time, and patience, from both sides. Sometimes, they take a whole lot of time and patience. For what it's worth, in nearly every case I've seen or been involved with, a father's love for their child ended up trumping anything else.

[Skjie]

Don't hang onto family members that bring you down. Not every adult is fit to be a parent, especially one's that can't get over themselves long enough to accept their own children.

Family is who you make of it.

[Greatguardian]

Fuck your father, kill your mother

I think you got Oedipus Rex backwards.

[Cream Soda]

So my questions come down to this, all of you who have minimal contact with your parents or family, does it ever bother you? Is it something that you have learned to cope with, or is it always kinda in the back of your mind? How do you think it affected your relationship with your children? Any other thoughts that you have to add?

To make a life story short

Parents dumped me off at grandma's at 2
Lived w/ grandma 2-14
Lived w/ dad + uncle (dad's brother) 14-15.5
Lived w/ uncle (15.5-now)

Was pretty close with my grandma/one of my brothers(w/ same mom) since we both lived w/ her at that time, but 3,000 miles and not living w/ them since I was 14, I talk to them maybe once a month each, for a 5 min "hi, how have you been" conversation.

I don't talk to my mom at all, but she lives in Georgia, my little brother lives w/ her, only met him twice.

I have two brothers w/ the same dad. One live sin Ocala. I've met him 2-3 times, don't really ever talk. The other lives 15-20 miles away. havne't seen him in 2+ years. I have a niece, don't even know her name.

The uncle I live w/ now, living in the same house, rarely ever interact. Here is one of our conversations
"Hey uncle P, nice hair cut, when'd you get it?"
"Two weeks ago @.@"

He got a new gf, abandoning his current house. Been on the other side of the state for over a month now, stopped maintaining the house here and currently in it w/o any power in the house

That's about as minimal contact as it's gonna get.

Doesn't bother me at all. I get up every morning, do what I have to do. Go to class, study, and try my best. I'm not trying to depend on anyone else to make my day. I make my own or it doesn't get made at all.

You just can't let it bother you, really. Relationships take two people, if both aren't going to meet in the middle, then it's going to be nothing but stress for the one person trying uphold the relationship.

[Lucienne]

I'm one of those people that choose to live away from their family. My parents divorced when I was very little. I never grew particularly close to my dad, we have very different opinions on life, particularly on what I should and should not be doing and I just didn't have the energy to constantly deal with his questioning. My mom and I used to have a decent relationship despite the fact she remarried an idiot and a brute of a man. Throughout my childhood I was told how she couldn't divorce him due to my little brother, and when she finally did she returned to him shortly after. My brother is the person in my family I have the best contact with, even though it's filled with a lot of blame on both sides. I visit my family sporadically and it's always filled with a lot of stress and pushing myself beyond my limits due to the bullshit they generally put me through. When I go "home" to my mother, I stay in a hotel in order to not have to deal with her man. I am her show off item, I'm expected to wear perfect make up, pretty clothes and walk around visiting her friends, this gets spiced up by statements such as "you don't love me because I'm not rich like your dad". When I go "home" to my father, he puts me in a hotel, because their huge ass four room apartment doesn't have a guest room. In fact one of the reasons why I'm spending Christmas in America is so I wouldn't have to sit alone in my beautiful hotel room, showered in expensive gifts. Being his only child, despite the fact he hadn't really raised me, his expectations on me are enormous and nothing I ever do is good enough.

Sure, I do wish I had a loving and supporting family, but it's what it is and there isn't much I can do about it. If anything, it has made me more independent and strong. When all comes together, I am the only person I really have to live with for the rest of my life, so I act accordingly. I live my life the way I want, and I don't really have to deal with anyone having opinions about it for the majority of time. I don't generally rely on anyone but myself. I have a handful of really close friends that have come to function as substitutes. They are the ones I turn to for support and comfort. My best friend being in somewhat similar situation makes it more of a mutual deal as well.

I guess my advice would be to build a net of people you can rely on. I don't think your mother would stand up against your father, and I wouldn't consider her someone you can count on. Find a few really close friends that know you and love you for who you are and that you know will help you if they can.

[Pirian]

I don't have much contact with my father, and don't really have a problem with it. We get along great, but both of us are busy and even just thinking about calling one another is hard enough as it is. Haven't seen him in 2-3 years (I know the last time I saw him was Christmas some time ago, but I honestly couldn't tell you when it was). The only family that I really keep in constant contact is my mother, and my grandmother on my mother's side. Once I finish college, I will probably see them only 1-2 times a year though (ehh, probably more because my mother has the money to, and would make the effort to come to see me wherever I move to), but that's mostly by my choice of wanting to move far as fuck away from everything I've known. The main reason I want to move far away is to get away from the influence of my mother. It seems kind of silly saying it, but my mother is very successful, and I don't feel like I can make something of my own as long as I'm around her.

So yeah, I don't feel that family is all that important, and in a lot of cases it is not necessary. In my opinion, a family just gives you a basis of support to fall back and spend "important" time with if you don't like being alone, or don't have a close-nit group of friend.

[Silenka]

I'm in agreement with the people saying blood family isn't as important as some people make it out to be. Those who you're born living with aren't necessarily the people you should be with forever, especially if they treat you like shit. There are plenty of people in the world whose lives you can enrich and who would serve as 'family' as long as you can find the right ones and build up a relationship like that with them.

I have always believed that the definition of family is a strong relationship with someone else, and doesn't necessarily have to be defined by blood.

[Stumblingdrunk]

I have all these ideas in my head about how family is so important and that has really been stuck in me,

Relationships are important, literal "blood" family is not. You can't force people to accept you so don't waste your energy. Nurture the relationships you do have, take no one for granted, and make sure they know how much you appreciate them. People that love you will be there for you.

[Lucavi]

Stop drinking. Your father isn't a saint at all, but he didn't get the DUI. You're not going to gain strength from behind a bottle.

[Mojo]

My father was a drug dealer who abandoned my family and emotionally crippled my mother. After he got out of prison he just sort of went off and did his own thing. I see him twice a year. He's made good strides in his life since then, but I'm 26 now. I'd say I'm in the position where I could improve our relationship if I wanted to, although don't really have a burning desire to. I'm mostly indifferent, although part of me wants to get in a fist fight with him or something crazy like that. The other people in my life, my brothers, my mother, and some really great friends are all the family I need. It doesn't sound like you'll ever have a fulfilling relationship with your father. I wouldn't lose any sleep over it. Just do the best you can with the people closest to you.