2015-16 NFL Week 11: Literally no one is good anymore

[Bregor]

So I haven't really been checking the standings since there were like five undefeated teams and everyone else was garbage as of a few weeks ago. But now literally every single team sucks. Green Bay sucks. Denver sucks. Cincinnati sucks. It's time to re-center myself with a little PLAYOFF PICTURE



Atop the AFC is the New England Fightin' Belichicks. They're 9-0 and with the shit sandwich that is their conference right now, they look stronger than ever. But the loss of Julian Edelman and Dion Lewis means that Touchdown Tom Brady will have to channel his Goodell rage even more to keep the offense moving. The Cincinnati Bengals not only have the worst logo in the league, but their Monday night loss to Houston was vintage prime time Dalton. With Peyton Manning being placed in a boat and shoved into the Colorado River Boromir-style, the Denver Foreheads turn to Brock Osweiler, the towering quarterback prospect whose claim to fame at Arizona State was losing the 2011 Maaco Bowl. The Indianapolis Colts are an abomination and should be contracted or given back to Baltimore. Despite two separate injuries to their franchise quarterback and one to their stud tailback, the Pittsburgh Steelers just keep chuggin' away. They're on a bye so Large Ben can get healthy and back into assault mode. And finally we come to the Buffalo Bills, coached by the people's champion Rex Ryan. He might actually win the division or some playoff games if he ever stopped verbally fellating the Patriots.

Nothing can stop the 8-1 Carolina Panthers #keeppounding. I love their sociopath quarterback and how Vegas underrates them every week. Watching the Arizona Cardinals dismantle the Seahawks in Seattle was a thing of beauty, and Teddy Throwsevelt and the Minnesota Vikings have rattled off five straight wins. All three of these teams are cool and good and I hope one of them wins the Super Bowl. Congrats to the New York Giants who are the least shitty team in the NFC East. Also I really like the Phil Simms-era logo. (For you youngin's out there, Phil Simms was a Super Bowl-winning quarterback before he was a mediocre color analyst.) I know the Green Bay Packers are good but they just keep losing. To paraphrase Tony Dungy the other night, people have "figured out" the Pack by "keeping Rodgers in the pocket and blanketing the receivers." Well, no shit Sherlock. Once upon a time the Atlanta Falcons were 6-1 but with losses to Tampa and San Fran who the fuck knows how good they really are.

There you have it. Okay, so not every team in the NFL sucks. But unless you're New England, Carolina, Arizona, or I guess Minnesota, then you suck.



Last week:

M/L: 5-9
ATS: 6-8

Overall:

M/L: 88-58
ATS: 70-71-5



BYE WEEK: Cleveland, New Orleans, NY Giants, Pittsburgh



THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 19TH

8:25pm EST, NFL Network

Tennessee at Jacksonville (-3) - Since TNF has stopped being broadcast on CBS, they've featured Browns/Bengals, Bills/Jets, and now this piece of garbage. Next week I think it's UMass/Akron. WHO WANTS SOME MACTION? The sad thing is, this game could actually mean something in the abysmal AFC South. Jacksonville has won two of their last three and their offense looks pretty decent. I like Blake Bortles and Allens Robinson and Hurns to get some points on the board. Jaguars win and cover.


SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 22ND

1:00pm EST, CBS

Oakland at Detroit (+2) - The Raiders just got gashed by Adrian Deterson, and Derek Carr threw two picks in their loss to Minnesota. I still like the improvements they've made this season, but sometimes a team like Oakland loses a couple games in a row and things just come unraveled. But they're facing a Detroit team that just pulled off the miracle upset in Lambeau for the first time since Bush the 41st was in office. I expect a big letdown after such an emotional win. I'll reluctantly take the Raiders to win and cover.

Indianapolis at Atlanta (-6) - Both teams are off a bye, but I think the Colts would rather have played last week after their huge win over Denver. A week of rest is all well and good, but they still won't have Andrew Luck back, for better or for worse. Meanwhile Atlanta's weapons should all be healthy and it's not like Indy's defense is going to figure out JULIO, but Atlanta also loves to fuck around and keep games close. Falcons win, Colts with the points.

NY Jets at Houston (+2.5) - New York has dropped three of their last four, which is troubling for our eventual Super Bowl Champions. But I'm gonna chalk the Bills loss to the normal Thursday Night Bullshit, this is still a strong team and they should sneak into a wild card spot. FitzMAGIC might have a little something extra for his former squad, considering he was dumped in favor of Hoyer the Destroyer and Ryan Fucking Mallett. Houston didn't win on Monday so much as they allowed Prime Time Dalton to happen. Preseason third-stringer TJ Yates "saved" the game, or he just threw up a prayer to DeAndre Hopkins, either or. To shore up the position, the Texans signed everyone's favorite ginger, Brandon Weeden. I guess no one in Houston has tape of Cowboys games. Jets win and cover.

Denver at Chicago (-1) - I dunno which is worse, expecting a 39-year-old quarterback to battle through injuries and play well, or thinking that the torn plantar fascia that now sidelines Peyton Manning is just an excuse. People love to hate him, but he will always, always, get his revenge...



I used to work night shifts and when it was slow we could watch TV, so I actually saw some of Brock Osweiler's college career. He had a Wes Welker-like receiver named Aaron Pflugrad, and the two had pretty good chemistry. If Brock's been putting in the hours studying the playbook and getting on the good side of Demaryius Thomas and Emmanuel Sanders, he'll be just fine. Oh, and Denver's defense against Cutler should be a thing. Broncos in the upset.

1:00pm EST, FOX

Tampa Bay at Philadelphia (-5.5) - There aren't many individuals on the Bucs that really jump out to me this season. Their best players last year, Lavonte David, Gerald McCoy, Mike Evans, and Vincent Jackson are all having good-but-not-great years. And it's not like Jameis Winston is lighting it up in the box score either. So how are they 4-5? Well, I think it's dumb luck. They're not a good team. Sam Bradford did the most important thing he could do to help the Eagles succeed, and that is get hurt. I'm not really sure how the NFL and ESPN track every play, but I don't remember this ever happening:



Mark Sanchez takes over, and after half a game with a 63.0 passer rating, you see articles titled "SHOULD THE EAGLES COMMIT TO MARK SANCHEZ?" Uh, no fucking way! Just hand the ball off to DMM 40 times and hope for the best. Eagles win, Buccaneers with the points.

St. Louis at Baltimore (-2.5) - If you're studying for the SAT exam, here's an exercise. Bradford : Eagles :: Foles : Rams. He couldn't even do the noble thing and get hurt like Slingin' Sammy, he just got benched in favor of CASED GOD. The Ravens got refball'd out of a win against the Jags last week, but let's be honest, why are you in a position to get refball'd in the first place? Also, former Raven and Alabama alum Terrence Cody was just convicted of a bunch of shit, including animal cruelty, possession of weed, and illegal possession and neglect of an alligator. That's an amazing and also terrible laundry list of crimes there, Mount Cody. Rams in the upset.

Dallas at Miami (PK) - Tony Romo is back! He'll save the Cowboys and definitely won't get hurt again or anything! Jarvis Landry and Rishard Matthews will be a handful for Dallas's secondary, so if you like the Romo-Dez-Witten reuniting story, take over-47.5 and hope for a clean game. Otherwise, I wouldn't put any money on it but a home team in a pick'em is a good thing. I'll take the Dolphins.

Washington at Carolina (-7) - The Redskins just boatraced New Orleans and got Rob Ryan fired. But still no touchdowns for Alfred Morris. Maybe the Butler should hang up his towel. Someone is going to beat the Panthers, and looking at their schedule, there aren't many tough games yet other than their double dip with Atlanta. Will it be this week? Nah. Panthers win, Redskins with the points.

4:05pm EST, CBS

Kansas City at San Diego (+3) -



Chargers in the upset.

4:25pm EST, FOX

Green Bay at Minnesota (-1) - Game of the week right here. Green Bay's tumble is perplexing, and I'm tired of people saying Jordy Nelson's absence is the reason. They went 6-0 without him, and it's not like they don't have talented receivers. What do they need to get things rolling? ALL THE BUBBLE SCREENS! Just kiddin' they'll be fine. Football Outsiders' DVOA metric doesn't think too highly of Minnesota, ranking them just 19th in the league. Sure, their schedule has been pretty weak, but so has Arizona's and people are picking them to win it all. Looking at the matchups in this game, Adrian Deterson is facing the 24th ranked rush defense, and I expect Minnesota's defense to keep the clamps down on Green Bay's stagnant passing attack. Changing of the guard? Not really, but it should be a good game. Vikings win and cover.

San Francisco at Seattle (-12.5) - So who thought that an offense led by Blaine Gabbert, Shaun Draughn, and Quinton Patton could get enough points to beat the Falcons? Not me, that's for sure. San Fran isn't rolling over, and Gabbert bought himself another week or two under center. However, Seattle is at home and pissed as fuck they lost last week. I'll bet on all the Jimmy Graham TDs. Seahawks win and cover.

8:30pm EST, NBC

Cincinnati at Arizona (-5) - Red Head Revolver 2: The Yates Strikes Back was a total bust. Two turnovers, 4-for-14 on 3rd down, and zero run game made it a hard day at the office for Andy Dalton. Now we get Red Head Revolver 3: Palmer Nightmare as former Bengal and current MVP candidate Carson Palmer faces his old club. Normally I might think the Cardinals would have a bit of a lull after beating Seattle, but a prime time game against another division leader should keep them focused. For all the Daltoning that happened last week, Cincy's defense held up their end of the bargain. I think they can slow down Arizona enough to keep it interesting. Also, I have to post this again:



Cardinals win, Bengals with the points.


MONDAY, NOVEMBER 23RD

8:30pm EST, ESPN

Buffalo at New England (-7) - What this? A good Monday night game? I feel like celebrating!





YEAH! Patriots win and cover.

[Krandor]

Yo Gabba Gabba comin for dat ass.

[Xajii]

rofl

[ninjafox]

Bryan Hoyer suffered memory loss due to concussion

[tyven]

fucking lol @ the bradford abortion

[Mertron]

i remember that play, i don't recall seeing any wire hangers

[Cail]

I actually get to watch the Panthers this week. Woooo

[Wulfgang]

Wait, did you draw the playoff bracket in Paint/etc yourself? Because that shit is amazing if so. I would print that fucker out and pin it on my fridge.

And fuck I hate the Patriots. At Foxborough on Monday night with Brady under center and a semi-unhinged Rex at the helm on our side? Yeah, it's going to be a fucking rout and a half.

[BerenTebogo]

So for TNF its on NFL network? Any reliable stream sources for this? Can PM.

[Churchill]

[Roranora]

oh yes

[Kalmado]

Lions hire Rod Wood as new President. He's ran Ford Estates over the last 8 years. They're still looking for a GM. So much for new people taking over.

[Bregor]

Wait, did you draw the playoff bracket in Paint/etc yourself?

Except for Denver Forehead and the cardinal, yup

Lions hire Rod Wood as new President. He's ran Ford Estates over the last 8 years. They're still looking for a GM. So much for new people taking over.

Double phallic name, will immediately dominate the league

[Celeras]

I have to root for the Pats this week, my life sucks.

[AidenCarby]

We don't want any smelly Jets fan on the war wagon. You sir can fuck right off.

[Celeras]

Keep your war wagon, this is the fuck Rex express

[Cail]

Everyone is on the Vikes train with shit as Teddy Gamemanager. You're all gonna bring it down.

Fuck the vikings

[notorious bum]

Ya'll watching this game with the Downy Snuggle's vs the Grey Poupons?

[archibaldcrane]

So for TNF its on NFL network? Any reliable stream sources for this? Can PM.

oh man you are legit the only person in the country who wants to watch the two worst teams in the worst conference go at it

(i'll pm you)

[Rhyis.]

I'm snagging bits of it while being pissed 'cause I'm rocking far too many Jags in my fantasy (and been amazing in every game but this one).