Opening day is today, and we get a full normal season with fans in the seats. But don't get too excited yet, because chances are your team sucks, and I'm going to break it down why.
Baltimore Orioles: You've barely started the tankathon. Got at least 1-2 years of 100 loss seasons before you become relevant for the right reasons.
Boston Redsox: Big market team acting like the A's and trading away anyone decent before you have to pay them.
Toronto Bluejays: If it wasn't for the Yankee's, your team would be the most crippled in the AL East
Tampa Bay Rays: Can anyone not with the organization even name more than 3 starters on your team?
New York Yankee's: It's not a question of if you'll get a full season out of Judge, Stanton, and Kluber. It's if you'll get a full season out of those 3 combined.
Kansas City Royals: Old team with unknown rookies and you just signed your catcher coming off of TJS to a long term contract.
Cleveland Indians: Another team that trades away all it's marketable stars instead of signing them.
Chicago Whitesox: Flash in the pan from a shortened season has you all having illusions of grandeur. Plus your most marketable star destroyed his shoulder robbing a home run in a spring training game.
Detroit Tigers: See Baltimore, but add another year as you shuffled out the decrepid corpse of Miguel Cabrera.
Minnesota Twins: Spent so many years being shitty, that when you do squeak into the playoff's, you pull a Cowboys and think you already won and get swept out. Typically by a Yankee's team that is held together by duct tape, glue, and dollar bills.
Houston Astro's: Losing that garbage can really hurt your offense, didn't it?
Oakland A's: Another case of trading away everyone marketable, keeping you completely irrelevant.
Anaheim Angels: For wasting the best player in the modern era to grace this game, you should be regulated to a minor league affiliate forever.
Seattle Mariners: Great at getting once in a generation talent in Griffey Jr, King Felix, etc. and then pulling an Angels and not assembling a great team behind them.
Texas Rangers: So close to getting the title, only to quickly tear it down for no good reason, and letting the Astro's become the face of Texas.
New York Mets: Your medical staff makes the Yankee's look amazing. The amount of players your team has ruined with injuries is just depressing. Plus they can't even research front office staff properly and fire their GM not even 2 months after hiring.
Washington Nationals: You get a bit of redemption from keeping the Astro's from a 2nd title, but the monkey paw has curled and your super stars are breaking down.
Atlanta Braves: More rookies and aged vets trying to patchwork a starting pitching staff that will again keep your team from realizing it's full potential, unless your offense can start cranking out 7 runs a game.
Philidelphia Phillies: Blowing your budget on Bryce Harper to live in a state of mediocrity is not how you build a winner.
Florida Marlins: Well, at least your new ownership hasn't had another firesale yet.
Chicago Cubs: Another monkey paw curse, causing your team to crater out after finally winning a trophy.
St. Louis Cardinals: The gold standard of mediocrity. Not nearly good enough to win it all, but not bad enough to get some good draft picks to rebuild.
Milwaukee Brewers: Spent the last 3 years abusing your bullpen and now all their arms are going to start falling off. Have fun competing with the Reds for third place and 70 wins.
Cincinnati Reds: See Brewers, but swap for a lack of starting pitching. Giving up 5+ runs a game won't do you any good.
Pittsburgh Pirates: From Mediocre to somehow even worse than Baltimore in a couple of seasons. Your fan's deserve more, but will never see it in their lifetime.
Los Angeles Dodgers: You finally learned your lesson on using Kershaw in relief. Too bad the economy is in the tank, no way you're keeping all those superstars long term.
San Diego Padres: While Tatis Jr. may be the most fun player to watch, fun doesn't equal wins. Until then, you're the Clippers of MLB, without the racist owner.
Colorado Rockies: Sign your best players and then trade them. Bold move Cotton. Hopefully Story has a moving company on speed dial.
Arizona Diamondbacks: Horrible offense, barely any there pitching. I'd say reach for the stars, but even mediocrity is out of reach for you.
San Francisco Giants: Your manager handles a bullpen like how Andy Reid handles time outs. God help you all. At least Yaz can hit.