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  1. #1
    Member since 2006 and still can't think of a title.
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    2021 MLB Thread: Non Asterisk Season Edition

    Opening day is today, and we get a full normal season with fans in the seats. But don't get too excited yet, because chances are your team sucks, and I'm going to break it down why.

    Baltimore Orioles: You've barely started the tankathon. Got at least 1-2 years of 100 loss seasons before you become relevant for the right reasons.

    Boston Redsox: Big market team acting like the A's and trading away anyone decent before you have to pay them.

    Toronto Bluejays: If it wasn't for the Yankee's, your team would be the most crippled in the AL East

    Tampa Bay Rays: Can anyone not with the organization even name more than 3 starters on your team?

    New York Yankee's: It's not a question of if you'll get a full season out of Judge, Stanton, and Kluber. It's if you'll get a full season out of those 3 combined.

    Kansas City Royals: Old team with unknown rookies and you just signed your catcher coming off of TJS to a long term contract.

    Cleveland Indians: Another team that trades away all it's marketable stars instead of signing them.

    Chicago Whitesox: Flash in the pan from a shortened season has you all having illusions of grandeur. Plus your most marketable star destroyed his shoulder robbing a home run in a spring training game.

    Detroit Tigers: See Baltimore, but add another year as you shuffled out the decrepid corpse of Miguel Cabrera.

    Minnesota Twins: Spent so many years being shitty, that when you do squeak into the playoff's, you pull a Cowboys and think you already won and get swept out. Typically by a Yankee's team that is held together by duct tape, glue, and dollar bills.

    Houston Astro's: Losing that garbage can really hurt your offense, didn't it?

    Oakland A's: Another case of trading away everyone marketable, keeping you completely irrelevant.

    Anaheim Angels: For wasting the best player in the modern era to grace this game, you should be regulated to a minor league affiliate forever.

    Seattle Mariners: Great at getting once in a generation talent in Griffey Jr, King Felix, etc. and then pulling an Angels and not assembling a great team behind them.

    Texas Rangers: So close to getting the title, only to quickly tear it down for no good reason, and letting the Astro's become the face of Texas.

    New York Mets: Your medical staff makes the Yankee's look amazing. The amount of players your team has ruined with injuries is just depressing. Plus they can't even research front office staff properly and fire their GM not even 2 months after hiring.

    Washington Nationals: You get a bit of redemption from keeping the Astro's from a 2nd title, but the monkey paw has curled and your super stars are breaking down.

    Atlanta Braves: More rookies and aged vets trying to patchwork a starting pitching staff that will again keep your team from realizing it's full potential, unless your offense can start cranking out 7 runs a game.

    Philidelphia Phillies: Blowing your budget on Bryce Harper to live in a state of mediocrity is not how you build a winner.

    Florida Marlins: Well, at least your new ownership hasn't had another firesale yet.

    Chicago Cubs: Another monkey paw curse, causing your team to crater out after finally winning a trophy.

    St. Louis Cardinals: The gold standard of mediocrity. Not nearly good enough to win it all, but not bad enough to get some good draft picks to rebuild.

    Milwaukee Brewers: Spent the last 3 years abusing your bullpen and now all their arms are going to start falling off. Have fun competing with the Reds for third place and 70 wins.

    Cincinnati Reds: See Brewers, but swap for a lack of starting pitching. Giving up 5+ runs a game won't do you any good.

    Pittsburgh Pirates: From Mediocre to somehow even worse than Baltimore in a couple of seasons. Your fan's deserve more, but will never see it in their lifetime.

    Los Angeles Dodgers: You finally learned your lesson on using Kershaw in relief. Too bad the economy is in the tank, no way you're keeping all those superstars long term.

    San Diego Padres: While Tatis Jr. may be the most fun player to watch, fun doesn't equal wins. Until then, you're the Clippers of MLB, without the racist owner.

    Colorado Rockies: Sign your best players and then trade them. Bold move Cotton. Hopefully Story has a moving company on speed dial.

    Arizona Diamondbacks: Horrible offense, barely any there pitching. I'd say reach for the stars, but even mediocrity is out of reach for you.

    San Francisco Giants: Your manager handles a bullpen like how Andy Reid handles time outs. God help you all. At least Yaz can hit.

  2. #2
    Shimmy shimmy ya shimmy yam shimmy ya
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  3. #3
    Shimmy shimmy ya shimmy yam shimmy ya
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    Minnesota Twins: Spent so many years being shitty, that when you do squeak into the playoff's, you pull a Cowboys and think you already won and get swept out. Typically by a Yankee's team that is held together by duct tape, glue, and dollar bills.
    LOL

  4. #4
    Mr. Bananagrabber
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    Given y'alls recent injury history Yankees gonna be more like Anakin after giving up the high ground

  5. #5
    Shimmy shimmy ya shimmy yam shimmy ya
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    Quote Originally Posted by Krandor View Post
    Given y'alls recent injury history Yankees gonna be more like Anakin after giving up the high ground
    Boone assured me it's just Judge's allergies acting up and he's ready to go for opening day!

  6. #6
    Shimmy shimmy ya shimmy yam shimmy ya
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    Also, on the lolmets front Lindor has turned down a 10year/325mil deal with them and countered with a 12year/385mil with a self-imposed contract offer deadline by opening game.

    It's actually a bit of an overpay in my opinion by the mets and Lindor should've taken it.

  7. #7
    Member since 2006 and still can't think of a title.
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    Five players and a staff member of the Nationals are in covid protocol after a player tested positive.

    Nata didn't get the results till 1am, after they already flew from Florida to DC for their home opener.

    Sent from my SM-G975U using Tapatalk

  8. #8
    Hackey Thread Lurker since 2010
    I could have bought an 11 pull and have 1000 gems left over, but all I got was this silly title.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Melena View Post
    Los Angeles Dodgers: You finally learned your lesson on using Kershaw in relief. Too bad the economy is in the tank, no way you're keeping all those superstars long term.
    I'm laughing because David Price is starting the season in the bullpen. Still has $64M/2 years left on his contract lol. Dustin May took the #5 spot on the rotation.

  9. #9
    I'll change yer fuckin rate you derivative piece of shit
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    Quote Originally Posted by Xno Kappa View Post
    Also, on the lolmets front Lindor has turned down a 10year/325mil deal with them and countered with a 12year/385mil with a self-imposed contract offer deadline by opening game.

    It's actually a bit of an overpay in my opinion by the mets and Lindor should've taken it.
    He just signed for 10/341M

  10. #10
    a p. sweet dude
    Pens win! Pens Win!!! PENS WIN!!!!!

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    Okay BG, I just traded Alec Bohm for Victor Robles in my fantasy league (mostly to do the guy a solid because he really wanted Bohm). Tell me how dumb I am or am't. Also help me find another 1B option because right now my primary first baseman is Paul Goldschmidt.

  11. #11
    Shimmy shimmy ya shimmy yam shimmy ya
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    Quote Originally Posted by archibaldcrane View Post
    He just signed for 10/341M
    God damn! He fleeced an extra 16 mil out of them. That’s basically Fernando Tatis Jr money.

  12. #12

    Sweaty Dick Punching Enthusiast

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    Baseball contracts are fucking insane lol

  13. #13
    Fuck It, I'm Goin Deep Fan Club President
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    Quote Originally Posted by Celeras View Post
    Baseball contracts are fucking insane lol
    MLB and NBA contracts, yea. They are ridiculous

  14. #14
    Hackey Thread Lurker since 2010
    I could have bought an 11 pull and have 1000 gems left over, but all I got was this silly title.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Melena View Post
    Five players and a staff member of the Nationals are in covid protocol after a player tested positive.

    Nata didn't get the results till 1am, after they already flew from Florida to DC for their home opener.

    Sent from my SM-G975U using Tapatalk
    Mets/Nats postponed

  15. #15
    Shimmy shimmy ya shimmy yam shimmy ya
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  16. #16
    Shimmy shimmy ya shimmy yam shimmy ya
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    Damn that gif is tiny

  17. #17
    Mr. Bananagrabber
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    https://www.theringer.com/mlb/2021/4...eries-cy-young

    Please know that this pick comes at great risk to many of my personal and professional relationships. Before this blurb ever ran, I had three people tell me they’d never speak to me again if this happens. Which is peculiar, because I thought Yankees fans were totally fine with their 27 rings, bro. They have no issue with the Mets, bro. The Mets are like a little brother to them, bro. It’s cute when the Mets are good, bro. It’s fun to see some orange and blue in the city for once, bro. The Yankees are still the only real franchise in New York, bro. Please, bro, I swear Gerrit Cole is better than Jacob deGrom, bro. No for real, bro, if Giancarlo Stanton and Aaron Judge could just stay healthy, bro. This is the year Aroldis Chapman locks it down in the playoffs, bro.

    Anyway, LFGM.

  18. #18
    Shimmy shimmy ya shimmy yam shimmy ya
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    lol

  19. #19
    Shimmy shimmy ya shimmy yam shimmy ya
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    Anyways, Gary Sanchez on pace for a 162 homeruns.

  20. #20
    I would prefer not to.
    Moms Spaghetti
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    prediction: the Mets start like 8-2 like they do every year, the yankees start 6-5, mets fans start getting feisty, then we all know what happens next

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