It’s the time of the year where I have to pick up some serious slack in these threads. I do not play the odds and do not know where to look for them. However, if you would like any betting information on any of the games this week, please ask Tyven for his professional advice.
Oakland at San Diego – Carson Palmer returns to San Diego for some fine wine and bitches. San Diego does not have fine wine and bitches, but Palmer is there for them anyways. Last time Palmer was in San Diego, he put on a clinic with the Fore-Headed One. Look for some obscure Raiders wideout and Quentin Jammer to each have a career high number of receptions.
Arizona at Philadelphia – I watched most of Monday nights game on the edge of my seat as I needed Brent Celek to go off. Brent Celek did not go off because Mike Vick hates white people and dogs. As long as Mike Vick is the QB, the great white hope will never reach his full potential. Kevin Kobb may not play, or he may play. Idk, but the dude is awful. I’m sure if he was on the Eagles still, he’d throw it to Brent Celek. Arizona pulls off the upset, starting their long winning streak that will put them in the playoffs over the Atlanta Falcons.
Jacksonville at Indianapolis - [Insert pictures of Peyton Mannings face]
Denver at Kansas City – who cares.
Pittsburgh at Cincinnati – GAME OF THE WEEK
Pacman Jones, Rey Maualuga, and Jermaine Gresham are all returning from injuries this week, just in time to rape some chicks at the bar Steelers. Haters want say that the Bengals haven’t beaten anyone yet, and the real test is the Steelers. Bengals, in their six victories this season, have beaten teams with a combined records of 16-33, whereas the Steelers, the TEAM TO BEAT IN THE AFC have beaten teams with a combined record of 15-34, while losing twice the Joe Fucking Flacco and Matt Schaub.
Bengals gonna sting dey asses.
Buffalo at Dallas – Brains vs Subaverage athletic ability and mild retardation. Brains win. BILLS
New Orleans at Atlanta – Moss would try to have you believe that Matt Ryan is a good quarterback. I’ve told him for years that Mike Smith is the white Marvin Lewis. The Falcons are the Bengals of the NFC, except the Bengals have a good defense and quarterback. How does it feel to give up the future for the 2nd best wide receiver in the 2011 draft?
St. Louis at Cleveland - Nothing can stop Steven Jackson at this point. Not even Phil Taylor from Baylor. Bregor will like this pick, as it brings them closer to being in a position to draft Trent Richardson.
Too bad they’re drafting Landry Jones.
Washington at Miami – Matt Moore is getting hot, and that’s bad news for Mike Shanananahdhfns shitty team. Can he pick a running back? This is ridiculous. They’re going to suck no matter who starts, but at least be consistent for fantasy’s sake.
You dick.
Tennessee at Carolina – Andy Dalton > Cam Juice.
Houston at Tampa Bay – Houston has quietly been winning games by starting Arian Foster over the superior Ben Tate. Maybe if Ben Tate has enough 100 yard games off the bench they’ll wise up and become the dominant force they should be. Houston is handcuffed by Arian Foster’s ability to stay healthy. Get injured you dick. Tampa wins the upset, Arian foster blows 4 hammys.
Baltimore at Seattle - After last week’s emotional win over the Steelers, the Ravens travel out west to face the Seahawks. Seahawks are a different beast at home, and Joe Flacco is certainly flappable. Seattle is 0-3 so far against AFC North teams, which means Baltimore is going to severely underperform once again. Seattle’s rookie CB said AJ Green is the most overrated receiver in the 2011 draft, and runs poor routes. Wait until he has to cover Torrey Smith, who can only one run route.
Detroit at Chicago – This would be a good game if it weren’t for Jay Cutler’s diabetes. I swear it ruins the most perfect Sunday afternoon. The Lions could disappoint after the bye week, but they won’t. My fantasy team says so.
New York Giants at San Francisco – [insert pictures of Eli Mannings face]
New England at New York Jets – New England finally got the fat monkey off its back. The Bills really provided the blueprint on how to beat the Patriots. Tip passes and make them sign over the hill, underperforming has-beens. Ochocinco’s days are numbered until he’s a Raider or until he’s got his own fall lineup on VH1. He’s the black Tyler Perry.
Minnesota at Green Bay – Aaron Rodgers is the only quarterback with a career passer rating of over 100 who cannot complete a third and six. Minnesota is awful and Green Bay is the hottest team playing at home. Aaron Rodgers shouldn’t have to convert many third and six’s so there’s no problem there. Just don’t expect Green Bay to cover.