Originally Posted by
Tricen
I've always been unable to talk about stuff like this with anyone. I'm a pretty objective thinker, very realistic and logical(for the most part) about things. I wouldn't say I'm sad, but I have no motivation or ambition for anything long term. People ask me where I see myself in the future and I just kind of shrug. What I wont tell them is that I really don't care if I'm alive or not. I've always had the mindset that if shit hits the fan then oh well, i'm going to be homeless and probably die from something. It actually just doesn't affect me. I often lay awake in bed at night, unable to sleep, and my brain just keeps thinking about how I'll never amount to anything and never will. I'm incapable of caring about my existence progressing. I will go back and think about all my social gaffes and screw-ups, reliving them and realizing what I did wrong and continue to enforce my mindset of being useless and without worth. I'll think about how my friends or family members are progressing with their lives and becoming fruitful or ambitious and wonder why I can't be like that. Whenever I even try to explain it to anyone, they just say "Just do it" or "Go get some motivation" as if, A: I haven't thought of doing that already, B: I've given up on the possibility of that even happening or C: The whole, not caring about what happens to me. I've never really talked to anyone about this, because it's always sounded stupid and objectively speaking, it sounds pretty lame and pathetic. I don't think I'm able to actually kill myself, but I think about it in depth a lot and the practicality of it. I'm not really sure where this falls in with this topic, I could just be a whiny bitch and first world problems etc? I dunno, like I've said, I've never talked to anyone about it so I don't know what to think.