Major Depressive Episode - Have you had one? What did you do?

[tino_da_bomb]

I hope that in the few months it's been since you wrote the post things are better. I think my biggest fear is being alone. I pushed so many good people away from me too. I was about to push someone away again just because I didn't want to feel again. The potential for hurt is too great. Sometimes I feel it is better to close off your emotions. It saves you pain, but it also keeps you from love and other joys. At this rate, I still feel like pushing them away and just stop trying. Perhaps it is for the best, don't like giving false hope to people.

[gaira]

i've been dealing with major depressive disorder for at least 15 years now, and am just now coming out of an extremely bad low. even trying to put it down in words is still hard, i hate how muddled and disorienting this thing can be.

well, i tried something called neurofeedback this last time which had some benefits certainly, but quit it early because of high anxiety (it involves basically hooking an EEG up to your brain to monitor brainwave frequencies and train them differently). i do really poorly with touch and couldn't stand the guy placing the electrodes on my scalp.

nevertheless, it did help regulate sleep some, and i felt better on first waking up than before. previously as others mentioned waking up was a nightmare. physical symptoms of pain, dry mouth, tingling hands/feet, disorientation, anxiety, blurred vision, etc. now it's not as bad. i can remember thinking that one should wake up refreshed and ready for a new day, but hadn't remembered what that was like to point that i discredited it as a possibility.

the neurofeedback was kind of a last resort, as i'd tried upwards of 10 different types of anti-depressants, been to ER for overdoses several times, and still exhibiting debilitating anxiety (shaking and twitching any time i wasn't confining myself to a dark lonely room).

right now i still don't know how to pick up all the pieces and try to start over yet again, but i'm guessing i will somehow. one thing i have been doing faithfully so far that i am proud of is taking a bike ride daily, and sitting outside to read a book series i enjoy. i watched a movie last night and actually physically laughed out loud at a funny part. it felt alien, almost like i had to allow it to be ok to laugh. but i guess that's progress too.

funny enough, i quit ffxi for probably the 10th time recently too, though i still read the forums here compulsively. not sure how that fits in, but yeah. will try to reread some more responses later on, i'm sure there is good advice here.

[Warudo Ecksu]

Cognitive behavior therapy is more effective and has longer lasting results than pills alone. A good psychologist or psychiatrist will not just prescribe antidepressants and send you on your way.

[Brill Weave]

Cognitive behavior therapy is more effective and has longer lasting results than pills alone. A good psychologist or psychiatrist will not just prescribe antidepressants and send you on your way.

Pretty much this. If they are just prescribing you shit without trying to get to the root of the problem you need to change up your doctors.

[hey]

Honestly, if possible, i'd recommend just seeing a psychiarist for meds, and a psychologist for therapy. Bonus points if you can find a pair who work in the same building, and can talk to each other.

[Meresgi]

Cognitive behavior therapy is more effective and has longer lasting results than pills alone. A good psychologist or psychiatrist will not just prescribe antidepressants and send you on your way.

^

I suffered/suffer from severe depression and anxiety set on even more when I lost my grandmother and father within a year. Best thing you can do is find someone who will do therapy and evaluate your need for pills. Too many doctors will just throw you on meds, and at high doses as well...which you may not need. My doctor started me out on one med at a low dose, upped it slow and if it still didn't have an effect changed the drug I was using and started off at a low dose again, all of this while I was doing therapy as well.

Only shitty thing was after getting off the drugs I had terrible vertigo and shit, but oh well it seems to have helped a bit.

[Airenn]

Eh, for me I just make sure there's not a loaded gun near me and get those annoying childproof pill bottles. Takes care of the immediate threat of suicide and the laziness takes care of the rest, this insuring my life is still intact despite not really wanting it to be.


Laziness. Saves lives.

[Tricen]

I've always been unable to talk about stuff like this with anyone. I'm a pretty objective thinker, very realistic and logical(for the most part) about things. I wouldn't say I'm sad, but I have no motivation or ambition for anything long term. People ask me where I see myself in the future and I just kind of shrug. What I wont tell them is that I really don't care if I'm alive or not. I've always had the mindset that if shit hits the fan then oh well, i'm going to be homeless and probably die from something. It actually just doesn't affect me. I often lay awake in bed at night, unable to sleep, and my brain just keeps thinking about how I'll never amount to anything and never will. I'm incapable of caring about my existence progressing. I will go back and think about all my social gaffes and screw-ups, reliving them and realizing what I did wrong and continue to enforce my mindset of being useless and without worth. I'll think about how my friends or family members are progressing with their lives and becoming fruitful or ambitious and wonder why I can't be like that. Whenever I even try to explain it to anyone, they just say "Just do it" or "Go get some motivation" as if, A: I haven't thought of doing that already, B: I've given up on the possibility of that even happening or C: The whole, not caring about what happens to me. I've never really talked to anyone about this, because it's always sounded stupid and objectively speaking, it sounds pretty lame and pathetic. I don't think I'm able to actually kill myself, but I think about it in depth a lot and the practicality of it. I'm not really sure where this falls in with this topic, I could just be a whiny bitch and first world problems etc? I dunno, like I've said, I've never talked to anyone about it so I don't know what to think.

[RedRed]

I've always been unable to talk about stuff like this with anyone. I'm a pretty objective thinker, very realistic and logical(for the most part) about things. I wouldn't say I'm sad, but I have no motivation or ambition for anything long term. People ask me where I see myself in the future and I just kind of shrug. What I wont tell them is that I really don't care if I'm alive or not. I've always had the mindset that if shit hits the fan then oh well, i'm going to be homeless and probably die from something. It actually just doesn't affect me. I often lay awake in bed at night, unable to sleep, and my brain just keeps thinking about how I'll never amount to anything and never will. I'm incapable of caring about my existence progressing. I will go back and think about all my social gaffes and screw-ups, reliving them and realizing what I did wrong and continue to enforce my mindset of being useless and without worth. I'll think about how my friends or family members are progressing with their lives and becoming fruitful or ambitious and wonder why I can't be like that. Whenever I even try to explain it to anyone, they just say "Just do it" or "Go get some motivation" as if, A: I haven't thought of doing that already, B: I've given up on the possibility of that even happening or C: The whole, not caring about what happens to me. I've never really talked to anyone about this, because it's always sounded stupid and objectively speaking, it sounds pretty lame and pathetic. I don't think I'm able to actually kill myself, but I think about it in depth a lot and the practicality of it. I'm not really sure where this falls in with this topic, I could just be a whiny bitch and first world problems etc? I dunno, like I've said, I've never talked to anyone about it so I don't know what to think.

...This is pretty much exactly the same as me. Only advice I've been given is "push through it", which isn't really that helpful

[Guitarman]

I've always been unable to talk about stuff like this with anyone. I'm a pretty objective thinker, very realistic and logical(for the most part) about things. I wouldn't say I'm sad, but I have no motivation or ambition for anything long term. People ask me where I see myself in the future and I just kind of shrug. What I wont tell them is that I really don't care if I'm alive or not. I've always had the mindset that if shit hits the fan then oh well, i'm going to be homeless and probably die from something. It actually just doesn't affect me. I often lay awake in bed at night, unable to sleep, and my brain just keeps thinking about how I'll never amount to anything and never will. I'm incapable of caring about my existence progressing. I will go back and think about all my social gaffes and screw-ups, reliving them and realizing what I did wrong and continue to enforce my mindset of being useless and without worth. I'll think about how my friends or family members are progressing with their lives and becoming fruitful or ambitious and wonder why I can't be like that. Whenever I even try to explain it to anyone, they just say "Just do it" or "Go get some motivation" as if, A: I haven't thought of doing that already, B: I've given up on the possibility of that even happening or C: The whole, not caring about what happens to me. I've never really talked to anyone about this, because it's always sounded stupid and objectively speaking, it sounds pretty lame and pathetic. I don't think I'm able to actually kill myself, but I think about it in depth a lot and the practicality of it. I'm not really sure where this falls in with this topic, I could just be a whiny bitch and first world problems etc? I dunno, like I've said, I've never talked to anyone about it so I don't know what to think.

First off, you're not abnormal, so get that out of your head. I say that because I felt/feel the same way. What you feel is common. Secondly, It's good you're speaking out, it means some part of you still wants to live.

Unfortunately I don't have any magic cure-all that I can give you. I got out of the funk you're in by sheer stubbornness. One day I just sat up and said to myself "the fuck am I doing? I'm better than this". I'm turning 29 on the 20th of this month, and I can damn well tell you I'm not anywhere near where I wanted to be at this point in my life. No girlfriend, no kids (thank God), no job, which isnt a surprise in this economy, but still. Growing up I always felt like I'd have a wife and kids and a steady career by now. So alot to be depressed about. But that's BS. It's not how life works. You'll get past this point in your life when you're ready to do something about it. Set small, achievable goals for yourself, and allow yourself to feel good for accomplishing them. Don't downtalk yourself.

Just remember; start slow, practice being positive with your self-talk (ungh I hate that word. bleh), And start to struggle with the realization you're a worthwhile person. You'll get better, it just takes alot of work.

[Darkmagi]

God damn, Tricen's post pretty much nailed it for me. I'm in a very similar situation and have been really apathetic for a long time. I wouldn't ever kill myself, but I sure don't care if I were to just die. I don't hate living or anything, I just don't really care about my future. I have suffered some pretty severe depression/anxiety throughout my years, and my brother dying in July has worsened these issues. Feels good to actually talk about this though, as it's not an easy thing to talk about around most people.

[Cream Soda]

If you don't watch the whole thing, watch from 5:00, gotta stay positive!

[Yuri-G]

I hope that in the few months it's been since you wrote the post things are better. I think my biggest fear is being alone. I pushed so many good people away from me too. I was about to push someone away again just because I didn't want to feel again. The potential for hurt is too great. Sometimes I feel it is better to close off your emotions. It saves you pain, but it also keeps you from love and other joys. At this rate, I still feel like pushing them away and just stop trying. Perhaps it is for the best, don't like giving false hope to people.

thanks. the events that triggered my episode are still slowly grinding their way through my life, but I'm dealing with them a lot better. I still have moments of excessive anxiety but they pass, and I'm able to get through them by remembering that they're only temporary. I'm eating better and exercising more than I ever have, and it shows. I still play way too many videogames but eh, one step at a time lol. individual therapy has also done me so much good. it's the only place in the world where I can say anything - and I mean ANYTHING - and know that a) I'll be heard and b) I won't be judged, though I may be challenged.

so thanks. things aren't perfect (it'll be years before I'm back where I want to be) but they're looking much better.

I've always been unable to talk about stuff like this with anyone. I'm a pretty objective thinker, very realistic and logical(for the most part) about things. I wouldn't say I'm sad, but I have no motivation or ambition for anything long term. People ask me where I see myself in the future and I just kind of shrug. What I wont tell them is that I really don't care if I'm alive or not. I've always had the mindset that if shit hits the fan then oh well, i'm going to be homeless and probably die from something. It actually just doesn't affect me. I often lay awake in bed at night, unable to sleep, and my brain just keeps thinking about how I'll never amount to anything and never will. I'm incapable of caring about my existence progressing. I will go back and think about all my social gaffes and screw-ups, reliving them and realizing what I did wrong and continue to enforce my mindset of being useless and without worth. I'll think about how my friends or family members are progressing with their lives and becoming fruitful or ambitious and wonder why I can't be like that. Whenever I even try to explain it to anyone, they just say "Just do it" or "Go get some motivation" as if, A: I haven't thought of doing that already, B: I've given up on the possibility of that even happening or C: The whole, not caring about what happens to me. I've never really talked to anyone about this, because it's always sounded stupid and objectively speaking, it sounds pretty lame and pathetic. I don't think I'm able to actually kill myself, but I think about it in depth a lot and the practicality of it. I'm not really sure where this falls in with this topic, I could just be a whiny bitch and first world problems etc? I dunno, like I've said, I've never talked to anyone about it so I don't know what to think.

just from the tone of your post, I can tell the way you're feeling is not healthy. no one who thinks about suicide on a regular basis is healthy, and that alone puts your life at risk. you may say you wouldn't do it but on a really bad day, or when you're really drunk, who knows? suicide can easily catch you unaware. it's a bitch like that.

but the good news is, you don't have to feel that way. I highly recommend calling your insurance provider and letting them know you'd like to speak to a mental health professional for depression. if you don't have one, google up your local county mental health crisis line or assistance programs. go in and talk to someone, that's all you have to do. it won't fix you right away, but it will get you back on the right track. you'll think "this is bullshit" but after a few visits you'll realize "hmm I don't feel quite as bad... when did that happen?" and it will only improve from there. but you have to make the decision, and as a logical, objective thinker you probably know that.

for what it's worth, you say that you can't talk about stuff like this - but that's the beauty of therapy. it's a space where anything and everything can be talked about, with no shame, no repercussions, no consequences. at first it feels really awkward but eventually you will come to enjoy the ability to unload stuff you never thought you could say out loud without feeling like someone's going to judge you for it. and the best part is, if you feel like your therapist is judging you, you know what you do? you talk about that.

also, please do your best to ignore the opinions and advice of people who say stuff like "just get motivated." statements like that show a profound lack of understanding of how the human brain works. I have a lot of social anxiety and sometimes my friends will say stuff like "just go to talk to someone!" and I always want to say "HOLY SHIT I NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT YOU'RE A GENIUS HOW CAN I EVER THANK YOU???" I don't. but I want to.

seriously. like you wouldn't "just be motivated" if it was that easy? come on, people.

[hey]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pxm-Wy3qz6k&feature=g-u-u

If you don't watch the whole thing, watch from 5:00, gotta stay positive!

HOLY SHIT I NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT YOU'RE A GENIUS HOW CAN I EVER THANK YOU???


This is great advice if you're just upset about some shitty situation. That's not what this thread is about though.

[Manako]

Can look at playing SuperBetter, my friend has done it to deal with his anxiety problems.

http://www.ted.com/talks/jane_mcgoni...s_of_life.html

https://www.superbetter.com/

[Cream Soda]

HOLY SHIT I NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT YOU'RE A GENIUS HOW CAN I EVER THANK YOU???


This is great advice if you're just upset about some shitty situation. That's not what this thread is about though.

Wooooooosh