CDC: There Is No Zombie Apocalypse

**6souls** · 2012-06-04 19:09

http://timenewsfeed.files.wordpress....06/zombies.jpg

Nothing to see here, people. Move along.

Despite a string of grisly incidents throughout North America, the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention declared late last week that there is no evidence of a coming Zombie Apocalypse.

The CDC, based in the Atlanta area, has previously issued promotional materials on how to survive a zombie attack, but these were all “a tongue in cheek campaign to engage new audiences with preparedness messages,” according to a new post on the agency’s website. Following a series of ghastly incidents in Canada, Florida, New Jersey, Washington and Maryland, the organization was actually forced to address (mostly online) concerns about back-from-the-dead monsters feasting on the flesh of the living.

“CDC does not know of a virus or condition that would reanimate the dead (or one that would present zombie-like symptoms),” agency spokesperson David Daigle told The Huffington Post on Friday.

Zombie talk began May 26 in Florida after 31-year-old Miami resident Rudy Eugene stripped off all his clothes, attacked a homeless man and attempted to chew off his face. Eugene, naked and growling, only ceased his attack after police shot him several times, according to eyewitnesses.

A day later, a New Jersey man stabbed himself 50 times, cut out his own intestines and threw them at police. By the end of the week a Seattle man had killed six people, including himself, in a shooting spree that started in a local cafe and a Baltimore student was charged with slaying and eating the heart and brain of his housemate.

To make matters even more suspicious, a bear was caught eating the corpse of a convicted murderer last week in British Columbia, although until we hear otherwise we’ll assume it’s probably not a zombie bear.

http://newsfeed.time.com/2012/06/04/...ie-apocalypse/
http://www.cdc.gov/phpr/zombies.htm
http://newsfeed.time.com/2012/06/01/...y-mail-murder/
http://newsfeed.time.com/2012/05/29/...-main-mostpop1
http://newsfeed.time.com/2012/05/31/...-main-mostpop1
http://newsfeed.time.com/2012/05/31/...attle-shooting
http://newsfeed.time.com/2012/06/01/...-main-mostpop1
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/0...41.html?ref=tw
http://www.theglobeandmail.com/news/...rticle2449797/

**Cail** · 2012-06-04 19:31

aw shucks

**TacoTaru** · 2012-06-04 19:51

That's exactly what they would say if there was an impeding apocalypse!

**Cail** · 2012-06-04 20:05

**Sol-Blackguy** · 2012-06-04 20:12

Just don't let it be those 28 Days Later ones, I'll shoot my goddamn self.

**quannum** · 2012-06-04 20:12

zombie bear

http://memearchive.net/memerial.net/...his-im-out.jpg

**chazzyphizzle** · 2012-06-04 20:18

zombies do not use guns, what a stupid article

**Mabubeezareel** · 2012-06-04 20:20

Is it just me, or am I the only one that doesn't get this whole current zombie pop-culture phenomena?

**Dimmauk** · 2012-06-04 20:33

Originally Posted by Mabubeezareel

Is it just me, or am I the only one that doesn't get this whole current zombie pop-culture phenomena?

It's just you. And you will probably become a zombie first.

**oldoldman** · 2012-06-04 20:36

Originally Posted by Mabubeezareel

Is it just me, or am I the only one that doesn't get this whole current zombie pop-culture phenomena?

Is it just me or is asking "is it just me" and "am I the only one" the same thing? Also it's just you.

**Rhyis.** · 2012-06-04 20:36

**tyven** · 2012-06-04 20:40

i was talking to my nigga mike d, he is a bartender and very out of touch with the world, and today he sent me a text saying "you hear about these zombies" and i am like OF COURSE NIGGER. anyway i told him we should prob be safe because the maryland zombie was more than likely a fluke and he asked why it was a fluke and i said because he was a brother and zombies are a white mans game and then i realized the miami zombie was also a brother. so basically zombies are now a black mans game and they are gonna run faster and jump higher than all of us and our only hope is to swim out into the middle of nowhere and start a water world structure. god bless

**Rhyis.** · 2012-06-04 20:44

Jockin' Mike D to my dismay.

**tyven** · 2012-06-04 20:49

rhyis you are my nigro and not just because you are a true MMA bro, but because you are not one of those imbecile's that thinks the lyrics are "jackin mike d to my dismay" whenever someone sings it like that i am like YOU ARE FUCKING RETARDED YOU RETARD. GOD DAMMIT I HATE YOU

**tyven** · 2012-06-04 20:49

im like "really? you hear this song and you think the girl is just hangin out giving mike diamond a hand job? THATS WHAT YOU THINK? god they are idiots.

**Rhyis.** · 2012-06-04 20:51

Can't deny that jackin' Mike D would definitely give greater dismay though.

**Dimmauk** · 2012-06-04 20:52

Yall never seen Serpent and the Rainbow?

**Mizango** · 2012-06-04 21:23

I have my contingency plans in place. Step your survival game up.

http://www.bluegartr.com/threads/103...=1#post4470034

**Kerberoz** · 2012-06-04 22:27

Originally Posted by Mabubeezareel

Is it just me, or am I the only one that doesn't get this whole current zombie pop-culture phenomena?

Originally Posted by Mabubeezareel

current

When were zombie tales not popular?

**Mizango** · 2012-06-04 23:17

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