2012-13 NFL Week 4: >implying playoff implications

[Bregor]

Over 9000 hours of MSPaint

Green Bay at Seattle (+3) - I don't really see Seattle getting much pressure on Rodgers, and if he has time he'll pick you apart. Packers win and cover.

I may have been dead wrong on why, but I can still blame the scab refs for the outcome, right? RIGHT?!

Took a bath last week, the only games I picked both the winner and the spread correctly were BEARS win and cover, D_A_L_L_A_S wins but doesn't cover, and Cincy and Atlanta getting road wins as dogs. It's a sad state of affairs when your four most reliable teams are led on offense by CUTTY, Red Rifle, Matty Ice, and Tony fucking Romo.

Last week
M/L: 5-11
ATS: 7-8-1

Overall
M/L: 26-22
ATS: 24-22-2


BYE: Indianapolis, Pittsburgh


THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 27TH

8:20pm EDT

Cleveland at Baltimore (-12) - It was an ugly game for my Brownies last week, amassing only 240 total yards at home against a good-but-not-great Buffalo defense. I have reason to be optimistic about the future, as their top four receivers in that game are in their rookie or sophomore seasons. No one in Cleveland cares about winning now, but finding some pieces in the passing game will definitely help the future of the franchise. Ballmurr scab ref'd passed their way to a win in prime time, as only New England's terrible secondary could allow Flacclol to throw for 382 and 3. Rice usually plays pretty well against the Browns, including a 200-yard game last season, so expect a lot from the ground game. Still, I think Cleveland's defense, which has 5 picks and 9 sacks through three games, can hold up well enough to make it interesting. Also, any two-score spread looks dicey, with either the scab refs or the rusty real ones. Ravens win, Browns with the points.


SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 30TH

1:00pm EDT

San Francisco at NY Jets (+4) - I only got to watch parts of three games last week, and saw no highlights, so when I got home from the mountains of western North Carolina the most shocking thing was how in the fuck did San Fran lose to Minnesota? Obviously Akers and CLICK CLACK did their part. But the defense's inability to get off the field really hurt, and the normally efficient offense ended the game with two fumbles, a pick, and two punts. Now they head into a tough road game with the Jets, who needed overtime to dispatch the Reggie Bush-less Dolphins. Throttling Buffalo in the opener was nice, but this is two straight games now that New York's offense has look sluggish, plodding, pedestrian, and downright Shonn Greene-esque. This is my game of the week, not because it will deliver the best football, but it should go a long way to telling us which of these teams is a legitimate contender. I'll take 49ers to win, Jets with the points.

Seattle at St. Louis (+2.5) - Pete Carroll is a lucky guy. He flamed out of the NFL once, then rebuilt his reputation by winning at the easiest recruiting school in the world. "Hey, athletic black guy from the middle of nowhere, come to Los Angeles and get free cars and party with Hollywood starlets and maybe even win some football games that won't get vacated." It's amazing that they don't get every five-star recruit in the country. Anyway, Carroll's incredible luck continued into Monday night, when {REDACTED}. St. Louis was riding high after dispatching RGIII and company, but they crashed back to Earth with a thud, though in all fairness most mortals cannot survive CUTTY and Soldier Field. I do like their defense, and their gamble on Robert Quinn looks like it's paying off, but without any help from a gimpy Steven Jackson and the offense, it's going to be a long day. Seahawks win and cover.

Carolina at Atlanta (-7) - I can't wait until the end of the season when I can quote everyone predicting big things from the Panthers. Hell, even I drank the Kool-Aid a bit when I picked them to win last Thursday. All I learned was that the Giants are a lot deeper than I thought. Anyway, what's there to like about Carolina? Cam's officially on his way to a sophomore slump, and the defense isn't getting stops or turnovers. Atlanta should have no trouble racking up some numbers in the dome, as Roddy and JULIO will be up to their old tricks. What's been most surprising about Atlanta's hot start is their defense, who harassed San Diego for four turnovers and currently ranks fourth in the league in points allowed. I know it's early, but I'm liking them as a Super Bowl favorite. As for this game, I think Cam scams his way to some good rushing totals, but he's thrown five picks in two games against Atlanta. Should be more of the same here. Falcons win and cover.

Minnesota at Detroit (-4.5) - I already touched on the what-the-fuck that ensued after Minny's upset win last week. Beating the most complete team in the league by two scores is nothing to sneeze at, but I'm still not a believer just yet, and probably won't be until their bye week. After that, they face Chicago twice, Green Bay twice, and the Texans in Houston over a six-week period. Still, it's encouraging that Christian Ponder seems to be coming into his own. He's an effective game manager right now, and with some better weapons I could see him making a Pro Bowl here and there. Pop quiz -- how do you gain 583 yards, win the turnover battle and time of possession, have an opponent miss two field goals, score 25 points in the 4th quarter, and still lose? You're Jim fucking Schwartz, that's how. The sneak on 4th-and-1 would have been the worst call of the week if not for Monday night. For all the hype surrounding their defensive line, they failed to sack The Hurt Locker once (though they did force a fumble.) Still, Detroit usually plays well at home, and I think whether Shaun Hill or Fat-Face is lobbing balls up to Calvin Johnson, they score enough. Lions win, Vikings with the points.

San Diego at Kansas City (-1) - I correctly called a Norv Turner choke job last week, but in retrospect, it doesn't sound all that impressive. And even though fantasy albatross Ryan Mathews is back, he lost a fumble and didn't look all that great, with his longest run of the day being only seven yards. I still think they're okay defensively, and shutting down the Matt Cassel-led attack of the Chiefs won't be difficult. As for Kansas City, they finally got a win, although they didn't earn it so much as the Saints gave them an early Christmas present. Jamaal Charles finally went off, but once again, Saints factor. How he fares against an actual NFL defense will be interesting. Neither of these teams scare anybody, and I wouldn't place a bet on this game with wop's money. But I guess I'll take the Chiefs to win and cover.

Tennessee at Houston (-12) - I really thought the Texans would suffer from losing Mario Williams, DeMeco Ryans, and Eric Winston in the same off-season. Credit Gary Kubiak for keeping things stable and becoming the AFC's only 3-0 team. I love their balance on offense, and the secondary is sick. Tennessee tried their damnedest to shit away an easy win last week, giving up 14 points in 18 seconds before going conservative in overtime and letting Jim Schwartz derp it up. Chris Johnson sucked (again) and I'm pretty sure at this point a front four of Dimmy, Rhino, Aiden, and Tweek could bottle him up. I'm wary of that line, but I'm pretty certain that Houston just keeps on rolling. Texans win and cover.

New England at Buffalo (+4) - Losing two games by a combined three points has to be tough for Bill Belichick. Looking up at Buffalo in the standings must be just as bad. After back-to-back games with just one touchdown, I fully expect Tom Brady to go Weapon X Wolvy Berserk style on the Bills. Buffalo has enough problems without worrying about mutant powers, as their top two runners are dinged up, but both are practicing and could be ready to go. They'll definitely need all available hands to produce, because I'm feeling like this will be a shootout. Patriots win, Bills with the points.

4:05pm EDT

Cincinnati at Jacksonville (+2.5) - The past two games are troubling for Cincy, sweating out one-score victories against seemingly inferior opponents. But division games are never gimmies, and playing on the road in DC amid all the RGIII hype is no easy task. The good news is the Christmas Connection has picked up right where they left off, and the defense is getting sacks in bunches. They're still giving up way too many yards, and they have yet to intercept anyone, but this might be a good week to start as Blaine Gabbert has yet to throw one in 79 attempts this season. I don't see the Jags putting up a bunch of points, but the key for them will be locking down A.J. Green and limiting big plays. And frankly, I don't think they have it in them. Bengals win and cover.

Oakland at Denver (-6.5) - You have to give credit to Denver for hanging in there against Atlanta and Houston. After being down 20 in both games, they fought back twice to within one score, and I love that kind of moxie in a team. I'm not sure we've answered any questions about Peyton Manning and his arm/neck strength yet, but as long as he's got this supporting cast, it will be enough. It will definitely be more than enough against Oakland, who made some kind of deal with Al Davis's ghost to beat the Steelers. Don't count on the Raiders scoring on their last five possessions again, as they leave the unfriendly confines of the Coliseum, and Denver is more disciplined defensively. Broncos win and cover.

Miami at Arizona (-6.5) - Cardinals? Of the 3-0 teams, Arizona is the most surprising, and they also have the best resumé. Whether or not they can keep it up will depend on their defense, which has been near perfect thus far. If Kolb and/or The Skelton Key can continue to operate the offense at an average clip, it will be on the ILB tandem of Daryl Washington and Paris Lenon to continue commanding the front seven, because if they hold up, the secondary has enough talent to be something special. I hate to admit it, but Patrick Peterson is downright nasty. (Fuck LSU.) Miami, well, they came close to causing New York City to implode under the weight of pro-Tebow protests. Thankfully, they blew it, and ESPN was too wrapped up in Simultaneous Possession-gate to care that Mark Sanchez fucking sucks. With Reggie Bush potentially sidelined, a tough game for the 'Fins just got near impossible. Take the under for sure, but I'll pick Cardinals to win and cover.

4:25pm EDT

Washington at Tampa Bay (-3) - THE RAHEEM MORRIS HOMECOMING! If New Orleans has the worst defense in the league, Washington might be right behind them. Allowing 31 to St. Louis and 38 to Cincy is pretty bad, and with injuries piling up, I think even JASH can put up some points on them. Of course, it would be easy to rebuild a defense with some early first-round picks in the next few years... but... RGIII EVERYBODY! Also, running Griffin 10+ times a game is going to get him killed, or thrown in jail for dog fighting. Tampa might be the inverse of Washington, with an occasionally good defense, but inept at throwing the ball. Freeman needs to go full Rivers and just start heaving it downfield to VJax and Williams. I think Doug Martin goes off in this game, as he's the type of homerun-hitting back that gives slow, banged-up defenses like Washington's problems. Bucs win and cover.

New Orleans at Green Bay (-7.5) - Aaron Rodgers. Packers win and cover.

8:20pm EDT

NY Giants at Philadelphia (-2) - Welp, Philly's turnovers finally caught up with them. Between Cam's woes in Charlotte and Vick, things look pretty bleak for the veteran black quarterbacks. Of course, that might have been avoided if Andy Reid had given Shady more than 13 fucking carries. The Giants completely dismantled the aforementioned Cam Newton, en route to a 29-point win that enraged all the people smart enough to pick up Andre Brown yet dumb enough to keep him on the bench. (Yes, that was me in two leagues.) This line has me befuddled, I think most people are pretty high on New York right now. Oh well, I won't look a gift horse in the mouth. Giants in the upset.


MONDAY, OCTOBER 1ST

Chicago at Dallas (-3.5) - In an ultimate bout of good versus evil, CUTTY takes on the 'Boys in prime time. I hope Brandon Marshall catches Sean Lee clean on a pitch, because it will end his miserable, overrated life. And if Tampa can sack Romo four times, just think what the BEARS are gonna do. I'm ready for ten full minutes of Gruden-on-Peppers fellatio. Chicago in the upset.

[Cail]

that pic is tremendous
/clap

[Cleverness]

I will remain optimistic about the outcome of any Giants/Eagles game after seeing this happen.

[Cleverness]

Also I love the pic and title

[archibaldcrane]

Posting so it shows in my tappytalk threads. Hopefully my boycott will have been successful by tomorrow.

[Cail]

i forget how awesome coughlin is in that pic

[Abandon]

I expect Vick's ribcage to explode on the field. Oh my GOD, it will be so glorious.

[Tajin]

Should not pick SF and their 20k leagues under the sea on the way to NY.
Maybe we'll reach the stadium next year.

Nice picture is nice.

[Xajii]

forgot to make my picks in eliminator and pick 'em last week, fuck it i give up on that shit

that being said:

ravens over browns - ray rice needs another 200 yd game
niners over jets - joe mcknight is starting at cb, lololol
rams over seahawks - nfc west parity yo
falcons over panthers - the wet napkin panthers defense lets michael turner limp for 3 td
vikings over lions - kinda depends on stafford's status, but something is wrong with detroit this year
chiefs over chargers - kansas city finally starting to put it together
texans over titans - im sad that innegan is no longer around to piss off johnson
patriots over bills - furious tom brady goes super saiyan, gets four roughing the passer calls
bengals over jaguars - a well placed tupperware could contain gabbert
broncos over raiders - we peyton manning now, you concussions now
cardinals over dolphins - terrible opponent adds even more to dumb cards hype train
redskins over bucs - not even sure what to think, i just don't think tb has the weapons
saints over packers - upset special, brees looking to redeem himself and packers offensive line might even let the saints rushers through
eagles over giants - this choice is pending whether or not the eagles can use mccoy the right way, which they have not been.
cowboys over bears - ware with four solo sacks

[Cail]

Adam Schefter ‏@AdamSchefter

RT @LATimesfarmer: Ed Hochuli told me as soon as he found out NFL deal was done, "I dropped down on the floor and started doing pushups."

.

[Ishido]

Hey guys want to read a really long article trying to justify the Seahawk win?

http://lifexinxrewind.wordpress.com/...-referee-crew/

Also it's an iffy call that decided a game. Not the first, not the last.

[Bregor]

that stings bregor, i hope trents knee blows up

Yeah but then I said nice-ish things

[Arvin]

TRENT MVP gonna shake them ravens

[Necronus]

Lockout over .... good times

[Builttolast]

Hey guys want to read a really long article trying to justify the Seahawk win?

http://lifexinxrewind.wordpress.com/...-referee-crew/

Also it's an iffy call that decided a game. Not the first, not the last.

my brain hurts from all that dumbfuckery

[Xajii]

Trent could very well have a great game against the Ravens. They can't set the edge worth a shit without Suggs or JJ.

[Dimmauk]

A dimmy and Rhinox tandem would get Chris Johnson 500 yards a game. Add demo's wife and even demarco murrey would get 100 yards a game.

[Tajin]

>implying they can get off each other dick/throat long enough for a proper snap

[Dimmauk]

Anyone watch South park last night?

[Azull]

Isnt it just time to accept that Chris Johnson is done? He might have a good game here and there, but so do backups. As a top back in the NFL it may be over for him.