2012-13 NFL Week 7: Joe Flacco Is An Elite Quarterback (TOP 10 QB WEEK)

[Xajii]

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Hey guys, it's me, Joe Flacco. I'm the best QB in the NFL and I'm here to take you on a tour of the Top 10 Quarterbacks around the league.

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Oh boy, are we talking Top 10 QBs!?

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Now I don't believe in fancy schmancy stats to back up play. I believe in winning, looking like a deer in the headlights, and having one or two good drives per game. If you want to know third down conversion rates, passer rating out of the pocket, or any other mumbo jumbo like that, you'll have to talk to Aaron Rodgers' PR Manager archibaldcrane.

But without further ado, here are THE TOP TEN QBS IN THE NFL
Writer's Note: These rankings are based with a heavy weight on the 2011 and 2012 seasons, but include some consideration as to the overall career of the players.

10. Matt Schaub, Houston Texans
8th NFL Season W-L Record: 37-35
Lowest percentage of ears in the NFL

Spoiler: show

As Charlie Murphy once said, "this cat can ball." Schaub may not be the prettiest fellow, and he may not have the prettiest pass, but the connection between him and Andre Johnson has been a force to be reckoned with since he arrived on the Texans squad.

With a career plagued by unfortunate injuries, Schaub hasn't had a good chance to prove himself in the postseason just yet. With that being said, we will more than likely get our first glimpse at what he can do with a stacked team that is aiming for glory.

9. Matt Ryan, Atlanta Falcons
5th NFL Season W-L Record: 49-22
Fucking Useless in January
Youngest QB in the NFL at the age of 12

Spoiler: show

Matt Ryan is a like the little brother who is sometimes better at your video games than you. You don't know how, and you don't know why, but every year, he's gotten better and better at making you feel like a fucking faggot for losing to a preteen. When it comes down to it, though, and he gets nervous, he crumbles and falls off the stage 12 times, drives in the wrong direction, and throws the controller.

With receivers like Julio Jones, Roddy White, and Tony Gonzalez, Ryan would have to be parapalegic not to win games. Still, we've seen Larry Fitzgerald collect dust on the Cardinals for years now, so it's certainly possible to suck that bad. Matty Ice has been improving, and although he's laid an egg when it counts as early as last postseason, he belongs on this list.

8. Jay Cutler, Chicago Bears
6th NFL Season W-L Record: 46-39
Suffers from severe tobacco addiction and glucose deficiency

Spoiler: show

Jay Cutler's got more blood sugar problems than Honey Boo Boo come 2015, but that doesn't stop him from being a hell of a gunslinger. When Jon Gruden puts on the stock tunes of a spaghetti western when queueing up the highlight reels, you know exactly who's coming on the screen.

You can call him a whiner, you can call him grumpy, and you can call him a sore loser, but you can't call him bad. For a QB who has hardly hada serviceable tight end or more than one solid WR his entire career, he's done pretty well for himself. If the Bears' offensive line doesn't get him killed, look for Jay Cutler to play the JOE FLACCO to the Bears defense in the postseason.

7. Ben Roethlisberger, Pittsburgh Steelers
8th NFL Season W-L Record: 92-40
Can only rape his lawfully wedded wife now

Spoiler: show

God I hate this fat fuck. For someone who hits the dirt as much as he is, for someone who has to resort to physical force to get it in despite being a sports superstar, and for someone whose own hometown has banned him from bars, he's still a fucking excellent quarterback.

The fact of the matter is that a guy of this size should not be able to move out of the pocket like he can. There's really no explanation as to how Big Ben can avoid a sack and make throws on the move the way that he does while Peyton Manning and Tom Brady are pocket babbies to the bitter end. Only Rodgers and Brees are better in trouble than this guy in that regard.

6. Eli Manning, New York Giants
8th NFL Season W-L Record: 81-55
Full Name is Irrefutably A Female's
Most Likely QB To Undergo Plastic Surgery Later In Life

Spoiler: show

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A lot of people seem to have the impression that Eli Manning has been bailed out by his receivers. With the media overstating the importance of plays like "The Catch" and that other Manningham catch, it's no surprise. But the truth is that Eli Manning makes his receivers look good. He gets the ball into tight windows right over the receiver's shoulder so that they barely have to turn around to make plays.

Eli gets hot at the right time, and this year, that time is the second half. The Manning brothers share a trait in that way. The Giants' schedule is no laughing matter in 2012, so if Eli can bring his team to the playoffs once more, it might be time to start talking about the Hall of Fame.

5. Drew Brees, New Orleans Saints
10th NFL Season W-L Record: 98-69
#1 in the League in Obliviousness Regarding Misbehavior
The Opposite of "Carried By The Defense"

Spoiler: show

Drew Brees holds two of some of the most prestigious records for NFL quarterbacks. With that being said, he's had his fair share of struggles. Brees lost a lot of personal credibility in the offseason when he repeatedly denied the truth regarding his team's shady dealings, and at the beginning of the season, he and his offense really struggled to find rhythm.

But for Drew Brees, it was only a matter of time. You can give him pretty much any kind of player in the receiver positions and at tight end, and he'll make big plays. Consistently. Brees is incredible when pressured and flushed out of the pocket, and he fucking loves the endzone. His Superbowl win in the 2009 season has been, to me, one of the best moments in football in the past decade.

4. Peyton Manning, Denver Broncos
14th NFL Season W-L Record: 153-80
Loves horses and horse-related teams
#1 in the League at SNL Performances

Spoiler: show

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Well, he's back. There's no denying that. Peyton Manning is the first QB in NFL history to throw for 300 yards and 3 TDs with a 70% or greater completion percentage in 3 consecutive games. The Broncos have faced a brutal start to the year schedule-wise, but from here on out, they have the easiest in the league. It looks like we're going to be treated to another Peyton playoff run this year, and with the AFC as weak as it is, it could get interesting.

3. Aaron Rodgers, Green Bay Packers
4th NFL Season W-L: 48-26
Ask archibaldcrane about anything from his passer rating to his cock girth

Spoiler: show

Aaron Rodgers has the best blah blah blah and the most accurate blah blah over the last blah blah. No, but seriously, he's good. You wouldn't think a white boy could run like that, but he do. The only problem I see with Aaron right now is that he needs an o-line to perform at his highest potential. That doesn't mean he can't play without one - it's just that other QBs who haven't had the luxury of a decent line in thier entire career have managed to adapt better than he has. The NFC North is a tough divison this year, and it's already been a rough season for the Pack, but don't be surprised if Rodgers brings them to the postseason once again.

2. Tom Brady, New England Patriots
11th NFL Season W-L Record: 143-44
Highest win percentage in the NFL
Hottest chick to play pro football

Spoiler: show

I won't call him the GOAT, but god damnit, he's at least the llama. Tim Bradley is simultaneously the easiest and hardest person to hate in professional sports. He plays with poise, passion, and at times, with fury. He's been looking a lot more human since the postseason at the beginning of this year, but then again, he also put up upwards of 40 in a half just two weeks back. Like Rodgers, Brady's line is having more trouble than he's used to, and Thomas is a bit of a pocket babby, as I said before.

It would be fucking incredible to see the Patriots lose the divison for once, but it probably won't happen as long as this dude has legs to stand on.

1. Joe Flacco, Baltimore Ravens
5th NFL Season W-L Record: 54-25
Most wins by a QB in first 4 Seasons
Playoff win every year in the NFL

Spoiler: show

Joe Flacco is a fucking retard. He handles the media in the same way that Marion Barber handles the football during his tenure with the Chicago Bears. He grooms himself in the same way that a twelve year-old boy without a father might. He can't check down to the sidelines if his life depended on it. But none of that fucking matters. He's the best quarterback in the NFL.

Joe Flacco wins football games. He's won over twice as may as he's lost, and every year he's played in the NFL, he's won at least one in the playoffs. Earlier this year, he did everything in his power to win the AFC Championship game, and the team around him did everything in its power to fail. This season, Joe Flacco has shown improvement once again. After opening the season with a statement curbstomping of a divisional rival, Joe Flacco took a few weeks off to rest his arm for the upcoming matchup versus the Houston Texans. He was even nice enough to try to give the Kansas City Chiefs a win, but they declined the offer.

For my money, Flacco's got the best deep ball in the NFL. "Overthrow Joe" is slowly fading away, and more and more his deep passes are being broken up at the fault of the receiver rather than the passer. Take Cam Cameron out of the picture, and he'd already have a Superbowl ring.

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Okay, folks, I've got to get back to not changing my newborn baby's diapers and explaining to the media why every position player on my team is the best in the league. If your quarterback didn't make the list, please field complaints to the offices of Adam Schefter by sending Cail a private message. Ta-ta!

WEEK 7, BREGOR SYLE, just kidding who gives a fuck about vegas
0-0 0-0 ATS 1-0 NFL THREADS

Seattle at San Francisco
Tennessee at Buffalo
Dallas at Carolina
Baltimore at Houston
Cleveland at Indianapolis
Arizona at Minnesota
Washington at New York Giants
Green Bay at St. Louis
New Orleans at Tampa Bay
New York Jets at New England
Jacksonville at Oakland
Pittsburgh at Cincinnati
Detroit at Chicago

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Ok, he's more like #6

[Bregor]

8/10 would chuckle again.

[archibaldcrane]

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[Cail]

Better than I was expecting.

this. plus i got name dropped

[Cail]

also beyonce will be doing the super bowl halftime show

[AidenCarby]

Pretty damn funny lol.

[Tweek]

Was good but wtf about "the catch" this is a thing outside SF the catch, the catch II and the debatable catch 3? srs question

[Tajin]

Let me start by saying ya'll fucking faggots for last week's thread.

8.5/10 with bonus points for the pictures.

[Akiyama]

Not bad, bro. Not bad.

[tyven]

NOT BAD AT ALL SIR.

[Roranora]

Loves horses and horse-related teams

nice

[Moss]

Ok, if I have to win one game tomorrow, and I have no idea who the supporting cast will be:

1. Rodgers
2. Brady
3. Manning
4. Brees
5. Eli
6. Big Ben
7. Matty Ice
8. RG3
9. Schaub
10. Romo

[Headspace]

RG3 lol

[Moss]

dude can ball

[Tajin]

I'm sure Vick can be shitty enough to be #10 along with Romo in your shit list. @Moss

[Moss]

Honestly I wanted to end the list at 9

[Moss]

10. [Your QB Here]

[BadKarma]

Hey cmon guys Romo isnt that ba- oh haha wait he is.

[Mertron]

I'm sure Vick can be shitty enough to be #10 along with Romo in your shit list. @Moss

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[Bregor]

Ok, if I have to win one game tomorrow, and I have no idea who the supporting cast will be:

1. Rodgers
2. Brady
3. Manning
4. Brees
5. Eli
6. Big Ben
7. Matty Ice
8. RG3
9. Schaub
10. Romo