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  1. #1
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    2013-14 NFL Week 2: Nic Cage IS Eli Manning IN Face/Off 2: Manning Face

    M/L: 11-5
    ATS: 7-8-1

    For as crazy as week 1 was, I'm pretty fucking happy with those results.


    THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 12TH

    8:25pm EDT, NFL Network

    NY Jets at New England (-12) - Both New York and New England had squeakers on Sunday, kicking last-second field goals to win their respective openers. If there's any lasting effect from the Jets' performance, it's the end of the Mark Sanchez era. Geno Smith didn't put up spectacular numbers, and was sacked five times, but his designed runs and good arm have added a dimension to the offense that Sanchize just can't. They also loaded up on defense and held Doug Martin to 2.7 yards per carry, and I think it goes without saying that as the defense performs, so goes their win-loss record. New England had plenty of problems of their own, with their inexperienced receiving corps struggling to get on the same page as Brady. Kenbrell Thompkins in particular had only four catches on 14 targets, and any hope of Zach Sudfeld becoming the next Gronk should probably be squashed. To make matters worse, Shane Vereen is out with a broken wrist. So why the huge spread? Over the past two years, the Pats are 4-0 against New York, beating them by an average of almost 16 points. To say Bill Belichick is in Rex Ryan's head is an understatement. It's almost like Rex is an obsessed ex-boyfriend, so LET HIM IN THE FUCKING HOUSE! I think New England wins, and probably wins easily. But that spread is a bit too much for me, 9 or 10 sounds a little more reasonable. Patriots win, Jets with the points.


    SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 15TH

    1:00pm EDT, FOX

    St. Louis at Atlanta (-6.5) - Jeff fucking Fisher, y'all. That cat can coach. Never blessed with exceptional talent in Houston/Tennessee, he took them to the playoffs six times and came within a yard of winning Super Bowl 34 (enough with the Roman numerals already) and unseating the Greatest Show on Turf, the Kurt Warner-Marshall Faulk St. Louis Rams. Now in St. Louis himself, he's quickly building a more balanced and hopefully more successful ballclub. On Sunday, the Rams scored 14 unanswered in the 4th quarter to beat a division rival, and Slingin' Sammy Bradford and his offensive line gave up zero sacks (!) playing catch-up. If San Fran or Seattle stumbles a bit, I like the Rams to sneak into the postseason. Conversely, Atlanta was a huge disappointment for me in week 1. I expected them to do more damage in the Superdome than Michael Brown, but with Roddy White limited they had three straight drives stall in the 2nd half while Brees engineered his comeback win. The good news is Steven Jackson averaged 7.0 yards per carry, and White should be healthier this week. I still love St. Louis, I just don't see Atlanta starting 0-2. Falcons win, Rams with the points.

    Carolina at Buffalo (+3) - Even though Geno Smith got the win, EJ Manuel had the more impressive debut. He took care of the football and managed an efficient if not explosive offense. He'll need a lot more help from CJ Spiller going forward, but I like what I see so far. Cam Newton had a similar day to EJ, but we expect a lot more from him. Also the Cats secondary let RussWils carve them up all day, so the end results were pretty disappointing. The good news is the defense bottled up Lynch all day. But the real key for them is stretching the field and getting Steve Smith some help on the outside. Brandon LaFell didn't even have a target last week -- that's on both him and Cam -- and that needs to change if they're going to challenge the better teams in their division. This one's a toss-up for me, so I'll go with the home dog. Buffalo in the upset.

    Minnesota at Chicago (-6) - Everyone saw the 78-yard touchdown run Adrian Peterson ripped off in the Vikes' first play from scrimmage. And yes, he chipped in two more short TD runs. But the rest of his day was 17 carries for 15 yards. If I have him in fantasy, I try to sell him for two or three studs right now. Also, I think QBR is pretty dumb, but Christian Ponder's 20.4 rating on Sunday seems pretty par for the course to me. The best thing about the Vikes all day was JEROME. Speaking of QBR, CUTTY did it to the tune of an 85.7 rating as the Bears overcame a 21-10 deficit to beat the best team on HBO. AJ Green versus Peanut was pretty awesome to watch. Also Lance Briggs is a beast. Chicago always wins when I pick against them, so I apologize in advance. Bears win and cover.

    Washington at Green Bay (-7.5) - The 1st quarter of the Redskins game Monday night was some of the weirdest football I have ever seen. Once the dust settled, Washington was actually quite good offensively. Leonard Hankerson could be in for a big year opposite Pierre Garçon, and Alfred Morris looked like he had the same burst. I still like them to win the lolNFCEast. Green Bay did what Green Bay do, which is Aaron Rodgers beasting and Clay Matthews being a dumb fuck. I'm looking for them to get Eddie Lacy more involved in the passing game, as he had one really nice scamper down the sideline. This will be a shootout, and whoever comes up short is really behind the 8-ball in the early playoff picture. I'm gonna bet on Ryan Kerrigan and Brian Orakpo harassing Rodgers all day, and Bob Triple to have himself a day. Redskins in the upset. (Oh God what am I doing)

    Dallas at Kansas City (-3) - Only D A L S could be +5 in turnovers and still only beat Eli Hurpdurpsalot by five points. The only way to lose to Romo is to out-Romo him, I suppose. Speaking of those turnovers, I'm not sure if Papa Kiffykins' defense caused those, or they were simply lucky to be gifted David Wilson and Eli in week 1. We'll see I guess. Also, Dez: 8 targets, 4 catches, 22 yards. GOAT. I said last week that I really wanted to pick Kansas City for a wild card, but looked at Miami's schedule and went with them instead. Well, I know it's Jacksonville, but the Chiefs looked pretty damn good. Jamaal Charles gonna go off here I think, and I'm liking KC's secondary. Would love to get this down to -2.5, but I'll still take Chiefs to win and cover.


    1:00pm EDT, CBS

    Cleveland at Baltimore (-6.5) - Ugh. Cleland had such a vintage Cleland performance, I dunno if I can take 15 more games of this shit. At least we know Jordan Cameron is a beast, and there's only one more game before Josh Gordon is back. Also, please get TRENT more than 15 touches, you fucking imbeciles. I think the hardest I laughed before the D A L S and Bob Triple debacles was Terrell Suggs "mic'd up" talking about how much disrespek the Ravens are getting. Then Peyton lit them up for seven TD passes. Kill. Your. Self. That said, I'm pretty sure Baltimore will come out swinging against a familiar punching bag. Those Dallas Clark and Brandon Stokley targets aren't helping anything, and Jacoby Jones is dinged up, so hopefully Joey Flaxxx can find undrafted free agent Marlon Brown in the passing game. I'd take under 43.5 for sure. As for the game, Baltimore wins, Cleveland with the points.

    Miami at Indianapolis (-3) - It took Miami a bit to wake up, but in the 2nd half they started stretching the field on Cleveland. And while Mike Wallace didn't haul in those bombs, they opened up the middle of the field for Brian Hartline and Brandon Gibson to do some work. If either of their plodding running backs can get going, I really like them to take a big step forward, because the defense is ready for prime time. Between last year and week 1, Indy is the LUCKiest team in the league. LUCK. GET IT? Needing a 4th quarter TD drive to beat Oakland isn't a great omen for your football future, but they did have good balance on offense, and LaRon Landry had 15 tackles from the safety spot (!) although that's probably not a great thing either. At some point, the Colts will come crashing down. Whether or not it's this week, we'll see I guess. Miami in the upset.

    San Diego at Philadelphia (-7.5) - Don't ever change, PRivs. You give us gif-able moments and soul-crushing picks in the same game. So generous. So derpy. We all know what Chip Kelly and the Iggles did in DC, but we also know that they'll collapse because college coaches never work out in the NFL. Honestly, I feel like their defense still sucks, and good defensive teams will be able to gameplan for the hurry-up option attack. San Diego, however, is not a good defensive team. Eagles win and cover.

    Tennessee at Houston (-9) - For all the retard fights on week 1, Pittsburgh and Tennessee might have had the worst and most boring contest. Jake Locker sucks, so Chris Johnson sees eight or nine guys in the box all the damn time. The defense did shut down the Steelers sans their best offensive lineman, running back, and tight end, so... lol. Houston is mediocre at best, which is enough to win this game and their shitty division. I do like Ben Tate to get more touches as the year goes on, so I'm glad I stashed him on a few of my teams. Texans win, Titans with the points.


    4:05pm EDT, FOX

    Detroit at Arizona (+1) - National Lions talk! Stat Paddford still sucks, Suh is literally a sociopath, and Schwartz will be out of a job by New Year's. Arizona's offense needs a little work, but Fitzgerald will beast with an actual quarterback, and Andre Roberts and Michael Floyd look like a nice little tandem to compliment him. Also, just for Mossy, HONEY BADGER. Cardinals in the upset.

    New Orleans at Tampa Bay (+3) - Tough game for me to pick here. One game is simply not enough for me to declare New Orleans "back," even if their coaching staff being at 100% is obviously a huge improvement over last season. That defense is still putrid, and the fact that 2Points couldn't do more against them is just pathetic. I do like how Sproles looked though. As for Tampa, they lost to the Jets. Can I blame Raheem Morris for that too? Saints win and cover.


    4:25pm EDT, CBS

    Jacksonville at Oakland (-6) - The London Jaguars are just a cruel joke devised by Roger Goodell to punish NFL writers, right? Like, what the fuck can you say about them? I give up. Key to success in the NFL; step 1: acquire Matt Flynn, step 2: acquire talented but overlooked minority quarterback, step 3: ????, step 4: profit. Terrelle Pryor actually looked good in his debut, and the Raiders defense was able to get to Luck to the tune of four sacks. They're not good, and in the NFC they'd get trucked. But as AFC teams go, they're okay. Raiders win and cover.

    Denver at NY Giants (+4.5) - FACE/OFF 2 is going to blow the roof off the box office! MANNING versus MANNING! Also, that "football on your phone" thing is really fucking stupid. You're not Andy Samberg, Eli, shut the fuck up. When you look up, "How not to handle young running backs," there should just be a picture of Tom Coughlin's dadgummit face. On the plus side, for having six turnovers, the Giants defense really did play pretty well to keep them in the game. But it won't matter, because the Broncos are going to score 50 points a game and DEMARYIUS is going for 2000/30. Denver's early schedule is a joke, and then once Von Miller is back, it's going to get ugly. Broncos win and cover.



    8:30pm EDT, NBC

    San Francisco at Seattle (-3) - You all know these teams and these games by now. So I'm just going to cut to the chase and say I'm in favor of Seattle-

    http://assets.sbnation.com/assets/15...arbaughlol.gif

    For being at home, and having RussWils plus a secondary that can actually cover Boldin and Click-Clack, you Goddamn psychopath. Seahawks win and cover.


    MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 16TH

    8:30pm EDT, ESPN

    Pittsburgh at Cincinnati (-7) - Pittsburgh might be the worst team in football, and that makes me deliriously happy. Everyone on their roster either sucks dick, is hurt, is a date rapist, or makes terrible shampoo commercials. Not exactly a recipe for success. Cincy is going to bounce back strong after losing to CUTTY and PNUT, and the young weapons Eifert and Gio should have good games. Bengals win and cover.

  2. #2
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    tl;dr

  3. #3
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    Packers starting 0-2 would be absolute tits.

  4. #4
    C A P S UNLEASH THE FURY
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    what a terrible thread title

  5. #5

  6. #6
    The Anti Miz
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    the only posts i read anymore are ones with gifs

  7. #7
    The Anti Miz
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    and by that i mean i look at the gif and move on. save your words

  8. #8
    THIS IS BREGOR'S STORY
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    Quote Originally Posted by Chun Liroy View Post
    tl;dr
    Quote Originally Posted by Xajii View Post
    what a terrible thread title
    Quote Originally Posted by tyven View Post
    and by that i mean i look at the gif and move on. save your words
    http://assets.sbnation.com/assets/1565891/riversmad.gif

  9. #9
    The Anti Miz
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  10. #10
    THIS IS BREGOR'S STORY
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  11. #11
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    Quote Originally Posted by tyven View Post
    the only posts i read anymore are ones with gifs
    http://cdn2.sbnation.com/imported_as...ers_medium.gif

  12. #12
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    NYJ over New England: The Patriots look like shit. There's no getting around that. Their best 2 position players are now injured on offense, leaving Brady to throw to... Kembrell Thompkins? Uhh... ...Hommanuauwai? I know the Ravens have it bad there too, but damn. You got to hope Ridley can show up and play, but I ain't high on him either. Then let's look at the Jets - Geno Smith actually not sucking too badly and the defense getting in work. This upset is happenin'.

    St. Louis at Atlanta: This could be a good game, but the Falcons are a little too stacked on the match-ups. Janoris Jenkins alone can't cover JULIO, Roddy, Tony G, and Douglas.

    Carolina at Buffalo: The Panthers just stayed in an entire game with a team that has almost unanimously been considered within the league's Top 5. I expect them to demolish the Bills. Cam is going to shake his rust off much earlier this season than he did the last, I think. The only thing that really hinders Carolina from being a contender is their god awful coaching. The horrible misues of 3 solid RBs is just unbelievable. But it's not so bad that they can't take out Buffalo.

    Minnesota at Chicago: Blowout. There isn't a single match-up in this game that favors the Vikings.

    Washington at Green Bay:This could be quite close. If RG3 can overcome the mental hang-ups that had him sucking for 3 quarters, he can probably match Rodgers in a shoot-out with the current GB defense. Hankerson is showing up to play and I have no reason to believe he can't do so against the Packers defense as it stands. That being said, the Redskins secondary is awful. This game depends on wehther Aaron Rodgers can release the ball quicker than he's used to, because Kerrigan, Orakpo, and friends are looking good, and they WILL get to him. I still like GB - just don't think Rodgers is a lose-2-in-a-row kinda guy.

    Dallas at Kansas City: Jamaal Charles is fixing to take advantage of a defense that is still trying to get its shit together. We didn't see what they have against the run at all on Sunday night, and I'm not thinking it is going to be pretty. Chiefs defense is strong and Andy Reid knows Dallas. Let's see if Dontari Poe can put his money where his mouth is.

    Cleveland at Baltimore: I thought the Cleveland o-line was going to be a strength, but it looked like anything but that in Week 1. If they don't get their shit together, they face a similar front 7 to Miami's on Sunday. The Browns don't have to worry about covering too many people, but Marlon Brown might surprise them enough to mix things up, and Ray Rice is probably going to have a big game here. Expect lots of Leach. Also, I'm hoping we see what Kyle Juscyzyk has to offer in this game, if we take any sort of lead.

    Miami at Indianapolis: The Dolphins are looking good. Brian Hartline has quietly been a consistent and reliable target for both possessions and scores. Tannehill should have very little opposition driving down the field, and we may get to see a little bit of a run game out of Miami for the first time, too. Luck will probably throw 2 picks.

    San Diego at Philadelphia: The Chargers had no answer to an offense that devolved into a "HUCK IT TO AJ80" game plan. The Eagles are going to have a fun time manhandling at home. Expect McCoy to whisper his own last name in Eric Weddle's ears as he jukes by him, triggering flashbacks of Ray Rice.

    Tennessee at Houston: It would be nice to see the Titans pull this one out, but we all know that isn't happening. The Texans will probably manage to make themselves look shitty in the process of winning this game, though, as they did on Monday night.

    Detroit at Arizona: Reggie Bush, baby. Just what the doctor ordered. Pettigrew is a god damn embarrassment of a TE but it doesn't matter. Calvin Johnson got Calvin Johnson Ruled but it doesn't matter. Suh is a dirty piece of shit who is a disgrace to the league but it doesn't matter. Cause Reggie gettin his.

    New Orleans at Tampa Bay: Schiano is a shit coach and will find a way to fuck this up even though on paper I think I like TB better. Revis doesn't affect Brees nearly as much as he would other QBs - expect Kenny Stills to shine.

    Jacksonville at Oakland: Maybe Terrell Pryor will stop crying since he gets a gimme this week

    Denver at NY Giants: lol. Flashbacks to Peyton chokeholding Eli in the unfinished basement as kids with Eli slapping the ground grunting "uncle, uncle!" gg

    San Francisco at Seattle: Seattle did not look good at all on Sunday, and they're facing a better team. At this point I pretty much trust Jim Harbaugh to recognize how to adjust the offense. Boldin won't get 200 yards, but Harbaugh will find a way to get Kaepernick pushing 350 I think. Russ Wils is gonna have another ugly game.

    Pittsburgh at Cincinnati: The Steelers are so fucking bad and I love it

  13. #13
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    These predictions are good.

    You are good. Sir.

  14. #14
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    Poor derrick

  15. #15
    The Anti Miz
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    no one reads the OP predictions and somehow even less people read Xajii's

  16. #16
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    Quote Originally Posted by tyven View Post
    no one reads the OP predictions and somehow even less people read Xajii's
    lol

  17. #17
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    Quote Originally Posted by tyven View Post
    no one reads the OP predictions and somehow even less people read Xajii's
    I DO THIS FOR MYSELF NOT FOR YOU

    also bregor i read about 60% of your predictions

  18. #18
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    Quote Originally Posted by tyven View Post
    no one reads the OP predictions and somehow even less people read Xajii's

    Goddamn lol

  19. #19
    THIS IS BREGOR'S STORY
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    Quote Originally Posted by Xajii View Post
    I DO THIS FOR MYSELF NOT FOR YOU
    ME TOO BROTHER

    Quote Originally Posted by Xajii View Post
    also bregor i read about 60% of your predictions
    I'LL FUCKIN TAKE IT

  20. #20
    The Anti Miz
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