So yesterday I was walking back to my office from the snack store in the building when I overheard two guys talking about the Washington Redskins. One of them was wearing an authentic Chris Cooley jersey. To work. On a Monday after the team got clapped by the Packers. Of course they were talking about Robert Triple, but the conversation switched to benching him because they believe his knee is not 100%. Then, amazingly, I heard the following line:
"Yeah but what happens if Cousins wins next week? And he plays well?"
Yes, gentle Redskins fan, WHAT HAPPENS? What manner of chaos theory, butterfly effect, unholy fate could Kirk Cousins visit upon the world, no, the universe, were he to perform well in a Washington victory? Would Shanahan be forced to ignore every scout, statistic, and piece of game film that tells him Griffin is the better quarterback? Would teams trade their entire 2014 draft for KC1? Would we execute Griffin for being unworthy right there on the spot? Slit his throat like that English Big Ben wannabe in Braveheart, or throw a hood over his head and drop him from the gallows a la Saddam? Who knows! What embarrassment of riches would the Washington Injuns receive for having the two best quarterbacks ever created on the same team? He's Kirk Cousins! Not only will he lead Washington to the playoffs while under center, he's probably the best defensive player on the team too! Put him at safety! Or linebacker! What happens if the Redskins win every game 84-0? Does Roger Goodell disband the NFL? Think of the possibilities!
I hate NFL fans, and I really hate Redskins fans. You're all terrible and probably racist.
Last week
M/L: 14-2
ATS: 9-7
Overall
M/L: 25-7
ATS: 16-15-1
THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 19TH
8:25pm EDT, NFL Network
Kansas City at Philadelphia (-3) - Unlike week 1, the Kansas City AndyReids didn't have an easy time offensively on Sunday. But they took care of the football against a DALS defense that had turned over the Giants six times, and their own defense contained everyone not named Dez en route to a squeaker win in their home opener. They're not a great team, but they've already equaled their win total from last season, and given their schedule they could win 9 or 10 games. The Philadelphia NotAndyReids are having early success with their speed option offense, putting your defense back on the field more quickly is probably not the best plan. They've given up the second-most passing yards in the NFL and it's not like they're facing the best gunslingers in the world either. DeSean Jackson is probably going to break all kinds of Eagles records, but who gives a shit. Chiefs in the upset.
SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 22ND
1:00pm EDT, FOX
Arizona at New Orleans (-7.5) - Arizona has held its own against two tough opponents to open the season, and the talent they have on defense is evident. As Plow pointed out, and as college football fans already know he's capable of doing, Tyrann Mathieu played a 4th-and-4 slant route perfectly, stopping Detroit's comeback attempt and securing the win on Sunday. If they can continue to develop him into a top defensive back, look out for him and Patrick Peterson to be ridiculously good together. Before the season started, I dismissed all the pundits predicting big things from the Saints this year. "But that defense!" I would cry out, to no one in particular. But so far, the N'awlins is looking forward:
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Well, sort of. They're 2-0, and while the defense is performing much better, the electricity they had two years ago doesn't seem to be there. Their schedule is rough, but Atlanta doesn't look so hot either, so the division is theirs for the taking. Saints win, Cards with the points.
Green Bay at Cincinnati (+2.5) - This line opened at (-1) and is bound to move more by week's end. Green Bay is getting its cred back for jumping out to a 31-0 lead last week before Bob Triple figured out how to score against their weak ass defense (PROTIP: Throw the ball downfield). I hate betting on midget receivers to sustain their production, but Randall Cobb is clearly quite good, and I love Jordy Nelson and he looks healthy. Cincy might get docked style points for plodding their way past Pittsburgh last night, but division games get weird sometimes (see: MIN-CHI) and I don't see AJ Green being held under 50 yards again too many times this year. This should be an old-fashioned shootout, with plenty of big passing plays and sacks, and in that regard I think Green Bay has the advantage. The Bengals didn't get to CUTTY at all in week 1, and only sacked Big Ben twice last night. AR12 has shown the ability to shrug off multiple pressures and sacks, and still put up plenty of points. I still love Cincy, but I gotta take the Packers to win and cover.
NY Giants at Carolina (-1.5) -
I like to imagine Eli saying, "Gawh, consarnit!" every time I watch this. You can't fault the Giants defense for their early season woes. The offense has committed 10 turnovers (!) and based on yardage the D hasn't been that bad. They'll need to get the run game going eventually, but I like them to hit that next gear more than any other team in the NFC Least. As for the Carolina Kuechlies, I mentioned last week that they need another target in the passing game besides Steve Smith and Greg Olsen. Ted Ginn had a nice long touchdown grab, but when you're relying on Ted Ginn for offense, you're in trouble. Cam needs to be more accurate and his receivers need to get down the field, or else they're in trouble. They also can't allow 436 yards of offense to a team like Buffalo and expect to contend. Look for David Wilson to finally have a good game and keep the ball off the turf. New York in the upset.
St. Louis at Dallas (-4) - Sunday's game was like far too many recently for the Rams; fall behind early, force Bradford to throw too much, lose. The good news is they're keeping Slingin' Sammy upright, but the pass defense looks like it's taken a step backward from last season. That's something they'll need to address if they want to contend in the NFC West. DALS is who we thought they were, which is a mediocre team getting too much coverage in the press. It shouldn't be a surprise since they've been that since Monica Lewisnky blew Clinton, but here we are. They're a contender to win the division, in the sense that every team in the shitass NFC East is, but they have a rough road ahead with Denver, at San Diego, and at Detroit in the midst of their division schedule. If they lose this game, they could realistically be looking at a 2-6 start, which would be delicious. Unfortunately I don't think it's going to happen. Cowboys win and cover.
Tampa Bay at New England (-7) - Tampa Bay gave up more points to Geno Smith and the Jets than Drew Brees and the Saints. Chew on that for a second. In all seriousness, the Bucs defense is really good, but Josh Freeman just looks plain lost. It might be time to Collapse for Clowney or Bomb for Bridgewater or Muck for Manziel or whatever. Speaking of the Jets, New England only beat them by three, after only beating Buffalo by two. Chew on THAT for a second. With Amendola out and Aaron Dobson stealing Jermichael Finley's hands, who knows when the Pats will get it going. But if they keep facing feeble opponents like this, who cares? Patriots win, Bucs with the points.
Detroit at Washington (-1.5) - Detroit is back, guys! Really! No, really! (I love this bit and I'm gonna keep doing it, fuck you.) As I've said many times before, all the Lions are is stat-padders and a God-awful head coach. Oh, and a complete sociopath:
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As much as I'd like to experience the schadenfreude involved with an 0-3 Redskins start, they're simply too talented on offense to keep stalling in the 1st halves of games like this. And as bad as they've looked defensively, they opened the season against the two teams who might lead the league in points and yards this season. I'm sure Calvin Johnson will get his, but they should be able to contain the rest of the Lions offense. Redskins win and cover.
1:00pm EDT, CBS
San Diego at Tennessee (-3) - Raise your hand if you thought you'd see San Diego averaging 30 points and PRivs 300 yards passing per game. Cail, put your hand down. They should be 2-0 right now if not for a classic PRivs Deion in week 1, but frankly I'm not buying any sort of sustained success for the Bolts. They're this year's Arizona to me. Tennessee could also be 2-0 after pushing Houston into overtime, but I don't really like them any better. Despite some talent at wide receiver, the Hurt Locker averaging under 6 yards per attempt and under 10 yards per completion. He'll need to start going downfield to stick around in the NFL, because the line for scrub dink-and-dunk losers starts right behind Hee-Haw McCoy. I'll take the Titans to win and cover on another PRivs derp moment.
Houston at Baltimore (+2.5) - I don't want to write Houston off as being lucky. They've earned both of their victories in impressive comebacks. But putting themselves in that position in the first place is troubling, and I just think they've always been a bit worse than most people think. Baltimore always gets in slugfests with Cleland, and I think they're a lot better than they showed in Denver. Once they get the ground game going, I think they'll be fine offensively, although Ray Rice's hip flexor injury could put that on hold. This should be a good one, or at least a close one, but I like the Ravens to gut out a win here. Baltimore in the upset.
Cleveland at Minnesota (-6.5) - Once again, the Browns defense was excellent through 2+ quarters on Sunday. And once again, the offense shit the bed until their opponent actually put together a few drives. It won't get any better this week because WEEDEN sprained his thumb and could be out for a few weeks, leaving the reins to Jason Candle Campbell or Brian Hoyer. Yes, that Brian Hoyer who actually started a game for Arizona last season. Chud, just fucking sign Greg McElroy and win this terrible division already. Minny only managed one offensive touchdown against Chicago, but was winning by six with 10 seconds left until Black Unicorn did his thing. That offense is just tough to watch, and Pizzaface Ponder had a petition (link) started to remove him from the starting gig. If you like three yards and a cloud of dust, watch TRENT WILLIS MCGAHEE LOL and Adrian Deterson plod their way through this one. Otherwise, stay far, far away. Vikings win, Browns with the points.
4:05pm EDT, FOX
Atlanta at Miami (-1.5) - Atlanta finally figured out how to get over their early season drowsiness. It's called "target JULIO 14 times." But with Steven Jackson hurt (shocker) I wonder how dynamic they can really be offensively. Well, we waited, and now Miami is actually a very good football team. After taking the lead over Indy in the 3rd quarter, they shut them down on three straight drives and secured the win. Ryan Tannehill is learning how to be more efficient (even if he hasn't learned who's in what division yet) and I absolutely love their defense. Dannell Ellerbe looks like he'll really excel and if Brent "Grimey" Grimes can stay healthy, they'll be one of the top units in football. This might be a popular upset pick for some people but I'll take the 'Fins to win and cover.
4:25pm EDT, CBS
Buffalo at NY Jets (-2.5) - They're no RussWils and Bob Triple, but EJ Manuel and Geno Smith are off to decent starts to their NFL careers. Manuel has the benefit of some good offensive pieces to work with, and Buffalo has made strides in defending the pass. Geno doesn't have as much talent around him (which is saying a lot) and if I'm a Jets fan I don't get my hopes up too much for that many wins this season. New York's defense has played really well but let's see how they handle Atlanta and New Orleans before we jump to any conclusions. I guess I'll take the Bills in the upset.
Indianapolis at San Francisco (-10.5) - Indy lost a close game at home, something they hadn't done since week 3 last season (to fucking Jacksonville no less). Their inability to stop the pass could really hurt them this year, and their offensive line doesn't really get me fired up. I still think they miss the playoffs. Resident psychopathic coach Jim Harbaugh is probably all hot and bothered about the ass-slap Richard Sherman gave him Sunday night, and he'll come out firing on all cylinders in this one. With CLICK-CLACK hurt and Frank Gore averaging 2.0 yards per carry, the Krapper is gonna have to do this all on his own on offense. Which he will. Defensively, losing Ian Williams hurts after letting Isaac Sopoaga walk, but they'll still beast. 49ers win, Colts with the points.
Jacksonville at Seattle (-19.5) -
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WHAP! I'm torn here, because even though this seems like a 50-0 rout in the making, huge spreads (17 or more) only hit about one-third of the time. But I'm feeling it in this one. Seahawks win and cover.
8:30pm EDT, NBC
Chicago at Pittsburgh (+2) - I'm giving Chicago a pass for letting Minnesota hang around. Their turnovers weren't the old "Cutty passes directly to the safety" kind, and the defense was able to hold in the red zone like a boss. Nothing is going right for Pittsburgh. My two best friends consist of one Steelers fan and one Dolphins fan. On Sunday they were arguing about Big Ben versus Tannehill, and the fact that that is even a debate tells you all you need to know about the current and future Steelers. Once Troy Polamalu ded by week 9, there is literally no one worth watching. Chicago wins and covers.
MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 23RD
8:30pm EDT, ESPN
Oakland at Denver (-14.5) -
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Still the player gif of the year all years. Carroll and Harbaugh win for coaches though. I do like what Oakland is starting to do, but this one 'gon be ugly. Broncos win and cover.