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  1. #1
    Eli Manning is my Lord and Savior
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    2013-14 NFL Week 10: Where the rules aren't made up and NO SURVIVORS!

    http://blogs.sun-sentinel.com/sports...-ap-photo1.jpg

    Some of you may recognize this man as Matt Flynn, that QB from that 1 Lions game who scored less touchdowns than Nick Foles did against an equally bad team. Some of you might be thinking "Why are we talking about Flynn, wasn't that Lions team one of the worst at pass defense?", but we're not here to talk about facts, we are here to talk about the magic that is Matt Flynn. Yes you heard me, magic. This man is magical, in that he makes the QB on the teams he is on better. Want proof? GOT YOUR PROOF RIGHT HERE.

    He was drafted in 2008 by the Packers. Now, I don't need to regurgitate ARod stats for you, archi has done that practically everyday. He was dickriding ARod before it was cool so I think we can all agree ARod is pretty good. And when did the Packers win the Super Bowl? Oh that's right, 2 years after Flynn blessed their presence. Now you might be saying "His only SB experience is having a front row seat on the bench, you aren't making any sense." Maybe. Maybe. But let's look further. He becomes a free agent and having won 1 NFL game, he was apparently a highly sought after QB(meanwhile Tebow wins like 8 and noone wants him still except the AFC East apparently) and signs with the Seahawks. We all thought he was gonna start. But no, they already knew what he was good for. Russell Wilson was named the starter, and all some of us knew about him is that his girlfriend looks insane. We questioned it, but look at Russell now, one pretty good QB in what is one of the top NFC teams this season.

    So surely at this point it must be coincidence, but no. He gets traded to the Raiders, where by default we believe he will start because the other QBs would probably get knifed in the parking lot. Oakland is kind of ghetto. But still he doesn't start. For the Raiders. The team that drafted JaMarcus Russell. Pryor eventually starts after being exposed to the Flynn magic and he's looking pretty good.

    He's then next seen in Buffalo, a team with about half the roster in QBs this season(give or take). Surely, NOW, his time to shine will come right?...Right?...Right? Oh, what's that? Buffalo's a pretty strong team now even with the QB circus, and EJ Manuel, who showed alot of great things before his injury, and is now cleared to practice and possibly play this week, leading to Flynn getting released? MAGIC.

    Matt Flynn is merely the catalyst to making your team better, he's like that guy at the party who laughs at your shitty jokes or runs wingman/wingwoman for you while you hit on the hot guy/girl. He is the awkward third wheel. But you need him, because not all of us are blessed with QBs who make stupid faces that aren't injured often. Some of us, like the Vikings, could use someone like Flynn to grant Ponder the powers he needs to rise to the level of average that'll help him keep his job and stop blaming him for the rest of his teams shortcomings. He's the QB we deserve, but not the one we need right now. So we'll sign him to teams and not play him, because he can take it. Etc etc.

    I'm not doing spreads, Bregor can handle that shit

    Thursday Nov 7th
    8:25PM ET

    Pilgrims at Vikings - Thursday night games tend to suck, and this is no exception. The Washington Pilgrims are getting slightly better each week and looking more like the team they were last season, and the Vikings are looking more like the trainwreck that was Favre's last season. These teams are still pretty mediocre but the Redskins have the advantage of beating a good Chargers team last week, while the Vikings locker room seems to be losing faith in the coaching staff, who seem like experts by placing a recently traded Josh Freeman as starter in a MNF game. Pilgrims to win.

    Sunday Nov 10th
    1:00PM ET

    Eagles at Packers: I really want to pick the Packers here, for reasons that are obvious, but Foles coming off what is literally one of the best QB games in NFL history, and the Packers probably starting Seneca Wallace, leave me thinking the Eagles can win this.

    Jaguars at Titans: The Jaguars are probably going to be winless this season and that's not something I wish on anyone except Schiano, but they are just a horrible team and I dunno if they could even beat anyone this season except maybe the Vikings starting Freeman again.

    Bills at Steelers: Bills are a pretty balanced team right now as I've said before, and in their losses they played really well still. EJ Manuel should be back this week, but even if he's not, the Steelers suck. If the Steelers lose again, except Mike Tomlin to remove their TV privileges and restrict nap time as punishment.

    Raiders at Giants: After starting 0-6 certain sites mentioned that Coughlin was on the hot seat. Meaning this is the year the Giants win another Super Bowl. They are coming off 2 wins and a bye and are going against an equally bad Raiders team, main unknown element is Pryor. He's shown some rookie elements about himself but he's still made impressive plays when he's on the field, and the Giants D is pretty awful right now. This game could really go either way since the Giants are awful but I'm gonna go with the homer pick.

    Rams at Colts: Having had access to Jets games during the whole Clemens/Pennington era, I can assure you that I have no faith in him, and neither should you. Even if he somehow wins this game, I won't fall for it. The Colts are a strong team this season and barring something happening to Luck, I'm interested to see if they will go 1 and done again.

    Seahawks at Falcons:
    I'm sorry Moss.

    Bengals at Ravens: Ravens are so Super Bowl drunk it hurts to look at, although I'm pretty sure Xajii called this happening with all their offseason 'moves' months ago. Bengals seem to be getting better every season, and the Ravens and Steelers seem to have just given up on living. Expect the Bengals to win.

    Lions at Bears: Probably the hardest game for me to pick. Both teams are even in standings, and McCown actually played a really good game in Green Bay. Lions go off when Megatron can get going. Cutler isn't certain to be back this week, but it's an important game so we'll see. Stafford is due for a sprained arm or shoulder again so that'll probably happen just to make Detroit even more depressing. Expecting the Bears to win.

    4:05PM ET

    Panthers at 49ers: The Panthers are actually in good position to win the division or at least a wild card spot, but they haven't beaten a good team all season. And the rest of their schedule is scary(Patriots, Saints twice, and an unpredictable Jets)meanwhile 49ers are scary good. If the Panthers can win this game I'd have faith they could win the division but I don't see that happening.

    4:25PM ET

    Texans at Cardinals: The Texans fans might bring hotdogs to the stadium tailgating, so expect Carson Palmer to be there pregame to chow down the only way he knows how. No but seriously, Texans looked like the Texans we knew from previous seasons, and our Cased God will lead them to the promised land of "not last place" probably. I'm not sure if even Wade Phillips head coaching could fuck this up.

    Broncos at Chargers: Wait for the cream
    http://assets.sbnation.com/assets/1005707/manning.jpg

    8:30PM ET

    Cowboys at Saints: Rob Ryan's new team against Rob Ryan's old team, although the Saints defense is actually really good while the Cowboys isn't. The Cowboys are the best team in the NFC East at the moment, which is the equivalent of winning a 5th grade Science Fair with a soda volcano mountain while that bitch Jenny comes in 2nd with her giant models of an atom, because fuck Jenny, who does she think she is? Bitch stole your fruit rollup that 1 time and then she hid your pencil before a test. I hang that ribbon with pride. And then she-wait what was I talking about? Oh right, the Cowboys. The Cowboys are pretty much in win now mode, their cap situation is bad and they should feel bad for putting themselves in that position in what is likely the most volatile division in terms of who wins it every year. Whoever wins this game gets the coveted, but really useless, title of America's team apparently since the Saints really want it. Could go either way but gonna go with the Saints pulling out a victory, while Dez shows his team spirit on the sidelines.

    Monday Nov 11th

    8:40PM ET

    Dolphins at Buccaneers: I'm not sure any 2 teams have more drama going on right now than these 2, it's really ridiculous. So what better way to showcase them than a primetime game? The Bucs quite literally threw away the game against the Seahawks, they had them down at home which is rare and then just let them come back. This is a poorly coached team. The Dolphins worst fear is leaving the game and having someone catch MRSA from that disgusting Bucs facility, let alone winning. The Dolphins really confuse me sometimes. They look like a good team in some games, and in others they just can't finish. Looking at their schedule they'll probably go 8-8 or 7-9. Even with their drama going on right now I can't see them losing to the Bucs. And if anyone deserves to go winless, it's Schiano. Don't you give him a win Dolphins.

  2. #2
    C A P S UNLEASH THE FURY
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    LOL. New Matty Ice picture is perfect.

    Broncos @ Chargers TRAP GAME LOOKOUT PEYTON

  3. #3
    THIS IS BREGOR'S STORY
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    Thanks for making the thread, I'm hoping to remain incognito for now. JUST WEATHER THE STORM BROTHER

    11/10 for the reference to RussWils's wife, lol

    Spreads no one cares about coming soon.

    Also JASON FUCKING CANDLE, AFC OFFENSIVE PLAYER OF THE WEEK

    lol

  4. #4
    Member since 2006 and still can't think of a title.
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    What's the over/under on this thread breaking 15 pages this week? You can at least give us that spread Bregor.

  5. #5
    THIS IS BREGOR'S STORY
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    Most threads seem to have around 600-800 replies. I'd put the O/U at 425 and a hook. Bannings and Shit-Ass Tom Brady's bye week could hurt.

  6. #6
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    Patriots have their bye week?? Who's going to produce the gif that carries me into next week??

  7. #7
    THIS IS BREGOR'S STORY
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    Quote Originally Posted by Derock View Post
    What is a hook
    A half-point.

  8. #8
    Black Guy from Predator.
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    The Immortal Bill Duke

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    i'm banking on 9-11 pages

  9. #9
    THIS IS BREGOR'S STORY
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    Quote Originally Posted by Abandon View Post
    i'm banking on 9-11 pages
    Never forget.

  10. #10
    Banned.

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    PILGRIMS

  11. #11
    Eli Manning is my Lord and Savior
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    It was the most american thing that came to my mind at 9am for Washington. That or the Washington Peacekeepers.

  12. #12
    Banned.

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    Seriously though, TTT vs. RIVERS game of all games of all years of this season

  13. #13
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    Quote Originally Posted by Cleverness View Post
    It was the most american thing that came to my mind at 9am for Washington. That or the Washington Peacekeepers.
    I lol'd profusely, good thread sir.

  14. #14
    Old Merits
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    DC Beltway Bandits

  15. #15
    PRINCESS NEWMUMMY
    space mini!

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    A+ opening.

    Also, fucking Eagles.

  16. #16
    Brown Recluse
    Sweaty Dick Punching Enthusiast

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    Great OP. I think this thread could beat last weeks thread.

  17. #17
    I would prefer not to.
    Moms Spaghetti
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dimmauk View Post
    Great OP. I think this thread could beat last weeks thread.
    you insensitive son of a bitch

  18. #18
    I would prefer not to.
    Moms Spaghetti
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    also sorry, bucs getting it done against the dolphins.

    SCHIANO MEN

    RUTGERS

  19. #19
    DEUS VULT
    FITE ME

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    Running up as close to the line and saying "I'm not touching you" is shitposting. No one is stupid. If you keep it up you're out.

  20. #20
    THIS IS BREGOR'S STORY
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    Mid-season report time!

    MVP: AFC - Peyton Manning, NFC - Drew Brees

    Passing league QB league blah blah etc. etc.

    Offensive player: AFC - Jamaal Charles, NFC - Matt Forte

    In best non-QB news, these two guys get it done in both the run and pass game, and their teams would have a lot more "L"s without them.

    Defensive player: AFC - Mario Williams, NFC - Sean Lee

    Robert Mathis is having a great year, but flopped on national television, so I'll go with Mario. Sean Lee just beats out Kuechly and the Shermanator.

    Offensive rookie: AFC - Giovani Bernard, NFC - Eddie Lacy

    Geno Smith is doing a good job treading water, but GIO is the dynamic playmaker Cincy needed in the backfield. Both he and Lacy should see a lot of touches in the second half of the season.

    Defensive rookie: AFC - Kiko Alonso, NFC - Star Lotulelei

    Alonso is a beast, quick and instinctive, and flies to the ball. Lotulelei might not have eye-popping stats, but he collapses lines like a boss, freeing up Kuechly and others to make plays.

    Coach: AFC - Andy Reid, NFC - Ron Rivera

    http://cdn2.sbnation.com/uploads/cho...dard_709.0.gif

    Four game win streak for the Cats, who are taking care of the football, so Ron gets the nod over Sean Payton.


    Last week
    M/L: 6-7
    ATS: 5-8

    Overall
    M/L: 88-45
    ATS: 65-65-3


    Bye week: Cleveland, Kansas City, New England, NY Jets


    THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 7TH

    8:30pm EST, NFL Network

    Washington at Minnesota (+2.5) - Well, local radio is aflame with Redskins-to-playoffs wonderment. Only a game and a half back of Dallas, and with four division games left, there's plenty of optimism Bobert Triad and crew can right the ship, just like last season. In a word, NOPE. They probably need to beat either San Fran or Kansas City to have a shot, and I don't see it happening. Minny gave Dallas a real fight last week, although I don't know if that says more about them or the 'boys. Ponder actually looked pretty decent, which means he'll start again tomorrow night. With Washington's defense such as it is, he'll probably throw for 400, run for 100 more, and then get benched for JASH next week. Mike Mayock breakdown I'm looking forward to the most: Jordan Reed. Redskins win and cover.


    SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 10TH

    1:00pm EST, CBS

    Jacksonville at Tennessee (-12) - ELIMINATOR PICK



    With Justin Blackmon out of a job, there's very little reason to care about the Jags. Tennessee has an excellent pass defense and they were able to run for almost 200 yards in St. Louis. My only concern is Mike Munchak's team getting too conservative with a lead, so the spread looks a little large to me. Titans win, Jags with the points.

    Oakland at NY Giants (-7.5) - I was buying into an Oakland rebirth, and then the Iggles hang 49 on 'em. Now they travel all the way to the other coast, where recent history shows they haven't played well. Fresh off their bye and with two straight wins before that, New York probably feels very much like Washington in that they can run the table and win the division. They'll need much better execution going forward, but this should be a step in the right direction. Giants win, Raiders with the points.

    Buffalo at Pittsburgh (-3) - If not for a backbreaking 100-yard Deion thrown by TUEL TIME, I'm pretty sure Buffalo would have beaten the Chiefs last week. But alas, their quarterback problems are everything right now. EJ Manuel has been cleared to return to practice, but it's anyone's guess right now who's starting Sunday. The good news is the run game is humming right along, and it's the run game that New England exploited when curbstomping Pittsburgh last week. With the way they're getting gashed, it makes you wonder why they kicked Casey Hampton to the curb. Oh well, I love seeing the Steelers suck ass. Bills in the upset.

    Cincinnati at Baltimore (+1.5) - Fresh off their unlikely loss in Miami, I expect the Bengals to refocus and play well. The Red Rifle has a terrible game with three picks and the game-deciding safety, but he was due for some bad luck. Baltimore's dropped three straight, they still can't get Ray Rice the ball in space consistently, and they're wasting an overall solid defensive effort since the Denver game. Right now I'd use a Joe Flacco image macro, but I don't really have one. If y'all want to find me the most Joe Flacco image on the internet, I would be eternally grateful. Bengals win and cover.

    1:00pm EST, FOX

    Seattle at Atlanta (+6) - Ugh. A slow start and special teams miscue saw the 'Hawks down 21-0 late in the 2nd quarter against the winless Bucs. They scratched and clawed their way to a tough win, and that's what great teams do, they find a way to win even when they're playing some of their worst football. Their schedule lines up pretty well for 12-14 win territory, and home field throughout would go a long way towards the RussWils Supa Bowel. Hotlanta is just a hot mess right now, with Matty2Wins and his band of also-rans turned from division favorite to spoiler. At least TGon is still awesome, last week he had 6 catches on 7 targets for 81 yards and a touchdown. Keep on keepin' on, gramps. Seahawks win and cover.

    Detroit at Chicago (+2.5) - Detroit, coming off their bye at 5-3, keeps on surprising me by staying in the NFC North race. Now, Fatt Stafford is the last man standing among the starting QBs, so they could cakewalk into a playoff spot. But don't sleep on Chicago, Josh McCown was perfectly serviceable last week, and rumor is CUTTY is going to return. HAIL CUTTY GOD SAVE THE CUTLET. The problem is the only team they could stop recently was lead by Seneca Wallace, so this could get ugly. Still, Soldier Field is a tough place to play, and CUTTY. Bears in the upset.

    Philadelphia at Green Bay (-1.5) - Oh man, Nick Foles, way to go. Seriously, awesome job. I think you've finally done what Florida State, rabid pitbulls, the Department of Justice, and Andy Reid could never do -- kill Mike Vick. After seven touchdown passes last week, there's no way Chip Kelly would eve-- wait, what? Kelly hasn't ruled Vick out yet? This guy is a fucking cyborg with mind control or something. Down goes Rodgers, and with him the assumption that Green Bay will win their division. Can Wallace be a good enough caretaker to keep them in games? Eddie Lacy ran against eight men in the box in college all the time, but this is the big boys league. Depending on the weather, under-47 looks pretty tasty, but I'll go with Packers to win and cover.

    St. Louis at Indianapolis (-9.5) - Oh, Jeff Fisher. I feel for you, man. You almost win against your former team starting Kellen Clemens, and watch him fumble the game away late in the 4th. At least Zac Stacy looks like a legit bruiser, and another off-season of smart personnel moves and a healthy Sam Bradford might make them one of the better teams in the NFC. Indy's comeback against Houston was legit exciting, and I can't help but feel good for Chuck Pagano on the sidelines. And with St. Louis's soft run defense, is this the game Trent gets loose? SPOILER ALERT: nupe. Colts win, Rams with the points.

    4:05pm EST, FOX

    Carolina at San Francisco (-6) - 35-10. 30-15. 31-13. 34-10. The Panthers scores the last four weeks are impressive. Sure they're not playing great teams, but taking care of business consistently is the name of the game. Cam's turnover-less streak is over, but leading the offense to 8-for-14 on 3rd down last week was fun. Now, the Cats get a huge test in San Fran, coming off five straight wins and their bye. I think Colin Kaepernick is about to take a big step forward, so all you fantasy pundits scrambling for a quarterback, I would target him in trades. As for the game, I hope this is the slugfest I want to see, with two amazing defenses hitting their opponents in the mouth. Of course, it will probably turn into a comedy of errors, which at least will give me some Harbaugh gifs. 49ers win, Panthers with the points.

    4:25pm EST, CBS

    Houston at Arizona (-3) - It's a passing league, so you'd think the best team against the pass wouldn't have lost six straight games. And you'd be wrong. Houston has fallen on hard times, even harder than when I predicted they wouldn't make the playoffs way back in August. CASED GOD (courtesy of Headspace! LOVE YA MAN, MOURN YA TIL I JOIN YA) looked sharp and could be a diamond in the rough of the NFL combine, sort of like Tom Brady Lite. Hm. Well, the Cardinals beat Atlanta, which is a thing. I guess. Then they had their bye. So I should like them here? Except I don't. The only thing I see when thinking about this game is JJ Watt devouring Carson Palmer like he was a dancer in front of an inflatable mascot:



    Yes, I used an NBA gif I saw in the NHL thread. WATCH OTHER SPORTS. Texans in the upset.

    Denver at San Diego (+7) - Manning off a bye. PRivs off losing to Washington.



    Broncos win and cover.

    8:30pm EST, NBC

    Dallas at New Orleans (-7) - ARE YOU READY FOR SOME OFFENSE? These teams rank 4th and 7th in points per game, and under the dome it should be a shootout. Tony Romo, in what was a close game last week, dropped back to pass 55 times (51 attempts, 3 sacks, 1 scramble) while New Orleans doesn't really have a traditional run game anyway. Statistically, the Saints defense is superior, but I like the playmakers Dallas has, especially with DeMarcus Ware practicing and expected to play. But I'll go with the home team and the quarterback shilling for cheap blue jeans. Saints win, Cowboys with the points.


    MONDAY, NOVEMBER 11TH

    8:30pm EST, ESPN

    Miami at Tampa Bay (+2.5) - What a coincidence that this Incognito story is coming to a head right before Miami plays a game on ESPN! How did that happen? Not watching this bullshit, Tampa in the upset.

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