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Some of you may recognize this man as Matt Flynn, that QB from that 1 Lions game who scored less touchdowns than Nick Foles did against an equally bad team. Some of you might be thinking "Why are we talking about Flynn, wasn't that Lions team one of the worst at pass defense?", but we're not here to talk about facts, we are here to talk about the magic that is Matt Flynn. Yes you heard me, magic. This man is magical, in that he makes the QB on the teams he is on better. Want proof? GOT YOUR PROOF RIGHT HERE.
He was drafted in 2008 by the Packers. Now, I don't need to regurgitate ARod stats for you, archi has done that practically everyday. He was dickriding ARod before it was cool so I think we can all agree ARod is pretty good. And when did the Packers win the Super Bowl? Oh that's right, 2 years after Flynn blessed their presence. Now you might be saying "His only SB experience is having a front row seat on the bench, you aren't making any sense." Maybe. Maybe. But let's look further. He becomes a free agent and having won 1 NFL game, he was apparently a highly sought after QB(meanwhile Tebow wins like 8 and noone wants him still except the AFC East apparently) and signs with the Seahawks. We all thought he was gonna start. But no, they already knew what he was good for. Russell Wilson was named the starter, and all some of us knew about him is that his girlfriend looks insane. We questioned it, but look at Russell now, one pretty good QB in what is one of the top NFC teams this season.
So surely at this point it must be coincidence, but no. He gets traded to the Raiders, where by default we believe he will start because the other QBs would probably get knifed in the parking lot. Oakland is kind of ghetto. But still he doesn't start. For the Raiders. The team that drafted JaMarcus Russell. Pryor eventually starts after being exposed to the Flynn magic and he's looking pretty good.
He's then next seen in Buffalo, a team with about half the roster in QBs this season(give or take). Surely, NOW, his time to shine will come right?...Right?...Right? Oh, what's that? Buffalo's a pretty strong team now even with the QB circus, and EJ Manuel, who showed alot of great things before his injury, and is now cleared to practice and possibly play this week, leading to Flynn getting released? MAGIC.
Matt Flynn is merely the catalyst to making your team better, he's like that guy at the party who laughs at your shitty jokes or runs wingman/wingwoman for you while you hit on the hot guy/girl. He is the awkward third wheel. But you need him, because not all of us are blessed with QBs who make stupid faces that aren't injured often. Some of us, like the Vikings, could use someone like Flynn to grant Ponder the powers he needs to rise to the level of average that'll help him keep his job and stop blaming him for the rest of his teams shortcomings. He's the QB we deserve, but not the one we need right now. So we'll sign him to teams and not play him, because he can take it. Etc etc.
I'm not doing spreads, Bregor can handle that shit
Thursday Nov 7th
8:25PM ET
Pilgrims at Vikings - Thursday night games tend to suck, and this is no exception. The Washington Pilgrims are getting slightly better each week and looking more like the team they were last season, and the Vikings are looking more like the trainwreck that was Favre's last season. These teams are still pretty mediocre but the Redskins have the advantage of beating a good Chargers team last week, while the Vikings locker room seems to be losing faith in the coaching staff, who seem like experts by placing a recently traded Josh Freeman as starter in a MNF game. Pilgrims to win.
Sunday Nov 10th
1:00PM ET
Eagles at Packers: I really want to pick the Packers here, for reasons that are obvious, but Foles coming off what is literally one of the best QB games in NFL history, and the Packers probably starting Seneca Wallace, leave me thinking the Eagles can win this.
Jaguars at Titans: The Jaguars are probably going to be winless this season and that's not something I wish on anyone except Schiano, but they are just a horrible team and I dunno if they could even beat anyone this season except maybe the Vikings starting Freeman again.
Bills at Steelers: Bills are a pretty balanced team right now as I've said before, and in their losses they played really well still. EJ Manuel should be back this week, but even if he's not, the Steelers suck. If the Steelers lose again, except Mike Tomlin to remove their TV privileges and restrict nap time as punishment.
Raiders at Giants: After starting 0-6 certain sites mentioned that Coughlin was on the hot seat. Meaning this is the year the Giants win another Super Bowl. They are coming off 2 wins and a bye and are going against an equally bad Raiders team, main unknown element is Pryor. He's shown some rookie elements about himself but he's still made impressive plays when he's on the field, and the Giants D is pretty awful right now. This game could really go either way since the Giants are awful but I'm gonna go with the homer pick.
Rams at Colts: Having had access to Jets games during the whole Clemens/Pennington era, I can assure you that I have no faith in him, and neither should you. Even if he somehow wins this game, I won't fall for it. The Colts are a strong team this season and barring something happening to Luck, I'm interested to see if they will go 1 and done again.
Seahawks at Falcons:
I'm sorry Moss.
Bengals at Ravens: Ravens are so Super Bowl drunk it hurts to look at, although I'm pretty sure Xajii called this happening with all their offseason 'moves' months ago. Bengals seem to be getting better every season, and the Ravens and Steelers seem to have just given up on living. Expect the Bengals to win.
Lions at Bears: Probably the hardest game for me to pick. Both teams are even in standings, and McCown actually played a really good game in Green Bay. Lions go off when Megatron can get going. Cutler isn't certain to be back this week, but it's an important game so we'll see. Stafford is due for a sprained arm or shoulder again so that'll probably happen just to make Detroit even more depressing. Expecting the Bears to win.
4:05PM ET
Panthers at 49ers: The Panthers are actually in good position to win the division or at least a wild card spot, but they haven't beaten a good team all season. And the rest of their schedule is scary(Patriots, Saints twice, and an unpredictable Jets)meanwhile 49ers are scary good. If the Panthers can win this game I'd have faith they could win the division but I don't see that happening.
4:25PM ET
Texans at Cardinals: The Texans fans might bring hotdogs to the stadium tailgating, so expect Carson Palmer to be there pregame to chow down the only way he knows how. No but seriously, Texans looked like the Texans we knew from previous seasons, and our Cased God will lead them to the promised land of "not last place" probably. I'm not sure if even Wade Phillips head coaching could fuck this up.
Broncos at Chargers: Wait for the cream
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8:30PM ET
Cowboys at Saints: Rob Ryan's new team against Rob Ryan's old team, although the Saints defense is actually really good while the Cowboys isn't. The Cowboys are the best team in the NFC East at the moment, which is the equivalent of winning a 5th grade Science Fair with a soda volcano mountain while that bitch Jenny comes in 2nd with her giant models of an atom, because fuck Jenny, who does she think she is? Bitch stole your fruit rollup that 1 time and then she hid your pencil before a test. I hang that ribbon with pride. And then she-wait what was I talking about? Oh right, the Cowboys. The Cowboys are pretty much in win now mode, their cap situation is bad and they should feel bad for putting themselves in that position in what is likely the most volatile division in terms of who wins it every year. Whoever wins this game gets the coveted, but really useless, title of America's team apparently since the Saints really want it. Could go either way but gonna go with the Saints pulling out a victory, while Dez shows his team spirit on the sidelines.
Monday Nov 11th
8:40PM ET
Dolphins at Buccaneers: I'm not sure any 2 teams have more drama going on right now than these 2, it's really ridiculous. So what better way to showcase them than a primetime game? The Bucs quite literally threw away the game against the Seahawks, they had them down at home which is rare and then just let them come back. This is a poorly coached team. The Dolphins worst fear is leaving the game and having someone catch MRSA from that disgusting Bucs facility, let alone winning. The Dolphins really confuse me sometimes. They look like a good team in some games, and in others they just can't finish. Looking at their schedule they'll probably go 8-8 or 7-9. Even with their drama going on right now I can't see them losing to the Bucs. And if anyone deserves to go winless, it's Schiano. Don't you give him a win Dolphins.