2013-14 NFL Week 16: I See Your Schwartz Is As Dumb As Mine

[Bregor]

Week 1 Thread:

I think Jim Schwartz is one of the worst in-game coaches in the league.

Week 2 Thread:

Schwartz will be out of a job by New Year's.

Week 5 Thread:

this is their coach:

http://assets.sbnation.com/assets/1556177/jimmay.gif

Week 11 Thread:

Taking first place in the division and then losing to the Steelers would be such a Jim Schwartz thing to do

Week 12 Thread:

I said last week that losing to Pittsburgh would be so Schwartz, but really losing to Tampa would be even more Schwartz.

And just last week:

when in doubt, I bet against Jim Schwartz. Ravens in the upset.

And this week, I found:



Jim, after the Lions fire you, please find another team to ruin, so that I may continue laughing at you.


Last week
M/L: 10-6
ATS: 8-7-1

Overall
M/L: 141-82-1
ATS: 108-108-8


NO MORE THURSDAY GAMES, HOORAY! No more Mike Mayock, boo.


SUNDAY, DECEMBER 22ND

1:00pm EST, CBS

Cleveland at NY Jets (-2.5) - Classic Cleland, leading a good team going into the fourth quarter, and allowing 21 straight points en route to a draft position-enhancing loss. I LOVE THIS TEAM. I'm honestly terrified that the new(est) regime is going to give away all the draft picks they've stockpiled recently on another failed QB project, but for now I can dream of Clowney on the edge, or Sammy Watkins or Mike Evans lining up next to Josh Gordon. The Jets have been good at home (5-2) and looks pretty respectable last week in Charlotte until a late Deion by Geno Smith. Even with no shot at the postseason, Rex Ryan has them playing for something, and that's good enough for me. Jets win and cover.

Miami at Buffalo (+3) - I'm pretty happy I called Miami's win over touchdown tom New England last week. It's helping to validate my wild card pick way back when, because this team is good. Also, it gave us this:

http://d3j5vwomefv46c.cloudfront.net...gif?1387133798

If they didn't have the Incognito disaster and Baltimore wasn't the luckiest fucking team on the planet, they'd have the spot locked down already. And with all the time talking about how shitty Bobert Triple has been, the second-year QB doing work right now is Tannehill. Buffalo beat the Dolphins in Miami way back in mid-October, but that was in the midst of the media shitstorm. Still, they run the ball really well, something Miami hasn't always been able to stop, except when they did in that previous meeting (Jackson 11 carries 36 yards, Spiller 6 carries 11 yards). Should be a good game, and it wouldn't surprise me to see Miami lose because Baltimore is seriously so fucking lucky, but the pick is Dolphins win and cover.

Indianapolis at Kansas City (-6.5) - This time last week, it was a given that Denver had the top seed locked up, Indy was the fourth seed, and KC had the top wild card. Then, Thursday night happened, and New England controlled the top seed while KC could grab the second. Then Sunday happened, and who the fuck knows. Both these teams have something to play for, but it seems like ages ago that Indy was beating the likes of San Fran, Seatle, and Denver. Andrew Luck is still underwhelming, averaging just 6.65 yards per pass attempt, below such gunslingers as Christian Ponder, Geno Smith, Case Keenum, Terrelle Pryor, and JASON CANDLE. (Below Luck? Alex Smith and Joe Flacco, along with other flotsam. It's an interesting list.) Andy Reid and the Fightin' Kool-Aid Men Chiefs got a break in the schedule after their three-game skid, pummeling Washington and Oakland in succession. They'll have their hands full with a decent team here, but with home field throughout still a possibility I think KC will come out swinging. Chiefs win, Colts with the points.

Tennessee at Jacksonville (+5.5) - Fitzmagic (I still don't like that nickname) went for 402 yards and 4 TDs against a very good Cardinals defense, forcing overtime with a furious rally at the end of the game. Unfortunately, they still lost, but maybe the Tennessee brass is believing Fitz is their QB of the present, and will see who they can swindle for Jake Locker. I got a little carried away with the Jags last week, they're still historically bad offensively and no one should ever bet on them, ever. Titans win and cover.

Denver at Houston (+10.5) - Peyton Manning, after a loss, long week to prepare, in a retractable roof stadium, against one of the worst teams in the league. Broncos win and cover.

1:00pm EST, FOX

Minnesota at Cincinnati (-7) - I don't want to say the Vikings looked good beating the Eagles on Sunday. They did give up 475 yards on defense and benefitted from Chip Kelly's surprising decision to give Shady McCoy only eight carries (!) in a game that was close until the last seven minutes or so. But a win is a win, so, good for them I guess. Cincy came out flat on national television, finding themselves down 24-0 before Al Michaels was even on his second oxygen tank. At least we know Mike Nugent is a decent punter. I think they bounce back in a big way and keep their perfect home record intact. Bengals win and cover.

Tampa Bay at St. Louis (-5) - The Bucs had a good run going there for a while, and they actually hung around with San Fran, getting as close as 6 points in the 4th quarter before fading away. Tampa might be a sexy pick to make a run next season, since their metrics indicate they are a much better team than their 4-10 record indicates. Still, I don't like Schiano or Glennon, so I'm not going to be picking them for anything any time soon. As for the Rams, I love picking them, and they hit New Orleans in the mouth early last week, riding Zac Stacy and holding on for a key win (at least for the BG Panthers faithful). Like I've said before, they need a new division more than anything, but I'll be watching them very carefully. Jeff Fisher, man. Dude can coach. Rams win and cover.

Dallas at Washington (+3) -

http://cdn2.mocksession.com/wp-conte...2/ROMO-FFF.gif

vs.

http://www.juanelway.com/wp-content/...elebration.gif

Indigenous Peoples in the upset.

New Orleans at Carolina (-3) - Speaking of the 'Aints, they're sitting at a 3-4 road record, and you can bet the Panthers are going to give them all they can handle. Their success two weeks ago came by getting constant pressure on Cam and an almost flawless performance from Brees, and I don't think either of those things will happen again. As for the Cats, I'm kinda mad at them for not covering against the gosh durn Jets, but any double-digit spread is dicey. It's okay, I forgive you! Panthers win and cover.

4:05pm EST, FOX

NY Giants at Detroit (-9) - Eli-Face versus Schwartz-Face. Hoo boy, this is a tough one. Every time Eli attempts a pass, there is a 5.2% chance it will be intercepted. Only one QB has more than that (Geno Smith) with a minimum of 100 pass attempts (although Kirk "KC1(2)" Cousins could join that list with 30 more attempts this week). That makes Fatt Stafford's 3.0% look downright Folesian. I've been hating on Schwartz and the Lions for what seems like forever, so just know that it gives me great joy to see the Bears take the lead in the NFC North. Still, let's keep it interesting for next week, shall we? Lions win, Giants with the points.

Arizona at Seattle (-10.5) - Arizona is a pretty good football team. Seattle is a very good football team, especially at home. The general rule for spreads is three points for the home team. All of this tells me that Vegas is giving a lot more than that to Seattle's 12th man. I'm thinking this game will see the 'Hawks win by either 3 points or 30. It may seem weird, but they only beat Tennessee by 7 and needed OT against Tampa, even with their home cookin'. Still, Carson Palmer in that environment screams turnover machine, so I'll still take the Seahawks to win and cover.

4:25pm EST, CBS

Pittsburgh at Green Bay (???) - As mad as Aaron Rodgers is making Packers fans, he's doing the same thing to Vegas. No one likes empty boards, and every week it's a will-he-or-won't-he situation with this guy. Not to mention fantasy owners, who might be left with the unsavory prospect of starting JASON CANDLE. I know it's not Rodgers' fault -- he'd suit up in a heartbeat if he got cleared -- but it's frustrating nonetheless. Anyway, fuck the Steelers, go Rodgers-or-Flynn. Spread TBD but Packers win.

Oakland at San Diego (-10) -

Mike Tunison ‏@xmasape

Philip Rivers is wearing a bolo tie and a brown jacket because he's Edward James Olmos the quarterback pic.twitter.com/VQFlAxX1LB

PEE RIVS! At the end of the year I'm doing a post with every Rivers pic and gif I have or can find with an exhaustive search (read: five seconds on Google). It will be glorious. Chargers win and cover.

New England at Baltimore (-2.5) - touchdown tom couldn't touchdown tom his way out of a Miami loss, leading a great last-minute drive before throwing a pick deep in Miami territory. Seems like bad luck. Baltimore's last three wins have come by a combined eight points. Seems like ridiculously good luck. Patriots in the upset.

8:30pm EST, NBC

Chicago at Philadelphia (-3) -



Bears in the upset.

MONDAY, DECEMBER 23RD

8:30pm EST, ESPN

Atlanta at San Francisco (-12) - If Jim Schwartz was not a thing, I might be talking about Mike Smith a lot more. The guy can't even tank a season correctly, all 11 defensive players should have hit the deck on Washington's 2-point conversion try. Fortunately, they finish with San Fran and Carolina, so no more wins for you. The '9ers seem to be sleepwalking a bit, they couldn't pull away from Tampa until late, and they haven't had that run of dominance that leads me to believe they're in the same class as Seattle, New Orleans, and Carolina. But winning ugly is still winning, and that defense can shut anybody down. Should be fun come playoff time. 49ers win, Falcons with the points.

[Abandon]

i love cutty's reaction to the kiss, lmao

[Cleverness]

I bet Welker would have stayed in NE if Tom would just respond to his kisses like that. A true bromance.

[Tajin]

I will masturbate nonstop to PRIVS gif flood.

[Arvin]

I approve of this title

[Serra]

I'm torn. On one hand, I want the iggles to win to put away that division, on the other, I want Dallas to still be in it next week so that when they don't make the playoffs again, it's extra crushing.

[Headspace]

Bills
Ravens
Bengals

[Xajii]

Baltimore's last three wins have come by a combined eight points. Seems like ridiculously good luck. .

11 of the Ravens' 14 games so far have been one-score games.. and it's not just a trend this year, either. not so much luck as the way the team is designed to play.

that being said, I don't necessarily disagree with the pick, and I am surprised at the line.

what's really "luck" is that Flacco has managed to outperform Brady in every single match-up they've had since their first

EDIT:

Also, what the fuck is up with the Arizona @ Seattle line? Are we forgetting Arizona is a 9-5 team? I know Honey Badger went down and I know it's in Seattle but that line seems disrespectful lol

[Krandor]

It's in Seattle, end of story.

Also lol @ thinking the Raven's aren't the luckiest team in the NFL.

[Byrd]

Also, what the fuck is up with the Arizona @ Seattle line? Are we forgetting Arizona is a 9-5 team? I know Honey Badger went down and I know it's in Seattle but that line seems disrespectful lol

In their two biggest home games of the year prior to this one, Seattle beat San Francisco by 26 and New Orleans by 27, and their average home margin of victory is 17 this year. Yes, they can sleepwalk through games, too (Tampa, Tennessee), but in a game where they can clinch the NFC West and home field, I'll be surprised if Pete Carroll doesn't have them ready to play. Also, they won by 12 in Arizona in a game earlier this year that included a Cardinal garbage time TD, and Arizona lost 58-0 in Seattle last year. 10 seems about right to me. If I were playing the line, I'd be more likely to go Seattle than Arizona.

Prior to this season, the Vegas guy who comes on the local radio station recently said, since Century Link/Qwest/Seahawks Stadium has opened, if you had bet on the Seahawks at home and against them on the road, you would have won just over 60% of your bets.

[Chrius]

GO COWBOYS!!!!!!!

[Moss]

Texans interviewed Lovie Smith

[Bregor]

Texans Rooney Rule'd Lovie Smith

Sounds exciting.

[Mythe_Seraph]

Texans interviewed Lovie Smith

"There's still a lot of interviewing left." - Lovie Smith

[Adajer]

Trashman considering resting starters against the Eagles Sunday........




I guess it makes sense if shit falls the way it can since we are last game Sunday.

[Moss]

Sounds exciting.

um, hello, he's FROM TEXAS

[Bregor]

um, hello, he's FROM TEXAS

Then I should send him a sympathy card.

[Mertron]

Trashman considering resting starters against the Eagles Sunday........




I guess it makes sense if shit falls the way it can since we are last game Sunday.

heard a similar story about the eagles. if the cowboys beat the redskins earlier in the day the eagles have nothing to play for against the bears except possibly 3/4 seeding

[Mertron]

pretty sure both teams will just play their starters though

[Headspace]

That fin coach