so my two biggest problems are fear of abandonment/attachment issues and lack of self-worth (and these two problems feed into each other). together, that's a really shitty combo for relationships. at its worst, they become literally impossible. about six years ago, I began working on this stuff hardcore. everything I do in life, from school to working out and eating right to forcing myself to socialize, whatever it is, it's all intended to ameliorate those two issues. but when you've been entrenched in a way of thinking and emoting for several decades, change will happen slowly, and sometimes I feel like I'm not making any progress at all.
well this month I've been dating someone. saw him Wednesday. thursday we texted but he kinda dropped out of it suddenly for no reason. friday, I tried to text and he barely responded. ok, weird. today I put on my big-boy boots and just straight-up texted him "hey, I'd like to see you today. can I come over?" no fussy mind games, no passive-aggressiveness - very direct.
well that was seven hours ago. I haven't heard back yet. and this guy has already been a bit hot and cold with me before. add into that my abandonment issues and you can only imagine (no really, you can't) how fucking awful I've been feeling. it's like twenty years of bullshit comes rushing back all at once. not fun. I tried to talk to my best friend and she blew me off too. oh yay, I feel even better.
so why am I posting in the win thread? well first of all, I need to share this somewhere, and BG is a good dumping ground. I like you all but I only actually care about one of you (she knows who she is) and I figure at best, I get to share my feelings and feel better. at worst, I get some shitposts (you know who you are - bring it on). and I sure as fuck ain't putting this on facebook. second though, and more importantly - I'm ok, and I need to celebrate that fact.
I feel hurt, but I know why I feel hurt and I know I'm overreacting.
I also know that on some level my reaction is legitimate - dude it's been a month. enough of this hot and cold nonsense. if a straight and direct message like "I'd like to see you, can we hang out?" isn't working for you then we have a problem.
I also know that problems come up, and sometimes we can work through them while other times we can't. so I plan on bringing this up with him next time we talk, assuming he eventually reaches out to me. that may or may not help the situation, but there is enough good to this little thing we've been doing - I'm not ready to call it a relationship yet - that I'm willing to get over myself for a second and at least attempt to see if we can negotiate here. he doesn't know where I'm at, and I don't know where he is. maybe we can meet in the middle, maybe not.
so yeah. I've got a long ways to go with this shit. but god damn. instead of whining like a bitch, giving into the depression and moping about or - worse yet - clinging to him like mad, I did the right thing. I stepped back, reminded myself that we barely know each other, also reminded myself that I have no idea where he's at (this could be anything from "totally seeing someone else" all the way to "got in a horrible accident and is in the hospital" and anything in-between, anxiety or no I need to remember that). also - and most importantly - I reminded myself that I'm all kinds of worthy and don't need this guy one way or the other. maybe it will work out, maybe it won't, but either way I'm going to be ok. someone new will come along if this doesn't work.
so I ended up going to the bar, having a couple beers, not talking to anyone - some cute guys there but I'm really not in the mood - and now I'm home and I'm gonna get high and watch cartoons and feel ok. and I mean, yeah, this still #triggered me like crazy. I feel a really weird mix of sad and confused and relaxed and happy right now - it's strange. shit's not perfect, but I'll take it. and I'm going to keep working on this. it can only get better from here.