2014 NHL Playoff Thread: NO SERIOUSLY WHO THE HELL IS ALEC MARTINEZ

[Callisto]

I'm taking some time to from my really busy work day to lay forward these decrees, mostly because if I don't do it now Rata will probably post something really terrible in its place.

This, my friends, is the year where legends are put to rest. Legends like the storied career of one of the greatest to ever play the game. And also legends like the Caps always going out in the first round of the playoffs.

We get some new faces, some who have contended for the past several years, and somehow, one NUMBER ONE COP IN TOWN. The new realignment structure also brings us back the things that real rivalries are made of: annual divisional foe playoff matchups.

Western Conference

Colorado Avalanche vs. Minnesota Wild

The Teams: The Avs were able to sneak a last second win out of a brutal Central Division that looked like it belonged to the Blues from Game 1 until Game 80, using a great combination of speed, speed, and also skating really really fast.

The Wild, on the other hand, managed to just not be as really really bad as the likes of the Coyotes, Perds, and all of Canada. They also continue to use their alternate third jersey for select home games, baffling pretty much everyone as to why it's not just their normal home jersey since it's their only non-horrendous one.

Players to Watch:
Avs: The Avs are an odd collection of high school kids and guys who you vaguely remember hearing their names when they were almost good on that one team in a market no one really follows. Look for 18 year-old rookie Nathan MacKinnon as he sets out to prove that he can handle the rigors of the NHL playoffs and also parents who just don't understand, man.

Wild: Watch for Ilya Bryzgalov, who will try to quiet critics as he replaces the 13 other Wild goalies who got hurt, plays lights-out hockey in the playoffs, then gets let go because the Wild already have all of the money ever committed to Ryan Suter and Zach Parise for the next 30 years.

Prediction: Avs in 4. They're too fast, playing too well headed into the playoffs, and match up very well with everyone on the Western side that isn't LA.


St. Louis Blues vs. Chicago Blackhawks

The Teams: This will probably be the most talked-about series in the media for the next two weeks, pitting together two top teams who historically have hated each other in ways that Sep and Nynja could only wish to replicate. This is a series in which even Jonathan Toews fights, which says a lot since he's not exactly a face-puncher. Considering that Avs/Wings won't be possible unless both teams make the Finals, this one should be a treat for people wanting to see a classic playoff bloodbath.

The Hawks are the Hawks, very skilled, very well-coached, and when Patrick Sharp is on the ice also really, really ridiculously good-looking. The Blues, on the other hand, lack the star power of the Hawks but make up for it by hitting really, really goddamn hard.

Players to Watch:Hawks: Bryan Bickell tries to hold on to his title of White Joel Ward, after scoring 300 goals in last year's playoffs, being rewarded with a gigantic contract for it, then disappearing for most of his regular season. It'll be time for him to prove that he can repeat that performance, or start planning to join all of the other ex-Hawks in Sunrise.

Blues: I really wanted to say Vladimir Tarasenko here because he's really good at hockey and a legitimate pleasure to watch, but with him being injured I suppose I can give the nod to Magnus Pääjärvi, as he might prove his first-round pick pedigree now that he's actually on a real team.

Prediction: Blues in 7, their grinding forecheck proves to be too much for ahahahahahaha just kidding, Hawks are taking it in 3, see you at the parade BITCH WE MIGHT BE


L.A. Kings vs. San Jose Sharks

The Teams: This will probably be the best series that I will never see a minute of because I have a real-people job and can't stay up until 3am to watch West Coast hockey. Both teams, again due to being in the West, have actually played very well, very quietly lately.

The Kings are still not that far removed from winning the Cup, and still have a large portion of that winning team on payroll to this day. Plus, if things don't really go their way they can just send Dustin Brown out to knee-on-knee somebody or something to swing momentum back their way.

The Sharks are roughly the Anti-Avs, a team with solid veterans who is seeing it's Cup window shrink quickly, who are probably watching this year's Canucks results and getting a little worried.

Players to Watch:Kings: Jonathan Quick was easily the best player in the playoffs when the Kings won their Cup, and might be really hungry this year after USA came up empty in the Olympics. A hot goalie can easily take a team all the way, and he's done it once already.

SHRAKS: Tommy Wingels. 1) He's from Chicago so good for him and 2) his name is hilarious to say. Just say it. Tommy Wingels. Wiinngggeelllssss. Tommy Wingels.

Prediction: Kings in 5. They actually are built and play similar to the Sharks, just younger and better at everything.


Anaheim Ducks vs. Dallas Stars

The Teams: Let's be honest here: if it wasn't for Teemu no one would even care about this matchup. Dallas managed to be the only Western team that would not have had made the playoffs in the East, which I think qualifies them for relocation to Atlanta or something.

The Ducks, on the other hand, quietly managed to be the best team in the West, coming just 1 point short of taking the President's Cup from the Bruins, priming them for an early playoff collapse because that's a thing that California teams do.

Players To Watch:
Ducks: Regardless of how their run turns out, we're all going to look like this when it's over:


Stars: One of the Benns I guess, I don' know, who cares?

Prediction: Ducks in 5. They're good I guess, whatever, we love you Teemu.


That Other Really Bad Conference

Boston Bruins vs. Detroit Red Wings

The Teams: As much as it pains me to admit because their fans are all buttholes(yes, you guys, I don't care if you did actually post in the regular season this year, suck a beahcat), the Bruins are really good at hockey; in fact they're possibly/probably the only good team in the East.

That said, this series may get really interesting, because even when icing a mostly AHL roster interspersed with bionic Swededroids, the Wings always manage to show up big for the playoffs. Both teams are gritty, very well-coached, and experienced in the playoffs. This might be a hell of a series.

Players to Watch:Bruins: You'll want to keep a close eye on Brad Marchand during these playoffs. Mostly because if you don't, he'll probably sneak up behind you and hit you in back of the knee with his stick or something.

Wings: Pavel Datsyuk is the rare double-threat of being really stupidly good at hockey while also being the only Red Wings player I've actually heard of who isn't currently in a full body cast.

Prediction: Bruins in 6. I don't think the Wings have the personnel to take this series, but they're probably good enough organizationally to at least make the Bruins work really hard for it.


Montreal Canadiens vs. Tampa Bay Lightning

The Teams: This series is pretty much the opposite of Hawks/Blues, in that rather than putting old school divisional rivals against each other in a brutal grudge match, you have two teams from ass-opposite ends of North American playing each other because of realignment magic.

The Habs have the edge in most positions, and while the Lightning did well this year they also said goodbye to two of their top three players. While Ryan Callahan is a great player, you can't really say they've adequately replaced Vinny and Marty yet.

Montreal is stubborn enough defensively against a Lightning team that sometimes has trouble keeping things out of their own net, the Habs should match up well until one of their players trips on his own feet at the Bell Centre and then their fans all boo so loudly thinking there should be a penalty every time one of their players falls down that the entire team is made deaf and forced to forfeit because they can no longer hear the official's whistles and that's a thing that totally seems plausible.

Players to Watch:Habs: P.K. Subban, just because it's the playoffs doesn't mean that a man as dedicated as Don Cherry is ready to stop saying racist shit for the summer just yet.

Lightning: While Steven Stamkos seems like an obvious pick because he always scores like 500 goals, he's going to be even more important this time with his supporting cast and main setup guy no longer on the team.

Prediction: Habs in 5. Habs have good enough defense that they should only need to score 2 goals max to take any individual game, and the Bolts aren't really known to give up less than 5.


Pittsburgh Penguins vs. Columbus Blue Jackets

The Teams: We should probably take a moment here to commend both the BJs, for making great progress the past two years and getting themselves into the playoffs, and that one BJs fan we have roaming here because good lord that must have sucked to stick that one out.

For those of you who don't know a lot about Ohio, they fucking hate Pennsylvania, and more specifically, Pittsburgh, which is close to the Ohio border. This could potentially be an extremely important series for the future of the underdog Jackets. Regardless of the current level of importance of hockey in Ohio, knocking any form of Pittsburgh team out of the playoffs would instantly gain then several thousand new fans.

That said, they have a very tough road ahead thanks to the expert coaching of Dan "The Dad From Heroes" Bylsma and a core of players made up of Sidney Crosby, Sidney Crosby, and Pierre McGuire's favorite player, SIDNEYCROSBY SIDNEYCROSBY SIDNEYCROSBY.Players to Watch:
Pens: Over the past couple of years we've seen James Neal turn into Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Which Neal will we see, the talented guy who can score dozens of goals, or the Matt Cookebot v2.0 who can end dozens of careers?

Jackets: You already knew what was going to be here.


Prediction: Pens in 5. As much as I want to root for the Jackets, I don't think they're quite there yet.


New York Rangers vs. Philadelphia Flyers

The Teams: All jokes aside, the fact that the Flyers were able to shake off some severe managerial missteps, a coaching turnover, and one of the worst starts in franchise history and still even make the playoffs is pretty impressive.

Expect to hear a lot about that turnaround in the media. But probably even more about the storied history of the Rangers because they're from New York, even though they haven't really done anything in a couple of decades.

Players to Watch: Rags: Most hardcore hockey fans will be closely watching Henrik Lundqvist, mostly due to his picture being glued to the inside of the cover of their Trapper Keeper as they doodle "Me + King" and a bunch of little hearts around it.

Flyers: The refs will likely be keeping an extra-tight lid on the Flyers' normal bruisers like Zac Rinaldo and Wayne Simmonds, so if things get chippy all of the fighting might be left up to Ray Emery.

Prediction: Rangers in 6. Whenever I really can't decide on a matchup, I look most closely at the goalies, and when you get down to it, now matter how well the Flyers have turned things around this season you're still looking at Henrik Lundqvist vs. Steve Mason. Yikes.
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From this point on, you are entering a MOTHERFUCKING HOCKEY ZONE. Keep out your boobie pics, your non-hockey ideological discussions, and so on, I can still get you banned if I really want to. Raptor gifs are still fully allowed and/or encouraged. May the best team from the West win.

[Obsidian]

I still like my title better, but this works I guess.

The draft lottery is tonight right?

[Deader2818]

Stars in 7
Hawks in 6
Wild in 7
Sharks in 6


Bruins in 6
Rangers in 6
Habs in 7
Pens in 6

[Callisto]

Is Ishido doing the spreadsheet?

[bori]

Stars in 7
Kings in 6
Hawks in 6
Avs in 5

Bruins in 6
Bolts in 6
Pens in 6
Rangers in 7

[Aksannyi]

Avs in 5
Hawks in 7
Ducks in 6
Sharks in 6

Bruins in 5
Habs in 7
Pens in 6
Rangers in 6

[Xajii]

Avs in 4
Ducks in 5
Sharks in 7
Blues in 6

Bruins in 6
Penguins in 5
Flyers in 6
Bolts in 6

[NynJa]

Fucking finally

Detroit 6
Habs 7
Pens 4
Rangers 7

Anaheim 5
Avs 5
Shreks 6
Blues in 7


I feel like I should attempt to defend my Wings in 6 statement, its not based on boston hatred.

[Deader2818]

Is Ishido doing the spreadsheet?

Bitch he might be.

[Melena]

Damn, I know the Sharks are the Caps of the West but they really are not getting any love. We went 2-2-1 against the Kings and last years playoffs came down to Kings having home ice, and I think it comes down to that again. We also have the teenage mutant ninja hertl back until Dustin Brown decides to ram his knee into him again.

Sharks in 7
Ducks in 5
Blues in 7
Avs in 4
Bruins in 7
Pens in 6
Habs in 7
Flyers in 7

[Callisto]

Damn, I know the Sharks are the Caps of the West but they really are not getting any love. We went 2-2-1 against the Kings and last years playoffs came down to Kings having home ice, and I think it comes down to that again. We also have the teenage mutant ninja hertl back until Dustin Brown decides to ram his knee into him again.

Honestly for me it's not an anti-Sharks thing at all, I just think the Kings are really damn good. I would probably take them over anyone but the Hawks or Blues from the West.

[bluefan]

Wild in 7
Hawks in 5
Ducks in 6
Sharks in 7

Bruins in 6
Habs in 6
Penguins in 6
Flyers in 5

[Deader2818]

Eh, Kings have had the Blues number the last 2 years. Id take them over the Blues if it got that far. Quick is still better than Miller.

[Melena]

Honestly for me it's not an anti-Sharks thing at all, I just think the Kings are really damn good. I would probably take them over anyone but the Hawks or Blues from the West.

Oh didn't mean you in general. Was looking at ESPN's predictions and 9/12 picked the Kings over the Sharks despite the two teams playing each other pretty much equally. A lot of it is going to come down to if the Sharks play the way they can, or do they get lazy and play down to their competition. In all honesty we should have had the one seed but we decided to shit the bed on about 6 games that a junior team could have won.

[Aksannyi]

I don't predict a single sweep this year. I think a lot of these matchups are going to be pretty even and exciting.

SO.
READY.

[NynJa]

And a tight match usually has the nod go to the home team...nothing wrong here.

edit:
Callisto did home vs away for every matchup, cept sharks kings and habs bolts.

[Callisto]

The only sweep I would guess on paper is Avs/Wild, but shit happens.

[Deader2818]

Oh didn't mean you in general. Was looking at ESPN's predictions and 9/12 picked the Kings over the Sharks despite the two teams playing each other pretty much equally. A lot of it is going to come down to if the Sharks play the way they can, or do they get lazy and play down to their competition. In all honesty we should have had the one seed but we decided to shit the bed on about 6 games that a junior team could have won.

Most of them are using goaltending as the tie breaker on that series and not home ice so they are giving the nod to Quick over Niemi.

[KoalaTrap]

I still like my title better, but this works I guess.

The draft lottery is tonight right?

8PM on NBCSN in the US (Guessing TSN for you Canadians.)


Predictions:

Bruins in 6
Penguins in 6
Rangers in 6
Canadians in 6 (Bishop is a huge loss)

Avs in 7
Blues in 7
Kings in 7
Ducks in 7

Looking forward to getting 75%-80% of this wrong. Love this time of year.

[Callisto]

Most of them are using goaltending as the tie breaker on that series and not home ice so they are giving the nod to Quick over Niemi.

That is pretty much exactly what mine came down to, though age was also a large factor. Anyone who is supposed to be a goal-scorer on San Jose other than Hertl and Couture is like 45.