2014-15 NFL Week 3: Motion to rename the Sports sub-forum "The Whooping Room"

[Bregor]

Has a bunch actually, he just has one LESS son.

Working on two less sons

Adrian Beathisson

Heady wins week 2.


Last week:

M/L: 9-7
ATS: 8-8

Overall:

M/L: 19-13
ATS: 14-18

Week 2's "I can't believe you didn't cover" team is the Packers.


THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 18TH

8:25pm EDT, CBS / NFL Network

Tampa Bay at Atlanta (-6.5) - So remember when Josh McCown was going to be the savior of the Bears and/or was better than Jay Cutler? Tampa is 31st in the league in passing offense, and only a whopping four yards ahead of last place Minnesota. At least the run game and the defense are looking okay, although slowing down St. Louis and a Cam-less Carolina team isn't anything to write home about. Still, they dropped two straight tough games at home, and now have to take the Lovie show on the road to Hotlanta. The Falcons had problems of their own, and maybe Hard Knocks followed by beating the Saints set expectations a little too high. Matty3Picks struggled all day and the defense gave up 472 yards in Cincy. To make matters worse, New Orleans losing to Cleland takes even more of the shine off their week 1 win. Roddy and JULIO are questionable, although both should play. I expect the offense to get back on track, and the Bucs can't keep up with the scoring. Falcons win and cover.


SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 21ST

1:00pm EDT, CBS

Baltimore at Cleveland (+1.5) - My buddy is a huge Steelers fan and is very pessimistic about this season, and even he was embarrassed by how Baltimore manhandled them last Thursday. I'm not sure if Baltimore was that good or Pittsburgh was that bad, but the Ravens defense forced three turnovers and my boy CJ Mosley was everywhere. Much to the chagrin of fantasy owners, they're spreading the ball around between Pierce, Forsett, SMITTY, Pitta, and Owen Daniels. Earth to Gary Kubiak: Torrey Smith still exists. Joey Flax needs to get the ball downfield, but otherwise I think Baltimore could weather the "Beats by Ray" storm and actually have a pretty decent season. Cleland shocked the world last week by dropping the Saints to 0-2. They didn't do anything special in that game, it (along with the Seattle game) is just a gentle reminder that teams that are really great at home tend to be really average on the road. The good news for the Browns faithful is Brian Hoyer is holding his own and Terrance West looks like a keeper. The defense is giving up a ton of rushing yards, but will Baltimore be able to exploit that? My guess is YUP. Start Pierce and Forsett as flex plays, and thank me later. Ravens win and cover.

San Diego at Buffalo (-2.5) - The Chargers beat Seattle and now they're a dog to the Bills. No respect for PRIVS!



It's okay, Phil. I still love you. Now losing Ryan Mathews will hurt a bit, but if Rivers can throw for 284 and 3 on the Legion of Boom, he should have a fine day in Buffalo. The last time the Bills started 2-0 was under Chan Gailey and FitzMAGIC! back in 2011. That team ended up stretching their good fortune to 5-2 before dropping seven straight games and falling out of the playoff hunt. This year's vintage could probably repeat that performance pretty well. EJ Manuel has taken care of the football so far, and the Bills as a team only have one turnover (to WHITE SAFETY!) which has been crucial to their success. But they also only have three offensive touchdown in their two wins, which speaks to good luck and Dan Carpenter's leg. San Diego was able to contain Marshawn Lynch's ground game and RussWils' short passing attack. The Bills offense is built much the same way, so I think they can get a good road win here. Chargers in the upset.

Houston at NY Giants (+2.5) - Last week I talked about Houston's favorable schedule, and seeing how they're a favorite here, we could be looking at 3-0 Houston at 3-0 Buffalo next week. GET HYPE. The report of Arian Foster's career ded was an exaggeration, as he's second in the league in rushing and looks spry as ever. And if they continue to use JJ Watt on offense, they could actually be the best and most exciting team in the division. Take that, Spittle-Face Luck. There is literally nothing exciting about the G-Men; same old geriatric coach, same old derpy quarterback, same old injury luck. For a while it looked like they'd hold off the Cardinals in their home opener, and then a punt return happened, which of course reminded me of this. Still gets me. What also gets me is that New York has not been active in the young quarterback market. They drafted Ryan Nassib out of QB factory Syracuse a year ago but is he really the heir apparent to Eli? When JJ Watt breaks Lesser Manning in half on Sunday, we might find out. That, or they could bring back Jared Lorenzen. BEEFTANK! Texans win and cover.

Tennessee at Cincinnati (-7) - Beat a playoff team on the road. Lose to the lolboys at home. Such is the riddle of Tennessee and Ken Whisenhunt, a coach who showed flashes of brilliance but never enough consistency in Arizona. They gave up 220 yards rushing to Dallas and the Hurt Locker threw two picks in the loss. They now face a tougher assignment in Cincy, who's had an impressive start to the season. The defense looks as good as ever, the Hue Jackson offense is having early success, and hopefully AJ Green won't miss too much time. Just keep Jeremy Hill and GIODUDE running and everything should be fine. Bengals win and cover.

Indianapolis at Jacksonville (+6.5) -



Best in the league. (I love Erik Walden staring at him like, "Dude, what the fuck?!") My boy TRENT actually had a few decent runs against Philly but a really costly fumble put a damper on his night. Besides, watching him run and then watching Shady and Sproles just isn't fair. Speaking of running in quicksand, Toby Gerhart's 25 carries for 50 yards is downright Shonn Green-esque. He's dealing with an ankle injury, but he's faced two NFC East defenses, so he should produce a little more than that. Not much else is going right for the Jags either, as Chad Henne was sacked ten times and all the fools who started Allen Hurns in fantasy saw him catch only two passes on six targets. As much as I'd like to see Indy start 0-3, I just don't see how the Jags pull this one off. Colts win and cover.

Oakland at New England (-14.5) - ELIMINATOR LAYUP ALERT On paper, Oakland is about as bad as anybody. Then consider that James Jones has scored a late garbage TD in both of their games and what you have is across the board ineptitude. I don't want to say the Oregon Ducks could beat them, but it'd be fun to watch. Meanwhile New England beat Minnesota in their own Whooping Room on the strength of Stevan Ridley and four Matt Cassel interceptions. I'm not sure if the Pats are really any good, but they'll be good enough. Still, that's a huge line and Shit-Ass Tom Bardy still hasn't shown me anything yet this season. Patriots win, Raiders with the points.

1:00pm EDT, FOX

Dallas at St. Louis (+2.5) - So 15-1 is still alive, Cowboys fans. DeMarco Murray is leading the league in rushing, and wayward son Rolando McClain has found a home in the middle of the defense. If they can sneak in a few wins here and there, they'll head into week 17 in Washington with a chance at the playoffs and fail miserably. The Rams got an emotional win last week and, even though Jeff Fisher won't confirm, practice squad veteran Austin Davis should get the start at quarterback. He led two 4th quarter drives to take leads and had good chemistry with third-year receiver Brian Quick. Robert Quinn just signed a gigantic contract for an end, $41.2 million guaranteed, but didn't have his best game against the Bucs. I think he bounces back here and gets in Romo's grill all day. Rams in the upset.

Washington at Philadelphia (-6.5) - Kirk Cousins for President of Football! Idiots in DC will love singing his praises this week, and for once he deserves it. Even though much of the credit for their win goes to the ground game and defense, KC1 (KC8?) was accurate and took care of the football. It's possible they could jump out front of Philly and hold on, especially since the Eagles have had slow starts in both games. But Foles 'n' Sproles will be too much for Washington, and if Philly can contain the best quarterback in the league, stopping Cousins shouldn't be too hard. Eagles win, Redskins with the points.

Minnesota at New Orleans (-9.5) - ELIMINATOR LAYUP ALERT VERSION TWO POINT OH



Is that a mug shot or a Glamour Shot? Is Teddy Bridgewater starting yet? After starting 0-2, Sean Payton and Drew Brees are going to go Wolvie Berserk Weapon X style all over the Vikes. Mark Ingram ran the ball well but now he's hurt, so Pierre Thomas could have a nice little afternoon here. New Orleans is third in total yards, second in points scored, and at home. The O/U is 51 and they might do that all by themselves (but I'd still take the under). Saints win and cover.

Green Bay at Detroit (-1) - I expected big things from Green Bay this season, but they're off to a pedestrian start. The comeback against the Jets was nice, but it's taken ARodg a game and a half to really find his groove. His career against Detroit has been stellar: 9-1 as a starter, 19 TDs to 5 INTs and almost 9 yards per attempt for a 111.0 passer rating. After Jordy's big day he should get a lot more attention, so look for Cobb to get an uptick in targets. I'm not sure what to think of Detroit right now. They handled the Giants with ease but looked completely lost in Charlotte. We all know he's going to feed Calvin Johnson but I think Fatt Stafford needs to get Reggie Bush and Eric Ebron the ball in space. But even if they get on track offensively, Green Bay will outscore them. Packers in the upset.

4:05pm EDT, FOX

San Francisco at Arizona (+3) -



Jim Harbaugh is basically an anime character at this point. If he grew 20 feet tall and had flaming yellow hair on the sidelines it wouldn't surprise me one bit. Sadly no one is talking about what a clown he is because Colin Kaepernick said a bad word (and threw three picks). It will be a huge loss if Vernon Davis misses a chunk of time because they'll probably rely on slow Anquan Boldin and slower Frank Gore to pick up the slack. I can't blame the defense too much for the Chicago loss but they didn't exactly inspire me either. Meanwhile Arizona's defense is balling out, containing the two most hilarious QBs in the league and not giving up much on the ground either. You could buy them to win right now at +125 and hope Carson Palmer plays, but it sounds like no one knows exactly when his shoulder will cooperate. For now I'll hedge a bit and pick 49ers to win, Cardinals with the points.

4:25pm EDT, CBS

Denver at Seattle (-5) - You already know about DEMARYIUS and the Tyrannical Touchdown Tosser. You already know about Swaggy Pete and the Legion of Boom and the 12th Man. You watched the Super Bowl. What do you need to hear from me? All I have to say is giving Manning and company a five-point head start seems pretty good to me, but that's gambling and no one else cares but me amirite? Seahawks win, Broncos with the points.

Kansas City at Miami (-4.5) - Andy Reid's Chefs cooked up a 9-0 start last season, and looking at their schedule I think they have a legit shot at going 0-6. Then they have the Rams and Jets at home, so 0-16 probably isn't happening, but one can only hope. I actually should give Kansas City credit for hanging around with the Broncos in Denver, but that was the result of some good luck on 3rd downs and eating up the clock. With Jamaal Charles likely still out, I have zero faith in their offense. Miami didn't fare much better last week as Tannehill dinked and dunked his way to 241 yards on 49 attempts. Their defense has played well though, and I think they can cause some turnovers and get good field position, which they weren't able to do in Buffalo. I thought I'd take the under but 41.5 is really low for a non-AFC North game, so pick your poison. Miami wins and covers.

8:30pm EDT, NBC

Pittsburgh at Carolina (-3.5) - The Steelers just looked sad last Thursday, but at least they were able to get Le'Veon Bell the ball for over 100 yards from scrimmage. It will be tougher sledding against Carolina, but he and Antonio Brown are pretty much the only two players I trust. Getting Lance Moore back would be nice but he's not exactly a game-breaker. Both Baltimore and Cleland were able to run on the Steeler's D, so look for Cam and whatever running backs aren't ded to pound it out up front. They'll likely miss Greg Hardy again, but the defense is stacked. Journeyman Mario Addison and 2nd-round pick Kony "2012" Ealy could be active up front. I'm not giving up on Pittsburgh as a playoff team just yet, but this is a really tough road game and I think Big Ben's offensive line can't hold up. Panthers win and cover.


MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 22ND

8:30pm EDT, ESPN

Chicago at NY Jets (-2.5) -



Bears in the upset.

[archibaldcrane]

Geez. Beat the 9ers, rewarded by being 2.5 point dogs at the Jets? Yikes.

[Bregor]

Geez. Beat the 9ers, rewarded by being 2.5 point dogs at the Jets? Yikes.

Yeah I checked that one again just to make sure I didn't have it backwards. Unless this is lying to me that's the current line.

[Mertron]

just posting to let skirks know the Oxford English Dictionary is never wrong.

[archibaldcrane]

Literally never wrong?

[Marootsoobutsu]

Yeah I checked that one again just to make sure I didn't have it backwards. Unless this is lying to me that's the current line.

Are there just an ape-ton of Jets fans getting hype because they only watched the first half of last week's game?

[notorious bum]

Dallas at St. Louis (+2.5)

Don't forget that Anonymous is hacking this game, so expect the distraction to cancel out the Jerry Jones factor and Tony Romo to win bigger than he's ever done before.

[Mertron]

Literally never wrong?

IN EVERY SENSE

[Bregor]

Are there just an ape-ton of Jets fans getting hype because they only watched the first half of last week's game?

Guessing it's mostly just Jets have home field and Bears defense is still Bears defense.

[Bregor]

Don't forget that Anonymous is hacking this game, so expect the distraction to cancel out the Jerry Jones factor and Tony Romo to win bigger than he's ever done before.

wat

[Conrad]

IN EVERY SENSE

>(

anyway, sparkles gon' sting dey ass

[Cail]

What the fuck is that dribble about anon

[notorious bum]

They posted on twitter about hacking everyone's data, that attends the game, then subsequently dumping it off into the black market lol Apparently they have done this in the past. The account they made the announcement on is https://twitter.com/OpFerguson

[Dimmauk]

Hmm, I thought Adrian Beathisson was mine. The cutty gif makes me forgive you.

[Arvin]

KC1 is going to literally fuck sparkles

[Dimmauk]

Geez. Beat the 9ers, rewarded by being 2.5 point dogs at the Jets? Yikes.

Jets have 6 chances to cancel their own touchdowns. BEARS BEAT J.E.T.S.

[Bregor]

Hmm, I thought Adrian Beathisson was mine. The cutty gif makes me forgive you.

I want to make *Cutty nods in approval* a thing every week

[Pendulum]

[Rhinox]

GMARSH is fuming at espn.

[Cail]

GMARSH is fuming at espn.

y