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  1. #1
    THIS IS BREGOR'S STORY
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    2014-15 NFL Week 14: Shit-Ass Versus The Bolo, and the Playoff Picture at the Quarter Pole

    (The quarter pole is often used incorrectly to describe the first quarter of an event or season. In horse racing, the quarter pole is actually the marker for when the finish line is one-quarter mile away, right before the homestretch. themoreyouknow.jpg)

    CURRENT PLAYOFF STANDINGS



    NFC: First of all, enough with the bird teams already. Drawing wings/feathers or whatever fucking sucks. Arizona is holding onto the top seed by the skin of their beaks. Their remaining schedule is pretty brutal (KC, @STL, SEA, @SF) so I don't expect them to hold that spot. In fact, they could drop three or even all four of those games and miss the playoffs entirely. Green Bay seems like a lock for a bye, they're playing their best football right now and should be favored in every remaining game. Philly is solidly in, it's just a matter of wining the East or getting a wild card. I expect New Orleans to overtake Atlanta in the South. The wild cards are a toss-up between Detroit, Philly/Dallas, and Seattle/Arizona. Detroit has the easiest road and a good all-around team, so they should hold on to one of the spots. Honestly I think Seattle wins the West and Arizona gets left out. San Fran is right there but hasn't played well enough to give me any confidence they can steal a spot from a better team.

    Papa Breggy's Projection: 1. Green Bay — 2. Seattle — 3. Philadelphia — 4. New Orleans — 5. Detroit — 6. Dallas


    AFC: They had the best old-school logos so I went with them instead. Also San Diego's logo is now a bolo tie shooting lightning bolts. Surprise, surprise, but New England and Denver have the byes and are decent bets to win out. The good news for fantasy football-types is if they're battling for home field throughout they won't rest any of their starters in week 16 (and week 17 if your fantasy league sucks). Cincy's win coupled with the rest of the division's losses gives them some breathing room. Indy's pretty much locked into a 3- or 4-seed since they lost the tiebreakers to both Denver and New England. San Diego's gutsy win in Baltimore gives them a game up on the best of the rest in the conference, with six teams currently at 7-5, but their next two are hosting the Pats and Broncos. Miami wins the last spot by having a better division record than Buffalo and a better conference record than KC and Baltimore, and those teams eliminating Cleveland and Pittsburgh through other tiebreakers. Basically, it's a mess. Liberal use of ESPN's Playoff Machine (link) to figure this shit out is recommended.

    Papa Breggy's Projection: 1. Denver — 2. New England — 3. Indianapolis — 4. Cincinnati — 5. San Diego — 6. Baltimore


    Last week:

    M/L: 9-7
    ATS: 8-8

    Overall:

    M/L: 123-68-1
    ATS: 92-98-2


    THURSDAY, DECEMBER 4TH

    8:25pm EST, NFL Network

    Dallas at Chicago (+3.5) -



    Super Bowl Week came early for Dallas when they beat Seattle back in October. Apparently December came early for them as well, as Romo and the Dallas offense got caught sleepwalking against Philly on Thanksgiving. Three turnovers, 4.6 yards per offensive play, and 4-for-12 on 3rd down were the symptoms of a team that looked unprepared against a mediocre defense. I didn't see much of the game because my Wednesday flight was cancelled (go fuck yourselves, US Air) and was traveling on Thursday, but I did catch one of the various talking heads saying Romo was an MVP candidate. He's probably the fourth or fifth best player on his own team. Anyway, I thought the defense would be Dallas's Achilles heel, but they actually held Philly to field goals to keep their team in the game. Chicago jumped out to a 14-3 lead on Detroit, but got eaten alive by Stafford and Megatron. I know the Lions have a good run defense, but 8 carries for 13 yards is pretty terrible. And it was another lackluster day for GMarsh; only six catches on 11 targets for 42 yards. The Bears have allowed 337 points this season, tied with Oakland for 30th in the league. This will be the fourth straight season Chicago misses the playoffs, and has only been once since their Super Bowl trip in 2006-07. How did it all go wrong? Trestman, Emery, and the rest of the brain trust need to get it figured out, because it seems like the rest of the NFC North is only getting better. Cowboys win and cover.


    SUNDAY, DECEMBER 7TH

    1:00pm EST, CBS

    Indianapolis at Cleveland (+3.5) - Andrew Luck started off terribly against Washington last week, turning the ball over on two of his first five snaps. That was about the only bad thing that happened for Indy, as the Colts boatraced the Redskins out of Lucas Oil. After dealing with a plodding Trent Richardson and brittle Ahmad Bradshaw, they may have found their bell cow in third-year back Daniel Herron. Hey, he couldn't be any worse than my boy, who must feel like this is his revenge game or something. Speaking of, my boy Josh Gordon didn't look quite as lethal in Buffalo last week. He and Brian Hoyer couldn't get on the same page, and he broke off some routes which led to incompletions and picks. It got so bad that Mike Pettine brought in Johnny Fucking Football, who immediately engineered a touchdown drive. So of course Mike Pettine goes back to Hoyer in this one. Vontae Davis left last week's game with a concussion, so if he's sidelined then maybe Gordon can have an easier afternoon. But it won't matter much unless Cleland's secondary can slow down Indy's passing attack. I expect Haden to draw TY Hilton and Dwayne Allen is dinged up (again) but should play. Wayne, Fleener, and Nicks need to be a factor. The only thing more common than Dallas losses in December are Cleland losses in December. Colts win and cover.

    Pittsburgh at Cincinnati (-3) - The Steelers put up 538 yards and 32 points on the Saints last week, but it wasn't enough. Two Big Ben picks, a missed field goal, and no takeaways doomed them to playing catch-up to Brees and Ingram the entire 2nd half. Ben, Bell, and Brown continue to drive one of the most potent offenses in the league, but Bell already has 281 touches with no clear candidate to help him shoulder the load. This is their first game against Cincy, and if they again fail to get turnovers, it will be a long afternoon. The Bengals looked sloppy again on the road as Dalton threw three picks in a 14-13 win over Tampa. The Bucs stopped the run game and made them one-dimensional, which is I'm sure what Pittsburgh would like to do as well. The good news is Newman, Hall, and the rest of the Bengals secondary slowed down man-beast Mike Evans, so the hope is they can do the same to Antonio Brown. AFC North games are usually ugly slugfests, so I like under-47. I'll take the Bengals to win and cover.

    NY Jets at Minnesota (-6) - The Jets gave a few Monday night Eliminator players a scare (Krandor, Azull, Melena, and Moss included) by actually playing halfway decent against Miami. They took a 13-6 lead into the 4th quarter and Geno Smith waited until he needed a 2-minute drill to turn the ball over. That game was a microcosm of the 2014-15 Jets: all defense and soul-crushingly bad offense. Even the previously effective Chris Ivory has been slumping lately. Rex Ryan has been rumored to be everything from an NFL defensive coordinator to the next head coach of the Pitt Panthers in 2015, but let's not get carried away. My hope is he gets the Raiders job and wears spikes and armor on the sideline. It was another start and another solid performance for Teddy Throwsevelt. Sure, he only had 138 passing yards, but he threw two TDs, didn't turn the ball over, and helped put the game away before halftime. He may grow into Russell Wilson Lite, with a little less scramble and a little more dropping bombs to C-Patt. I know Cordarrelle has had a rough year, but I think he can bounce back and become a dangerous receiver in 2015-16. As for the present, Vikings win, Jets with the points.

    Baltimore at Miami (-3) - The Ravens probably lost to San Diego in the 1st half when they had to settle for three short field goals in the red zone. For the game they only converted three touchdowns in seven trips inside the 20, putting pressure on their secondary who eventually relented to Felipe Rios and the Chargers. They should have an easier day against Tannehill and the Dolphins pass catchers. Forsett had another 100-yard day, and you have to wonder why he's bounced around the league so much. Seattle, Indy, Houston, and Jacksonville kicked him to the curb, but credit John Harbaugh and Ozzie Newsome for recognizing a need with Ray Rice's legal troubles and finding freely available talent. It seems like every game under Joe Philbin is a coin flip for the Dolphins. The Jets are a team they should be able to put away, but they struggled to put points on the board. I thought Lamar Miller might flourish in the Bill Lazor offense, but it just hasn't happened. He has all the tools but only 177 touches this season. And Baltimore is tough on opposing backs, so I wouldn't hold my breath for a big ground game. I'll take the Ravens in the upset.

    Houston at Jacksonville (+5) - FitzMAGIC! is back in a big way. He lit up the Titans for 358 yards and 6 touchdowns in a blowout win. JJ Watt even snagged another goal line TD catch, giving him five total touchdowns on the year. But the big story was DeAndre Hopkins with a career day, 9 catches on 9 targets for 238 yards and 2 TDs. My goodness, that's tasty. Those numbers put him at 9th in the league in receiving, and depending on the Texans QB situation next season, he's a good bet to climb even higher. Down 21-0 in the 2nd quarter, the Jags stormed back against the Fightin' Elis last week, recovering two fumbles for TDs and kicking a last-minute field goal for the win. It's a nice confidence boost for Blake Bortles, who picked up 68 yards on the ground and found a nice groove with Marqise Lee. But I think Houston's balance on offense will be too much for them. Texans win and cover.

    1:00pm EST, FOX

    St. Louis at Washington (+2.5) - RG3 Trade Revenge Game! Minus the RG3 playing part. The Rams were my Eliminator pick last week, and boy howdy did they reward my faith. They "only" gained 348 yards but won 52-0 thanks to five Oakland turnovers and 6.6 yards per carry on the ground. They also got Chris Long back, who recorded one of six St. Louis sacks on the day. It would be nice to see what the Rams could do with a solid, consistent quarterback, since their defense and run game seem pretty solid. But they've wasted the last few years waiting for Sam Bradford to re-assemble himself. Not that Shaun Hill or Austin Davis played terribly, but you wonder what they could do with a Fitzpatrick or an Alex Smith under center. The Redskins are a tire fire. Hee-Haw threw for 392 yards and 3 TDs playing from behind, but he took six sacks, fumbled four times (only lost one, miraculously) and the game was over midway through the 3rd quarter. What did the team learn by playing him over RG3? I have no idea, but we might see Bobert Triple the Third once Chris Long and Robert Quinn pummel Hee-Haw into the shitty turf at FedEx. Rams win and cover.

    NY Giants at Tennessee (PK) - The Giants just lost to Jacksonville, bringing their streak of futility to seven. Tennessee is 2-10. This is a terrible, terrible game. When I'm Tom Coughlin's age, if my job sucks as much as his, I'm either retiring or putting a bullet in my head. Zach Mettenberger has been better than I thought he'd be, but has a sprained shoulder. So I guess I'm picking the Giants.

    Carolina at New Orleans (-9.5) - When it rains, it pours. Carolina's offense and defense played okay in Minnesota last week, but two blocked punts returned for touchdowns doomed the Cats in the 1st half. Jonathan Stewart had a solid game with 110 yards from scrimmage on 14 touches. But Cam is still suffering from a lack of accuracy, and he's thrown a pick in eight straight games. If this was Washington, they'd bench him for some Cleland reject or something. But the smart choice is to let him work through his struggles, and that's just what Ron Rivera is doing. Drew Brees threw for 5 TDs but Mark Ingram continues to be a story for the Saints. His 122 yards on the ground help create a balance for a team that needs to keep its defense off the field. But yeah, that defense still sucks, so I'm not buying them in the playoffs. I just think they're the best in their shit division. Saints win, Panthers with the points.

    Tampa Bay at Detroit (-9.5) - For being a terrible team, Tampa Bay usually keeps games close. Since their bye week in mid-October, they've either won or been within one score of their opponent in every game except against Atlanta, which was 27-17. Sure, they have a ton of penalties and turnovers, but that's just a testament to their team that they're not getting blown out every week. Say what you want about Lovie Smith but he never embarrassed himself in Chicago. He has some pieces to build a pretty average team very quickly, and that might be enough in the NFC South. I was expecting the Lions to answer the bell on Thanksgiving day with a big game, and they delivered. Megatron might finally be 100%, and that's a scary thought for the rest of the NFC. I know I just said the Bucs have avoided blowouts, but this won't be close. Lions win and cover.

    4:05pm EST, CBS

    Buffalo at Denver (-10) - Buffalo turned defense into offense and put away the Browns before Johnny Football could rescue them. I've got to hand it to Jim Schwartz and the Bills defense for really coming together this season. Failed head coach into top tier defensive coordinator? Rex Ryan, take notes. The Bills are also getting healthy with CJ Spiller now returning to practice. As one of those 7-5 teams hanging around the playoff picture, they need some good luck and a few upsets to get into the postseason. Peyton Manning threw for just 179 yards against the Chiefs in Kansas City last week, his lowest total since week 12 of last year when the Patriots shut him down in Foxboro. As a result the Broncos stalled in the red zone, converting only one of seven trips there into a touchdown. The good news is CJ Anderson looks like the quick-strike running back Denver has needed since Knowshon Moreno got hurt and took off for Miami. If you like pressure on the QB, this game is for you. Buffalo leads the league with 48 sacks on the year, while Denver is tied for fifth with 34. So if you have Manning on your fake football team, it might be time to go grab Brock Osweiler just in case Mario Williams destroys him. Broncos win, Bills with the points.

    Kansas City at Arizona (-1) - KC just wrote the script on how not to beat the Broncos. Alex Smith took six sacks, the team committed three turnovers, and they only ran for 41 yards. Combined with the Oakland loss, it could be another late season swoon for Andy Reid and the Chiefs, who dropped five of their last seven in 2013, not to mention their collapse against the Colts in the playoffs. There's nothing wrong with them, but when you build a team without a legitimate downfield passing game, the margin for error is pretty slim. Speaking of collapsing, the Cardinals have also lost two straight, and Drew Stanton and the offense aren't exactly inspiring a lot of confidence. Their complete lack of a run game means that it's all on Stanton to move the ball, and it makes protecting leads all the more difficult. It's a shame, because it would have been fun to see if they could hold off Seattle for the division lead. As it is, I think they miss the playoffs. Chiefs in the upset.

    4:25pm EST, FOX

    Seattle and Philadelphia (-1.5) -



    Sorry, Dick, I have to talk about you. Seattle's defense may not be generating the big plays and turnovers it did last season, but their unit is no less potent. Sherman and company reminded everyone of this fact by suffocating the 49ers on Thanksgiving night. It was their second straight 19-3 win over a division opponent, and I feel like the team is peaking at just the right time. After the Eagles, they have one more game against all three NFC West teams, which is a great opportunity to jump back into a top playoff seed. And if anyone knows Mark Sanchez's strengths and weaknesses, it's Swaggy Pete. The Sanchize didn't exactly tear it up on Thanksgiving himself, but he didn't need to as Shady McCoy and the defense took a big dump on Jerry Jones's turducken. I think Sanchez is coasting a bit, he's played well but hasn't had to put together meaningful drives late in games. Since this game should be close, and he's facing the Legion of Boom, I'm not betting on his success. Seahawks in the upset.

    San Francisco at Oakland (+8) - Another week, another lackluster performance, another round of Harbaugh rumors. For being a former quarterback and offensive coach, the Witch King of Candlestick sure has ruined Colin Kaepernick. In his last six games, the Kaeper has 4 interceptions and only 5 touchdown passes. He's also failed to find the end zone himself all season, a curious stat for a mobile quarterback. Whether or not Harbaugh is back is less important than overhauling their offensive weapons. Boldin, Crabtree, and Gore may be reliable vets, but there is just no explosiveness to their attack any more. I hope the Raiders spent their long week enjoying the win over KC, because St. Louis just beat them like Joe Pesci at the end of Casino. Tailback Latavius Murray should play Sunday, but running on San Fran will be tough. 49ers win, Raiders with the points.

    8:30pm EST, NBC

    New England at San Diego (+3.5) -



    RAWR! BRADY MAD! The Pats' seven-game win streak ended with a thud as Belichick was forced to attempt a field goal late in the game and down by five. The rare Gostkowski miss and even more rare AR12 third down conversion sunk New England and forced them back into a tie with Denver at 9-3. After handling the Broncos, Colts, and Lions with ease, it was strange to see them battle a team that looked more in control. Is there something wrong with New England, or are they just not as good as their win streak would indicate? I think Brandon LaFell's emergence gives their offense the element they really need, and even though Rodgers tore up their secondary he does that to pretty much everybody. Don't look now but the Chargers have won three straight and are only a game back of Denver. Three 4th quarter touchdowns, the last two in the final four minutes, secured the win for San Diego. Keenan Allen has come alive, putting up 121 yards and two touchdowns last week, and Felipe Rios threw for 383 yards. After this game they host Denver, so their playoff fate could be decided sooner rather than later. Personally, I'm rooting for the bolo.



    Chargers in the upset.


    MONDAY, DECEMBER 8TH

    8:30pm EST, ESPN

    Atlanta at Green Bay (-12.5) - The 2014 Atlanta Falcons: JULIO good, everyone else not good. My boy tore up Patrick Peterson to the tune of 189 yards and a score last week as Atlanta jumped all over the Cardinals and claimed the lead in the NFC South. He's a good bet to get loose on the Packers defense as well, but it won't matter because AR12 against Atlanta's D is going to be downright criminal. It's going to be weird hearing Jon Gruden verbally fellating someone who actually deserves it, but I've gotta think he breaks out all the clichés for Rodgers and his MVP-caliber season. Packers win and cover.

  2. #2
    The Anti Miz
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    i'd be surprised if the shitass chargers make the playoffs

  3. #3
    Mr. Bananagrabber
    Sweaty Dick Punching Enthusiast

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    You shut your whore mouth

  4. #4
    The Anti Miz
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    i'd be siked if they beat the pats tho

  5. #5
    THIS IS BREGOR'S STORY
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    NFL just Ngata'd Haloti Ngata for Adderall

    Ravens' Haloti Ngata suspended for rest of regular season

    If the Baltimore Ravens are going to make the playoffs this season, they'll have to get there without defensive lineman Haloti Ngata.

    The five-time Pro Bowler was suspended for the remainder of the regular season Thursday morning for violating the NFL's policy on performance-enhancing substances.

    "I made a mistake, and I own this. I took Adderall and take full responsibility for doing this," Ngata said in a statement. "I am deeply sorry and broken up over this. I let down my family, my teammates, Ravens fans and myself. My hope is that the Ravens make the playoffs, and I believe they can do this."
    http://www.usatoday.com/story/sports...more/19884831/

  6. #6
    The Anti Miz
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    when are NFLers going to find a new drug to blame?

  7. #7
    Fuck It, I'm Goin Deep Fan Club President
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    Quote Originally Posted by tyven View Post
    i'd be surprised if the shitass chargers make the playoffs
    Jerk

  8. #8
    C A P S UNLEASH THE FURY
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    "Adderall". lol. this f'in team. no wonder he was actually playing well.

    i look forwar to another middling pick in the draft

  9. #9
    Death by snoo snoo
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    Can some steelers get suspended too?

  10. #10
    THIS IS BREGOR'S STORY
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    Bonus gifs of Hold My Dick Sherman






  11. #11
    Piece of shit Bruins fan

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    Quote Originally Posted by tyven View Post
    when are NFLers going to find a new drug to blame?
    New Orleans has a whole cabinet full of them.

  12. #12
    Brown Recluse
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    For some reason, Cutty turns into AR12 when he plays the Cowboys. Plus it's December.

  13. #13
    I would prefer not to.
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    i can't wait for maclaids to take a giant dump on shermans chest this week. and give him Ebola in the process

    YOU HEARD ME

  14. #14
    THIS IS BREGOR'S STORY
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    Quote Originally Posted by Spaghetti View Post
    i can't wait for maclaids to take a giant dump on shermans chest this week. and give him Ebola in the process

    YOU HEARD ME

  15. #15
    I would prefer not to.
    Moms Spaghetti
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bregor View Post
    it's important for people with Ebola to hydrate frequently

  16. #16
    I'll change yer fuckin rate you derivative piece of shit
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dimmauk View Post
    For some reason, Cutty turns into AR12 when he plays the Cowboys. Plus it's December.
    Rodgers doesn't play anyone as well* as Cutty plays the Cowboys (and the Titans actually)

    *minimum 2 starts, Rodgers shit on bolo bolt once

  17. #17
    Fuck It, I'm Goin Deep Fan Club President
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    Clowney on IR

  18. #18
    Death by snoo snoo
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    Quote Originally Posted by Cail View Post
    Clowney on IR
    IRrelevant

  19. #19
    I'll change yer fuckin rate you derivative piece of shit
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    So I'm editing the Disney xmas parade this year, and we have a special guest host. I'm not going to spoil who it is, but let's just say that all this parade does is win win win

  20. #20
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    Quote Originally Posted by archibaldcrane View Post
    So I'm editing the Disney xmas parade this year, and we have a special guest host. I'm not going to spoil who it is, but let's just say that all this parade does is win win win
    Lol

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