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  1. #1
    THIS IS BREGOR'S STORY
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    2014-15 NFL Week 17: Like Any Other Week

    In doing my weekly read-up on NFL news, the phrases I kept seeing the most were, "This is like any other game." or, "We'll play our best players." It seems like all 32 teams still think they have a shot at the playoffs or something. The NFL, more than any other sport, is afraid of bad teams tanking and good teams resting their best players. The first reason for this consensus, in my estimation, is the overblown intensity of the league. EVERY GAME MATTERS, EVERY PLAY MATTERS, EVERY NANOSECOND MATTERS. No, it doesn't. The Saints/Bucs game literally means nothing, but Sean Payton is probably going to march Drew Brees out there because... that's what he's supposed to do? Even playoff teams locked into their seeds are doing it, as if Wes Welker's 2009 injury never happened. What's more, the NFL doesn't have a draft lottery to discourage direct tanking like the NBA and NHL. Why wouldn't Tampa or Tennessee or Oakland play rookies and practice squad prospects to get more film on them in live game situations? Would a player like Vincent Jackson take it as a personal affront if he only plays a quarter or a half on Sunday? Because that would be fucking stupid.

    The last few years have actually been a lot better. This Sunday there are nine meaningful games (eleven if you account for all the scenarios with ties this week) which means most teams really are treating this like any other must-win game. Last year was much the same, with a ton of seeds and some byes still up for grabs. But take a closer look at last year's week 17. The 7-8 Lions trotted out Matt Stafford against the 4-10-1 Vikings. The 6-9 Giants had Eli Manning face off against the 3-12 Redskins. What if either of those guys had torn an ACL? Jim Schwartz got fired anyway, but his decision to play Stafford represented a huge risk for the Lions franchise. And would Tom Coughlin survive 2014 if he had cost the Giants their franchise QB in a meaningless game?

    Maybe owners and GMs are sending the message down the food chain that they want all their veterans to play every game. Maybe it's the message it sends in the locker room to dumbass football players who take a week 17 benching as disrespect. But there is literally nothing tangible to gain, and massive injury at risk, by playing stars in meaningless games. I hope the wheel doesn't turn ill for your favorite players, BG.


    Last week:

    M/L: 11-5
    ATS: 10-6

    Overall:

    M/L: 157-82-1
    ATS: 120-116-4


    SUNDAY, DECEMBER 28TH


    MEANINGLESS BULLSHIT

    1:00pm EST, CBS

    Indianapolis at Tennessee (+7) - The Colts are essentially locked into the 4th seed in the AFC. Dallas beat their brains in last week and Andrew Luck was benched in the 3rd quarter. With almost nothing at stake here, of course Pagano has indicated that both Luck and Hilton will suit up against Tennessee. The Titans just let Jacksonville cover on them, which is a brand of awful I can barely comprehend. They're neck-and-neck with Tampa for the top pick in next year's draft, and both teams are a mess at QB. If they think they can mold Mettenberger into a competent starter, they should trade down and stock picks. If not, then prepare your anus for Famous Jameis to become Vince Young v2.0, or worse. Colts win, Titans with the points.

    NY Jets at Miami (-5.5) - Oh, how promising things looked for the Dolphins this season. Their defense, especially the pass defense, balled the fuck out. Brent Grimes and Cameron Wake are going to the Pro Bowl for their efforts. And Ryan Tannehill has taken some big steps forward. Unfortunately the lack of consistency, especially in the run game, hurt their chances to knock off Baltimore or New England during the home stretch of the season. The team has all but confirmed Joe Philbin will be back in 2015, and with a few tweaks here and there Miami should contend again. Of course, Buffalo is getting a lot better, and New England isn't showing any signs of slowing down. The Jets, on the other hand... good luck with that. Muhammad Wilkerson needs a new contract, but he and Sheldon Richardson are still the best tackle duo in the league. Assuming Rex Ryan is canned on Black Monday, the next Jets coach will have some interesting things to play with, at least on defense. I'm just wondering what Geno Smith's future will be. I'm guessing he'll be making car commercials in Morgantown. Dolphins win and cover.

    Buffalo at New England (-5) - Beli-fucking-chick. Shit-Ass Tom Bardy. The Patriots just keep doing their thing, man. It's gotta end sometime, right? Actually the offense didn't look sharp last week, but that just means the first-teamers will play for a while, and the Pats are perfect at home. Meanwhile the Bills were right in the playoff mix and had just shut down Denver and Green Bay's offenses, but they couldn't get takeaways against Oakland and the Raiders ground them down in the end. Tough way to have your season end. They're still playing for a winning record and to keep Doug Marrone around, so I expect a tough game. Patriots win, Bills with the points.

    1:00pm EST, FOX

    Dallas at Washington (+6.5) - Technically the 'Boys can still sneak into a first-round bye, but this games shouldn't affect anything. They get the #2 seed if both Seattle and Arizona lose regardless of this game's outcome. And there's a miniscule change of the #1 seed if a bunch of losses and ties happen but who cares. Dallas just boatraced Indy into oblivion last week, and now we have to suffer through obnoxious Leroy posts on every page. Tony Romo is not the MVP of the NFL, you insufferable shit. Anyway, Romo, Dezter the Molezter, DMM, and three offensive linemen made the Pro Bowl for Dallas. Those linemen, tackle Tyron Smith, guard Zack Martin, and center Travis Frederick, are all young players and have a chance to be great together for the next decade. They're more important to Dallas's future than the triplets in my opinion. The Redskins are hot garbage. After Marc Trestman fucked my money league fantasy team by benching the greatest worst quarterback ever, I had to turn to Bobert Triple the Third, and I lost because of it. Fuck you, Marc. Fuck you, Bobert. Oh sure, they won last week, but that's just because the Iggles don't know how to win when they don't score 30 points. Cowboys win and cover.

    Chicago at Minnesota (-6.5) - RIDE DAT CUTTY TRAIN AW YISS



    I hope he goes for 400/6 in this game and Chicago trades him to Cleland for Johan Futbol. DO IT FUCKERS. And as Teddy Throwsevelt's season draws to a close, his numbers look pretty damn impressive for a rookie. 49 QBR, 85 passer rating on the season, without Adrian Deterson and with Cordarrelle Patterson being a ghost and a patchwork offensive line, that's fucking good, mang. We need some sort of AFC North/NFC North merger that plays tough football and quotes the Starks from Game of Thrones all day or some shit. But here I'll take the Bears in the upset just to troll everybody.

    Philadelphia at NY Giants (-2.5) - Mark Fucking Sanchez. This is what happens when you're a cocky as fuck offensive guru, you think you can do anything and play anyone and score points. Sure, he threw for 374/2 against Washington, but also had two turnovers and only had six targets to his best receiver. Philly dropped three straight in December and is going to stay home in January. Isn't that Dallas's thing? At least SPARKLES gets to go to his first Pro Bowl. Speaking of, how in the fuck is ODB Jr. only an alternate? He's been the best receiver in football for like eight weeks now. But give Eli credit for giving him the ball in space. It's been a rough year for the Giants, with no consistent run game and a pretty soft defense. But Tom Coughlin hasn't indicated a desire to hang 'em up just yet. Is there time and talent enough for the grumpy old man to beat the Patriots in the 2016 Super Bowl? Giants win and cover.

    New Orleans at Tampa Bay (+4) - Honestly Sean Payton missing the playoffs is almost the same story as Chip Kelly. Crucial injury (Graham instead of Foles) throwing a wrench in his offensive gears, and his adjustment is essentially ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. What makes it even more delicious is that the division was incredibly weak this year, and he still couldn't creep back into the playoffs. Tampa is 2-13 and I've been talking about how terrible the McCown/Glennon tandem has been all year. Despite that, Mike Evans and Vincent Jackson are both on the verge of 1,000 yard receiving, so there's that. Mariota is going to tear it up with those dudes. Bucs in the upset.



    PLAYOFF SPOT ON THE LINE

    1:00pm EST, CBS

    Cleveland at Baltimore (-9) - The Ravens need a win and a Chargers loss to get the last wild card spot. Normally I'd say that seems likely, but Baltimore's offensive line is a hot mess right now and Justin Forsett has a lot of mileage on the tires this season. The offense looked completely lost against Houston, but then again, Cleland's defense isn't exactly JJ Watt territory. Speaking of, the Browns will likely turn back to HOYER THE DESTROYER after Johan Futbol pulled a hammy. Of course Connor Shaw or Tyler Thigpen could launch some rockets as well. So many awesome QBs in Cleland. Remember when they were 6-3? I don't... not really, anyway. I didn't believe it. Between Johan's learning curve and Josh Gordon's suspension, it was always about 2015. Just wait, and



    Ravens win, Browns with the points.

    San Diego at Kansas City (-2.5) - For Felipe Rios and the Chargers, it's win and you're in. Pretty simple. If KC wins and Baltimore and Houston both lose, the Fightin' Andy Reids will sneak in. Rios will have to do it while half of his starting offense is hurt, in Arrowhead no less. The good news is a lot of guys who needed to step up, like Fluker and Te'o, had great games in their thrilling win over San Fran. And mentioning Te'o allows me to dig this up:



    KC's complete inability to develop a wide receiver got me curious about other receivers under Andy Reid. I found names like Torrance Small, Todd Pinkston, James Thrash, Reggie Brown, Kevin Curtis, Hank Baskett, and of course the great Freddie Mitchell. It's amazing Terrell Owens made it out of Philly alive. Between Reid's first six or seven years in Philly and his time in KC, is there a worse track record of utilizing wide receivers? It's hard to imagine. Anyway, bet on the Bolo. Chargers in the upset.

    1:00pm EST, FOX

    Jacksonville at Houston (-9.5) - Technically speaking Houston is still alive for the playoffs if a bunch of things happen. They of course have to beat the Jags at home, and also Baltimore must lose to Cleland and San Diego drops their match-up in Kansas City. That sounds... actually kind of reasonable. CASED GOD and Foster led them to a big win over Baltimore to keep that dream alive. Actually it was Randy Bullock who came up big, connecting on six field goals, five of which were in the red zone, which for a Keenum-led offense is a lot of red zone trips. The Jags had a nice win as the home favorite over Tennessee, and I feel like they're getting a little more confident every week. I hope that BORT and his rag-tag collection of rookie receivers can continue to improve together. Betting on Jacksonville two weeks in a row? Sure thing! I don't need money! Texans win, Jaguars with the points.

    4:25pm EST, CBS

    Carolina at Atlanta (-4) - Ladies and gents, your NFC South play-in game. This just has to be an ugly, sloppy mess of a game, or else it won't be worthy of the NFC South. Although their competition hasn't been top-notch, Carolina has looked good for three weeks in a row. First of all, they remembered how do they shot defense. KEEKLEE makes his second straight Pro Bowl and the unit has done a good job of making up for the absence of Greg Hardy. And last week they clicked offensively, churning out 400 yards against Cleland as J-Stew had a big day and Cam-Cam found eight different receivers in the passing game. And you know I love the Great Cornjulio but Carolina bottled him up the last time they played. Can Atlanta's offense work if they don't get production from Jones? I want to see more of Devonta Freeman after he saw more touches last week. But most of all I want to see Cail and Gad upset at actually making the playoffs and getting a worse draft pick. Panthers in the upset.



    SEEDING AND BYES AND SHIT

    4:25pm EST, CBS

    Oakland at Denver (-14.5) - COLD WEATHER PEYTON. The Broncos can still salvage a bye with a win against the Raiders of all teams. Thanks, NFL scheduling! Denver is just 4-4 on the road but a perfect 7-0 at home so far. This week's narrative is, "ZOMG WHAT'S UP WITH PEYTON?! NO ARM STRENGTH! NO SUPER EFFECTIVE AUDIBLES! WHAT'S GOING ON?!" That's not really fair. Remember when the hive-mind wanted to bench Shit-Ass for Jimmy Garoppolo? This is just a bump in the road. And I'm sure DEMARYIUS is going to blow up now that I don't need him to in fantasy. THANKS, GUY. Don't look now but Oakland is 3-2 in their last five games. They're getting consistent production from Latavius Murray, something they've lacked with DMC and MJD all year. Derek Carr is probably never going to be a world-destroyer but he's handled the starting job pretty well. BORT, Teddy B, and Carr have all shown why they were thrust into their starting roles, and Johan Futbol and Mettenberger could round out a very strong 2014 QB class. But this game is all about Denver taking care of business. Broncos win and cover.

    4:25pm EST, FOX

    Detroit at Green Bay (-7.5) - So the winner takes the NFC North and is guaranteed a bye. Pretty good. Detroit used to be the stuff of late-season swoons and inconsistency. This year's vintage has won four straight and is shutting the door on opponents with their terrifying defense. They're so tough even the offensive line is acting like Donkey Kong Suh and stomping on jokers. Green Bay got back on track last week with a solid win over Tampa. I was worried after they gave up 37 points to Atlanta and looked lost in Buffalo, but a big win here and they're one again in the catbird seat in the NFC. AR12 is dealing with a bum calf but he's practicing and should be ready to go. That 7.5 looks like a lot but I think Green Bay at home is just too tough. Packers win, Lions with the points.

    Arizona at San Francisco (-5.5) - Arizona, with their three- (possibly four-) headed monster at quarterback, are in the playoffs, and can even get a bye with a win and a Seattle loss. Of course the Seahawks just beat them senseless in the 4th quarter last Sunday, and now Ryan Lindley might get benched and rookie Logan Thomas could start for the Cards. Drew Stanton could be back for the playoffs, but so what? That offense isn't going to carry them to too many postseason wins. San Fran, along with Washington, are my favorite disasters this season. At least we knew the 'Skins would be hot garbage, but how did this happen for the '9ers? Up 28-7 at halftime, they come apart at the seams in all facets of the game. Kaeper can't get the ball downfield. The defense gives up three 2nd half TDs by Felipe. And it couldn't happen to a nicer head coach. Honestly, this is me watching San Fran collapse:



    If you think I'm being harsh, I am. Fuck you, San Fran. Enjoy your lucky as fuck THREE WORLD SERIES TROPHIES you ungrateful sacks of shit. I honestly don't know why the '9ers are favored by more than a field goal here. Whatever. Cardinals in the upset.

    St. Louis at Seattle (-12.5) - Seattle can win at home and get the top seed in the NFC. This is the nightmare scenario for everyone else in the conference. We talk a lot about Hold My Dick Sherman being the scary black man and the media's reaction to him. But I think BEASTMODE deserves consideration:



    This is why Swaggy Pete is the best. He's a white bread, pleated pants-wearing motherfucker, coaching in a city full of terrible, hipster beard-having, free trade coffee-drinking millennials, and in a league full of scary black men he deploys the scariest and the blackest, and he does so with so much fucking swagger. Unless you're a fan of one of their division rivals, I dunno how you could hate anyone on Seattle. The Rams made a little noise during the season, especially by beating this Seahawks team back in week 7, but the offense is bland and the defense relies on getting to the quarterback too much. Last week they only had one sack on Eli, and he carved them up. Have fun chasing down RussWils all damn day. Seahawks win, Rams with the points.

    8:30pm EST, NBC

    Cincinnati at Pittsburgh (-3.5) - This is a strange game to cap what should be a great NFL Sunday. This game decides the AFC North title, sure, but only Cincy can get a bye, and that's only if Denver loses to Oakland. Otherwise the winner gets the 3rd seed and the loser the 5th. Not an earth-shattering difference there unless you actually like the Colts all that much. Anyway, all of a sudden Jeremy TRILLHOUSE and GIODUDE are both healthy and racking up big yardage. That's good because AJ Green is still battling a biceps injury and you want the ball out of Andy Dalton's hands as much as possible, unless he's running, in which case he's the FASTEST GINGER IN THE WORLD. Is Cincy's defense good, or did Cold Weather Peyton just show up last week? That last pick by Dre Kirkpatrick was about as easy as they get. It was tough sledding for Pittsburgh against KC last week but once again they had Big Ben, Bell, and Brown come up huge. The stat sheet isn't impressive but Brown and Bell finding the end zone in a heavyweight fight was very important for the complexion of the rest of the game. Roethlisberger is now 2nd in the league in passing yards, just 36 behind Drew Brees. IS HE ELITE—*shoots self in face* Steelers win and cover.

  2. #2
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    Peyton Manning is in decline. He's just not a very good quarterback anymore, Steve.

    People keep saying "Oh, he doesn't suck ass now. Remember when a bunch of dumb asses said that about Tom? Now look at Tom! #1 seed and MVP candidate!"

    Peyton isn't Tom. He doesn't do what Tom does. He's never been capable, and they aren't the same person. Tom Brady goes all Super Saiyan. Manning goes all sulking pouty-face shit-his-pants.

    Tom > Peyton.

    Peyton is a wilting bitch and October is over. Don't expect the Forehead to Omaha his way to another humiliating Superbowl beat down with his shit quarterback play and the Patriots healthy. Guy is surrounded by pro bowlers and he's going to fall apart like he always does.

    Go Pats baby

  3. #3
    Fuck It, I'm Goin Deep Fan Club President
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    This thread should have been titled The 1 day return of The Miz

  4. #4
    Ironing this Thread
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    I feel like we get one of these tom bardy posts every year around this time. At least it's consistent.

  5. #5
    The Mizzle Fizzle of Nikkei's Haremizzle

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    Quote Originally Posted by Cail View Post
    This thread should have been titled The 1 day return of The Miz
    DAY 2, SON!

  6. #6
    Brown Recluse
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    2014-2015 NFL WEEK 17: FUCK YOUR FANTASY CHAMPIONSHIP

  7. #7
    If I screw up again Im gone forever.
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    Fuck you bregs. Room is MVP of my heart. Romowink.gif

  8. #8
    Black Guy from Predator.
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    The Immortal Bill Duke

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    gay

  9. #9
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    Quote Originally Posted by NinjaLotter View Post
    Peyton Manning is in decline. He's just not a very good quarterback anymore, Steve.

    People keep saying "Oh, he doesn't suck ass now. Remember when a bunch of dumb asses said that about Tom? Now look at Tom! #1 seed and MVP candidate!"

    Peyton isn't Tom. He doesn't do what Tom does. He's never been capable, and they aren't the same person. Tom Brady goes all Super Saiyan. Manning goes all sulking pouty-face shit-his-pants.

    Tom > Peyton.

    Peyton is a wilting bitch and October is over. Don't expect the Forehead to Omaha his way to another humiliating Superbowl beat down with his shit quarterback play and the Patriots healthy. Guy is surrounded by pro bowlers and he's going to fall apart like he always does.

    Go Pats baby
    I've missed this.

  10. #10
    Cardiac Cat
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    In a word, Rodgers.

  11. #11
    Mr. Bananagrabber
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    Oh man, NinjaLotter AND Miz? This thread is going places in spite of the shitty title.

  12. #12
    Fuck It, I'm Goin Deep Fan Club President
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    Quote Originally Posted by Krandor View Post
    Oh man, NinjaLotter AND Miz? This thread is going places in spite of the shitty title.
    I know right

  13. #13
    The Anti Miz
    The Anti Miz of the House of Weave

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    between the manti gif, ninja lotter, and miz, this really is christmas

  14. #14
    C A P S UNLEASH THE FURY
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    it is my dream for the shit ass panthers or the shit ass falcons to stumbe into knocking out a really good NFC team in the playoffs

  15. #15
    The Anti Miz
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    Quote Originally Posted by Xajii View Post
    it is my dream for the shit ass panthers or the shit ass falcons to stumbe into knocking out a really good NFC team in the playoffs
    would lel x 100

    completely possible too since the Cardinals are technically a really good TEAM they just have anal gape at qb

  16. #16
    Brown Recluse
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    Quote Originally Posted by Chun Liroy View Post
    Room is MVP of my heart.
    THE WORST

    My friend at ESPN sent this to me, I don't think Ive ever seen something more true
    Register to see the NSFW content

  17. #17
    The Mizzle Fizzle of Nikkei's Haremizzle

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    Quote Originally Posted by Krandor View Post
    Oh man, NinjaLotter AND Miz? This thread is going places in spite of the shitty title.
    LOL

  18. #18
    I'm almost as bad as Mazmaz
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dimmauk View Post
    My friend at ESPN sent this to me, I don't think Ive ever seen something more true
    Register to see the NSFW content
    Surely Boomer has to count.

  19. #19
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    Philly sports twitter was doing Eagles Christmas carols yesterday and they were brilliant. I wrote a few but this is my favorite

    Sanchez, the backup QB,
    Had a very wimpy arm.
    And if you ever saw it,
    It'd do your team some harm.

    All of the other QBs
    Used to laugh and call him names (like buttfumble!)
    They wouldn't let poor Sanchez
    Play in any football games (like the playoffs!)

    Then one fateful Sunday night,
    Kelly came to say
    "Foles's shoulder is a blight,
    Won't you start this game tonight?"

    Soon all the CBs loved him
    As they caught his passes with glee.
    Sanchez, the backup QB,
    You'll go down in infamy! (like Tim-my Tebow!)

  20. #20
    Mr. Bananagrabber
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rhyis. View Post
    Surely Boomer has to count.
    Or you know, some guy who played at Alabama and won that Super Bowl thing.

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