SUPER BOWL XLIX: Scary Black Men versus Dirty Rotten Cheaters

[Bregor]

Last week:

lol pro bowl

Overall:

M/L: 175-90-1
ATS: 136-126-4


SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 1ST

6:30pm, NBC

Seattle versus New England (-1)

I am excited for the Super Bowl. For the second year in a row we have the pleasure of watching the two actual best teams in football play each other for the championship. We all remember last year's boat race—Seattle jumped all over Denver early, didn't let up defensively, and the game was decided after the 2nd half kickoff resulted in a Seahawks touchdown. While it's possible that could happen again, I really think both teams will show up and we'll be treated to some top-notch football.



The Seattle Scary Black Men are loathed by NFL officials and casual racists everywhere. "Oh no, Richard Sherman is yelling on my TV screen! Russell Wilson is wearing those rapper headphones, he seemed like such a nice young man but that's against the rules! Gosh, I sure hope Marshawn Lynch doesn't have his golden cleats! And can you believe his non-answers at the Super Bowl media days?!" I still can't get over this scorching hot take from Twitter yesterday:



I think we've found the Ur-Tweet. All moronic opinions, missing-of-points, and obvious trolls can be traced back through time to this singular moment. I no longer have eyebrows due to the hotness of said take. Anyway, it's a shame that the talk of the last two weeks has been #Ballghazi and Lynch not answering boring questions with clichés, because I'm still not over the Seahawks comeback win over the Pack two weeks ago. Green Bay has a 99.9% chance of winning with 3:07 left in the game:



Of course, 3:07 is when that fateful onside kick took place:



(Sorry, archi.) The rest is history. In 2015, when you think offense you think lots of passing, and therefore you might dismiss a team that was 27th in passing yards and only had 20 passing TDs all season. Their top two receivers, Doug Baldwin and Jermaine Kearse, were undrafted free agents and have never put up eye-popping stats. But Seattle plays football like it's 1985. They run the ball to the tune of 172.6 yards per game, and put up 194 yards on the Packers. While he's no Bo Jackson, Marshawn Lynch possesses a rare combination of agility and physicality that you don't often see in a three-down back. It's Lynch's POWER and Wilson's creativity that fuel the offense, and it's refreshing to see them succeed without that marquee wide receiver in an era where all the rules favor passing. And speaking of rules, the Legion of Boom ain't give a fuck about your defensive holding, illegal contact, or pass interference flags. Led by scary black man former Stanford honors student and master's degree earner Richard Sherman, Seattle's defense is about as smart and physical a unit as I've ever seen. The style reminds me of one of my favorite football teams of all-time, the undefeated 1992 Alabama Crimson Tide. (Look up that team and its star corner Antonio Langham, kids.) The five-yard "chuck" rule is still in effect but old school bump-and-run coverage is all but gone in practice. The genius of Pete Carroll, Dan Quinn, and Gus Bradley before him is the way the Seahawks are able to play so physically against the pass with an acceptable number of flags against them. It's worth a few penalties to establish their style of play against an opponent, and it's been wildly successful over the last two years. And that doesn't even include the speed and strength in their front seven. What it all adds up to is lots of this:





Meanwhile, the New England Dirty Rotten Cheaters have been facing one of the bigger controversies during Super Bowl week that I can remember. This isn't some bullshit hit piece about deer-antler spray or a postgame rant, this is a charge of legitimate cheating in a conference championship game. Now there's apparently video of some Patriots mook taking the game balls into a bathroom for all of 90 seconds. There's enough here for further investigation, but my reaction to #Ballghazi has been:



Everyone from Drew Brees and Aaron Rodgers to Phil Jackson is weighing in with stories, but it's pretty clear what's going on. Players, coaches, and teams across all sports tinker with game-used equipment. Period. Is the Baseball Hall of Fame going to toss out every pitcher who roughed up a ball on the mound? Of course not. #Ballghazi is a media-driven witch hunt and I'm sick and fucking tired of hearing about it. Just set your DVR for when Al and Cris will awkwardly talk about balls, it's sure to be a good sound bite.

As for the actual Patriots, I thought they would steamroll Indianapolis and they rewarded my faith. But that had more to do with how untalented and under-prepared I thought Indy was. Still, it's easy to get a halftime lead and coast, letting your opponent hang around. But New England put the game out of reach with three straight touchdowns in the 3rd quarter. Apparently LaGarrette Blount only works in a Pats uniform, because he sucked in Pittsburgh but rattled off 148 yards and three touchdowns against the Colts. I doubt he'll have the same success against Seattle's front, but establishing the run will go a long way to keeping the Seahawks speed rushers off Brady's back. Defensively, the Pats didn't sack Andrew Luck but did provide some good pressure, forcing inaccurate throws and two picks from the Caveman. They will need to contain Russell Wilson in the pocket, and I'm not sure how they'll handle that because they haven't played against many running quarterbacks this season. The closest thing to RussWils they faced was Geno Smith twice, and they struggled in both games against the Jets. Much like Seattle, their strength is in the secondary where Darrelle Revis and Brandon Browner should be able to handle Kearse and Baldwin with ease, as long as they maintain good disciple when Wilson escapes the pocket. As always, the real wild card for the Pats will be Rob Gronkowski:



uh

dude

uh

how are you not ded

Gronk is a physical freak, a behemoth with unusually soft hands for a tight end and hey wait up I feel like we're straying into erotic fan fiction here so I'm gonna stop. Long story short, he just put up a 1124 yard, 12 TD season, and has 136 yards and 2 TDs in the playoffs. Now, Seattle possesses the personnel to slow Gronk down in safety Kam Chancellor and linebackers KJ Wright, Bobby Wagner, and Bruce Irvin. You can bet Pete Carroll will have a solid game plan for contending with Gronk, but so do lots of people. If he is able to impose his will and Brady finds him in space, I don't care how many DBs they throw at Gronk. Brady, for his part, has a bit of a cold entering the Super Bowl, but with the warm climate and retractable roof stadium he won't have to worry about the sniffles during the game. I don't think his play will suffer. But I am worried about New England in the trenches. Their offensive and defensive lines are in danger of being pushed around, and I think Brady won't be able to handle a collapsing pocket.

Avoid the over/under at 47.5 or lower, if you can get it up to 48 or higher then I like the under. But SEA+1 looks like the best bet to me. In fact, take the moneyline and ride Tricky Dick Sherman, BEASTMODE, RussWils, and Swaggy Pete to some FREE MONEY.







Seahawks 30, Patriots 17

[tyven]

upvote OP

[Cutriss]

When asked about Tom Brady having a cold, Dick Sherman laughed and said "My arm doesn't have a cold".

[6souls]

[Wulfgang]

Good job Bergor, but I think the Pats roll easy unless SEA secretly signed Eli Manning. Final score NE 27 - SEA 17. Also, looking forward to losing every quarter in my Super Bowl squares for like the 15th year in a row.

[Cail]

Working a double starting Sunday night. oh darn

[AidenCarby]

My weekend to work, gonna miss UFC and Superbowl. Feelsbadman.jpg

[Xajii]

count me in for the "probably gonna miss the game due to work" team

[Aksannyi]

My mom is in town this weekend, she wants to watch it only for the halftime show, but I'm interested in hoping for a Pats loss, personally. Might be a little annoying watching with her though, she's one of those people who always has to talk through everything.

[AidenCarby]

Hey fuck you

[Rhyis.]

Looking forward to beast mode doing some damage on Sunday, if for no other reason then he's awesome to watch.

[notorious bum]

I hope Lenny Kravitz gets more than last year's RHCP treatment. Katy Perry better flash some nip, too. Go Hawks.

[Cutriss]

What the fuck is a Geep Chryst

[Moss]

Gronk gif is mesmerizing

[Demosthenes11]

I have enough weed to make snoop dogg/lion/dragon/spaceman say "hold the fuck on" but I'm still concerned it's not enough to get me through the anxiety of this game.

Taking Pats 24 Seawhawks 23

[Boyiee]

Got my new 70" hung and wires hidden in the wall just in time for the game. Hope it isn't anything like last year.

[Krandor]

I think the Pats will win in a one score game.

[notorious bum]

Let's just pray to Xenu that this Superbowl isn't determined by flags(player derpiness) or controversial calls.

[Serra]

While I disapprove of cheating.. My hatred towards Seattle still has a good ten+ years to fester. Gooooo Cheaters!

[tyven]

Count me in for Pats by a score or by a blow out. UGH