Real Talk : Suicide/Depression

[Rhyis.]

[Sho]

I've also had my bouts with depression in my younger years. This started with a more or less broken home (dad ran out on me and my mom), and was compounded by years being a 1st Generation Nigerian-American, living in the racist, deep south of Georgia not far from a rough ghetto. This means being a kid with no father, who really couldn't identify with being African, African-American, or even just American. Being seemingly hated by people for just being black, and hated by black people because I was darker, it was pretty rough. Add this to the fact that I'm typically a guy who has his head on his shoulders, so I started thinking outside of myself and ending up with the conclusion that we in general live in a very shitty world -- one which is ran by greed, a mentality of "I got mine, to hell with everyone else." It's a pretty cold world out there.

I spent a couple years of my life hiding away in FFXI (like how I assume many others here) and just languishing away. Eventually I found out that it's simply not worth it at all. Being depressed is simply something everyone must fight internally deep down. And it's a hard fought battle when you can at times have constant demons and thoughts racing in your mind that compel you to do absolutely nothing in life, opt to kill yourself, or others, or do any manner of unfortunate things.

I personally fought this battle by remembering and relearning the beauty of just being alive and here in this moment and time. An act of growing up in a way. I then expressed such feelings outward and devoted myself to never truly hating anyone based on who they are, their status in life, or where they came from. I just attempt to be good to everyone who crosses my path and simply moving on if they are the type of person to express negativity for the sake of being negative. You can be nice to people, but in general one must learn that they can't save everyone, so just try to spread some good feels around and keep it moving. For a depressed person who is trying to beat depression once and for all, it's imperative to force yourself into good thoughts and feelings 24/7, and away from the negative at all costs. And there are many paths to reach this mindset. For me, it was learning the human nature of others, music, religion, gaming, politics, working, and copious amounts of weed. Watching the great Robin Williams pass on due to depression was more or less another turning point for me -- despite already being years free of severe depression, I made a promise to myself to never go back to such thoughts.

If anyone wants to talk to me about how they feel at this moment, feel free to shoot me a PM anytime. I'll always be there to listen and help out where I can.

[Wulfgang]

Keep on, keeping on friends. Suicide is a poor option.

[BaneTheBrawler]

This is really the first time someone I know (as opposed to someone I know of) has killed themselves. I keep thinking maybe if I'd reached out, she might have felt better about staying here. I know BG served as a support structure, and I feel like I failed her. Intellectually, I know that's stupid and self centered. But I can't help it.

[Xantavia]

I don't struggle with thoughts of suicide - I've basically accepted it as an inevitability. I hate this world, and nearly every single person in it. I've been unemployed for 7 months, and my death approaches more quickly as my savings dwindle. I have no desire to get a job simply to continue existing, so I enjoy what time I have left playing games and arguing with people on the internets. Been seeing multiple therapists for months, group therapy once a week for weeks, antidepressants, etc. Nothing changes.

The world is shit, and the absence of suffering is more appealing than the futile hope that society and life will miraculously change for the better. Also inb4 some jackass posts that fucking suicide hotline so they can feel like they've actually done something even though the people that would call such a thing would never go through with it to begin with. There's a difference between cry for help suicidal and actually accepting that you will die suicidal.

Not trying to be a smartass, but maybe lay off the videogames and internet arguing for awhile. I know how easy it can be to fall into a routine that just makes you more depressed. I hate spending too much time in my own head, because I spend more time thinking about what I hate about my life. Wake up, go to X website, play Y game, go to bed. Your life is on autopilot at that point and you can't see any change in the future. I don't know, maybe it is something that has come up for you in therapy, and you tried it and it didn't make any difference. I just know that for myself, breaking routine is important.

And yes, working just to exist isn't anybody's idea of a good time. As much as I dislike my job, it is also important to keep things different for me. Dealing with the public sucks, and you see a lot of the same stuff every day, but at the same time, I get that one customer once a week that can make for an interesting story. I start thinking about them when it happens, and forget about myself at least for a little bit. Can't say that is healthy either, but I'm not gonna worry if I don't think about it too much.

[Ratatapa]

I often though and tried maybe 2 times about killing myself when I was in high school (the classic intimidation, getting beat up and all), and even though it might not be the best thing, I found refuge in gaming, and I learned alot about what I could've missed if I actually succeeded when i was younger.

It also made me realize, that you cannot please everything/be liked by everyone. What ever you do there will always be people that will not accept who you are, and will try to either put you down or try to change to be like the others. DON'T, stay yourself.

World will be boring if we are all the same. I do consider myself lucky to have been able to get out of it by myself, and imo it made me stronger in RL, but I understand how it can be hard to talk to people about it, but you shouldn't be ashamed. Find good people that will listen/help. It doesn't have to be a Psychiatrist, it can be familly, friends (or at the last resort, a well known forum where you can talk with others that feel the same).

Talk about it don't keep the pression inside it won't help it's gonna make you sick and do actions you will regret. TALK and it's not just about suicide, it's for other things too, (depression, sexual abuse and all).

Talking is the best remedy imo


P.S tried my best to format this correctly, let's hope people will understand my point like I meant it to be

[Myrrh_Quetz]

When I was a teen, my Cousin got raped and got pregnant from said rape. She ended up killing herself. It sucks losing someone to suicide.

With my health over the years, being in extreme pain, sitting in hospitals, and knowing that in a few months I could be dead, i'd be lying if I said I never had a thought here or there about it. Hell, I remember one time, when I was living alone, my health pretty much at its lowest, I walked into the kitchen, took a knife and just held it at my wrist. Probably debated with myself for a good hour just standing there. I didn't have anyone that understand that life. In the end, it came down to me saying outloud. "Fuck life, Fuck it up its stupid ass. If there is a God, he can go fuck himself. I am not giving any higher power the satisfaction of me killing myself. I will live out every shit day till the very end." And to this day, whenever I feel down I think back to that moment and it helps.

If I had killed myself back then, I wouldn't be in this great spot I am in now. I'm getting married FFS. Since I was 13, I never thought that would happen.

Life sucks, life will always suck, people are selfish idiots. Everything we are, are the good and the bad. If we can't make it through the bad, we can never truly enjoy the good.

I wish people would never get to the point where they feel that killing themselves is the best option. There are always better options, in my opinion. Life constantly changes. There is no change in death.

Just my thoughts on it, anyways.

[kuronosan]

I don't struggle with thoughts of suicide - I've basically accepted it as an inevitability. I hate this world, and nearly every single person in it. I've been unemployed for 7 months, and my death approaches more quickly as my savings dwindle. I have no desire to get a job simply to continue existing, so I enjoy what time I have left playing games and arguing with people on the internets. Been seeing multiple therapists for months, group therapy once a week for weeks, antidepressants, etc. Nothing changes.

The world is shit, and the absence of suffering is more appealing than the futile hope that society and life will miraculously change for the better. Also inb4 some jackass posts that fucking suicide hotline so they can feel like they've actually done something even though the people that would call such a thing would never go through with it to begin with. There's a difference between cry for help suicidal and actually accepting that you will die suicidal.

There is a difference between nihilism and losing the will to live. Sometimes I think if it weren't for my wife and daughter I'd be a wreck. I constantly struggle with having a brain that never shuts off, senses that can never attune, and an intuitive aptitude that never goes away. The world is so unbelievably saturated to me that I'm overstimulated and don't sleep much.

I can't imagine what you must be feeling or what your life must be like, but you should know that regardless of suicide hotlines or psychotherapists, you can still save yourself. I don't look at society as a cesspool (even though most of it is), I look at the world as a giant social circle I exist in and somewhere in that circle are good people. I surround myself with those ones, and kick the other ones aside.

I mean, let's be realistic. I'm saddled with tens of thousands of dollars of debt, would kill to be rich so I could be a Batman or Tony Stark in an instant, and struggle balancing logic with empathy (I feel terrible for the bad guys in shows or movies) constantly. I hate my brain. I've had days where I thought it might be better if I just die.

But. I see the smiles and reactions when I crack good jokes. I see the smiles on people's faces when they see how patient and understanding I am when they talk to me. I see that with whatever it is I am capable of, I can make a difference is someone's life. It changes everything. I decide to keep on existing.

You might think of suicide as an inevitability, but I think of it as a coward's way out of a cry for help. I think it's a terrible and selfish thing to do, and I cry inside everyone somebody does it.

How awful do they have to feel before they feel it's worth not existing anymore? How terrible are the pains and people in their life to coerce them to do such a thing?

If you kill yourself because society will never change, I am at war with myself between not having sympathy for you and feeling nothing but.

The fact that you are not dead shows you do not believe in what you say. I don't think suicide is the end for you. I think it is a fear; a fear that you shouldn't indulge. You post valuable things. You offer perspective.

As cheesy as it sounds, you make a difference somewhere.

[Spicyryan]

I've been being a good poster the last few days and just swimming with the fish downstream around here as everyone is hurting.

I have a feeling that my emotional fortitude and philosophy on suicide are rather divergent.

You know, I can't use that word without thinking of that terrible movie series. -_-

[Biggz]

I've struggled with depression myself for longer than I can remember. I can also relate to the feeling that life itself does not matter. There are days when I wake up wondering what is the point of it all. Life feels very empty at times. Even gotten to the point where I talked myself into thinking that suicidal thoughts were just normal for me. The only thing that has ever prevented me from going thru with it is the thought of how much it would kill my mother. She's lost enough love ones in her life that I don't know if she could handle one more. Everyday can still be a struggle for me. Find a reason or find anything that makes you want to live and hold onto it. Like most I have trouble talking about these things with other people. For whatever its worth if anyone here needs someone to talk to who can relate feel free to message me.

[Brill Weave]

I've been being a good poster the last few days and just swimming with the fish downstream around here as everyone is hurting.

I have a feeling that my emotional fortitude and philosophy on suicide are rather divergent.

You know, I can't use that word without thinking of that terrible movie series. -_-

Um good for you? What was the point of that? To point out that you feel differently about suicide? k mission accomplished I guess.

[Blubbartron]

I've struggled with depression myself for longer than I can remember. I can also relate to the feeling that life itself does not matter. There are days when I wake up wondering what is the point of it all. Life feels very empty at times. Even gotten to the point where I talked myself into thinking that suicidal thoughts were just normal for me. The only thing that has ever prevented me from going thru with it is the thought of how much it would kill my mother. She's lost enough love ones in her life that I don't know if she could handle one more. Everyday can still be a struggle for me. Find a reason or find anything that makes you want to live and hold onto it. Like most I have trouble talking about these things with other people. For whatever its worth if anyone here needs someone to talk to who can relate feel free to message me.

This is fairly common. Part of the reason I isolate myself from others is because I don't want to continue living a shit life just because not living my shit life will make someone else sad. A guilt trip to continue existing is bullshit, and that's precisely what it is.

[Sho]

There is a difference between nihilism and losing the will to live. Sometimes I think if it weren't for my wife and daughter I'd be a wreck. I constantly struggle with having a brain that never shuts off, senses that can never attune, and an intuitive aptitude that never goes away. The world is so unbelievably saturated to me that I'm overstimulated and don't sleep much.

Not to necessarily turn this into weed discussion, but I can tell you up front that marijuana helps me out immensely with my thought process and to stay the course with my tasks. Usually depression is a by-product of an over active mind that takes in the overload of information that exists and is shared in the world now. It's very easy to become restless and feel hopeless that whatever you do or say will mean or affect absolutely nothing at all. Good bud will force you to relax, slow down and refocus your thoughts unto what matters, and for those highly intelligent types, allows for higher thinking that typically does not exist when a mind is overloaded. In fact, I keep a notebook beside me at all times when I have a session and write down my thoughts -- whatever those thoughts may be.

I'd say give it a shot if you haven't already.

[BerenTebogo]

Eh that's kinda sketchy advice. Weed (all drugs legal and not) effect people differently

Sometimes weed makes me extremely paranoid, which if coupled with me being in a shitty mental state, makes for a suuuuuuper bad time.

Drinking always makes me happy as fuck, which is not true of everyone.

With mood altering substances ymmv. Be careful with all of them if you're in a shitty place mentally.

[Brill Weave]

Blubb I had a response typed up for you but I scrapped it. So I'm going short and sweet. Everyone has felt the way you do. Not to the extreme level you're at. You're talking about giving up because of the lack of hope etc. My question is what are you doing to improve it? Nothing. What will you have done if you end it? Nothing. Don't give up too soon dude. Seriously. The world is a colossally fucked up place. But you can find happiness in it if you try. If you coop yourself up all day doing nothing but playing games you're missing out.

[kuronosan]

I was put on Adderall but it made me too aggressive.

My struggle has more to do with my ADHD and less to do with too much stuff in the world.

My brain assigns importance to everything and then weeds out the garbage at like a mile a minute.

Sometimes I get yanked inside and zone out (with little memory of how much time elapsed).

I don't smoke, so weed is out of the question.

[Spicyryan]

I figured I would throw out random tips since a lot of people seem to have a bit of depression issues.

There is the obvious losing weight if you are overweight, but sunlight (not too much or you need sunscreen, and I personally hate having to apply it!) helps if you are indoors a lot like most of us are. I am sure there are ways to get sunlight when we get to the next obvious one of:
Meet someone new! People are the best cure really, and no we don't count as your main source.
Processed foods are also negative on your mood if you can cut back on them at all. Now enough with the less obvious ones.

On the flip side while multivitamins are largely useless there are herbs that are beneficial to mood if you are into that.
You can take them as a supplement, but I wouldn't if you are actually on any medications. But, if you are not you can even just put them in your tea (don't drink it? should experiment, and no not tea with sugar like Arizona) or something. Pretty much anything from cinnamon to zinc comes in cheap capsule form and by that I mean things such as:
Omega 3s (fried fish/ McDonalds fish sandwich are not the same and does more harm than good) from taking fish oil if that is your thing. Fish oil has a thumbs up in the medical community not just for heart benefit, but for mood. Personally, I prefer to get omega 3s from actual food instead as that is more effective (afaik).
Who doesn't like sushi anyway?
Never had it?
Well it is time to find that local sushi place you never knew about because super market sushi is gross sushi.

St. John's wort, saffron, ginseng, passion flower (also helps with insomnia) etc. of course if you did use any of these don't go overboard.

Sam e is a supplement that has positive effects on depression, and is apparently used as a prescription in Italy, Spain, and Germany according to the interwebz which is my new thing I learned today and can use as a useless fun fact. I would not take it if you are already on anything, and I also don't recommend anything past natural things. Personally though if I was depressed I wouldn't want to take a prescription drug. I am not against medication by any means (pro vaccinations! ), but I am just weary of psychotropic drugs as others around here may be.

I am not a medical anything. Just a guy who likes to sit and drink his tea at lunch, and knows somethings about some herbs. So take it for what it for what it is worth.

EDIT:

Um good for you? What was the point of that? To point out that you feel differently about suicide? k mission accomplished I guess.

Almost missed this, and no if we are all venting around here and some people are talking about their issues. Then that is a minor issue of mine when it comes to it. So, mission accomplished.

[Sho]

I've struggled with depression myself for longer than I can remember. I can also relate to the feeling that life itself does not matter. There are days when I wake up wondering what is the point of it all. Life feels very empty at times. Even gotten to the point where I talked myself into thinking that suicidal thoughts were just normal for me. The only thing that has ever prevented me from going thru with it is the thought of how much it would kill my mother. She's lost enough love ones in her life that I don't know if she could handle one more. Everyday can still be a struggle for me. Find a reason or find anything that makes you want to live and hold onto it. Like most I have trouble talking about these things with other people. For whatever its worth if anyone here needs someone to talk to who can relate feel free to message me.

I can and have related to this in the past. I eventually came to the conclusion is the fact that life is whatever you want to make it while you are alive. Essentially we are all living in this moment and life is indeed fleeting. We are all born, we grow, we die. We are all tied to the same mortal coil. Life is a beautiful struggle, and then we pass on. It's just a fact of life.

Once you come to realize this fact, the rest is up to you -- do want to leave a mark on human history in the world? Or do you want to simply exist and watch the world pass you by? You can do whatever you want to do in this world (including suicide), but essentially what you should be thinking about are ways to enrich your life and learn about the beauty that the world holds, both minor and major. There is much more out there in the world that can be obfuscated by sitting down and constantly reading the Internet, which is constantly riddled by bad news.

You can take life one step at a time as well while you contemplate such things. What I personally did on my own journey out of depression is that I would take 30 minute to 3 hour walks outside in my neighborhood and city, and randomly go places where I haven't before. Sat in coffee shops and libraries, went to clubs, helped out in churches and schools. Chill on the block and randomly get into conversations with the other people who live in certain areas. Checked out local monuments. Sat in some high level college courses while not being a student. Watched state Congress in session. Real hippy type shit. All of that in order to more so understand the human condition in real time, rather than from behind a computer monitor.

The meaning of life essentially doesn't have to be only unto you. You can just as well spend time trying to enrich someone else's life or try to be change to the world in your own way, however minor or major.

---

Eh that's kinda sketchy advice. Weed (all drugs legal and not) effect people differently

Sometimes weed makes me extremely paranoid, which if coupled with me being in a shitty mental state, makes for a suuuuuuper bad time.

Drinking always makes me happy as fuck, which is not true of everyone.

With mood altering substances ymmv. Be careful with all of them if you're in a shitty place mentally.

It's true, weed effects people differently, but more often than not it placates a rampant mind. If nothing else, it's worth giving a shot, and far more healthy than being drunk or taking any manner of prescribed drugs which pollute the body.

I was put on Adderall but it made me too aggressive.

My struggle has more to do with my ADHD and less to do with too much stuff in the world.

My brain assigns importance to everything and then weeds out the garbage at like a mile a minute.

Sometimes I get yanked inside and zone out (with little memory of how much time elapsed).

I don't smoke, so weed is out of the question.

I've been diagnosed with this very problem as well -- marijuana slows me down and allows me to focus my thoughts with much more clarity (my brain works in such a manner that whenever I take in information, I have to take it in piecemeal and over-examine every aspect of each piece of information, wasting time and missing the overall message). It has basically been the only thing that has worked for me at all. When I was much younger I was also placed on prescribed medicine such as Adderall and it did absolutely nothing for me.

I'm not going to promote weed any further, however smoking it isn't the only (primary) option anymore. There's vaporizers, oils, pills, tincures, topicals, and edibles out there that exist now. In almost every instance if you were to go to a doctor to have marijuana prescribed to you, they will almost always recommend you go down an alternative route to absorbing the substance.

[Spicyryan]

Mary Jane is an antidepressant in low quantities, and a depressant in high qualities. However, there is a wide quality discrepancy and not an exact known dosage to go by. Studies are also done with synthetic or medical grade.

Be much eaiser and legal to just stick to a doctor.

[Marootsoobutsu]

The world is shit, and the absence of suffering is more appealing than the futile hope that society and life will miraculously change for the better. Also inb4 some jackass posts that fucking suicide hotline so they can feel like they've actually done something even though the people that would call such a thing would never go through with it to begin with. There's a difference between cry for help suicidal and actually accepting that you will die suicidal.

I've tried about a dozen times in the last few hours to respond to this, but I don't think I've ever been as furious at a post on BG as I am at this one. You are not the gatekeeper of who is actually suicidal and who is not.