NFL 2016-17 Week 1 Thread: Your Team is Bad, and You Should Feel Bad.

[Mertron]

GUESS WHAT SPORTS FAN?

Go fuck yourself. Your team sucks and I hope you get hit by a bus. I hope you survive though, so you can watch your team suck all season long and be in terrible pain the whole time. Then I hope you get dick cancer but you still don't die so you can cry about how wahhhhhhhh these playoff teams suck if only my team had made the playoffs healthy wahhhhhhhh. Then I hope after your dick falls off that your dickless ass catches fire and you get hit by a train full of dynamite. (If you are a female sports fan, replace dick cancer with vaginal cancer, etc.)

Pats fan? Congrats on your star qb staying at home eating bon bons for the first 4 weeks, costing you a first round bye and a home playoff game. Good news is once Brady gets shellacked in the playoffs you can console yourself by updating yourteamcheats.com

Dolphins fan? Good luck convincing yourself yet again that Tannehill isn't a retarded giraffe running around like he got his neck stuck in a tire swing. the only reason to follow your team was to see what a players wife was going to say after the game. seriously that's the only reason people enjoy watching the Dolphins, and that reason is gone. I'm very pleased with my giraffe image, read that sentence again, it'll be fun.

Bills fan? Might as well take your hard earned money and slap it on "Rex Ryan first coach to be fired" bets. What the fuck else are you going to do with money in Buffalo, set it on fire for warmth?

Jets fan? Look we know how Jets seasons go. You'll be relevant enough by week 15 to have people saying "watch out for the Jets!", the same way people probably said "watch out for the Hindenburg, it's about to land over there!"

Bengals fan? Congrats on probably being the best team last year, at least considering how the Broncos looked wrapping up your conference. Too bad last year is over and Marvin Lewis won't win a playoff game for you. its gonna be great when Marv wins coach of the year and has plenty of time in January to play golf to celebrate.

Ravens fan? Who the fuck is JOELITE throwing to this year? Didn't they just cut their starting RB from last year just to re-sign him the next day? Isn't your secondary still hot garbage (OOOOH WEDDLE IM SO FUCKING SCARED OF THAT OOMPA LOOMPA). have fun competing with the Browns for the cellar. At least you guys will win the draft next year with your high draft pick just so you can suck again next year.

Steelers fan? I guess your offense will be ok when your skill position players come back from burning man. I would say more but I can tell Big Ben's rape game is going to be strong this year and I left my rohypnol nail polish at home.

Browns fan? Look bregs, your team is basically all rookies, Haden, and Bobby triple fresh off divorcing cow tits and leaving her with the kid. All this shit about you guys winning week 1 on the road against the Eagles is fucking laughable at best. Everyone says you'll have two high draft picks next year with both your own pick AND the Eagles pick, but don't get greedy: just admit your team sucks, enjoy the 3-13, the number 1 pick, and drafting a shitty qb to replace rgknee next year only to have him suck harder. oh sorry, just kidding about the number one pick: you'll win in week 17 and fuck that up too.

Colts fan? Have fun watching unfrozen caveman lawyer throw 40tds, only to throw 30 picks while the defense still. can't. stop. the. goddamned. run. remember when you guys almost axed your head coach last year (probably because he checked off the "prior history" box on his medical forms and irsay doesn't want someone cutting into his pill supply?)? remember when you guys haven't had a 100 yard rusher in like THREE GODDAMN YEARS HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE?

Jaguars fan? Congrats on being the trendy "sleeper team"for like the 8th time in the last 10 years. To celebrate, all 400 fans who show up to their home games will be given pillows so they can sleep through your boring ass games. May as well take the pillow with you when you ride coach to see your team play in London after they move there in three years. Cheerio, fuckwads.

Texans fan? Your starting QB got benched last year in favor of a qb who literally could not throw the ball more than 20 yards. You cut ties with your most recognizable player last year probably because he has a conscience, and that's not allowed in the NFL. I don't want to say too much more because JJ Watt is a terrifying human being and he's just enough of a fucking nerdy-ass loser to read these forums.

Titans fan? Wait really? That team has fans? I thought people watched their games as a sleep aid. Have the Titans had an interesting game in the last 10 years? An interesting storyline? Their head coach looks like he just got caught with his dick inside a donkey half the time. IS THIS TEAM EVEN A REAL TEAM

Broncos fan? Enjoy that super bowl hangover. Enjoy the real hangover too every time you wake up on Monday trying to convince yourself you'd be better off with mark Sanchez starting games for you. WHO THE FUCK IS TREVOR SIMPLETON OR WHATEVER HIS NAME IS

Raiders fan? Good news! You guys might not be terrible this year, so grats on that. Too bad most raiders fans won't be able to enjoy it as they systematically thin their numbers every year by ritually stabbing each other to death in the parking lot as they leave the stadium. may the odds be ever in your favor. or not. maybe you shouldn't contribute to the gene pool anymore.

Chiefs fan? Look, I'm an Eagles fan. We know how this year is going to end. Sure, the kool-aid man will get you 10ish wins and a playoff spot, but he's going to have a brain fart trying to decide between jack daniels or honey glazed ribs during the third quarter of a playoff game, then burn all three of his timeouts in a row while he digs through his pockets during the fourth quarter trying to tip the delivery boy. he will then eat the delivery boy and everyone will say "Oh, that's our Andy!" Alex smith is the missionary position of quarterbacks.

Chargers fan? Your suffering will soon be over. no more tears

Rams fan? YOUR SUFFERING HAS JUST BEGUN! (offer only valid in CA). I would say congrats on another 7-9 season but I'm pretty sure you're going to be dogshit. You play in a tough division and your first overall pick, who was lauded as BEING GAME READY RIGHT NOW AND THATS WHY HE WENT BEFORE CARSON WENTZ, has looked like complete and utter shit all preseason and is third on the depth chart. by the way there is no bronze medal for being third on a qb depth chart, that's pretty much as low as it goes and you suck. at least your defensive line will be ok I guess until they all leave in free agency.

49ers fan? let me get back to you when your defense is done running gassers for the day. at least that's what i hope they're doing, do you guys know how mr chips wild ride even works? And you play in a division with defenses that will keep the offense off the field! DO YOU EVEN REALIZE HOW SCREWED YOUR UN-AMERICAN TEAM IS? Speaking of unamerican, really? Kap couldn't beat yo gabba gabba for the starting job? if I were you i would start going to raider games in full 49ers gear and pray someone just stabbed you to death right now.

Seahawks fan? YOU FUCKING LYING PIECE OF SHIT. anywho, congrats to russwills finally punching it in. it's nice to see stories about NFL couples that don't involve the wife/girlfriend posing for bruise photos on Instagram. your team is probably ok, but just remember: nothing gold can stay. eventually, the Seahawks will suck again, you will go back to not caring about football and crying about the sonics, and eventually the depressing ass weather will make you kurt cobain yourself. speaking of punching it in, remember that whole throwing it from the 1 yard line thing in the super bowl? that was the joke. you're welcome. I figure most Seahawks fans are 9/11 truthers so you have to go over things nice and slow with them.

Cardinals fan? Jesus Christ there are a lot of NFL teams. surely one of them will be ok. probably not this team though, last year was carson's one good year of health this decade and you blew it. spectacularly, I might add. it's a shame because if there was one person in the NFL I'd like to get hammered and strangle a hooker with, it would be bruce arians.

Panthers fan? SPEAKING OF BLOWING IT, HI CAIL AND GAD! eh, that'll do for now. man this was a terrible idea. where the fuck is miz anyway.

Falcons fan? remember when you guys started like 5-0 last year then pretty much lost ALL THE GAMES? Where did you improve this offseason? I'll wait (jeopardy theme plays) TIMES UP MOSS YOU DIDNT! Unless you count signing Sanu from RUTGERS!

Speaking of RUTGERS!, how about you bucs fans? I think the only one here is anoat but he's not a true schiano man. oh wait, he's not the head coach anymore, it's lovie smith. wait....it's not him either, it's his caddy or some shit. im sure that'll go well.

Saints fan? I feel bad for you guys, your arms are going to get so tired canoeing to the stadium only to watch you guys waste yet another year of drew brees throwing it all over the place just so your defense can suck and lose the game for you. and you'll probably end up getting zika on the way to the stadium too. maybe you can give drew brees a ride to the airport in your canoe when he leaves in the offseason or gets traded to the Vikings.

Vikings fan? YOU POOR BASTARD. HAVE YOU SEEN SLINGIN SAMMY PLAY FOOSBALL? If Alex smith is the missionary position of the quarterback position, shitass sam bardy is the sad handjob from your second cousin, then your mom walks in. my condolences to adrian deterson as he gets older and wins no championship. my condolences to teddy bridgewaters knee as well. while we're at it, my condolences to sam bradfords knee too. might as well get that over with.

Lions fan? The only thing your team is good at doing is making great players say fuck it and quit: Barry sanders, Calvin Johnson, Mike McMahon, etc. I can pretty much guarantee your head coach is getting shitcanned by november. But that's fine. If you ever take a good look at Caldwell it looks like he's just being weekend at bernie'd around the field anyway.

Bears fan? I will put as much work into describing how shitty the Bears season will be as jay cutler puts into his game prep.

Packers fan? They should hire that tressel guy from the CFL to be their head coach. He would think there's only two downs to play with so ar12 could avoid third downs. Instead they have a coach who looks like he bathes in bratwurst grease then rolls around in a pine forest. he's basically smart Andy Reid. we all look forward to another fantastic statistical season from ar12 just to watch them actually play a team who plays defense in the playoffs and he starts slamming iPads on the ground.

Giants fan? Your offensive line is still garbage. Your defense is probably going to be garbage, especially the secondary. You scapegoated coughlin because he couldn't do basic math anymore, then kept everything else the same. BUT WE SHOULD HAVE BEEN 13-3 LAST YEAR! Like 10 non-playoff teams can make that argument every year probably, shut the fuck up. Just have fun watching derpface throw some tds to ODB, plus some hilarious tip drill INTs, and give in to the abyss as Eli gets sacked 8 times a game. Abandon looks like the guy from predator.

Redskins fan? This division sucks and yet still no one wants to convince themselves you will win the division. Nobody believes in your quarterback. No one believes in your head coach. No one believes in your defense. Your team is basically climate change if you consider most NFL fans to be inbred republicans.

Cowboys fan? its a good thing you guys have a great offensive line, I'm sure they'll keep dak healthy like they did for romo. yeah Elliot will have a lot of rush yards, and he probably better because it'll help keep your defense that has half its players suspended off the field. dez dropped it.

Eagles fan? WELL GUESS WHAT FELLAS, ITS WELTZERING TIME. Think of it like this jerkwads: name two shitty franchises. rams? check. browns? check. both had the chance to draft him, both passed. both even went so far as to say they thought someone else was more game-ready (Rams), and the other team which has had LITERALLY ZERO SUCCESS EVALUATING QUARTERBACKS said there were no good qbs in this years draft. IT ALL LINES UP PERFECTLY FOR CARSON (who will now be known as the bombsquad, since he has that in his Twitter profile for some reason) TO BE PERHAPS THE GREATEST QB TO EVER PLAY BASED ON HOW TERRIBLE TWO OTHER TEAMS ARE AT DRAFTING. hey did you guys know that gym shorts is coaching up the D this year, he has plenty of talent in the front 7, he actually can coach defense as long as you don't make him the head coach, and the Eagles play in perhaps the shittiest division in football?

DRAM TRAM

(BUT STILL ALL YOUR TEAMS ARE BAD AND YOU SHOULD FEEL BAD)

ps I'm sure papa bregor will be around with his shitty bets and he'll pick the Browns. just remember he is shitty, and creepy drunk uncle mertron would never steer you wrong.

[Mertron]

PREDICTIONS WHICH I CANT USE GIFS FOR, FOR I AM ON MY IPHONE

NFC:
East: DRAM TRAM
South: Panthers
North: Packers
West: Seahawks
Wildcards: Cardinals, Falconslawl

AFC:
East: Pats
South: Texans
North: Bengals
West: Chiefs
Wildcards: Steelers, Raiderslawl

NFC: DRAM TRAM over the cardinals
AFC: Chiefs over the Steelers

Superb owl: DRAM TRAM OVER THE CHIEFS, OH MY GOD THE HUMANITY

Coach: Marvin Lewis, who will then promptly lose the first playoff game he coaches.
Comeback POY: Jordy Nelson
Offensive POY:Antonio brown
Defensive POY: Khalil Mack
Offensive ROY: Ezekiel Elliot (JUST KIDDING, #BOMBSQUAD)
Defensive ROY: Myles jack based on stats, but probably jalen ramsey
NFL MVP: Russell Wilson

First Coach Fired: Jim Caldwell

[Mertron]

this took too long to post and I didn't check or care about errors, fuck you and don't tell my boss

[Mertron]

let the first quadpost of the season begin

[Roranora]

Jordy comeback yes please


NFC:
East: Cowboys
South: Saints wut
North: Packers
West: Seahawks
Wildcards: Cardinals, LA Rams (!)

AFC:
East: Patriots
South: Texans
North: Steelers
West: Raiders
Wildcards: Broncos, Colts

NFC: Packers over Seahawks
AFC: Steelers over Patriots

Superb owl: Recent rematch here. While Greg Jennings won't be catching TD passes on Polumalu, Packers win again.

[tyven]

epic OP. some real solid burns.

[Mertron]

Would also like to offer my condolences to the widows of mizango, rhinox, demo, and ninjalotter, as apparently they have all died. rip in peace

prediction: tyven is next

[Dimmauk]

Would also like to offer my condolences to the widows of mizango, rhinox, demo, and ninjalotter, as apparently they have all died. rip in peace

prediction: tyven is next

Dick and vag cancer is a son of a bitch

[Roranora]

shit

[Dimmauk]

The OP is the best thing on the internet. Those Lames at Grantland wish they were that good.

[Melena]

Damn, pretty much spot on, though as someone who goes to raider games, your odds of being shanked are higher if you go to a niners game. Raiders only averaged about 25 fan ejections a game last year. That may go up though as one of our home games is in Mexico City this year and Trumps wall may keep all the criminals down there.

[Byrd]

Fantastic OP.

PREDICTIONS NFC: South: Seahawks

And you thought Panthers fans hated the Seahawks before? Imagine how mad they'll be when the Seahawks win their division despite not even playing in it.

Picks:
AFC East: Pats
AFC North: Bengals
AFC South: Texans
AFC West: Chiefs
Wild Cards: Steelers, Colts

NFC East: Redskins
NFC North: Packers
NFC South: Panthers
NFC West: Cardinals
Wild Cards: Seahawks, I guess I have to pick another team so the Falcons I guess

AFC Title: Pats over Chiefs
NFC Title: Cards over Seahawks

Super Bowl LI: Pats over Cards.
Brady Says "Fuck You, Roger" on live TV as he accepts his Super Bowl MVP and rides off into the sunset of retirement to bang supermodels and star in Ted 3. Robert Kraft announces he is leaving the team to Tom Brady in his will just so he can be 1/32 of Roger's boss someday

Coach: Chip Kelly cuz I picked him two years ago and he got fired. I do think the 49ers will be better than everyone expects though. Like 5-6 wins and maybe even 3rd in the division.
Comeback POY: Jordy Nelson cuz I have him on a Fantasy team. Might be Josh Gordon, though.
Offensive MVP: Carson Palmer cuz I'm trying to jinx him
Defensive MVP: Luke Kuechly cuz I'm trying to jinx him, too.
First Coach Fired: Jeff Fisher
#1 Draft Pick: Browns cuz Browns
Number of Games Josh Gordon Plays Before Getting His Lifetime Suspension: 5

[Rhyis.]

Call the burn unit mang.

[Cail]

Joey Bosa unlikely to play this week

[Cail]

Mike Zimmer says he has not decided and will not name a starting QB before the game

[Cail]

Elvis Dumervil to miss the season opener

[Cail]

Broncos signed Emmanuel Sanders to a 3yr extension

[Cail]

Saints signed Drew Brees to a 5yr contract extension w/ automatic void to 2 years. Pays him 20mil this year and 24.25mil next year guaranteed

[Moss]

Falcons fan? remember when you guys started like 5-0 last year then pretty much lost ALL THE GAMES? Where did you improve this offseason? I'll wait (jeopardy theme plays) TIMES UP MOSS YOU DIDNT! Unless you count signing Sanu from RUTGERS!

idk dood the last minute panic signing of Dwight Freeney to improve the pass rush gives me a lot of confidence heading into the season

[Mertron]

Saints signed Drew Brees to a 5yr contract extension w/ automatic void to 2 years. Pays him 20mil this year and 24.25mil next year guaranteed

my post is worthless after being up only like 30 min

oh well it was worthless anyway