2016-17 NFL Week 2: Prolonged Gyrations

[Bregor]

M/L: 9-7
ATS: 6-10


THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 15TH

8:25pm EDT, CBS

NY Jets at Buffalo (+1) - If not for AJ Green, the Jets win last week. Meanwhile, Buffalo looked pretty dreadful in Baltimore, plus Cordy Glenn is out and Sammy Watkins won't be 100%. You can only keep GMARSH and Fitzmagic down for so long. Jets win and cover.


SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 18TH

1:00pm EDT, CBS

Baltimore at Cleveland (+6.5) - I feel like there's some overreaction to last week's game for this line. The early books had it at CLE+4 but it's climbed over two points in a few nights. I would typically hammer +6.5 but...



Ravens win and cover.

Cincinnati at Pittsburgh (-3) - The Steelers trounced Washington but lolNFCEast. Cincy showed some grit coming back against the Jets, I like them stealing one here. Bengals in the upset.

Tennessee at Detroit (-5.5) - So DeMarco Murray showed signs of life last week in the passing game. Doesn't mean much for the Titans but it does for all my auto-drafted fantasy teams! The Lions put up a bunch of points on New Orleans, joining the exclusive club of everyone in the NFL. JIM BOB COOTER! Lions win, Titans with the points.

Miami at New England (-6.5) -

J

U

S

T

W

A

I

T



Patriots win and cover.

Kansas City at Houston (-2.5) - I had to double-check this line. KC might have gotten off to a slow start but they're still a potent team. I like Houston long-term this season but I need to see more of the Brock Lobster. Chiefs in the upset.

1:00pm EDT, FOX

Dallas at Washington (-2.5) - I usually love betting against both these teams, but twice a year I have the unhappy task of actually choosing one of them. Fuck Washington, DAK ATTACK. Cowboys in the upset.

New Orleans at NY Giants (-4.5) - Whenever the NFC East is a cesspool, the Giants win the Super Bowl. Get ready for Peyton in the press box pulling this move:



Take the over just based off Brandin Cooks and Ol' Dirty Beckham TDs in this one. Giants win, Saints with the points.

San Francisco at Carolina (-13.5) - No love for the '9ers week 1 blowout win? Mr. Chip's Wild Ride has pulled into the LGBTBBQ capital of the world and come away with a big division win. But Blaine Gabbert still sucks. Carolina didn't really blow teams out until the 2nd half of last season, so covering two touchdowns might not be as easy as people think. Panthers win, 49ers with the points.

4:05pm EDT, FOX

Seattle at Los Angeles (+6.5) - What's wrong with Seattle? Squeaking by Miami at home doesn't inspire a lot of confidence, and before that they lost to Carolina and squeaked by Minnesota in the playoffs. But if San Fran can put up 28 on the Rams, Seattle can probably score 50. I drafted Todd Gurley first in my money league. I just wanted you to know that.



Seahawks win and cover.

Tampa Bay at Arizona (-6.5) - Like Houston, I'm buying the Bucs this season, just not this week. Arizona is basically the Nick Saban Alabama teams of the NFL—stingy defense, bland but effective white quarterback, stud skill position players, and they can't buy a fucking kicker when they need one. Only this season Bama found a sick dual-threat QB. Roll Tide, y'all. Anyway, Cardinals win and cover.

4:25pm EDT, CBS

Jacksonville at San Diego (-3) -



Jaguars in the upset.

Atlanta at Oakland (-5) - I remember being in Vegas for my bachelor party in 2013 when the Falcons and 49ers played in the NFC title game. While San Fran came undone rather quickly, they showed signs of life last week. Meanwhile, Atlanta is basically Julio Jones and... uh... some other dudes? Has Matt Ryan been hurt for, like, a year? Is their O-line just really bad? Last week my wife asked me who my favorite NFL player was, and I couldn't bring myself to say any Browns because they're literal diarrhea on a football field so I said Amari Cooper. Roll Tide, y'all. Raiders win and cover.

Indianapolis at Denver (-6) -



Broncos win and cover.

8:30pm EDT, NBC

Green Bay at Minnesota (+2.5) - I love the Vikes and all but the Shaun Hill/Slingin' Sammy quarterback battle isn't really moving the needle for me. Packers win and cover.


MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 19TH

8:30pm EDT, ESPN

Philadelphia at Chicago (-3) - Did Jon Gruden do his dumb fucking QB camp again this summer? Did Pete Wentz do it? Google says yes. In fact, this was Gruden's face during the meeting:



He's gone from six to midnight! Seriously though they only beat Cleland, let's not get carried away. Bears win and cover.

[Krandor]

Missing half their offense and the Pats are still almost touchdown favorites

[Cail]

Mertron didn't do the thread op. Eagles doomed to lose

[Rhyis.]

[Mertron]

wentz gon give it to ya

[Mertron]

The Lions put up a bunch of points on New Orleans, joining the exclusive club of everyone in the NFL.

you
don't
say

[Rhyis.]

I was gonna say something, but really indy and saints defense is about the same.

[Mertron]

also i figure wentz will struggle this week since this will probably be his first road game where more than 12 people and some cows show up

but i also figure fletcher cox is going to rip cutlers head off

DRAM TRAM

[Moss]

Atlanta at Oakland (-5) - I remember being in Vegas for my bachelor party in 2013 when the Falcons and 49ers played in the NFC title game. While San Fran came undone rather quickly, they showed signs of life last week. Meanwhile, Atlanta is basically Julio Jones and... uh... some other dudes? Has Matt Ryan been hurt for, like, a year? Is their O-line just really bad? Last week my wife asked me who my favorite NFL player was, and I couldn't bring myself to say any Browns because they're literal diarrhea on a football field so I said Amari Cooper. Roll Tide, y'all. Raiders win and cover.

It's the same issues as always. Very good offense that is mediocre in the red zone and no one that can tackle or rush the passer. The oline has more talent than usual so I'm not worried about the run game as they coalesce. The defense is going to keep sucking tho.

Amari over JULIO? how could you

[Bregor]

It's the same issues as always. Very good offense that is mediocre in the red zone and no one that can tackle or rush the passer. The oline has more talent than usual so I'm not worried about the run game as they coalesce. The defense is going to keep sucking tho.

Amari over JULIO? how could you

I just feel sorry for JULIO, best years of his career wasted to Mike Smith.

After I wrote that I looked Matty2Points's numbers and they weren't as bad as I thought. I'm selling Atlanta a bit low I guess. Maybe Quinn can breathe some life into the defense in a year or two a la Jacksonville.

[Melena]

It's the same issues as always. Very good offense that is mediocre in the red zone and no one that can tackle or rush the passer. The oline has more talent than usual so I'm not worried about the run game as they coalesce. The defense is going to keep sucking tho.

Amari over JULIO? how could you

Lucky for the Falcons, the Raiders D is so bad, Matty 2 points can just fling 50 yard bombs to JULIO all day and they won't have to deal with a red zone offense.

[Krandor]

Oakland isn't actually that bad on D. The secondary is kinda poor, but Khalil Mack is kind of a thing.

[Melena]

Oakland isn't actually that bad on D. The secondary is kinda poor, but Khalil Mack is kind of a thing.

He's about the only good thing. Our corners are fucking trash and couldn't even start for the Saints.

[Moss]

Oakland isn't actually that bad on D. The secondary is kinda poor, but Khalil Mack is kind of a thing.

there is plenty of talent there, but they were that bad last week

[wipers]

How Jeff Fisher coaches the Rams:

http://i.makeagif.com/media/9-23-2013/1CMWvi.gif

[Abandon]

oh revis

[Serra]

Taunting? By the Jets? At that point?

[Rhyis.]

Revis is so done.

[Krandor]

I feel like calling it even Revis peninsula at this point is being too kind.

[Abandon]

FITZMAGIC RUNNNNN