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  1. #1
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    Need some advice, BG

    I've been thrust into a situation that's putting me through the emotional ringer. Some backstory and then my dilemma for a tl;dr:

    I've been best friends, on and off, with this guy online for 8 years. We've been close since we were teenagers, and have confided in and helped each other out a lot over the years. He's always been somewhat mentally unstable -- diagnosed with bipolarity, depression, ADHD. He lives with his family still.

    I learned when we resumed contact in the spring after a year+ that he'd been combating alcoholism for awhile, as well. I was ecstatic when he went to rehab and was clean throughout the summer, really turned himself around. Then he started drinking again by August or September.

    Tried to continue to help him through it and steer him toward a positive path, but he started to become emotionally abusive and manipulative toward me -- consciously or unconsciously, not sure, doesn't matter.

    I wasn't enjoying the MMO we played together anymore, so I decided to take a break, from it and him, because he was becoming unhealthy for me personally. That was two months ago.

    He texted me 3 days ago asking how I'd been, telling me how everyone missed and was worried about me, and nonchalantly dropped that he was either going to or had applied to the military this week, and if he wasn't accepted, he was going to take his own life. I'm not sure if that's a serious statement or if he was just attempting to emotionally blackmail me into responding.

    I expressed concern, and haven't received a single text back. I contacted his teenage brother online to inquire how he was, and while he's alive, he said he's been hitting the bottle at night when everyone's asleep.

    Here's my dilemma / tl;dr:

    Obviously, I didn't tell his brother because he's young. Do I contact his parents, and warn them that he could be planning to kill himself if this application doesn't go his way? That's my first instinct, being a responsible adult -- to get him help.

    Then there's the possibility that he's crying wolf, and informing his parents would only make the situation more unstable and worse.

    What do I do? Ignore him, and have the potential guilt of omission, or try to get him help, and risk escalation?

    This is obviously very unfair to me, and I recognize this psychological abuse, and am planning to cut him out of my life and block him regardless of which option I go with.

    Just feeling super upset and worried about this whole thing, generally. I need advice.

  2. #2
    Ridill
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    I'd ignore it, but I'm a dick and mostly of the opinion that if you're really going to kill yourself you do it and not take out a billboard advertisement.

    Sucks to have to deal with, but also not like there's actually anything you can do about it. If he is sincere and you get his parents involved he's just going to lie and then not tell you next time.

    Maybe I'm cynical.

  3. #3
    I'm more gentle than I look.
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    Contact his parents if you can (and if not get a way to contact his parents through his brother) tell him everything, and let them try to get help.

    Don't get personally involved anymore. This guy is nothing but bad news.

    Quote Originally Posted by SathFenrir View Post

    Sucks to have to deal with, but also not like there's actually anything you can do about it. If he is sincere and you get his parents involved he's just going to lie and then not tell you next time.
    Also a favorable outcome. She doesn't need him coming back again and again.

  4. #4
    Ridill
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    Tell his family. Intervene. I wouldn't take suicide like that as a joke. I've had two on my ship during the yard period. Shit sucks.

  5. #5
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    These guys said what I would have said. Cut the cord.

  6. #6
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    Appreciate the quick responses.

    Quote Originally Posted by Fiye View Post
    Tell his family. Intervene. I wouldn't take suicide like that as a joke. I've had two on my ship during the yard period. Shit sucks.
    This is my first instinct. Don't think I could handle that guilt if he did. I had feelings for him at one point.

    I've met his family IRL once, except for his father. His mother's nice but super high strung and they have an often antagonistic relationship, so I was thinking of getting his father's number and calling him instead. I know my friend looks up to him more, and his father has been military and also dealt with alcoholism in the past -- so maybe he'd be my best bet for an intervening hand.

    Regardless, like I said, I'm adamant about cutting off contact after this. No worries there. This is the final straw.

  7. #7
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    You can call the police and tell them your friend sent you texts threatening to commit suicide. They'll send a cop to his house for a wellness check. It'll scare the shit out of him and his parents and he'll hopefully never say something that stupid ever again.

  8. #8
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    Good lord no. Don't just walk away.

    I've had severe depression for the past 12 years. It's an incredibly debilitating illness. The attitude of "just shut up and do it" is sickening, and why so many do kill themselves when they are worth, and able to be, saved. Based on how your relationship with him was for so long, he probably realizes in the haze of his issues that you're a lifeline; someone he can trust to reach out and ask for help.

    Call his dad, then call his local law enforcement's non-emergency line for a welfare check. THEN you can walk away. From what I've gathered about you from the OP, if you do nothing, and he does end up killing himself (because the army will do a psych eval and boot him), do you really want that on your conscious?

  9. #9
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    Quote Originally Posted by Guitarman View Post
    if you do nothing, and he does end up killing himself (because the army will do a psych eval and boot him), do you really want that on your conscious?
    Yeah, no. Fuck that. OP is not responsible for this guy's actions. If friendo is making OP feel that way, it's emotional abuse plain and simple. Don't encourage that nonsense.

    If this guy is suicidal, just call the police, walk away, and let him get professional help. OP is not a professional. It is not okay to just force the responsibility for a human life onto someone.

    Edit: I guess we do broadly agree on course of action. That line just stuck out. Dont play that way, fam. It's not right.

  10. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by Greatguardian View Post
    Yeah, no. Fuck that. OP is not responsible for this guy's actions. If friendo is making OP feel that way, it's emotional abuse plain and simple. Don't encourage that nonsense.

    If this guy is suicidal, just call the police, walk away, and let him get professional help. OP is not a professional. It is not okay to just force the responsibility for a human life onto someone.
    This.

    Also, fwiw anecdotes gonna anecdote, I've lost far too many friends in my life to suicide and not a single one of them ever gave any prior indication to ANYONE before doing it. I've yet to lose a single person who bitched and moaned about doing it. It's left me 100% pitiless.

    Also also, it's conscience.

  11. #11
    Ridill
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    Quote Originally Posted by Fiye View Post
    Tell his family. Intervene. I wouldn't take suicide like that as a joke. I've had two on my ship during the yard period. Shit sucks.
    I think there's a difference between someone who acts suicidal usually saying they are fine and someone just dropping that bomb out of nowhere for a purpose.

    We had a good 4-5 people in the yards raise a fuss claiming they would. 2 in my division even. Since it was pretty clear they were just trying to get off the boat/out of the yards/being drama queens we told them all to fucking do it. Only one did anything and next day he was showing his cat scratches around for attention until I showed him mine. Think all of them were put on the fast track to seperation

    On the other hand my roommate in prototype had been having issues for awhile and boy within an hour of him not showing up one day I was pulled aside so we could go check up on him. And fairly quickly they were getting him help.

    Either way emotional abusive/manipulative people who start talking to you just to drop that are people you don't need in life. I'd say do whatever it takes to not feel guilty and walk

  12. #12
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    Intervene and tell his family, get him help, then leave him be.

    Most people who are really, really suicidal don't actually announce it like that.

    sent from the nexus of the emergency department using my AstralTalk™

  13. #13
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  14. #14
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    Quote Originally Posted by Greatguardian View Post
    Yeah, no. Fuck that. OP is not responsible for this guy's actions. If friendo is making OP feel that way, it's emotional abuse plain and simple. Don't encourage that nonsense.

    If this guy is suicidal, just call the police, walk away, and let him get professional help. OP is not a professional. It is not okay to just force the responsibility for a human life onto someone.

    Edit: I guess we do broadly agree on course of action. That line just stuck out. Dont play that way, fam. It's not right.
    I think he meant that the OP has an opportunity to bring this situation to the right people, and if he ignores it and his friend offs himself then he may feel responsible. Definitely don't ignore this, but I hope it doesn't turn into a Cry Wolf situation down the line.

  15. #15

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    data suggests the majority of people who take their lives actually do signal their intent prior to killing themselves either directly or indirectly, with previous failed attempts, suggested suicidal ideation, or by explicitly stating suicidal feelings and/or intent to the people around them. there are of course many false positives, but if you do care for this friend your path is clear, alert the appropriate authorities and get him on the mental health grid + pass along the information to his family members who are obviously much better placed than you are to help the man.

    sounds like you know all this though. you know the situation better than any of us ever could and you already recognize the guilt that will come from you doing nothing, while simultaneously recognizing the need to cut contact and protect yourself. i would say you have good instincts dear op and you ought follow them.

  16. #16
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    Contact his father, but don't pursue any contact with your friend. If he comes out of this for the better he may reach out to you more positively, if not then you know you did what you could and you should feel ok with that.

    at least thats what my gut tells me.

  17. #17
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    I'm definitely contacting his father tonight, whenever I can get his number.

    Unsure of a welfare check. He's from a different state (NY) and not a family member. I also don't remember his address, and from what he said he's not planning on doing it imminently, just if/when he gets this application denied this week. Not sure if the police would respond to that?

    I don't even know what a welfare check could accomplish in that situation, if I could even get one. It could scare him, or make his family angrier at him, or just humiliate him and make him more depressed.

    Quote Originally Posted by Guitarman View Post
    Good lord no. Don't just walk away.

    I've had severe depression for the past 12 years. It's an incredibly debilitating illness. The attitude of "just shut up and do it" is sickening, and why so many do kill themselves when they are worth, and able to be, saved. Based on how your relationship with him was for so long, he probably realizes in the haze of his issues that you're a lifeline; someone he can trust to reach out and ask for help.

    Call his dad, then call his local law enforcement's non-emergency line for a welfare check. THEN you can walk away. From what I've gathered about you from the OP, if you do nothing, and he does end up killing himself (because the army will do a psych eval and boot him), do you really want that on your conscious?
    Read my posts - I've never been about just walking away. I certainly don't think he should "just shut up and do it." Not wiling to gamble with my friend's life, no matter what he's done to me.

    I've also gone through major depression on and off for the last decade. I know what it's like, how crippling it is. I've been his counsel and confidant since we were teens, and I've constantly put my own emotional wellbeing on the line to try and be his crutch.

    I made it clear to him after he put out that threat that I would always be available to talk to if he needed, no matter the state of our friendship, because I have been his lifeline for so long.

    That said, I recognize the emotional abuse and manipulation he's used against me. I've gotta sever this relationship to protect my own mental health. It's holding me back majorly.

  18. #18
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jaybar View Post
    I think he meant that the OP has an opportunity to bring this situation to the right people, and if he ignores it and his friend offs himself then he may feel responsible. Definitely don't ignore this, but I hope it doesn't turn into a Cry Wolf situation down the line.
    This. Thank you. I'm not great at explaining myself sometimes. I agree that talking about it isn't a sign and most just do it without explicitly saying they will, but this can lead to that road. Get him help then walk away. I'm in full agreement with everyone else to not get sucked into the headgames if he's prone to it.

  19. #19
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    Quote Originally Posted by EternityEnd View Post
    I'm definitely contacting his father tonight, whenever I can get his number.

    Unsure of a welfare check. He's from a different state (NY) and not a family member. I also don't remember his address, and from what he said he's not planning on doing it imminently, just if/when he gets this application denied this week. Not sure if the police would respond to that?

    I don't even know what a welfare check could accomplish in that situation, if I could even get one. It could scare him, or make his family angrier at him, or just humiliate him and make him more depressed.



    Read my posts - I've never been about just walking away. I certainly don't think he should "just shut up and do it." Not wiling to gamble with my friend's life, no matter what he's done to me.

    I've also gone through major depression on and off for the last decade. I know what it's like, how crippling it is. I've been his counsel and confidant since we were teens, and I've constantly put my own emotional wellbeing on the line to try and be his crutch.

    I made it clear to him after he put out that threat that I would always be available to talk to if he needed, no matter the state of our friendship, because I have been his lifeline for so long.

    That said, I recognize the emotional abuse and manipulation he's used against me. I've gotta sever this relationship to protect my own mental health. It's holding me back majorly.
    I was mostly responding to the other suggestions about just walking away, it wasn't pointed toward you. Again I apologize if it came out wrong. It's been the day from hell. (see fail thread).

  20. #20
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    Quote Originally Posted by EternityEnd View Post
    I'm definitely contacting his father tonight, whenever I can get his number.

    Unsure of a welfare check. He's from a different state (NY) and not a family member. I also don't remember his address, and from what he said he's not planning on doing it imminently, just if/when he gets this application denied this week. Not sure if the police would respond to that?

    I don't even know what a welfare check could accomplish in that situation, if I could even get one. It could scare him, or make his family angrier at him, or just humiliate him and make him more depressed.
    Police will still respond to welfare checks if you're calling from another state. You don't need his address as long as you have his full name and know what city he lives in. They'll track him down. I wouldn't shoot yourself in the foot with details when calling them. Your friend threatened to commit suicide and you're afraid for his well-being. That's all that matters.

    Honestly, the effect can only be positive. If he's actually depressed and suicidal then it'll get him into the system, motivate his family to take his issues (more) seriously, and hopefully get him some help. If he's just narcissistic and manipulative, it'll get him to back off.

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