PLAYOFFS ARE HERE BITCHES, GET YOUR BEARDS READY!!!!
(except for Connor, Auston and Sidney, we know none of you can grow one yet)
Washington Capitals vs. Toronto Maple Leafs
Season series: Washington 1-1-1, Toronto 1-1-1
LEAFS MADE THE PLAYOFFS!!! ...and they're gone.
Everyone loves the Leafs suddenly, so the Caps have to be the bad guys and kick them out early, I'm sure the Leaf rookies all have early bed times anyways. Matthews, Marner and Nylander have been fun to watch, now they get to show off their stuff on the big stage. Thankfully, Tom "Team Player" Sestito may have killed Freddy and now the Leafs can unleash the Caps' playoff kryptonite, BACK UP GOALIES!! Seriously, Halak, Neuvirth, Murray, Dwayne fucking Rolosson okok, their kryptonite is just the playoffs period, I know.
The Leafs aren't even supposed to be here, and the Caps are supposed to win the Cup or BURN THE CITY DOWN LIKE VANCOUVER DID!! Seriously though, this Caps team is fucking loaded, I mean Kevin Shattenkirk is our 5th D, only in minutes though, he's seriously better then everyone else, give him more minutes Trotz!
Will Nick and Kuzy show up this year? Will JWill win a 4th Cup? Will Good Guy Tom Wilson finally get the respect he is due!? Tune in on Thursday and find out!
ProTip: Leafs, keep your head up when Scorlov is on the ice!
Crazy shit of the series, Michael Nylander was a Cap for Ovi's first two playoff appearances, and now his kid William is playing against Ovi here.
Pittsburgh Penguins vs. Columbus Blue Jackets
Season series: Columbus 2-1-1, Pittsburgh 2-1-1
#1 COP VS Cup Check Crosby!
The winner here faces the Caps for the Cup in the second round. It really sucks having to root for either Sidney or Torts to win a series, so I'll just sit here and hope these two teams murder each off in the first round. Even with a 6 game losing streak to end the year, the Blue Jackets STILL finished 4th overall and only one point behind Chicago. How stupid is this divisional playoff format!?
All I know is, Dirty Little Sidney better watch himself, CAUSE NUMBER ONE COP BOB IS ON THE CASE! HE should probably also watch himself, cause Tortarella teams like to grind opposing teams into the boards all game long. Colombus got it's first ever playoff win against Pittsburgh 2 years ago, and now they look for their first ever series win against the Wilkes-Barre/Scranton Penguins.. wait... I mean, Letang is officially dead, and I think like half the rest of the team is probably injured, I mean, they have to be for Tom Sestito to get called up, right?
Montreal Canadiens vs. New York Rangers
Season series: Montreal 3-0-0, New York 0-2-1
RANGERS GET A FIRST ROUND BYE!
Don't be fooled by records, and home ice, and division champs, the Rangers got a bye. They clinched the WC1 spot before Montreal even clinched a playoff spot. This matchup just further shows how incredibly stupid the playoff seeding is with this divisional format.
The real big story from this one, is whether Kreider injures Price again, or the Habs murder Kreider first. Also, whether Rata or Nynja murder each other, or whether Sep month bans both of them first. Can BK whine his team, to the finals!? Shouldn't be hard considering they get to face Atlantic teams the whole way...
Can Therrien and his team grine da puck to a series win...wait, what!? Therrien got fired!? I almost want to see a Habs/Bruins series just to see Julien coach against them, but fuck all that.
Ottawa Senators vs. Boston Bruins
Season series: Ottawa 4-0-0, Boston 0-3-1
Neither of these teams even wanted to be in the playoffs based on how they played the last month, now they play each other to see which one has to stay and keep playing. These teams have apparently, and amazingly never faced each other in the playoffs before, so congrats NHL on making retarded division format for rivalries, and not getting an actual rivalry matchup.
Craig Anderson has battled through this season, while having to watch his wife battle cancer, and now he has to battle Boston, who literally are cancer. Both the team with Ratface and Chara and the obnoxious Boston fans and their obnoxious accents and their obnoxious city. I mean jfc, Shitass Tom Brady has cheated and won you a million Super Bowls, maybe calm the fuck down Bahstahn.
This series is prolly gonna suck because the Trap is fucking awful to watch, god damn you Boucher.
Ratface vs Scarface.
Chicago Blackhawks vs. Nashville Predators
Season series: Chicago 4-1-0, Nashville 1-4-0
Ye olde Playoff Rivalry, back again, for the third time!
The Preds were fantastic at home this year, but unfortunately for them, Hawks fans travel to Nashville like the fucking plague, so every game in this series is basically a road game, and the Preds are the worst road team in the playoffs. By the way Hawks fans, the cheering and yelling during the Anthem isn't cute, it's fucking obnoxious, stop it!
Capitals Legend Filip Forsberg and Habs Legend PK Subban look to take down Johnathan "Makes the All Star game even when he has a complete shit season" Toews and Patrick "Hasn't Raped anyone yet this year" Kane. Can Quenville lead his team, with 23 of the Top 100 players ever, to a 4th Cup win!? Or will Nashville finally play the last song?
These chicks are too hot for Kaner.
Minnesota Wild vs. St. Louis Blues
Season series: Minnesota 2-2-1, St. Louis 3-2-0
Does anyone care about this one?
Both teams can't choke in the same series, can they? Boudreau coaches teams to choke in the playoffs, and the Blues have it mastered, possibly more so than the Caps and Shraks.
The Wild and Dubnyk seemed to fall off near the end of the season, while the Blues, especially Jake Allen, looked pretty amazing after they fired Ken Hitchcock and brought in former Wild coach, Mike Yeo. Yeo righted the Blues in the regular season, but can he get them to the next level? Boudreau makes the playoffs every year, regardless of what team he is coaching, but can he finally advance?
That's all I got. Not like anyone here cares about these two teams. You'd think that this series could actually be exciting with players like Suter, Parise, Staal, Tarasenko, Pietrangelo, etc. buuuuut no1curr.
Anaheim Ducks vs. Calgary Flames
Season series: Anaheim 4-1-0, Calgary 1-4-0
This one is gonna be Murder in the West.
January 19, 2004. That's the last time Calgary won a game in Anaheim. That was the year before Carlyle took over Anaheim, the first time, Mike Babcock was the Ducks head coach, Ryan Getzlaf wasn't bald yet, and MySpace was popular.
This is an image of Matthew Tkachuk the year the Flames last won in Anaheim, he was 6.
They seem pretty fucked to me.
On top of that, Giordano hurt Fowler like a week ago and the Ducks fucking hate him and the entire Flames organization now. This shit could get ugly, real fast. Unfortunately for the Flames, they started winning too soon in their rebuild, so they are lacking one extra Top 10 pick to really push them over the to... hahahahaaaa holy fuck that still sounds stupid as hell. Here the Flames are, in the playoffs, while Jarome Iginla sits at home, wondering which team he chases a Cup with next year. hint hint, DONT PICK THE AVS.
How the hell am I supposed to get Olli Jokinen gifs into this shit Cail!?
Edmonton Oilers vs. San Jose Sharks
Season series: Edmonton 3-1-1, San Jose 2-3-0
The Young Guns vs the Old Guys
McDavid single-handedly took the Oilers to the playoffs this year, and he'll attempt to Win a Cup by himself too. You know, if you ignore Talbot's near MVP performance, or Draisaitl being un-fucking-believable, or any of the other obvious reasons why the Oilers turned it around this year. Former San Jose Coach, Todd McLellan helped turn this team around, and now he gets to show San Jose they made a mistake in firing him.
On the other side, Chewbacca Burns suddenly sucks, and the Sharks completely fell apart the last month of the season, even worse the Blue Jackets, and that was before Jumbo Joe lost a knee and Logan Couture lost all his teeth. (seriously, like all of them are fucked) Maybe, just maybe, PLAYOFF HERO JOEL WARD, can carry the Shraks onward, but I kinda doubt it cause he has sadly kinda sucked since leaving the Caps.
Bonus Mascots for those of you who had their team stolen! Which is prolly just Cail here.