I might say the same.
Pretty thoughtless to come to an addiction topic, throw out a semantic argument, then peace out like you aren't wanted.
A little over five weeks without a drink and I have to say I'm an absolute wreck. It's not purely the not drinking. I thought the new job was going to be great but after the honeymoon and everyone showed their true colors it's just the same old bullshit in a sales environment. Not going to get into all of the details and bore everyone with all of my bullshit, but when you are three weeks in and your coworker, who literally everyone has a problem with, gets caught trying to steal your sale and you get told to "take it on the chin" so more problems aren't caused is a huge red flag. As time went on I could see this is the typical "they put numbers on the board so they are invincible" bullshit.
I'm on .5 ativan twice a day and 150mg of Effexor and feel like I'm going to have a panic/anxiety attack at any point throughout the day. Multiple times find myself with tears streaking down my face because I don't know what to do. I feel like I made a huge mistake taking this job because now my resume is back to having a short term job and mentally I'm right back to dreading going to bed because that means I'm that much closer to having to go back to work.
Yesterday was probably the hardest time I've went thru to force myself to go home and stay home instead of buying some beers. The only thing stopping me is/was the fact that my doctor has told me I can/will literally die from drinking while taking ativan. I sat in my chair and mentally fought myself for a good 30 minutes before leaving work yesterday. Part of me trying to convince myself a few won't hurt and it will relieve my problems. Thankfully my brain has enough sense to shut that down. Even considered stopping the ativan because I feel like in a way it's pointless other than making me absolutely dead beat tired every day. About the only thing that I'm happy about is I've lost around 25 pounds in the time I've stopped drinking.
That's really shitty. I'm sorry it didn't work out how you planned.
Honestly, look into that thing we talked about. It may not be something you can do full time at first, but it could develop into something if you're able to get your foot in the door. Another thing, if it's interesting to you and you can find a little time, is home inspections. I'm not sure what the going rate is in your area, or how active the housing market is, but near me you can make decent money with a couple inspections per week. Some states require in-person classes and then time on the job as an intern sort of thing (I think like 40 hours in NY), others you can do online courses within your own schedule, but may still require on-the-job training.
That sort of stress and environment is part of what got my mom drinking more heavily. It's a huge influence on your general mood and stress levels, and that's clearly a trigger for you.
Do you have time to find a hobby that can help you de-stress in the meantime?
I've come to the conclusion that while I enjoy in a respect working a performance based job I absolutely loathe performance based employers and environments. A task based job would be more suitable. Around my parts there is a third party company that does home inspections for insurance companies. One company I know by name because they inspected my house and the guy told me straight up he'd never done anything like it before and since I told him I work insurance he was asking me a ton of questions! It's something I had considered because I wouldn't be pinned down necessarily and could make a livable wage.
What we had discussed would for sure be an entrepreneur venture. I've sort of had the idea for awhile and came across something slightly similar online while researching something else. I do believe there is a market out there but people have to be willing to open up and the fee would have to be correct.
I think when I get home I'm going to fire up XI. I think the nostalgia pop and familiarity will help myself over the weekend at least.
I was looking at getting certified for home inspections as well, something to earn a little extra cash over the weekends or evenings. One of the inspectors we had had not done anything related before. He used to deliver restaurant supplies before he started doing home inspections and made the complete switch once he got an established customer base.
The hardest thing will be getting that customer base. You'll want to reach out to realtors in the area, and I guess insurance companies as well since you previously did insurance-related work, and try to get a couple jobs in under your belt and establish relationships.
Anything performance/commission based pay is just so shitty for those who deal with Anxiety. When I worked at Fry's, the salesman were fucking sharks. The POS they had was a home brew dos one, and when you printed out a quote for the person to scan and give to the cashier to pay for your item (that's how they tracked commissions), it would leave the last quote displayed at the login. So he would quickly write down the quote #, log in as himself, reload the quote and zero out the purchases written by the previous salesman and re-write it on his number. Since the items and quote # didn't change, just who sold the items, he would then get the commission. He got caught, but because the DM was his cousin (he was an Afghanistan immigrant, so anyone who was middle eastern, especially Afghani, he would turn a blind eye to), the dude just lost the commissions they were able to confirm he stole. So salesman started after printing a quote, would log back into the quote system and log back out a second time so it would show a blank quote as the previous one.
Are you going to meetings dude?
You're white-knuckling it and probably aren't going to be able to keep that up for long.
Go to a meeting.
The alcoholism is a byproduct of anxiety and depression. During my "honeymoon" period of the new job I had zero want to drink, at all. And even now it's not physical at all. It's all mental. It's because I spent the last three or so years using alcohol as the answer to shut my head up from life. And even last night once I was home for about two hours I was fine because the anxiety from work washed away eventually. If anything, having a councilor I trust to see on a regular basis would be much more beneficial than an AA meeting for myself. I can understand and appreciate the suggestion for AA. I do not by any means think I'm above it. I need to fix my coping with work issues. That's the main problem.
I did email my primary yesterday saying I'm struggling with work throughout the day with borderline panic/anxiety attacks. She responded saying she can prescribe something to take during work that will not be as sedative as ativan which I'll take her up on. Today the boss and other worker have been gone and it's almost been a group venting session lol. Been a good day overall. It also helped to just type out my frustration earlier. Thanks to you all for comments and what not. It does help.
You gotta nip that poaching shit in the bud early and firmly (but not confrontational like) explain how it is not going to fly in no uncertain terms. If you let them get away with it, it’s going to continue forever.
Stealing your commissions is stealing from your bank account and ability to provide for you and your family. It’s robbery, plain and simple, and should not be tolerated.
The problem worker and the boss were off on Friday so those of us working had a bit of a pow wow and talking session. Something that was brought up which I hadn't even considered was how this person may already have permissions or what not with management because of her severe weight issue and they are afraid of a lawsuit. She has special parking because she can't walk and from my manager's mouth she's already made a complaint to the GM about our manager playing favorites. They probably regret hiring her because they did not anticipate such issues which is understandable. Doesn't make her actions right but it is what it is. I'm considering options accordingly.
Doc gave me Vistaril. Says to take as needed but not at the same time as Ativan. I take Ativan first thing and last thing. Haven't taken the Vistaril yet. Keeping myself steady for the day as I'm considering options for work.
Being disabled does not grant special permissions. She probably has access to more (not necessarily paid) time off than you, and the bosses are expected to make reasonable accommodations to allow her to perform her duties but she can still be fired for being a shitstain.
whatever you do, do it with professionalism, and you'll be aight.
Happy necro post!! I really just need to kinda get crap out of my head so this is sort of an early post. I'm almost to 5 months of no drinking. Rarely do I ever even think about drinking. I'm completely off of all medications regarding alcohol. As mentioned I just wanted to get some crap out there but also to share some things if anyone else is going thru things too.
So it can be pretty common for people to trade one vice for another. While I've always been a big coffee drinker my caffeine intake skyrocketed and I also started drinking a lot of diet soda which is very uncommon for me. My weight loss tapered off and then I noticed something else. I have developed a sweet tooth, specifically ice cream. I've put back on a few pounds but I'll take this vs pounds from super sugary beers. Anyways, it's something that I didn't realize I was even doing it until the scale told me and my wife did a "well yeah you are crushing ice cream lately".
The hardest part of all of this has been I have been feeling increasingly depressed. I just have so many thoughts and what not and I know sort of why I am getting depressed but it's still a struggle. I think a pretty big part of it is boredom because I actually left my job a few months back and am currently not working. I had been filling my time with playing XI and being sort of productive around the house but it's obviously not the same as working your job and feeling accomplished. There is a lot to the depression but that's not a conversation for here.
Yesterday I had a friend over for Thanksgiving and we had a silly bro thanksgiving we'll call it. I've never cared about drinking when he's come over during the last 5 months but yesterday was tough. What I did was remind myself how drinking isn't going to solve anything for me. Yes it would make me feel great for a few hours but there is so much bad it would cause for me. And also, thankfully my bro helped me put down the urge positively and we ended up having a great dinner and make a super stupid youtube video playing a game and had a blast.
I am 100% confident if I wanted to I could have a few beers and call it good. However, I know for myself it is not the right thing to do. This is one of those things where taking the easy path is the worst thing I could do. If anyone else is feeling similarly or having issues, as corny as it may feel just remind yourself you are helping yourself. Oh, and something I've done to remind myself why I stopped was thinking about money, how throwing up in a bathtub really sucks, and that now I can sleep decently instead of waking up feeling like I got ran over by a truck.
If anyone ever wants to chat my door is always open.
That's awesome man.
Just steer clear would be my advice. Talk to someone when you need to.
Congrats on being 5 months sober !
Congrats on 5 months my man!