greetings fellow dumb football fans, the time has come to prove how dumb we all are at footballing by making our annual terrible predictions. unfortunately i am at work and don’t feel like giffing, but have at you
AFC EAST: the shitass PATRIOTS and their shitass qb won the super bowl, they continue to play in a terrible division which grants them a first round bye and at least one home playoff game, and the only thing that can stop them is our lord and savior nick foles, since eli will not be available
AFC SOUTH: the division is all over the place: the colts qb retired, the texans are trading everything, no one goes to titans games, and our pets heads are falling off. with all this going on i like our lord and savior nick foles to take the JAGUARS to da promised land (or at least to win the division. yes i just picked the JAGS! to win the division please kill me)
AFC NORTH: everyone is on the browns bandwagon even though they are a franchise mired in misery and despair; the perfect browns sucker punch to their fans would be for them to suck this year. besides knowing the bengals will probably be bad, you could convince me any of the other teams could win the division; ill pick the STEELERS because welt told me lamar jackson sucks
AFC WEST: speaking of all our pets heads falling off: ladies and gentlemen, the chargers. the CHIEFS will beat everyone in this division worse than tyreek hill beats his kids (allegedly)
AFC WILDCARDS: i feel like a lot of the divisions will cannibalize themselves, leading to a team that has a weak schedule, like playing the dolphins and bills twice, the giants and redskins, being able to squeak in. that’s right bitches, I picked the jags to win the division and J-E-T-S JETS JETS JETS WHY AM I DOING THIS TO MYSELF oh and i guess ill take the BROWNS too whatever give me all the laughable franchises
NFC EAST: the eagles and cowboys get four games against the giants and redskins, and then you get to throw in the bills jets and actively tanking dolphins into the mix. both of these teams should get to 10+ wins, and whoever wins the division has a strong shot at at least a bye, if not the one seed. the cowboys beat the eagles in both games last year but both games went down to the last drive (including an overtime game) you know what fuck this i don’t have to justify shit, fuck the cowboys, all their fans, and the state of texas in general, EAGLES
NFC SOUTH: fuck the saints too, bunch of god damn crybabies. jameis winston is still on the bucs and what’s left of cam newtons shoulder (and foot) is still on the panthers, so i guess ill be riding the hammerin julio train to FALCONS town
NFC NORTH: looks like anyone can win this division...oh wait the lions play in this division. three teams can win this division. the bears have mitch trubisky and in theory they have a kicker on the roster, and the packers head coach tore his acl playing knockout. have you guys ever played knockout? my invalid grandmother could survive a game of knockout, granted she’s dead now, but if anyone has a shovel we can still test this hypothesis. gimme kork coupons leading the VIKINGS to the promised land, just in time to crash and burn in the playoffs.
NFC WEST: crabtree gets signed by the cardinals just in time for talib and the RAMS to beat the shit out of him and steal his necklace. this is taking too long im done with this division
NFC WILDCARDS: COWBOYS based on easy schedule, SEAHAWKS also based on relatively easy schedule
I DO NOT FEEL LIKE DOING THE WHOLE PLAYOFFS THING SO HERE IS YOUR EVENTUAL SUPER BOWL CHAMPION: the eagles you fucking bitches. carson wentz gets his ring, the eagles get a second super bowl, and i no longer have to cry myself to sleep at night when people call wentz injury prone or xno says the eagles were lucky to win the super bowl
to recap, also so you can copy and paste easier:
AFC EAST: Patriots
AFC SOUTH: Jaguars
AFC NORTH: Steelers
AFC WEST: Chiefs
AFC WILDCARDS: Browns and Jets oh my god this hurts to type
NFC EAST: Eagles
NFC SOUTH: Falcons
NFC NORTH: Vikings
NFC WEST: Rams
NFC WILDCARDS: Cowboys and Seahawks
AFC CHAMPIONSHIP: who cares
NFC CHAMPIONSHIP: Eagles and who cares
SUPER BOWL: Eagles
MVP: Carson Wentz
Offensive Player: Carson Wentz
Defensive Player: Carson Wentz
Offensive Rookie: Carson Wentz
Defensive Rookie: Carson Wentz
Comeback Player: Carson Wentz
Coach: Doug Pederson, who has beaten the 2018 coach of the year (nagy), and is 2-0 against the 2017 coach of the year (mcvay), and has also beaten bellicheat in the playoffs, and has done so with a team that gets crippled every year. y’all put some respect on dougie fresh’s name
First Coach Fired: Matt Rebecca. get it. he has a lady name.
Bold Predictions: i already picked the jets to make the playoffs, what more do you want from me