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Azjol
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Kool-Aid Man Diagnosed with Diabetes
In a national press conference held Tuesday, the Kraft Food Corporation announced that their beloved spokespitcher, known to millions as “The Kool-Aid Man,” has been diagnosed with Type II Diabetes, a disease which affects 1.7 million Americans yearly. According to the company’s press representative, Shirley Thompson, the disease “was brought on by many years of obesity and excessive sugar content.”
According to his doctor, Dr. Samuel Germaine, it’s a mystery how the Kool-Aid Man produces any insulin at all, as “Mr. Man has no organs of any kind, but is rather filled with a sweet, sugary, and highly delicious beverage.”
Germaine’s diagnosis illustrates one of the many unique complications in the jolly red pitcher’s struggle against this debilitating disease. Jennifer Bledsoe, a live-in nurse that has been caring for The Kool-Aid Man, has been quoted as saying that “The most difficult part of this case has been the [insulin] testing.”
Diabetes patients must undergo several insulin-level tests daily and also receive insulin shots in order to supplement their own deficient levels, but “in this case,” said Bledsoe, “the patient’s epidermis is made of glass. Finding a vein is easy, but actual penetration has proved very difficult.” Ultimately, according to the house staff, the nurses have resorted to administering a new kind of powdered insulin, simply dumping a packet of the treatment into The Kool-Aid Man’s body and mixing it in with an oversized wooden spoon. “We know when the levels are right,” explained another on-staff nurse, “since he changes from a fruit-punch red to more of a tropical berry blue.”
The Kool-Aid Man has been somber and listless at the few public appearances he’s made since his diagnosis, according to fans. Said 11-year-old Jason Turner, who went to see the Kool-Aid Man at the opening of a new Kraft-Foods themed amusement park in Billings, Texas, “He seemed like he wasn’t having any fun at all.” The spokesman appeared in a wheelchair, flanked by nurses. “He just kept mumbling his lines,” continued the disappointed child, “and at the end, he started yelling bad words. Daddy said that he was a mean man.” After the incident, Kraft Foods temporarily discontinued it’s relationship with the 250 gallon container and has stated that they will review the terms of his contract at the end of the fiscal year. In the meantime, The Kool-Aid Man has spent much time battling his illness at “Kool-Aid Ranch,” his 2400-acre California estate.
In all, The Kool-Aid Man has granted only two interviews since his seclusion began. In the most recent special, “Death Under Glass: The Kool-Aid Man Revealed,” he appears visibly shaken, and states that “I should’ve known I was in trouble after that whole Jonestown fiasco. Those kids drank me and were dead before dinner. Of course, I didn’t think anything of it at the time.” Later in the interview, The Kool-Aid Man begins to sob, lamenting his excessive lifestyle. He moans, “After all the food, women, and blow, I was still unfulfilled. I got fatter and fatter, and no one said a word. If anything, the bigger I got, the bigger my paycheck was. Some days, I wished the mad glass-blowing scientist that gave me life in order to become a flavored-drink spokesperson had never been born.”
In the most recent development of the saga, Dr. Germaine determined that in the face of the Kool-Aid Man’s “continued refusal to exercise, eat healthy foods, or replace his diabetes-ridden innards with a less harmful Ginseng Tea, he could lose his eyesight, limbs, or both before the year is out.” When reached for comment on this grave prognosis, The Kool-Aid Man showed a rare moment of energy when he burst through a brick wall and bellowed, “Oooooh Noooo!”
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