Dirty Joke topic yo

[Chreman]

Number 4

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says,

"Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."

She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221."

Number 3

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm. The wife turns over and says,

"I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."

The husband, rejected, turns over A few minutes later; he rolls back over and taps his wife again.

"Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

Number 2

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to over come the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my wenis into the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, Bill, you didn't!" she exclaimed.

"Yes, I did." he replied.

"My God, Bill, what happened?"

"I got fired."

"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

"Oh... she got fired too."

Number 1

A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says,

"Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."

"I know," the old man said.

"We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago."

"Well," Granny snickered. "Let's relive some old times."

Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied,

"My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."

I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps.

"One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."

(Taken from LUE)

[Razz]

lol, good ones. I had an erection on all but the last two.

[Lagwagon]

"Oh... she got fired too."

[Cleveland]

Two bums wake up one morning, and as usual, need to get drunk. Unfortunately, after scrounging around, they find that they only have $2.25 between them. They are quite discouraged.

Bum 1: We can't get drunk on $2.25.

Bum 2: I know...what are we going to do.

Bum 1: WAIT! I have an idea! Give me the money.

With that, Bum 1 ran over to a hotdog vendor he saw walking down the street, and promptly purchesed a hot dog with all of the $2.25. Bum 2 was quite confused, and a bit upset by this.

Bum 2: What the fuck? You just spent all our money on a hot dog you selfish prick!

Bum 1: Calm down, calm down. This is part of my plan to get drunk.

Bum 2: Your plan? How is a hot dog gonna get a us drunk?

Bum 1: I am going to put the hot dog in my pants. Then we will go into that bar over there an order 2 double shots of whiskey. Once we do the shots, you will unzip my pants, pull out the hot dog, and begin to suck on it, pretending to give me a blow job. The bartender will be so disgusted..that he will throw us out without asking us to pay. It's fool proof.

Bum 2 thinks it over, and decides it might work....besides, they have little choice now that the $2.25 has been spent on the hot dog.

So the 2 Bums head over to the bar. The have a seat and order 2 double shots of whiskey as planned. Having downed the shots, Bum 2 immediately drops to his knees, unzips Bum 1's pants, pulls out the hot dog, and starts going to town on it. As expected, the bartender is completely digusted and outraged....and immediately throws them both out of the bar without having them pay their tab.

The Bums are delighted that their plan worked. However, 2 double shots was not near enough to get them drunk. The decided that since it worked so well at the first bar, why wouldn't it work at others. So they travel from bar to bar...doing the same thing. After about 10 bars, Bum 2 makes a proposal.

Bum 2: Do you think we could switch places for the next few bars? My neck and knees are getting kinda sore and worn out after all that.

Bum 1: You think your sore and worn out ?!?!? I lost the hot dog 5 bars ago!

[Gafgarionn]

^ ...wtf?

[SephYuyX]

^ ...wtf?

No more hotdog, so that guy was sucking on wang!

[dietvanillapepsi]

Couple oldies but goodies for those new to the Internet:


Fridays in Hell

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in
despair, he has his first meeting with the devil...

Satan: Why so glum?
Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell!

Satan: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
Satan: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays that's all we do
is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab and colas. We
drink till we throw up and then we drink some more! And we don't worry about getting a hangover because you're dead anyway.
Guy: Gee, that sounds great!

Satan: You a smoker?
Guy: You better believe it!
Satan: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no
biggie, you're already dead, remember?
Guy: Wow... that's awesome!

Satan: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.
Satan: Cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots. If you go bankrupt... you're dead anyhow. What about drugs??

Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...
Satan: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big
bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares.
Guy: WOW! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!

Satan: You gay?
Guy: No...

Satan: Ooooh You're gonna hate Fridays.


Best Hooker in Vegas

A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout-looking hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, "How much do you charge?"

Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job."

Guy says, "$500 dollars! For a hand-job! Jesus Christ! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!"

The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the Corner?"

"Yes."

"Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?"

"Yes.""And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?"

"Yes."

"Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500."

Guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try." They retire to a nearby motel.

A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?"

The hooker replies, "$1,500."

"I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!"

The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500."

The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so, and says, "Sign me up."

Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience.

He asks the hooker, "How much for some pussy?"

The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?"

"Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"

"No," the hooker replies, "but I would if I had a pussy."

[BRP]

lmao at the last one, orz.

[Cleveland]

Guy walks into a bar. Behind the counter is a sign:

CHEESE SANDWICH - $3.00
HAND JOB - $10.00

The guy calls the barmaid over.

Man: Are you the lady that gives the hand jobs.

Barmaid: Yes I am.

Man: Well...then wash those hands and make me a cheese sandwich.

[Kiro]

Guy walks into a bar. Behind the counter is a sign:

CHEESE SANDWICH - $3.00
HAND JOB - $10.00

The guy calls the barmaid over.

Man: Are you the lady that gives the hand jobs.

Barmaid: Yes I am.

Man: Well...then wash those hands and make me a cheese sandwich.

WINNAR!