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  1. #1
    Guest

    Croco's Guide to getting Guru Status on Allakhazam

    A Guide to getting Guru Status on ffxi.allakhazam.com
    By: Croco

    Before you start making your own posts you must first know the key posters of the Allakhazam forum.

    The main poster to look for on allakhazam is Xylia. Xylia has basically been level 60 white mage since the game came out. Like all allakhazam posters Xylia has clothcrafting at roughly level 55
    Xylia posts one or two posts a day. One usually is concerning about clothcrafting. This post is always the most frequently viewed post on allakhazam. To maximize your guru status you need to post something like "Omg silk thread is so costly now though" in this post every day, it's fucking retarded, but if allakhazam posters see Clothcrafting and Silk Thread and Expensive all in one posts its automatically rated a 5. For good measure you might want to include CGFs and camping Spini Spipi for your level 9 Red Mage or some gay shit.

    You see every allakhazam poster is a level 60 White Mage or Red Mage and has level 55 Clothcrafting. They all seem to camp spini spipi to fund their Clothcrafting and always get outclaimed by a CGF that camps Spini Spipi when there's no way a CGF would waste time on his piece of shit cloak and silk thread. Because of this they immediately relate to Xylia's retarded clothcrafting thread. Posting in Xylia's clothcraft thread is ESSENTIAL, you cannot get Guru status without posting in it.

    The other post Xylia will make every day will be some stupid rant. Usually it involves her being a gimp and her party not liking it. Even though Xylia is a fucking moron agree with her, agree with everything, and always say "you should clothcraft to cheer yourself up ^^" Automatic rate up if you do this. These other threads of Xylia are pretty high profile posts too.

    Xbobx is another interesting user to look out for. He was run out of GameFAQs for being a loldrg or something to that effect and because he worked at arbys. He is the only level 75 on Allakhazam. He is a dragoon, and he is fucking retarded. However, he is the only level 75 that posts on alla and they immediately respect him almost to the level of Xylia because of this, if he had clothcrafting leveled he would be higher than Xylia probably because he is a Dragoon that works at arbys. It is incredibly tempting to reply to his posts with "i'd like an arbys melt and some jalopeno poppers" BUT you must never do this, i did it once and i was rated down from a Guru to that my posts didnt show up on the forums.

    Whenever Xbobx posts you should reply to his posts, sympothize him and the dragoon class, maybe throw something in about cloth crafting, that is always nice for a rate up. Do not ever mention arbys with an Xbobx post even if you really really like arbys , he freaks out if you mention Burger King. I heard one time he called like 50 gil sellers out from Davoi and Beadeaux and they Super Jumped a dude all at once because they mentioned arbys.

    A third notable poster on Allakhazam would be haggan or whatever the fuck the admin of the ffxi part is. Before we talk about him a little backstory. Once upon a time TheIRC of GameFAQs invaded the allakhazam IRC. In retaliation he banned most of us from Allakhazam and made an account of GameFAQs trying to get us all banned. The faggot posted on the Site Suggestions board on GameFAQs or something lol. Good times. Anyway, this fag is like a thief or something, so naturely you have to be careful when talking to him because THFs are fucking retarded usually.

    Talk to him about how warriors suck, tp burn parties are gay, and like always mother fucking clothcrafting.

    The last notable poster on Alla would be Pikko. Just say "Nice site" when she posts, she's a fuck tard that doesn't actually play FFXI and just gardens. She also thinks she's an NPC wtf lol. Just say nice site when she posts.

    Moving past the users of allakhazam we need to talk about your roaming grounds. The best board to get your rate ups is generally the General Board because Xylia, Haggan, and Xbobx all post there. Other boards of note to post in are the White Mage Board (although its potential isnt as high as in previous years), the Dragoon Board, the newly created Puppetmaster board, and maybe the Blue Mage Board.

    First and foremost is the general board. Reply to Xylia/Haggan/Pikko/Xbobx posts, if you see any other Gurus make posts or any clothcrafting posts immediately reply to them. Just say clothcrafting is awesome, or aww that sucks and you'll 99% of the time get a rate up on the General Board.

    The White Mage Board is the 2nd best spot to get rate ups. Replying to posts about how people treat White Mages badly and creating your own post about how people treated your White Mage bad will always get rate ups.

    Making a post on the White Mage board can be tricky so he's a mini guide.

    Title: Bad Experience in __________ will generally be good.

    Body: Alright, this should be 5-6 sentences, allakhazamers can only read 5 sentences between clothcraft synths so its the perfect length. First sentence describe how you were clothcrafting when you were invited to a party. Say it was to bibiki bay, thats a good location. Say that you were kicked from the party for not being elitest, that's always good. Also mention something about WHMs being treated badly because of NIN + RDM + BRD parties not needing a main healer. You'll get massive rate ups.

    Example Post:

    Bad Experience in a 60-63 EXP PT in Bibiki Bay

    I was clothcrafting in Jeuno when i got an invite to bibiki bay. I was reluctant but decided to join that party. Immediately they had great hostility against having a WHM in their elitest party. After trying to change their Elitest ways they kicked me from the party. I'm in a really bad mood right now, any suggestions?


    That'll get you rated up a shitload.


    When in the Dragoon and Puppetmaster boards simply say "that sucks, you guys rule" to all posts and talk about clothcrafting.


    Blue Mage is interesting. every allakhazamer thinks BLue mage is hot shit and that if you're not level 20 blu you dont have all your skills because you power leveled it and you suck. Agree with them, say this in every post, and talk about how you don't want BLU to become a /NIN job. Rate ups galor.

    Once you get Yellow in your status you can finally create posts on the general board. No one reads posts on the general board unless they're Yellow/Red. When you create posts keep this in mind:

    1. The 5 Sentence Rule. Allakhazamers onlycan read 5 sentences between clothcraft synths.
    2. Clothcraft
    3. ???
    4. Profit
    5. Gold Farmers suck
    6. You're a level 60 WHM or RDM with clothcraft at level 55 even if you're not.

    Make a post concerning issues about Gil Farmers, Clothcraft, Elitests, being a level 60 WHM/RDM, or whatever. Basically copy Xylia's posts. For all we know Xylia could have came into the future and read this guide and used it to get r8 ^s.


    Your signature on allakhazam should look as follows.

    ----
    Level 60 WHM Clothcraft 55
    AF1: O
    AF2: O
    AF3: O
    AF4: O
    AF5: O
    AF6 X

    Not having AF6 will make it look like you're not elitest, having full AF is too elitest for allakhazam.


    Topic Suggestions:

    *TP/MP Burn PTs ruin the game
    *I'm a princess job lalala
    *Clothcrafting @55
    *Warriors are elitest jerks
    *Clothcrafting @55
    *Gardening
    *Gold Farmers steal all my crawlers
    *Clothcrafting @55
    *WHM or RDM AF6
    *HNM Elitest Gamers
    *BG Forums suck
    *KI Forums Suck
    *GameFAQs Forums suck
    *PUP/DRG rule
    *Clothcrafting @55
    *Clothcrafting @25
    *JPs are racists
    *I <3 JPs
    *JPs > Elitests NAs
    *Clothcrafting @55


    Remember: The General rule of allakhazam is clothcrafting is the main source of fun in FFXI

  2. #2
    Sea Torques
    Join Date
    May 2005
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    608
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    stopped reading at alla :\. way too long

  3. #3

    *hides under his desk* Wait for it...

  4. #4
    New Spam Forum
    Join Date
    May 2006
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    169
    BG Level
    3

    why would I even care on how to get Guru status on alla?

  5. #5
    Salvage Bans
    Join Date
    Jan 2006
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    871
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    FFXI Server
    Odin
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    Azgalor

    Sweet I was just looking for something like this. Btw can you point me tword the alla thread that will help me maximize my Selbina fame? IBTL

  6. #6
    I Am, Who I Am.
    Join Date
    Nov 2005
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    15,994
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    FFXIV Character
    Trixi Sephyuyx
    FFXIV Server
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    Summary = Alla = Dipshits.

  7. #7
    The God Damn Kuno
    Join Date
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  8. #8
    Old Merits
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    Asura

    True but not that funny. Sorry, my expectations for funny have risen because of the brilliant rakskala post. Also, this guide could function as "how to get bashed on BG".

  9. #9
    Physicist
    Join Date
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    I'll bite...

    I just got done with one of the most memorable threads in RDM history over there. We talked about dynamis, and in passing I mentioned that it's possible to fully clear (not just win) zones like sandy and bastok with around 24 people, and not in a manaburn style. What followed were some of the greatest flames against me ever, it was truly a joyous occasion. The intricacies(sp) of why RDM/NIN can't pull in dynamis were discussed, and how I made up my entire dynamis experience, every noob that had a group of 50+ in a city and barely cleared the boss stated how I had to be completely exagerrating everything. Good stuff.

    I made sage status by posting a complete and thorough explanation of how to make windower macros. I was called a cheater by like 9 thousand people and it was a great time that I enjoyed, and my karma skyrocketed.

    That's my ZAM experience, enjoy (btw both threads are on or around the first page, if anyone feels like swimming in the shallow end of the gene pool for a laugh).

  10. #10

    What not to do in any alla post:
    Link to BG forums


    please

  11. #11
    Physicist
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jooeetheplatypus
    What not to do in any alla post:
    Link to BG forums


    please
    Then how did you find BG?

    omg too easy

  12. #12
    Guest

    Quote Originally Posted by Raineer
    I'll bite...

    I just got done with one of the most memorable threads in RDM history over there. We talked about dynamis, and in passing I mentioned that it's possible to fully clear (not just win) zones like sandy and bastok with around 24 people, and not in a manaburn style. What followed were some of the greatest flames against me ever, it was truly a joyous occasion. The intricacies(sp) of why RDM/NIN can't pull in dynamis were discussed, and how I made up my entire dynamis experience, every noob that had a group of 50+ in a city and barely cleared the boss stated how I had to be completely exagerrating everything. Good stuff.

    I made sage status by posting a complete and thorough explanation of how to make windower macros. I was called a cheater by like 9 thousand people and it was a great time that I enjoyed, and my karma skyrocketed.

    That's my ZAM experience, enjoy (btw both threads are on or around the first page, if anyone feels like swimming in the shallow end of the gene pool for a laugh).
    Your sig says 100 Clothcraft. Any allakhazamer would suck you off all day and night. You're probably ranked higher than Guru by now.

  13. #13
    >The Implying
    Join Date
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    Jeryhn Astracrown
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  14. #14

    Quote Originally Posted by Raineer
    Quote Originally Posted by Jooeetheplatypus
    What not to do in any alla post:
    Link to BG forums


    please
    Then how did you find BG?

    omg too easy
    Back when Alla was as good as anybody (2004) I was linked, just like you were.

    Check maxxthepenguin's reg date.

  15. #15
    Physicist
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    4,493
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    Raineer Severus
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    FFXI Server
    Siren
    WoW Realm
    Area 52

    The windower macro thread was the greatest...people typing out 3 pages of how I am a fraud and a cheater, then PM'ing me about "hey this syntax isn't working, what did I miss"

    allakazham - the arkansas of FFXI and a guilty pleasure of mine

  16. #16
    Cerberus
    Join Date
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    Re: Croco's Guide to getting Guru Status on Allakhazam

    Quote Originally Posted by Croco
    Xbobx is another interesting user to look out for. He was run out of GameFAQs for being a loldrg or something to that effect and because he worked at burger king. He is the only level 75 on Allakhazam. He is a dragoon, and he is fucking retarded. However, he is the only level 75 that posts on alla and they immediately respect him almost to the level of Xylia because of this, if he had clothcrafting leveled he would be higher than Xylia probably because he is a Dragoon that works at Burger King. It is incredibly tempting to reply to his posts with "i'd like a whopper hold the pickles, extra onions" BUT you must never do this, i did it once and i was rated down from a Guru to that my posts didnt show up on the forums.

    Whenever Xbobx posts you should reply to his posts, sympothize him and the dragoon class, maybe throw something in about cloth crafting, that is always nice for a rate up. Do not ever mention Burger King with an Xbobx post even if you really really like Burger King, he freaks out if you mention Burger King. I heard one time he called like 50 gil sellers out from Davoi and Beadeaux and they Super Jumped a dude all at once because they mentioned Burger King.
    Bobby works at Arby's, not Burger King. In addition, he's not really well-liked on Alla anymore either... Not really recommending anyone bother to read the thread (although the stuff abotu the child he took in is always precious), but it's proof:

    http://ffxi.allakhazam.com/forum.html?f ... =10;page=1

  17. #17

    Quote Originally Posted by Raineer
    allakazham - the arkansas of FFXI and a guilty pleasure of mine
    LOL that's awesome

  18. #18
    Relic Shield
    Join Date
    Sep 2004
    Posts
    1,726
    BG Level
    6
    FFXI Server
    Bahamut

    Reasons why I hate Allakhazam:

    Here is me being an elitist jerk for pointing out the obvious (rate me up plz)

    Here is the classic 'STOP MAKING TP BURNS OMG' post

    Despite all this, I can't stop going to that site. It's like a flaming car wreck...

  19. #19
    Hayleystrator
    Join Date
    Jul 2004
    Posts
    7,622
    BG Level
    8
    FFXI Server
    Bahamut

    Quote Originally Posted by Jeryhn
    loling pretty hard right now.

    EDIT: The like... one post I've ever made on Alla was just a little over two years ago when I was level 30 and I found my way to Ro'Maeve (the big wall'o'text near the bottom). I posted my experience and people rated me up to 5.00, and my name became yellow, and has been since. I was so proud.

  20. #20
    Chram
    Join Date
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    Re: Croco's Guide to getting Guru Status on Allakhazam

    Quote Originally Posted by ircgeek
    Quote Originally Posted by Croco
    Xbobx is another interesting user to look out for. He was run out of GameFAQs for being a loldrg or something to that effect and because he worked at burger king. He is the only level 75 on Allakhazam. He is a dragoon, and he is fucking retarded. However, he is the only level 75 that posts on alla and they immediately respect him almost to the level of Xylia because of this, if he had clothcrafting leveled he would be higher than Xylia probably because he is a Dragoon that works at Burger King. It is incredibly tempting to reply to his posts with "i'd like a whopper hold the pickles, extra onions" BUT you must never do this, i did it once and i was rated down from a Guru to that my posts didnt show up on the forums.

    Whenever Xbobx posts you should reply to his posts, sympothize him and the dragoon class, maybe throw something in about cloth crafting, that is always nice for a rate up. Do not ever mention Burger King with an Xbobx post even if you really really like Burger King, he freaks out if you mention Burger King. I heard one time he called like 50 gil sellers out from Davoi and Beadeaux and they Super Jumped a dude all at once because they mentioned Burger King.
    Bobby works at Arby's, not Burger King. In addition, he's not really well-liked on Alla anymore either... Not really recommending anyone bother to read the thread (although the stuff abotu the child he took in is always precious), but it's proof:

    http://ffxi.allakhazam.com/forum.html?f ... =10;page=1
    That guy's on my server lol

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