When beating your kids isn't enough. . .

[Misterjingles]

This is a follow up letter to http://www.penny-arcade.com from this news article

Gabe,

Your news post about the kids and the homeless man yesterday made me sick to my stomach, before I even read the CNN article. I knew what it was going to be about before even reading the article. It was not the article itself, or even your post that made me sick, it was the fact that I know this boy. Or, rather that I could be considered one of the “parents” of this boy.

The boy’s father and I have been together for almost seven years, and I had what I guess could be called a “stepmother” relationship with the kid. To say that living with this kid was hell would be a complete understatement.

I don’t think I have ever actively hated anyone in my entire life, but this kid just makes my blood boil.

As I write this, my teeth are clenched, my hands are shaking, and my whole body is seething with the hatred I feel for this kid and what he has done. Seeing the article brings back all the horrible memories from when he lived with us.

He was constantly in trouble in school, with the cops, with us, with his mother, and with anyone else who was an authority figure. Not a week went by that the school or the cops wouldn’t call us for something. His attitude was basically “fuck you, I don’t have to listen to you” said with a shrug.

We tried absolutely everything we could think of to get him to behave like a normal human being… we tried groundings, negative reinforcement / punishment, positive reinforcement, counseling, and anything and everything the counselors suggested. We tried to get him interested and involved in extracurricular activities, like hockey, drama, music, art, anything, but he got himself kicked out of every group he was in with his “make me” attitude. When we would ground him, we took away everything. No TV, no computer, no phone, no leaving the house, no snacks or junk food…. Everything. When he was grounded, he was only allowed to sit in his room and read or draw. He was actually a pretty good artist, and we tried to encourage him to spend his time working with his talent. He would just sit there and take it… the groundings had absolutely no affect on him at all. Most of the time, he didn’t even remember why he was being grounded. At the end of it, we would ask him if it was worth it to have everything taken away in exchange for what he did… he usually just shrugged. He could be grounded for weeks, or a month at a time, and then the very next day would do something to get back in trouble again. Most kids get grounded or punished a couple of times, and then they want to avoid having to go through it again… not this kid, nothing seemed to phase him.

And we’re not talking the usual teenager stuff, like coming home late, or refusing to do the dishes. We’re talking stealing cars, setting fires, drinking, getting picked up for drugs, beating up handicapped kids at school (yes, really) stealing things out of our house… all with this “I’ll do whatever the fuck I want” attitude.

We had absolutely no idea what else we could do. We already had him in counseling, and we did everything the counselors suggested. We tried rewarding his good behavior (what little there was) to try to get him to see that when he behaves like a normal human being, things are good and people enjoy being around him. Nothing phased him at all.

Then, things took an even worse turn when he decided that whenever he didn’t get his way, or we did something he didn’t like, he told his counselors and teachers that we were abusing him. (Never happened.) And for some inexplicable reason, everybody believed him. I understand that child abuse is a very serious situation, and that they have to take every possible case seriously, but this was clearly a case of him manipulating people to get what he wanted. We had people from the school, cops, and social services over at our house or calling us on a weekly basis stating some new abuse that he had made up. At 14, the boy was already 6’3” and over 200 pounds. Of course, there was never a mark on him, because no such abuse ever took place.

One particular night (cops involved, as always) he decided that he didn’t have to listen to anything we said, and that he wasn’t coming home. He went to live with his mother, where things got worse by the day. He stole everything out of her home and sold it. He invited gang-bangers and drug dealers to her home, and she feared for her safety constantly. She called the cops numerous times because she feared for her safety, but again, the boy said that she abused him, and the cops always took his side. (For reference, the mother is about 5’3” and barely clocks in at 115.) He planted a loaded gun in her room, called the cops and told them that it belonged to the mother’s boyfriend. The boyfriend actually ended up serving time because of this fucking bastard kid. She had two other young children in the house, and the gun and the abuse charges were an intentional plot to get the other two kids taken away from her. She tried restraining orders against the kid, but since he was a minor, they wouldn’t allow it. Every time he got picked up, she pleaded with the cops to take him to jail, maybe that would finally get though to him, but they just kept bringing him home to her. I don’t understand why everyone who was involved with this kid just blindly took this juvenile delinquent’s word over all else!

The night that he and his friends murdered that poor homeless man, the mother said that he was acting particularly cocky. Then he threatened to kill her. We had absolutely no idea of what he had done until they found the man’s body. He was immediately waived into adult court (at 15) and sentenced to 15 years. We were all absolutely sick with grief for this man.

We were also sick with guilt… “What could we have done differently?” was a constant question in all of our heads. After the kid was sentenced, all the cops, counselors, social workers, and people at the school that had been dealing with him contacted us and his mother and apologized for not taking us seriously. They are all trained to take all accusations of child abuse seriously, and as a part of that they blindly took the kid’s side for everything, and dismissed us as “the lying abusers”. Many of them told us that they wished they would have taken our pleas for help seriously. Everyone thought we were exaggerating about how fucked up this kid was.

I completely agree with your statement of “These kids were twelve kinds of nuts and that’s a fact.” But the reason I am writing this to you is that, after reading your news post yesterday, I felt that I needed to defend the boy’s parents. His mother and father and I did absolutely everything we could think of to try to keep this kid in line. Even the kinds of things that normal teenagers get in trouble for would have been a blessing compared to what we’ve been through with him.

What I gave you today is a very small sampling of the kinds of things we were dealing with every single fucking day with this kid. When people hear about what he’s done, I can always sense the “I’m sure there was something you could have done” comment coming up. What would you have done? How do you deal with a kid like this? Like I said, we did everything the counselors suggested, and nothing seemed to matter.

If you want to add another element to the “nature vs. nurture” idea, this boy has a brother. Both boys were raised in the same house, with the same values. The brother has developed into a kind, considerate, responsible, and independent young man. He is currently working his butt off right now to save up money to go to school for architecture. The only thing I regret is that we spent so much time and energy dealing with the bad kid that this boy missed out on having a normal family life with a normal sibling relationship.

I am sorry this got so long. I have been reading PA since the very beginning, and I feel that both of you are very much like me. I think we are the same age (29) and I have been a lifelong gamer like the two of you. I can’t stand hearing about the so-called correlation between games and real-life violence. Video games DID NOT make this kid who he was, and it’s unfortunate that the correlation is there.

The thing that really gets me with this whole thing is that the kid knows full well that by equating what he’s done to a video game, that he will generate controversy and media coverage. It makes me sick that the media is jumping all over this, because that is exactly the result that he wants.

The only good thing (if there is such a thing) that has come out of this whole ordeal is that the kid is behind bars. That is exactly where he needs to be.

Again, I’m sorry about the length of this. Thanks for allowing me to “tell my side” of the story.

Surprised that no one posted this story, but its fuckers like these that ruin it for everyone else.

[xerodok]

i dont feel like reading it, someone sum it up in one sentence or less

[Misterjingles]

Teens beat homeless man, rub shit in his face, kills him, blames on video games, this is follow up letter on what "Stepmother" did for him and shows it still wasn't enough.

[xerodok]

epic

[Falconblade]

i dont feel like reading it, someone sum it up in one sentence or less

Basically, you cant change someone who refuses to be changed.

Some people can not be helped, or will just flat out not allow someone to help them.

[Aviendha]

/em makes sure he has plenty of condoms for the weeks to come

I can't even image what it had to be like having their lives degenerating before their eyes powerless to do a damn thing.

[Koga]

That is one fucked up kid.
As far as what they could have done for this kid, there is only so much you can do. You can 'take stuff away' but those are just words and when you realize that they are really just words then they have no meaning especially to a kid. I'm sure its not the whole reason but definately a part of the reasoning would be to show off.
In Prison> What you here for?
Kid> Oh i killed an old man beat cripppled kids, fucked up my family, stole my moms shit, curned shit down, stole cars.
It's a sense of pride and not in a good way.

[Koyuki]

Nothing makes a kid go straight like a Brass Knuckle to the face.

[Beckwin]

This is pretty much the only case where I think sending a "problem teen" to one of those boot camp things would've been appropriate. The kid needed the shit kicked out of him- a little fear might've taught him some humility/humanity.

[Charla]

Or something like scared straight... without the cameras of course.

[Correction]

This is pretty much the only case where I think sending a "problem teen" to one of those boot camp things would've been appropriate. The kid needed the shit kicked out of him- a little fear might've taught him some humility/humanity.

Such things cost money and still aren't guaranteed to work. I'm sure the parents considered it on top of the counselors/special programs/etc. and figured food on the table came first.

Prison or buried is the way most of these kids end up no matter what you try, and unfortunately if they reach that stage they've likely taken someone else with them, like this goddamn kid did.

[gandorf]

Holy shit that kid was one fucked up person. I think we can all agree we done bad stuff when we were younger but this kid takes the cake. The parents should took him to juvie. Put him there for 21 days that could have worked or just beat him alittle. Nothing to bad like broken bones just a nice belt to the ass. Once in awhile a good kid might do something like murder someone (accidental) like he was in bad crowd an kid panic or he was just there. That kid should get 15yrs maybe 5 if just there but this kid should be a lifer. He will most likely never change an murder again.

[Tricen]

Eye for an eye, who's with me?

[Tirrock]

The kid would keep getting sent home by the cops, and after a while the parents would try to get the cops to take him to jail, hoping it would straighten him out.

The kid would tell the cops/therapists/child services that he was being abused and got his mother's children taken away from her... He plants a gun and gets his mom's boyfriend arrested... They wouldn't believe that he was just making it up. Then he goes out and kills a guy and they collectively go "Oops".

I can't imagine what it'd be like to be in the parent's shoes. They did all they could, but still had everybody thinking that they were child abusers.

[Misterjingles]

I swear if my kid ever acts like this and I've done everything these parents ::edit:: did ::edit::, I'm just going to put a bar of soap in a sock and show them who's boss. And then keep them in line with the beatin-erm punishment that Maddox purposes.

Seriousness aside, I hope his name turns to Tinkerbell when he's in jail, named by Big Nick Digger.

[Koga]

WOO GO <BIG NICK DIGGER>!

[Elcura]

That's pretty sad, I admit I usually blame parents for fucked up kids but I guess it isn't that easy. Especially when you try so hard and do everything right, theres still a chance the kid will be fucked up and there will be nothing you can do about it. Probably the most crushing feeling I could imagine.

I think there's an age where what you say no longer has any meaning of effect on a kid, I'm willing to bet that after 10 or 12 or something nothing you do can majorly change how the kid feels and how they act.

So get your ideals and schooling in early, before it's too late...

[divisortheory]

That's pretty sad, I admit I usually blame parents for fucked up kids but I guess it isn't that easy. Especially when you try so hard and do everything right, theres still a chance the kid will be fucked up and there will be nothing you can do about it. Probably the most crushing feeling I could imagine.

I think there's an age where what you say no longer has any meaning of effect on a kid, I'm willing to bet that after 10 or 12 or something nothing you do can majorly change how the kid feels and how they act.

So get your ideals and schooling in early, before it's too late...

There probably is something they could have done. They just waited too long. He certainly wasn't born a fucked up killer.

[markasstrick]

some people just fucked up from birth

[Stilgar]

it is possible that he was born out-of-whack, or became that way due to chemical imbalances or something. Anyway, I say execute the bastard. Some people just fail at being a part of society... either drop him in the Amazon or a on a deserted island, or kill him.