Let's try this again!

[Blazer]

Okay, I wrote this fanfic and kept wondering whether or not to release it here. My purpose was to improve myself in story writing and I've still got a long way to go. This was 8 pages in word so if you're not interested in reading a long ass story then don't and don't complain about it, move along, this is not for you. Those of you who are interested, please give me critics(sp?) and advice or just tell me what you think of how I started the story. Your advice would be greatly appreciated and will help me further improve my future writing.

P.S. I posted this on the Spam forum which Kuno pointed out to be a retarded move on my part and hence ignored since. I've been hesitant to repost it somewhere else. But with how much criticism Daahan's story got from here and chapter 2 finished w/ chapter 3 halfway done, I might as well try, I reaaallly want some constructive criticism.

The Three Paths
-Reminiscence-
By: Blazer

Chapter 1: The Awakening

Darkness had fallen around him, voices echoed throughout the vast empty world in which he stood. He understood not of how he got there and the sounds of various voices, some of which were screaming of both pain and anger which gave him a cold chill throughout his body.

“Where am I? How did I get here?” he asked himself. He looked around the void of darkness of which he stood and sighed. He lifted up his hands and held it high attempting to see its outline but his efforts were lost. He thought to himself, “It’s so dark….this is insane, where am I? Could I have died? What am I doing?”

As these questions filled his mind, anger and frustration surged through him and he let out a contemptuous scream. He fell to his knees as he noticed that his voice was not echoed amongst the other voices that flowed through this abyss of darkness. He was now breathing heavily, though he did not know why. He then decided to walk through the darkness and see where it led and began to stand back up to his feet.

However, just as he stood, the echoing voices began to get louder. He heard more screams, he could now distinctly hear women crying in agony, he heard a roar so loud and fierce that he felt completely paralyzed by its presence. Suddenly he heard a man scream, “They’ve unleashed a KING, Knights hold it off, get the civilians to safety, we………………….th…kingd….ha……fal. .n. H…..any……..su…..vors………allie…..ati on….” The voices stopped. He now stood there alone once again but now drenched with sweat. He simply stood there, thinking about what he had just heard. “What’s going on? I don’t understand this….”

He began to walk through the darkness, his mind set on finding his way to the world and learning of the dreadful situation that had fallen to those he heard. The darkness was so silent, he felt like he has been walking for hours, yet he was still in complete darkness. The floor of which he stood felt completely solid and cool like finely furnished marble. The air around him was still but rather chilly. He continued to walk but suddenly found himself on the floor. His legs felt completely numb, his arms were burning as if they were on fire, and his back felt as if he had just been broken in two. The pain he felt was completely unbearable. He tried to scream for help but was barely able to let out a yelp because of the pain.

The pain continued to soar, it was unbearable, he found himself saying “please…..just……kill me…..I can’t……….please………stop…………,

[Blazer]

The Three Paths
-Reminiscence-


Chapter 2: The Ultimate Solo Artist

His body had become light as a feather, divine light had engulfed him and his body felt as though he was being pulled towards some unknown place and yet his body was not visible as far as he could tell, it seemed as though he was nothing more than an essence traveling through this world known as Vana’diel . It seemed to him as if this travel was eternal, that he would just fly or flow throughout eternity. But flashes and visions of Gaustrix, Lionheart and Mayfia brought him to a realization and then, he found himself with his knees and hands on the floor bleeding. It was dark, thunder roared throughout the area, lightning illuminated the sky and rain was beating the ground as if it was exacting vengeance on the earth. In front of him, an enormous blue crystal glowed ominously emitting a strange noise. He looked around to see the platform on which he and the crystal were on. It was an amazing ancient structure, its decaying white color made it seem as if the structure itself was made out of bones. The crystal he was on was one of three, he looked at the surrounding environment and it suddenly struck him like a bolt of lightning. His eyes widened and tears quickly began to pour through.

“This place……I know this place………..La Theine Plateau……..but….why…..why………..,” he said as tears continued to pour from his eyes. He thought to himself of how useless he was, imagined how the others would do everything they could and fight against the beastmen that had surrounded them.

“Alrrighttttt!!!! Get with your Barrier spells Gaustrrix!!!” said Mayfia as she clasped her hands together. She soon began to glow in light red and white aura and a shape of a shield manifested around her body, made from the same aura that covered her, which then quickly diminished and her body returned to normal. She then spread her arms and hands open and for an instant, it seemed as if the skin throughout her body had turned into a rough rock like surface. She turned to Gaustrix and gave him a reassuring grin. The seven beastmen were now closing in on them and the wyvern to their immediate right had now roared and readied itself to make an attack. Gaustrix pulled out a small bag, no bigger than the palm of Zack’s hand and reached in searching for something. Zack looked in awe as Gaustrix entire arm seemed to vanish into the small bag only to immediately reappear holding a marvelous black staff with a yellow crystal in the shape of a bird with its wings spread. He immediately twirled this staff which began to sprinkle a shining powder like substance that immediately covered him and his comrades. He then ended his stylish twirl by pointing the crystal bird at the wyvern which Zack had failed to notice had attacked by breathing a fierce flame upon them. The crystal bird glowed with a harsh green aura; the fire dispersed continuously and vanished upon reaching a foot near the crystal’s aura.

“Ey, is taime I gt sum action!” said Lionheart who was now holding a flute. He then began to play a tune which puzzled Zack. “Why is he playing a song at a time like this?” he asked himself. Apparently, Gaustrix had seen Zack’s puzzled and frightened. “You still can’t remember much I see, don’t worry, we’ll do our best to protect you, I trust Mayfia. We’ll get out of this and we’ll then do what we can about your memories,” he said. “I’m rready Gaustrrix, just waitin on that there wyvern,” said Mayfia. Zack then noticed that the tune Lionheart was playing had begun to appear around him. The tune seemed to have literally become visible, flowing from the flute and circled around Lionheart. It then shot itself like a beam towards the beastmen. The beastmen fell still and then slowly dropped to the ground, asleep. “Horde’s Lullaby,” said Zack softly. “I think I’ve seen that before……,” he thought. “Here I gooooooo!!!!” shouted Mayfia who leaped so high into the air towards the wyvern that she nearly touched the ceiling. While in the air, an electric like energy seemed to have engulfed her body as she reached for her boots. She then pulled out two daggers, one from each boot. The electricity traveled from her body, focused itself into her hands and then finally the daggers. The wyvern stopped its fiery assault on Gaustrix as it noticed Mayfia, it saw a gleaming light heading towards it. The wyvern screamed in agony on the spot and fell on the floor causing a loud bang and the room to shake for a moment. The dying wyvern continued to shake endlessly, heat and steam was coming out of its ears, mouth, eyes and wherever else it could allow itself to escape the body, and it soon became visible to Zack the thing that delivered its instant death. One of Mayfia’s electrically charged daggers had pierced into its left eye, the electricity travelled straight into the wyvern’s body and affecting its spine’s ability to function and at the same time, heated the fluid around its brain to its boiling.

“See wyverns are nothing to me these days, no needs to worry Gaustrix,” said Mayfia grinning. Gaustrix looked at Mayfia in awe. “Since when…..I….I never thought a Red Mage could do such a thing!” he said. “Things have changed in our worrrld since the arrival of this new Shadowlorrd, Everything’s just been…” she replied. “Ehhhhh, I dun mean te interrupt ya but yall ought to gt goin or kill thse sleepin uglies ya think?” Lionheart barked. “Rrriight!” Mayfia said as she clasped her hands together and closed her eyes. A red aura appeared like a fog, bended and twisted around her until finally disappearing into her body. She opened her eyes which now glowed in an ominous red color. Zack, Gaustrix and Lionheart all felt a chilling presence that was stifling them. The air around them felt dense, breathing became a chore and their energy felt drained. “Look Mayfia, we can just head the other way, they’re asleep, we don’t need to fight,” said Zack. Gaustrix looked at Zack and frowned, “We can’t do that Zack, these beastmen aren’t like the ones you might remember…….once Lionheart casted a spell on them….they’ve completely latched onto his spirit. If we don’t kill these guys quickly, they can use an ability we call “Mind Transfer” and well, if they do this…all the beastmen around the world will instantly know of Lionheart’s presence….in other words…..either we kill these bastards and do it quickly or Lionheart dies. So Zack…if you remember anything that could help us fight……just know…do not cast offensive spells that strike the enemy, any abilities you may know seem fine but using magic on them will doom you if they’re not killed instantly.” “Am srry fr troubling yall,” said Lionheart.

“Enough talking!” shouted an enraged Mayfia. The air around her had become heated and seemed visible. Mayfia’s features had become more feral. The red marks across her face stretched and seemed to bleed. The claws on her hands had grown into a wild fearsome state, which reminded Zack of the claws of a tiger, and her once beautiful face looked frightening with her fangs now visible. Mayfia darted towards the mob of sleeping Orcs. In an instant, an Orc flew up into the air, as its eyes opened, blood poured out of its mouth. Mayfia was on top of the Orc, the claws of her right hand within its throat and her remaining dagger had struck the Orc in the chest. She guided the Orc down to the ground, causing a loud crash. She dragged her dagger across the Orc’s chest to ensure its death and immediate leaped high into the air. She landed, dagger first on top another sleeping Orc’s head, which instantly stopped its snoring, blood pouring out of its wide open mouth. Two Orcs had opened there eyes at this point, only to sleep again as Lionheart recasted Horde’s Lullaby. Mayfia continued to the massacre of the Orcs, striking two through the chest with her claws, decapitating another, and finally finishing the last two by striking their heads with her dagger. Mayfia looked at them breathing hard, her face and blood drenched claws were returning to normal. “Let’s go,” she said heaving. Gaustrix and Lionheart ran to her while Zack followed caustiously. As Zack passed by, he could not help but look at the dead Orcs. He felt bewildered at the fearsome creature Mayfia had turned into so quickly and caused such havoc. As he looked at an Orc with its chest ripped open, he’s eyes looked into the Orc’s face and he saw a glint of light from the Orc’s eyes. “Les go Zack!” shouted Lionheart. Zack, already confused as to everything that’s happened, dismissed the light as him imagining things and continued towards the others who had already moved along into a passageway.

“This way,” said Mayfia. They were now running through a long passageway, there were no signs of beastmen near, yet, Zack felt uneasy. It’s as if he knew something was wrong, but he’s memory fails him each time he tries to think of anything about himself. “Taking this passage will lead us strraight to Attohwa Chasm. As farr as I know, there shouldn’t be any beastmen there cause they see that place as useless and empty, but we’ll just have to watch out for undead creatures, but we won’t need to worry about them with me and Gaustrix around,” continued Mayfia. “So who arre you anyway Zack?” asked Mayfia. “I wish I knew,” he replied. Mayfia gave him a confused look and Gaustrix then told her about all that’s happened. “Hmmm….I bet if you went back to where they found you, you’d rremember something, it’s bound to happen I’m sure!” proclaimed Mayfia. They ran through several rooms, corridors and tunnels with Mayfia leading. They were all exhausted as they reached the end of another tunnel. “Okay, this is it rright here,” said Mayfia as she pointed at a circle on the wall. “This wall only opens only for those who have signed its magical contract in blood. It’s been an effective way for us to keep this escape tunnel away from beastmen grasp. It’ll take about a minute after for this blood charm to recognize my blood as still living. It won’t open if the blood is that of a dead person. Clever don’t you think,” she said grinningly as she pressed her now bleeding hand onto the circle.

“Oya, Zack! Before I forget, I found this gobbie bag on ya. I took it off ya when we had to change ya clothes an treat ya. I reckon is yurs cause gobbie bags won’t open for anyone else but is master, well less is master’s done dead,” “Wait, this is mine?” Zack interrupted Lionheart excitedly. He took the gobbie bag and for a moment simply stared at it, he readied himself to open it when the room began to shake and the circle began to glow. “Okay, it’s opening now,” Mayfia was now wrapping her hand with a red ribbon. The tunnel behind them began to shake as well, then the tunnel further in front of them. “Something’s not right here Mayfia!” Gaustrix had looked around; the tunnels had somehow sealed themselves. Mayfia looked at Lionheart, both their faces turned white. “It can’t be! There’s no way…….. Lionheart….only ten of us made the blood pact and we all agrreed that only this door would open rrright? It’s not supposed to close the exit tunnels!” Mayfia’s face looked grim.” She seemed to be in a panic. “We’re trapped, we better prepare ourselves! That door is gonna open soon….” “How about a teleport spell! Why don’t we just have Gaustrix teleport us out of here, he is a white mage afterall right?” said Zack hastily. “No Zack, magical teleportation became impossible the moment they attacked, these beastmen are rather ingenious, and they’ve cast a spell that prevents any teleportation or escape via magic. The only way would be if each of us had a teleport ring but those are so rare…..,” Gaustrix paused as an outline of a door appeared before them. The door then began to disintegrate into a bright light. Mayfia had her dagger ready, her fangs and claws had become feral once again, Lionheart had his flute ready to play a spell, Gaustrix’s staff was already glowing brightly. As the light faded, 5 bird-like figures began to manifest. It soon became clear that these were statues of birds, their eyes glowed in green, blue and red. “Mind Transfer! Those Orcs must’ve used it somehow, but when……..Mayfia dealt with them quickly…..,” Gaustrix was now in a panic. Mayfia stood there ready for battle, while Lionheart was looking at something on his right hand. A tear fell from his eyes as he gazed at Zack. “Yer meant to live ya ear, I dun kno why but I kno tht yer important and ya need to get rememberin Zack. Dun forgt ya owe us for savin ya ya know.” Lionheart grabbed Zack’s left hand and placed his right hand onto his palm. Lionheart closed Zack’s hand tightly and said “DO NOT LET GO no matter what!” he emphasized.

Zack held his fist tightly, not knowing exactly what he was holding. “Ahhhh!!!” he yelled. Two shurikens had pierced his leg and shoulder. He heard Gaustrix yell out for him but something seemed to have reached at him, pulling him. Without truly knowing what had happened, Gaustrix, Lionheart, and Mayfia were gone. He looked at his left hand which he kept closed and opened it to find a ring. The ring seemed to be emitting a sound that was corresponding to the glow and sound of the crystal. “A teleport ring?” he thought to himself. He painfully pulled out the shurikens that were still on his shoulder and leg. He then came to realize that he was still holding his gobbie bag with his right hand. He decided to open it only to question what would be inside it. Gobbie bags are well known in the world for being able to carry a number of items and equipments regardless of their size through the remarkable enchantments placed on it by Goblins. As he placed his hand inside, images of several different items appeared in his mind. He noticed several types of clothing, belts, arrows, and what he assumed to be swords amongst other things he didn’t quite recognize. The arrows struck him the most as he saw himself as a Ranger in his visions, but there was no bow in the bag, he focused to look thoroughly through the images the gobbie bag portayed yet nothing that resembled a bow appeared. He decided to pick out some clothes that he would where and saw an impressive looking shirt in striking red and tan color, black shorts with tan trimmings, a pair of red gloves, a red and tan bandana, a black belt with several small pockets all marked with symbols depicting different elements, and a pair of red and tan boots. These clothing magically appeared on him while the tattered clothes that he wore now appeared as images in his mind. He then looked at the collection of swords carefully and realized that two of them were actually katanas with gold hilts, silver guards, and black blades. The two katanas appeared around his belt, already sheathed, on both sides of his waist. The gobbie bag was responding immediately to his thoughts which shocked him and amazed him. He pulled his hand out of the gobbie bag, closed it and stuffed it inside the right pocked of the shorts he now wore.

The pain in both his shoulder and leg were now subsiding. He looked through La Theine Plateau, somehow knowing that beyond it lays the Kindom of San d’Oria. It was still dark and the storm was relentless, yet he felt sure he knew the way to the fallen kingdom. He remembered Mayfia’s words. He must go to San d’Oria and hopefully remember who he is and what happened. Without hesitation he bolted from the Crag of Holla, running faster and faster. Oddly running seemed to bring about some happiness into him and he’s curiosity caused him to leap high into the air, testing his own agility. Something about the clothes he was wearing had given him some memory or knowledge about fighting that he could not understand. He continued running, knowing surely the direction he was heading would lead him to the kingdom. He stopped quickly and jumped back as lightning struck in his direction. He looked around and saw two Orcs carrying staves, one running towards him, another engulfed in a black and purple aura, casting a spell. Another bolt of lightning crashed on him but he somehow avoided injury. A visible but clear figure of himself emerged and vanished. At this very moment, he remembered the ways of a ninja and found himself in the air. He clasped his hands together and shouted, “Hiraishin!” One of the pockets on his belt had glown white. “Raiton San!” he shouted pointing his now opened right palm at the Orc running towards him. Lightning shot from his hand, pierced the Orc’s belly and exploded from the inside, causing the Orcs upper half to fly into the air with its blood being hurled in all directions. Zack landed on the ground and without thinking, another pocket from his belt glowed. A shuriken appeared in his hand and he threw it at the remaining Orc. The shuriken multiplied into four, one striking the Orc’s head, two at its chest, and another deep into its neck.

He then thought to himself that he’d better be more careful and continued to run for San d’Oria smiling. He had recovered some memory as he was now a capable ninja, he thought to himself. “Heh, afterall….I am the Ultimate Solo Artist.” This thought struck him and caused him to grin. He felt his sense of purpose returning and he was now sure that he will remember everything when he reached San d’oria. He now ran carefully, spotting Orcs and Goblins that were wandering aimlessly through the plateau. He carefully avoided them and soon reached a clearing, filled with tall grass, that lead to a wooded area. He recognized this area as where he used Shadowbind on a Chocobo. He was close, his heart was pounding, and beyond the forest would be San d’Oria.

Zack stopped quickly, barely avoiding running into a carefully thrown axe. He looked to the direction the axe was thrown to see a hume wearing an outfit almost identical to Mayfia’s. There were very few differences which consisted of its brown shoulder padding, pants that were black and had metallic looking knee pads and the feathered red and black hat donned an odd symbol gleaming in silver. “Of all people, I refused to believe you would have betrayed us. But the proof is clear, Halver’s dying words echoes through me and though you were my friend, I will slay you here and now! Prepare yourself Ultimate Solo Artist! I, Virtuous Saint of The Order, will now exact glorious vengeance upon you!”



Next Chapter: The Fallen

[Yutuyu]

Not bad really, there's a few things I'd suggest you do.

1) When you finish writing something reread it. Look for parts which seem to bunch up or don't flow right and try playing around with word choice. I'm not saying you did particularly bad here, I'm just saying it helps. Usually when I write something it sucks in its first formulation, I have to go back and polish it up to make it readable. It really helps to play with sentences and take out unnecessary adjectives and whatnot.

2) Don't use any names in common with previous FF games. Maybe you have a reason you used Lionheart, but in general that just makes me think of FF8 and lowers your story in my mind. Try replacing it with something more original. It'll make the work more readable and remove connotations and thoughts related to the previous work from your reader's minds, giving you flexibility and control as a writer.

3) The only other problem I saw was is your dialogue as a bit cliche at times. I know it's hard to write good dialogue, make it feel like it's actually coming from the character's mouth, and keep it from being melodramatic. A lot of times it helps to talk it out to yourself in your head, and think through. Decide what would be more realistic and less overdramatic or strangely formal.

4) More description. I have the same problem in my writing though.

All and all though, you got a good start. it's not crap. You're well on your way.

[Blazer]

Thanks a lot, I appreciate it....lol I didn't even think ff8 when I made up the name, I was just trying to put a name together that sounded like an average galka.

[Daahan]

I enjoyed that Blazer