‘Watchmen’ Fan Cordially Invites Fox to Eat Several Dicks

[#686578]

'Watchmen' Fan Cordially Invites Fox to Eat Several Dicks | Cracked.com

http://www.cracked.com/blog/wp-conte...08/12/fox1.jpg

Dear Fox,

Eat all the dicks.

Love,

-DOB

PS (Okay, let me clarify a little bit for anyone who might be reading this letter that isn’t either a)obsessed with The Watchmen or b) the head of the Fox Corporation.) Back in the 80s, Fox purchased the rights to a Watchmen movie and celebrated by not making it for 20 years. Now, Warner Brothers respected their decision but, oddly enough, felt that a Watchmen movie would look better if it was actually, you know, made. So, Warner Brothers decided to make it. They announced their plans well over a year ago and Watchmen is now one of the most anticipated movies of the year. If you saw The Dark Knight and, statistically speaking, you probably did, then you already saw the trailer.

If you’re me and, statistically speaking, you’re probably not, then you went back to your apartment and watched the trailer on Youtube over and over again and experienced an odd yet not totally unexpected sense of profound sexual arousal that you could really only describe as spiritual.

http://www.cracked.com/blog/wp-conte...08/12/fox2.jpg

If you’re Fox, you patiently waited until the excitement over the movie reached a boner-inducing fever pitch, and then you decided to sue Warner Brothers and, according to the New York Times, you won. On Christmas Eve, a judge ruled that Fox has the right to, at the very least, distribute The Watchmen. Will they try to stop the release of the movie? Probably not, (though they certainly could). Will they try to change it? Again, no. Will they make some fat cash off of it? Certainly. Should they eat all the dicks? Without a doubt.

Now, Fox, I know that you didn’t technically do anything illegal. In terms of the way the American justice system works, you are completely within your rights to do exactly what you did. You owned the movie rights to The Watchmen, and Warner Brothers made the movie anyway. Without having a real firm grasp on the law, I can certainly understand the concept of someone taking somebody else’s thing. Like, if I bought bacon with the intention of cooking it, chopping it up and throwing it into one of my famous omelettes, I’d be real pissed if some jerk showed up, took all my bacon and made their own breakfast with it. Even if that jerk was Warner Brothers, and even if their breakfast looked fucking awesome.

But here’s the thing: You weren’t going to make that movie. You had the movie rights to the most important graphic novel of all time, and you just sat on it for a couple of decades while you focused on making other hit movies, (though I can’t for some reason think of a single one). The difference is that, when I buy bacon, I cook it almost immediately. I never just sit on it. (That’s the worst thing you can do with bacon.) And if you did want to make it, you should’ve spoken up when the movie was first announced. “Hey, Warner Brothers, don’t make that movie. We own it, and we will make it, we’re just very slow.” That would’ve been fine. But you decided to wait. You waited for Warner Brothers to buy some cheese, fry up some eggs, toast some English muffins cook its bacon, (I’m assuming here that Warner Brothers is making a bacon egg and cheese sandwich), and just when Warner Brothers was about to take a bite, you jumped out of the shadows and said “Hey, that’s mine!” Which is why I’ve popped out, from even darker shadows, shouting “Hey, eat all the dicks!”

You know what bothers me the most, you stupid, shitty bastards? You don’t want to crush this movie or stop its release. It’s not like you’re morally opposed to the subject matter, and it’s not like you’re artistically offended by the vision and interpretation of the source material by Warner Brothers or director Zack Snyder and as a result want to stop the movie from seeing the light of day. It’s not like there are a bunch of Fox employees who worked diligently on this movie; they’re not being screwed by Warner Brothers’ production. And it isn’t like you’re lashing out because you were going to make the movie and Snyder beat you to it; you had over twenty years and did nothing.

This is about money. You saw the chance to make a ridiculous sum of money, for no reason, and you’re going to take it.

http://www.cracked.com/blog/wp-conte...08/12/fox3.jpg
This is Rupert Murdoch. He owns Fox and has more money than you’ll ever have. Also, look at his weird face.

And, when the law is on your side, it’s easy for you to argue that I don’t have a leg to stand on and, at the end of the day, you’re right. You’re a business, and you made what is perhaps the smartest move a business could make. You struck at the last second, thereby forcing Warner Brothers’ hand. They’ll have to settle with you, and they’ll have to pay whatever exorbitant sums you want, or else they can just refuse to distribute the film, which, given the anticipation, will screw Warner Brothers pretty hard.

But I don’t give a shit about the law right now, (or, hey, while we’re at it, ever). When it comes down to it, Zack Snyder worked hard on this movie. All of the actors and all of the crew members worked hard on it. The producers took a risk by giving Snyder complete creative control and a buttload of money. This is a movie that fans have been praying and begging for for decades. We want this movie and, more importantly, we want it done right. We want it to be visually stunning. We want to see the book’s complex themes brought to life. We want to see Dr. Manhattan’s glorious, blue genitals majestically flopping on the big screen.

http://www.cracked.com/blog/wp-conte...08/12/fox4.jpg
Flop flop flop flop flop.

A lot of people worked hard to make this movie what the fans want it to be and, based on the trailer, the behind the scenes video clips, most of the early reviews, this is as close as anyone will come.

You, Fox, did not do any of the work to get this movie to where it is, but you’re still going to make money off of it. And that’s a concept that I don’t quite understand, and I never will understand it. I can’t imagine that Warner Brothers has money tucked away specifically to pay to you, Fox, so I have to assume that whatever money goes to you was originally intended for someone else, someone who probably actually deserves it. You haven’t been able to make a decent hit blockbuster, so you’re pulling this crap. And that, Fox, you shameless, opportunistic, greedy, jealous, petty shit-parade, brings me back to my original thesis:

Eat all the dicks. Open your bitter, miserable mouth and eat all the dicks. Stop using that mouth of yours to whine, and get started on all these dicks you need to be eating. Keep eating dicks, even at night, even on weekends. Intuition will tell you that you’ve had enough dicks, but you will be wrong: You will never have eaten enough dicks. You may complain that what you’re doing is perfectly legal, but I’d argue that I’ve never read a law that specifically prohibits force-feeding a lethal amount of dicks down someone’s throat, (though, I’ll admit, I’m almost positive there is one). You may say “I don’t care what you think, DOB,” to which I’d respond, “That’s some tough talk for someone with an acre of dicks in their mouth.”

And even when you meekly protest that they don’t measure dicks in acres, I won’t be able to hear you.

Because of all the dicks.

[Kiro]

- Golf clap -

[#686578]

A little more clarification for those who don't spend their lives on the internet, why I take this pity on you I do not know:

Litigation

In February 2008, 20th Century Fox brought a lawsuit against Warner Bros. that alleged copyright infringement on the Watchmen film property. The studio believes that it retained the rights to make the film—or at the very least distribute it—no matter how many studios Watchmen has passed through, and is seeking to block its release. Warner Bros. says that Fox has repeatedly failed to exercise its rights over various incarnations of the production. Through producer Lawrence Gordon, Fox had bought the rights to the graphic novel in 1986. Fox alleges that when it put the project into turnaround in 1994, a separate 1991 deal that transferred some of the rights to Gordon still gave them the option of retaining distribution and sequel rights to the film, and a share of the profits, should it be made by any other studio. Fox's interpretation of the 1994 turnaround deal also meant that Gordon would not fully control the rights until the studio's development costs (estimated by Fox at $1 million) had been reimbursed. Despite originally passing on the project, Fox also alleged that its agreement with Gordon contained a "changed elements" clause, meaning that if Gordon changed any of the key creative personnel on the film, Fox would have first option on participation. The studio said that Gordon did not inform them of Snyder's joining the production in 2005.

After passing through the hands of several studios, Warner Bros. began developing Watchmen in 2005. Fox alleges that it contacted Warner Bros. before production began and told the studio that it had violated Fox's 1991 and 1994 deals with Gordon. Warner Bros. claimed that it was originally unaware of either deal, and that in 2005 Fox had declined to produce the Hayter screenplay that formed the basis of the production. Warner Bros. also claimed that the 1994 deal did not cover distribution rights and had conferred upon Gordon all the rights he needed to take the film to Warner Bros. The studio's motion to dismiss the case in August 2008 was rejected by the judge. The case has been scheduled to begin in January 2009, but the two studios are to enter a non-binding mediation towards the end of November 2008.

Snyder said that no-one had attempted to prevent his completing the film and that the production was proceeding as normal.
On December 24, 2008, Judge Gary A. Feess ruled that he intended to grant 20th Century Fox's claim to a copyright interest in the film, leaving the future of Watchmen in doubt.

[Bregor]

I liked the bacon part.

[Mizango]

Numbers my friend, you are so far beyond pro.

Kudos my man.

[Tokitoki]

Hahaha.

Look at his weird face.

[Izzy]

That was actually really well written lol.

[Woozie]

10/10, worth the read. I usually ignore posts that are long due to my short attention span but something told me I should read this.

[#686578]

Numbers my friend, you are so far beyond pro.

Kudos my man.

Statistically speaking, had to pull it off eventually.

[Izzy]

Statistically speaking, had to pull it off eventually.

Well played.

[Mizango]

Indeed lol

[Joran]

If I were Warner Brothers, I would accidentally misplace the movie and all related video, audio, and written materials involved with it. A bonfire in the back lot is helpful for this. Not because I don't think the movie should be made, but because I wouldn't want to give Fox, and Captain Purneface the satisfaction of weekly checks from the revenues.

[Kiro]

Release it on the internet just as a final "fuck you". Then say it got stolen or leaked.

[Souj]

judge should have told fox to go fuck themselves. or is ignoring laws cause in certain cases it's stupid only something the higher up courts can do?

[#686578]

Warner Brothers should appeal.

It's obvious to any democrat judge that Fox's claims were lost when they didn't act on it.

[Komm Suesser Tod]

Warner Brothers should appeal.

It's obvious to any democrat judge that Fox's claims were lost when they didn't act on it.

No, they didn't act on it, but movie studios do that all the time. You don't have to make a movie to own the rights to it, so in a legal sense, yes, Fox is well within their rights to do what they are doing. Doesn't mean they shouldn't eat many many dicks.

[Bregor]

Fox News: We report, you decide.

20th Century Fox: You produce, we profit.

[Senji]

Warner Bros fucked up by not buying the right off of Fox. Gordon knew Fox owned them, and had to of known this would happen. Perhaps they wanted to try their hand in court, but thats a big risk. I wouldn't want it to be leaked and never seen on the big screen.

If they handed out "free mini movie" Watchmen tickets with say all Harry Potter and Terminator ticket purchases with a dollar donation to Will Eisner/Starz, could be interesting.

I wonder what Paramount will have say/be payed because of all of this.

[Ashira]

lol, offering free tix when you buy tix to another WB movie isn't a bad idea....

[Churchill]

Internet release would be lols